Saturday, October 30, 2004
I Hate Halloween
There are many, many things I hate about Halloween, including the pressure to go dressed in some sort of skank wear in order to go to majorly sketch parties or bars where you get grinded on by some sort of skeevy fratboy with Maroon 5 playing in the background and the way that streets look after oh-so-funny people go around with shaving cream and toilet paper. Because nothing says funny like bathroom products.
But, really, what I hate most about Halloween is how, in the days leading up to it, all that's on television are scary movies.
Now, surprisingly, I don't scare all too easily and for someone as high strung as I am, that's quite a feat indeed.
However.
When one is alone in a room in a really old house, it's sort of easy to get creeped out, especially when creepy movies are on tv and when someone (you know who you are!) tells you a story about a murderous clown. At night. In the dark. Peachy.
All I wanted to do last night--well, there are many things I wanted to do last night, but I had neither the time nor logistics to do many of them--was relax and watch something lame, like Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and make fun of Christopher Meloni's attempt at emoting. But! All that was on were scary movies. And today? More of the same.
And, against my better judgment, I was all, "Oh, I'll be fine if I have a creepy movie on. I mean, I'm 21, I'm not a baby."
Erm. No, that didn't work out so well.
So there's all of this, and then? Someone who I am not currently on speaking terms with (hmph!) decided to remind me about a nasty little clown urban legend. And, of course, I'm not content to just read that, I have to explore all of Snopes, including the roommate's death, the babysitter and the man upstairs and creepy pretend blind men sacrificing women to sell their skin.
And then a nice little piece of fiction presented as something real and ACK!.
Before you say, "Hey, those are all fictional, dumbass", let me say this-I know they're not real, but plenty of stuff isn't real and that doesn't prevent it from being any less frightening.
And? I don't even have any candy right now to make me feel better, which is just peachy. Peachy! So I'm all jittery, afraid to turn the lights off and anxious for Halloween to come and go and leave The Surreal Life as the scariest thing on tv.
Mallory at 10/30/2004 09:57:00 PM
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Baseball and Bad Songs: A Great Way To Spend A Thursday Morning
In case you've been living in a bomb shelter and did not hear the gleeful screams of the Red Sox Nation last night (you guys, I just typed that with zero irony. Wow), The Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918. And in a sweep, nonetheless. They really are the little team that could. Did I tear up during the celebration? It's a possibility, but I will neither confirm nor deny.
World Champion or not, I refuse to stop making fun of Pedro Martinez. All together, now: Pedro has a jhullet, y'all.
Also in need of a hair intervention: Bronson Arroyo. Cornrows are bad, mmmkay?
I made a comment recently about Mark Bellhorn (the stoned looking one) always looking like he's been rocking the ganj pretty hard. But he's been hitting so well lately that whatever stash he has is working pretty splendidly so, Mark? If you're reading this? Hook me up.
So anyhoo, I was casually reading about Johnny Damon and came across this interview. Johnny sez:
ESPN: Hey -- or we can. Speaking of those crazy high jinks, John Smollick in St. Louis writes, "I want an herb garden. What do you suggest I start off planting?"
JOHNNY: Yeah, I can't answer that.
ESPN: Maybe he doesn't mean those kinds of herbs.
JOHNNY: There is no other answer to that question.
If that is not a confirmation of my theory, then I don't know what is. Is Johnny the hookup? This is very, very interesting.
As exciting as this postseason was-and it was, like, tremendously exciting-I'm a bit sad that it's over. I don't want to wait until April for more baseball! It's too far away. Poutpoutpout.
I was recently complaining (what? Me? Never!) about the sad state of popular music, citing how the lyrics to Nelly's My Place inspire rage and homicide. Well, I think that The Black Eyed Peas and Let's Get It Started may be worse. Let's investigate.
It begins with Fergie blatantly cribbing the opening of Alicia Keys's "Fallin'". Please add another column to the "Fergie Sucks" chart that we should all have.
In this context, there's no disrespect, so, when I bust my rhyme, you break your necks.
Um. I don't know what that means.
We got five minutes for us to disconnect, from all intellect collect the rhythm effect.
Yeah, still don't know what that means.
Obstacles are inefficient, follow your intuition, free your inner soul and break away from tradition
I started to understand the song at this point. The lyrics are dumb, but they at least make sense. Kind of.
Coz when we beat out, girl it's pullin without/You wouldn't believe how we wow shit out/Burn it till it's burned out/Turn it till it's turned out/Act up from north, west, east, south
Aaaand, they lost me.
Everybody, everybody, let's get into it/Get stupid/Get it started, get it started, get it started/Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here.
Dumb, but okay.
Here's where it gets good. Well, "good".
Lose control, of body and soul/Don't move too fast, people, just take it slow/Don't get ahead, just jump into it/Ya'll here a body, two pieces to it
Buh?
You'll want me body people will walk you through it
What?!
Step by step, like you're into new kid.
This line is rather controversial. The first time I heard it, I thought it was "like an infant New Kid", which just makes me think of a baby Jordan Knight getting his groove on. Some lyric sites agree, but others think it is "into new kid". If New Kid were capitalized, I'd say that the BEP are way into 90s teen pop. As it stands, I have no idea what it means, so I am just going to think of the NKTOB (don't front like you don't know what that stands for) dancing around.
Inch by inch with the new solution/Trench men hits, with no delusion/
The feeling's irresistible and that's how we movin
It's like gibberish, people.
Let's get ill, that's the deal/At the gate, we'll bring the bud top drill. (Just)/Lose your mind this is the time/Ya'll test this drill, Just and bang your spine
What the fuck?
Bob your head like me APL de, up inside your club or in your Bentley.
Get messy, loud and sick/Ya'll mount past slow mo in another head trip/(So)
Come then now do not correct it, let's get ignant let's get hectic
There is no God.
Wretched. It's just random words set to awful music. But I'm not sure which is worse-The Black Eyed Peas and their Gibberish, or Nelly fighting with the preteen he drives to the mall. You tell me.
Mallory at 10/28/2004 11:14:00 AM
Monday, October 25, 2004
The Truth About Ashlee and SNL
Since, like, a hundred of you came here by searching for the scoop about Ashlee Simpson pulling a Milli Vanilli on SNL and her big SNL walkoff--and that's so not even an exaggeration, though I should be proud that it beats out "Lindsay Lohan's Growth Spurt" as the top keyword for getting people here--I will give you, well, the scoop.
Upon taking the stage for her second SNL performance after being introduced by my boyfriend Jude Law, Ms. Simpson's voice was caterwauling...I mean, uh, singing before she ever even put the microphone to her mouth. When she realized what happened, she started doing a bizarre Cotton Eyed Joe sort of...shimmy hopping thing and it was hilarious.
She then just walked off stage, leaving a very awkward band behind her.
A video clip is here. Really, you must watch it.
Hilariously, this comes off the heels of an interview with Lucky where she said
I'm totally against it and offended by it. I'm going to let my real talent show, not just stand there and dance around. Personally, I'd never lip-sync. It's just not me.
Are you done laughing yet? Okay, good.
She then attempted to blame the band for playing the wrong song.
I feel so bad, my band started playing the wrong song. I didn't know what to do, so I thought I'd do a hoedown.
Um. First of all, nice try, Ash, but no. And second...a hoedown is a good idea under absolutely no circumstances. None. Foolish, foolish girl.
Joe Simpson, after likely beating his poor daughter backstage for her gaffe, explains to Ryan Seacrest that Ashlee's bout with acid reflux made her voice too hoarse. That's just, like, the cutest explanation ever.
All in all, it totally sucks to be Ashlee Simpson now, even more than it did before. But I still reserve the right to laugh at her because...dude. The levels of lameness are just, like, epic.
Mallory at 10/25/2004 06:34:00 PM
Friday, October 22, 2004
Me Against The Music
It's hard not to realize that a lot of the music currently playing on the airways is complete and utter garbage. Because so much of it is so obviously wretched, it's almost as though these "artists" try their hardest to write the worst possible lyrics (or pay the worst possible songwriters to do it for them) and set these heinous lyrics to the worst music ever. They are so proud of their wretchedosity, they wear it like a badge of honor.
Because, really, the idea that some of these people think these songs are good is so utterly depressing that I can't even fathom it. Let's investigate, shall we? We'll start with my musical enemy of the moment.
My Place, by Nelly (featuring Jaheim)
I used to pride myself on being the other man/But now it's flipped and I don't want you with no other man
Okay, odd sense of pride aside, that's not so bad, I guess.
Why can't you understand anything I'm offering/I gave you the world but you just wanted arguing
Huh? What could Nelly's world possibly consist of? Apple bottom jeans and color coordinating bandaids?
From the time I picked you up, until the time I dropped you off again/ Even flipped out on me at the mall again "it's all his fault again" that's what you telling all ya friends/I aint pointing fingers ma, I just wanna call again
Nelly sure is fond of the word again, isn't he? And fights at the mall? After he picked her up and dropped her off? Is she thirteen? Is Nelly just the guy in charge of the car pool? Because that's icky. And he is pointing fingers, even if he says he isn't, he says right there "you just wanted aguing".
See how ya day going I know they stressin on ya/I know them times get hard that's why I'm checkin on ya/It's yours truly ma, I got a little message for ya
Anything he can do, girl I can do it better for ya, cause
Er. The sentiment is nice, I guess.
When we laugh or we cry it's together/Through the rain and the stormiest weather/We gon still be as one it's forever, it's forever
Look at how sensitive Nelly is. But if she wanted arguing, how is it forever? I don't understand.
Chorus: Won't you come on and go with me/Come on ova to my place
Won't you sit ya self down and take a seat/And let me ease ya mind girl/We gon do it our way
Well, if she needs to come on and go with him, then how is it possible that he's aleady at his place ("come on ova[sic] to my place")?
I heard your friend told a friend that told a friend of mine/That you was[sic] thinking that we should do it one more time
Um.
If this aint the truth then hopefully it's not a lie
Okay, what? If this aint [sic] the truth, then obviously it's a lie...right? Is there another opposite of truth? Have I been wrong for all of these years?
We never had a problem gettin it done
Did Nelly just admit to being a one minute man, or am I just reading too far into things?
Disagreed upon a lot ma but the sex wasn't one
The sex wasn't one what?
Now check it, I know you get excited (still) when I come round and bite it (girl)Quit frowin up and quit actin like you don't like it
Tres romantic. And also, ew.
But she doesn't front anymore, she does like it, and tells us in a sing-song...thing:
I like it, I like it, I really, really like it, I want it, adore it, so come let me enjoy it
"Come let me enjoy it"? Huh? But I thought he wanted her to come over. Isn't that what the whole song is about? I am so confused.
Shawty where you been/Feels like a long time, long, long time since I seen ya/Yes it has girl, when I know I said some fucked up things to you before
But girl u know I didn't mean it/(I didn't mean one single word)/(I never meant one single word)
Who the hell wrote this shit for him?
If I could take back every word I would and more fo sho/If I thought that you believe it
Oh, fo sho.
Cause you make my life so convenient for me
Yes, just what every girl wants to hear, that she makes things CONVENIENT. Like, "Well, you live right down the street, so I don't have to go too far to get some, it's nice and easy, let's work this out, ma".
Man, I hate you, Nelly.
And this man is one of the most popular entertainers of the moment. I could easily write a song like this and put a bandaid on my face, if I do that, will I get lots of money? Because I'll so try it. Anybody could do this. A monkey could do this. And do it better than Nelly.
Mallory at 10/22/2004 01:30:00 PM
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Stuff and Things
Congratulations to the American League Champion Boston Red Sox!
Wal-Mart Bans America (The Book}, proving once and for all that Wal-Mart is out of touch and a gaping black hole of suckage.
America's Next Top Model continus to be the best show ever. Any hour of television that features Janice Dickinson and Simon Doonan is gold, people. Gold.
The Grudge opens this week. And it looks hella creepy. I hope it does well, as I've loved Sarah Michelle Gellar since the days of Swan's Crossing and All My Children.
Surviving Christmas opens this week as well, and I hope that it fails and then, perhaps, we can be rid of Ben Affleck once and for all. Maybe? I'll be optimistic.
Mallory at 10/21/2004 10:56:00 AM
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Icky
If anybody knows how a Mack truck got into my bedroom last night and ran me over repeatedly, I'd really appreciate an explanation.
I felt fine when I went to sleep, and then when I woke up, my head was pounding, my throat hurt and I sounded sort of like Bea Arthur mixed with Rudolph when he was wearing the fake prosthetic nose.
Why? Is it from some sort of cunning illness that only attacks during the night? Or is it perhaps because of voodoo?
I basically slept all day because it was too painful to do anything else. I caught up on Days which...is just cracked out, and then Dynasty and then I made my way to CVS to get cough drops and Diet Coke, looking like death warmed over (I'm guessing, I didn't bother to look in the mirror), only to get lectured by the woman at CVS for buying Diet Coke which is "unhealthy, don't you know?"
What? Is today "Criticize Diet Coke Drinkers Day"? As Jessica points out--Diet Coke is necessary, you guys! Some people just can't function without it, all right?
Grrr and argh and all that.
And I still feel like I was beaten about the head repeatedly, all the sleep in the world hasn't seemed to help me. Hooray?
I just saw the most disgusting commercial for a nose hair cutter...thing, which whatever. But seriously, commercial people? Do we really need a close up of the process? No, no, we don't. So stop, okay?
M-K Olsen Drops out of NYU. Hmmm.
I hate Keira Knightley's new haircut.
People, please. Let us put an end to the hideous poncho trend once and for all. I'm begging you. Maybe that would make my sickness go away....
Mallory at 10/19/2004 10:11:00 PM
The One Where I am a Bad Yankee Fan
I'm going to let you all in on a secret. Well, I guess it's not much of a secret if I am posting it online, but whatever, work with me.
I'm not terribly frustrated that the Red Sox won two games
Now, let me explain.
Really, though, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind the Yankees and the Red Sox that I have a life. Shocking, I know. But guys, I really don't have the time to sit and wait around for ninety hour long baseball games because I have this undiagnosed sort of ADD thing where I can't focus on anything if I'm doing something, so watching your games cuts into my work time. And as much as I love y'all way, way more than Literary Theory, you guys don't help me get a 4.0, sooo....
Please, let's have a normal 9-inning game tomorrow, okay? Preferably with a big Yankee lead? Just saying.
Le sigh.
In political news, why does Alan Keyes even bother?. Bitch crazy.
"If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable. Whether they mean it or not, that is what will happen. If you are masked from your knowing your biological parents, you are in danger of encountering brothers and sisters you have no knowledge of."
Um, what? Does Alan Keyes watch Passions?
Let's look at two of Hollywood's fabbest couples:
1. Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis at the premiere of Neverland
He? Looks like Harry Potter. She...looks like she's a nice girl.
2. Flava Flav and Brigitte Neilsen at....a crazy party in Crazytown.
Um.
Mallory at 10/19/2004 12:30:00 AM
Monday, October 18, 2004
Crazy Bitches
Oh, Vicki, you make it so easy for people to make fun of you! I wonder if her jeans will be better than J. Lo's and the Baby Phat. As long as she stays away from huge, gaudy cats on the ass pocket, I think she'll be okay.
The Hilton Family continues to be, shall we say, fucked up
The junior hotel heiress, who had been wildly partying that night with her sister, Paris, and actress Bijou Phillips before getting hitched, asked for an annulment the next morning, according to sources. But Kathy was adamant that the Hilton family would not accept that, according to close friends. Instead, Hilton asked her daughter to hold off on untying the knot.
Yeah, Kathy, because that makes sense. In the way that, you know, it doesn't.
If somebody, anybody, could explain why I continue to wake up with "My Place" by Nelly stuck in my head, I'd really appreciate it.
Incidentally, why is Nelly trying so hard to be the new Ja Rule? Doesn't he know that the first Ja Rule sucked? It's perplexing.
Ann Coulter continues to be out of her bitter little mind. From Esquire:
If I wrote about how all sex is rape, if I were Naomi Wolf, I would have been on the cover of magazines. Magazines pretend to write about serious things while putting chicks in short skirts on their covers. I've written three non-fiction best sellers and I'll put on miniskirts for them, but no, I don't exist.
For starters, Naomi Wolf doesn't write about how all sex is rape. That quote is actually fictional, but I suppose it's asking too much for Miss C. to fact check. Also, is she trying to say that she doesn't use sex to sell? Because she's all dressed in leather on her book cover, even though no one wants to see her sexed up because ew.
I'm a bit peeved that Esquire even gave her an interview. She's like the crazy lady that rants and raves in the supermarket and you usually try to ignore those people until they stop screaming. The whole world should just ignore Ann and maybe she'd stop screaming. Maybe.
Desperate Housewives continues to reach epic levels of awesome. "Rex cries after he ejaculates". If that isn't a quote to use in everyday life, I don't know what is. I mean, sure, it's sort of bizarre and hard to relate to anything, but still. Hilarious.
I was watching The Lifetime Movie Network last night/this morning and they played Do You Know The Muffin Man?, the world's creepiest sex abuse/pagan ritual made for tv movie. I like to think of myself as a strong-willed girl who doesn't get scared easily, but gah! That movie totally creeped me out, hardcore.
Mallory at 10/18/2004 12:40:00 PM
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Wooo! And Hoooo!
Awesome.
Much love to Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui.
That was exciting and it gives me some much needed breathing room. And Roger Clemens powers the Astros to a win. If they keep on winning and make it to the World Series, I may fulfill my dream of beating him with a baseball bad. Exciting.
Mallory at 10/17/2004 01:54:00 AM
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Because You're Worth It
Yesterday, while attempting to shave my legs, I noticed that my razor has a little woman at the top of it.
Except she's all contorted and doing sort of a Staying Alive type dance.
Which makes me wonder-why do these razors have to have a dancing woman on them? Is it to remind everybody that they are for women, as if the pink didn't tip us all off? Or is it some sort of sick Scientologist mindfuck designed to get us all to go see John Travolta's latest film? It's all very strange.
I don't know how many of you have ever tried to shave in a dorm shower, but if you have, you can back me up here when I say that it's next to impossible. You have to sort of get all contorted and they don't teach you that ish in yoga classes.
As if I couldn't love Jon Stewart any more, he goes and hands Tucker Carlson his ass on a silver platter. It was seriously one of the most beautiful/brilliant/wonderful/insert fawning adjective things I have ever seen. Ever. He called him a dick! On television! It was awesome.
And, incidentally, totally true. He probably thinks that wearing a bowtie will make people less likely to beat him down. Hate. Like, massively.
This is the only cool thing Tucker will ever be involved in. And it's only because he, as the kids say, got served in front of a national audience. Sucks to be Tucker Carlson.
And I really couldn't possibly love Jon Stewart more. And nothing would get me to stop. Even if I found out that he kicks kittens. Hell, I'd send him kittens if he wanted.
Game Three of the ALCS, after being postponed last night, starts at 7:30. Tres exciting.
I really am becoming obsessed with the hair of the guys on the Red Sox. It just...it defies logic that they think that this is a good idea.
Johnny Damon
Manny Ramirez
Pedro Martinez
David Ortiz
(Okay, you can't see his hair there, but that picture cracks me up. He's like two seconds away from eating Felix Heredia who looks terrified, and rightfully so)
Now, say what you want about George Steinbrenner and his tyrannical ways, but none of the boys on the Yankees have a jheri-curl mullet. That's right, I said it, Pedro has a jhullet, y'all.
The Yankees don't look like dirty slobs, which is why they win and are happy. It's all about the hair.
I really need them to win tonight, a nice 3-0 series lead would give me some breathing room. It's just too stressful, especially for someone as high-strung as I am. Which is, uh, very.
The news that Gavin Rossdale has a lovechild may totally push Gwen Stefani over the edge. She's not too stable when it comes to guys (remember her years of pining for Tony?), and she's said to be devastated. I don't see this ending well
I'm sure she'll get at least two albums worth of music out of this, though. What? I'm not being heartless. Well, I am, but really, she writes best when she's tortured.
George W. Bush even had that smirk when he was little. The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess.
And I really, really hate Barbara Bush (Senior. I love the younger Barbara Bush, she and Jenna are the coolest and I am not being sarcastic when I say that). But, yeah, I hate the Former First Lady. Probably more than I should. She's just awful. I'll stop bitching, as it's not good for the blood pressure, but really-evil.
Mallory at 10/16/2004 06:35:00 PM
Thursday, October 14, 2004
The One Where I Hate Being Left-Handed
This Just In: Being Left-Handed Suck and Blows.
I'm left-handed, which people are always surprised about because my handwriting is, if I do say so myself, absurdly neat and apparently we southpaws are known for having poor penmanship. Or something. And ew, I just said penmanship. I'm ancient.
Anyway, today, while interning, I needed to address envelopes with markers. Now, for you right-handed bitches, that's all fine and dandy, but if you're left-handed, your hand goes over the words that you've written, leaving the side of your hand covered in pen or marker or pencil. And it looks so disgusting.
Not to mention:
Y'all may laugh at Ned Flanders and his Leftorium, but he's on to something. We don't have it easy.
Pet Peeve Alert! Pet Peeve Alert! "Supposively"? NOT a word. If I hear one more person say it, I may become violent.
The boy who sits next to me in my Film class is in two of my other classes. Today, asked me why I always have a Diet Coke with Lime with me. Apparently, such behavior isn't "normal", because DCwLi tastes like "chemicals" and "causes cancer and hallucinations".
Dear Diet Coke and Diet Coke with Lime,
Don't listen to the haters. They are just sad that they are delicious and calorie free and don't come in hot silver cans and bottles. You keep on keeping on.
Love Always,
Me
xoxo
But, I mean, really, when did it become appropriate to criticize the drinking habits of others? Do I go up to people drinking grape or cream sodas and telling them how disgusting that is? No, no I do not, even if the thought crossed my mind. And it has, because grape soda and cream soda are just so ick. But I don't broadcast it! Okay, well, I did just now, but whatever, I don't do it in person! I silently judge!
I'd love to hear Ludacris rap about the O'Reilly scandale.
Ann Coulter put out a new colummn after over a week. I was beginning to thought that she had suffocated from her own crazy, but she didn't. And she makes as little sense as ever.
If Gore had been elected president, right now he would just be finding that last lesbian quadriplegic for the Special Forces team.
Someone needs a Bex and a nice lie down.
I have absolutely no idea what made me think about this, but remember when Rosie O'Donnell and The Rosie O'Donnell Show were hugely popular? Like, insanely popular. And now she's all whacked out and ranting about her yellow. Sad. Sort of, I really don't care.
Oh, no! I know what made me think of Rosie, I was listening to the lame radio station at my internship, and they played "I Want You" by Savage Garden. And Rosie O'Donnell had an odd obsession with that song, and the two are linked in my mind. Or something. Shush.
Continuing with the recent theme of my obsession with Young Americans-Ian Somerhalder's UBER creepy episode of Law and Order:Special Victims Unit was just on. Like, no, he was a murdering psychopath who raped his brother. His brother! And yet, he's still oddly attractive in that vaguely sinister way. Odd.
Um, I realize how I appear to have no clear train of thought. I blame it on...uh...allergies. Yeah, allergies.
The Academy Awards may not be boring enough to drive people to suicide, as Chris Rock has been tapped as the host. I know following Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg will be oh so difficult, but I have faith.
I keep hearing these rumors that Sienna "Heffa" Miller, paramour of one Mr. Jude Law is a fashion icon, despite doing little more than jacking the style of one Kate Moss. So you'd think that a fashion icon would wear something fun, fab, and, I don't know, pretty to the world premiere of her movie. Ms. Miller does not agree. I am at a loss to explain why she chose to bit Avril Lavigne's sartorial style.
The controversy over Paris Hilton's latest sex tape continues, as her friend says that yes, she has used racial slurs before. Hmm. On the one hand, it's nice to see Paris get her comeuppance and maybe it means that she won't be all over anymore (please? I'm praying!). But on the other hand, this former friend of hers is Mischa Barton's greasy, bloated boyfriend and I really don't want to think positively of him for any reason.
And, finally, from The Daily News:
Jack Nicholson relaxed with Amy Sacco at Bungalow 8 after the Yankees game on Tuesday, watching from a booth as Sean Lennon had to drag an unconscious gal pal out the front door ...
Um, Sean Lennon needs new friends.
Mallory at 10/14/2004 08:58:00 PM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
News and Stuff Part II
Today's episode of America's Next Top Model made me proud to be an American. The DRAMA and the BRIGHTNESS and the FABULOSITY was overwhelming. Overwhelming. "What's $10 to catch a bitch?" Shut up, you crackho. I firmly believe that the modeling world does not need a heffa who is so blatantly rocking the Johnny Winter look. Nobody needs that. Not even prisons.
Bill O'Reilly in sex lawsuit? Ew. I don't know about you guys, but I was perfectly content to live my life without ever knowing about Billy's fetishes. Ew. I had been convinced that he was a virgin, actually. Remember his novel? He had obviously never had sex before, his descriptions were so technical.
Their bodies were rising and falling like things that rise and fall. Then he had an orgasm. The end.
And that's, like, hardly an exaggeration. Really.
I cannot wait to see what my boy Jon Stewart does with this.
I once made a vow promising to stop being shallow but...whatever, then I turned eight and realized that being shallow is what makes the world go round. So, Johnny Damon? Good player and all. But damn, he looks like a Monchichi with a weave. A bad weave.
I love Bernie Williams.
I hate Pedro Martinez.
Notes from the Debate:
Pedro Martinez is a bitchass punk. "Who's your Daddy?" indeed. Sniff. I love New York.
Does it make me a bad person that I laughed at someone's hilariously fake Chanel earrings today in the mall? It does? Well, in my defense, they looked like they were made of tinfoil and she was wearing them with a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt.
Mallory at 10/13/2004 10:37:00 PM
News and Stuff
Nicky Hilton is getting an anullment?! Dude, even the Amish saw that one coming.
Is Tom Cruise splitting with Paula Wagner? Now...I thought it was weird enough when he cut off ties with Pat Kingsley to be represented by his sister/Scientologist weirdo. But this? Is even worse. One of these days, he is just going to be holed up in his estate, surrounded by only Scientologists, speaking in tongues. Freak. And to think I spent a good part of my formative years in love with him! I swear, I didn't know about his Scientologist/Control Freak tendencies! Luckily, I outgrew that when I outgrew (literally) him, back in, like, sixth grade.
Britney Federline? Oh, dear.
"I'd love to have a baby already. But I've got to take care of some things first ... I want to become a mother. I'm crazy about children ... next year, when I'm 23 I'll be ready."
Um.
I hope that the "things" she needs to take care of include brushing her hair, giving up trucker hats and getting Oxy pads for her face. But, really, that's easily the scariest thing I've read all day.
Bitchass Martinez takes the mound tonight for the Boston Red Sox. I've heard that my hatred of Pedro is "irrational" and "unreasonable", but whatevah. And with such bad hair, too. As my friend Nicole wondered last night, what is with all of the Red Sox following Johnny Damon's lead and growing their hair out? NOT a good look, y'all. And if there's one thing that bothers me more than arrogance, it's bad hair.
New Mos Def album! Verdict? Excellent. But that was to be expected, I suppose.
GWB's Dred Scott Namedropping is Code for Abortion? I think I speak for us all when I say, "Say what?!" That entire thing was just bizarre, I suppose there's no point to me even trying to look for reason in it. But code? I am so afraid of the world sometimes.
None too pleased with a description of an alleged flirtation, Cindy Crawford wants a retraction from Jenna Jameson. Heffa, please, that's the most exciting thing you've ever done. Like, really, you'd think she'd take great measures to make herself seem less criminally boring. For Cindy Crawford is the Queen of the Boringtons.
America's Next Top Model is tonight! And Amanda may not be able to do the runway show because it's at night and she's all blind and stuff. Is it wrong of me to sort of hope that she falls? Yes. Oh, okay, because I totally wasn't thinking that. Nope. Um. La la la.
Mallory at 10/13/2004 03:35:00 PM
Ca-razy
Oh, sweet merciful Christ, that baseball game almost killed me. Killed! Dead! I was nearly dead, you guys.
I was so sad for Mike Mussina, I wanted to cry for him (did I cry? Um...look over there!) when he gave up those runs, he looked so disappointed in himself. Sniff.
And then it all went crazy! I felt like I was taking crazy pills. Poor Mariano was obviously still grieving, that's the only explanation for...that. And my stomach started to hurt and I needed a killer ciggie/vodka combo.
So, please, boys, if you're reading this (and I know you are...) please, please don't be such drama queens in the next game. My head/heart/psyche/liver can't handle it. Plus, my neighbors will very quickly get sick of my screaming. So please, just be normal, okay? Thanks.
Jenny and Benny Part Deux Spotted All Over LA. The nation yawns.
Alfie pushed back until November 5th? Say it ain't so!. That makes me really sad, I had been looking forward to seeing Jude in his pretty golden boy glory. Hmph.
Tupac is still dead, right? Because, like, five people were talking about him today and I wasn't sure if I had missed something. But he is, right? Dead? Okay.
Me and Diet Coke sitting in a tree, kissing....
If I were less ladylike, I'd have vulgar words for my Literary Criticism class, something along the lines of "Michel Foucault can suck my dick". But I am a lady, so I won't say that.
Tatum O'Neal is releasing her autobiography, which includes a story about how Melanie Griffith (who was dating Tatum's father Ryan) had an orgy with a French couple who was their drug hookup and Tatum...when Tatum was twelve. I apologize for the smog of ick that just clouded up your screen.
Bush taunts Kerry. If our President is not the Brenda Walsh of politics, I don't know what he is. But can't you see him at the Peach Pit? Or stomping off in a huff when Condi tells him to go to bed? Maybe it's just me...
I don't know who John Kerry's 90210 alter ego is, because none of them would go out in public wearing shorts like that. Not even David Silver.
The Electoral Vote has Bush up by fourteen, for what it's worth. Although it seems to change every fourteen seconds. Who knows?
Mallory at 10/13/2004 01:00:00 AM
Monday, October 11, 2004
Skanktastic, Y'All
Once upon a time, there was a pop singer who "sang" songs and was generally cute. Her name was Britney Spears.
We were all waiting for her 15 minutes of fame to be over, because, quite frankly, we were a bit sick of the same recycled beats from "Baby One More Time" being used on "Ooops! I Did It Again", but then "Slave 4 U" came out, and we all just loved her. Perhaps it was just me. But whatevah. And then she tongued Madonna onstage at the VMAs and then released "Toxic" which is one of the most danceable songs ever, and we (I) said, "Oh, Britney! I do love you!"
And now, that pretty little pop singer? Looks like this:
For the first time since I learned to speak, I have no words. I don't even know how to properly discuss that. It's just so...icky. So totally icky.
According to Page Six, the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud continues. Hilary's new album has a song called "Haters" that is reputedly directed at Miss Lohan, with the lyrics:
You're the queen of superficiality/Keep your lies out of my reality. You say your boyfriend's sweet and kind/But you've still got your eyes on mineOuch!
This, of course, simply begs for a knockdown fight. It could be like West Side Story set to tween pop music. Hilary would no doubt tell Lindsay that she's "So yesterday" and Lindsay would call in her posse of Paris Hilton and Bijou Phillips. And, if we're being frank, Bijou would fuck Hilary up. She'd cut a bitch in a second, no doubt.
ABC gets on Star's back for being a greedy no class ho. Perhaps not in that language, but you know they were thinking it.
Another day, another sex tape for Plastered Paris Hilton. Someone needs to sit her down and explain that you can have sex without video cameras present.
The box office numbers are in and I've never been so happy to be an American. Taxi bombed, you guys! I could cry with happiness. More people went to see Ladder 49 with bloated, icky John Travolta who was probably wearing four or so girdles throughout. Sniff. I love the world!
And then there's Xtina Aguilera. On the one hand, I should be thankful that she left the Dee Snider makeup at home and that we can no longer see up her skirt into her uterus. But on the other hand...look at her eyebrows. She has taken to coloring them on. It worked for Joan Crawford, but Chrissy? Not so much.
And red bicycle shorts? Really, Xtina? God help the world if that becomes a trend...
Why, Why, Winona? Why? You'd think that her brush with prison would have made her reevaluate her priorities, which include haircare, makeup and cute clothing. But no. She wears...that. Pantyhose and old lady shoes. It hurts me.
Awww, Shalom and Amber=BFF! I love those crazy kids.
It makes me happy that John Galliano continues to be insane. In a world with such instability, it's nice that we can always count on this.
John Edwards loves running. That gives me pause, as running is a thing of the devil. Perhaps it is time that I fully commit my Jo(h)n love to one Mr. Stewart. Jon! I like tequila, too! Call me!
Apropos of nothing, it would be my pleasure to whack Roger Clemens upside the head with a baseball bat. That truly is the American dream.
You know, my ADD prevented me from doing my work all day. Now, I don't have ADD in the sense that I have been diagnosed for it. But I blame my unacknowledged ADD for the fact that, rather than do work, I sit and watch Soapnet and drink Diet Coke all day.
For example:
What I Said I Would Do Today
"You know, I have all day off, thanks to Christopher Columbus, so I can totally devote the day to getting work done. I'll do my Literary Theory work and read Marx and Foucalt and Derrida, may he rest in peace, and I'll be done by seven and it'll all be good. I am going to be SO productive. Like, the most productive person EVER. Go me."
What I Wound Up Doing Today
"Dude, Marx can fucking bite me. Who fucking cares about Greece and society and, like, art? Whatever, this sucks so hard. What time is it? It's one...hmm, that means that Another World is on and then Ryan's Hope after than and then, eeee! Dynasty!"
Not many people understand my Dynasty love, which I sort of understand, as I was not yet born when it premiered but...it's really fabulous, only Melrose Place beats it out in terms of sheer cheesy goodness.
Mallory at 10/11/2004 10:45:00 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
All night, she wants the Young Americans
Jacques Derrida died and now I sort of feel badly for complaining about him so much in my Literary Criticism class. But only sort of.
Breaking news: President Bush and Senator Kerry fight like bitches. Maybe that's how we should settle the election, just an out and out Dynasty fight with clawing and pushing people in the pool, Dubya screaming "I hate you, Blaaaaaaaake". Shoulder pads and power suits would be a given, of course.
My mind sometimes takes me to scary places.
In other news: The Yankees advance to the ALCS! Of course, it couldn't just be an easy game, they had to be losing, then tie it up, then lose by quite a bit, then tie it up fabulously and then win in extra innings. Now, boys? I understand that you have dramatic tendencies and think it's fun to do that, just to make a statement, but...um, it's not. It makes me nervous.
God, the ALCS last year almost killed me, I spent much of it curled up in the fetal position under a blanket, daring to move only when I felt the need to swear at the television. Which I did, loudly and often. My poor nerves (and neighbors) can't take another series like that.
VH1's Hip Hop Honors is on this Tuesday. And I had been excited because, hi, Mos Def, but! He didn't host! And no one will explain why. Diva issues? Perhaps. But I'd so have his back on that, because...Vivica A. Fox? Dude. Just because she shtupped 50 Cent ::shudder:: does not make her an appropriate host of this show. Because 50 Cent is barely appropriate for this show and he dumped her skank ass in a New York minute. The man willingly spends time with Lloyd Banks and the G-g-g-g-G-Unit boys, and even he drew the line at Vivica. Nobody deserves to be in close proximity to VAF, I hope MC Lyte got compensated nicely for it.
Seeing Kate Bosworth get all famous and possibly engaged to Orlando Bloom has made me a little bit sad. Not because I have anything against her, I rather like her but because...well..because it counts out the possibility of a Young Americans reunion.
You may be asking yourself, "Melrose Place? Dynasty? Dawson's Creek? Young Americans? Has this girl no taste?" and the answer is no, I do not have any taste. If it's campy and soapy and over-the-top, I'll probably watch it. If I were to tell you how many hours I spent watching Days of Our Lives and the (ridiculous!) Salem Stalker storyline, you'd laugh and laugh. I willingly watched Drake Hogestyn emote with his eyebrow. I am obviously sick.
But, yes, for a brief moment, Young Americans represented all that was good and fabulous about primetime soap operas. Boys who were on the scary/pretty cusp? Check (well, boy, not boys. The others were sort of ugmo). Storylines with incestuous undertones? Check. A girl pretending to be a boy and then a boy becoming attracted to that "boy"? Check! Heinously obvious Coca Cola product placement? Check! SUCH an awesome show. And now, just a distant memory. And since Miss Bosworth is all famed out and Ian Somerhalder is all on a real show, the reunion movie will never happen. Sniff.
I know that Saturday Night Live hasn't been good for at least a decade, but really, this season is just pitiful. Like, really bad. I thought that Jimmy Fallon leaving would make things better. But it seems as though Horatio Sanz's suckage continues to taint the whole operation. Look at the weave they gave Maya as Beyonce! That's, like, a quarter of the size of Beyonce's weave. God. Not even Corona can make this better (mmm, Corona...). Poor Queen Latifah, she's better than this. And so is Seth Meyers, he's too cute and too good for this.
And, God, Jude Law is hosting on the 23rd? DAMN IT. Why do you hurt me this way, Jude? And with Ashlee Simpson as musical guest? Christ. The things I do for the people I love (in a non-stalker way).
I am endlessly amused by the fact that all of the little ads in my Gmail are about Diet Coke. Brilliant.
Mallory at 10/10/2004 12:05:00 AM
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Bitch, Please
Like all of the cool kids, I stayed in and watched the Presidential debate tonight. Does it make me slightly less nerdy that I drank Banana Slush Punch while doing so? ::crickets chirp::
Huh.
Banana Slush Punch is really good, by the way. It has my stamp of approval.
Anyway, I felt like I was taking crazy pills throughout the course of the night. To wit:
Mallory at 10/09/2004 01:00:00 AM
Friday, October 08, 2004
Hateration
I'm hopelessly addicted to postseason baseball, which is dangerous, as it makes me break out into hives and bite my fingernails. It's just so stressful!
I'm watching the Red Sox/Anaheim game and I must ask-why is Manny Ramirez? I understand that it his not his job to be particularly good looking, which is a good thing for him, since he's not. At all.
Perhaps I'm making too much of this. But really, his fug is like whoa.
And don't even get me started on Johnny Damon. He frightens small children.
I'd discuss my hatred of Pedro Martinez, but it's not good for the blood pressure.
Neither is this game! Ahead, behind, up, down, tied, ack! And I have nothing personally invested in either of these teams. Well, aside from the hateration of the Red Sox Nation, but whatevah. I will have no fingernails tomorrow, I can tell.
Continuing the theme of hateration in this dancerie, the new Eminem song? Sucks. It sucks so hard. Wicked hard, even. And the video? Even worse, if possible. He takes shots at Michael Jackson, Madonna, Pee Wee Herman and MC Hammer. Say what?! I love how he fancies himself to be this big, brave guy, but when it comes to public beefs he goes after MC Hammer. What balls he has.
My main issue with Eminem (besides the Shady brand clothing line that redefines the word "wretched"...and the bleached hair...and 8 Mile...) is the fact that he's just ridiculous. Remember how in high school, when your parents grounded you, you'd be all, "I hate you so much" and then write in your diary about how much you hated them? Well, that's what Eminem does, except his sets his diary to lame beats and films videos about his entries. Calling people "bitch" and "fag" when you're mad is so prepubescent. He's an emotionally stunted freak, is what he is, and not half as clever as he thinks he is.
In other news: Linday Lohan's dad continues to be creepy and trashy. And also, Lindsay don't play no games when it comes to blueberry muffins. Well, fame went to her head pretty fast, didn't it? Downward spirals are endlessly entertaining. Fresh faced starlet one day...orange, Fez-dating, cleavage revealing, Paris Hilton friend the next. Hilarious.
Haylie Duff continues to claim to be 19. Um, whatever, heffa. 19 year olds don't look like that. She sort of reminds me of the Nouveau riche housewife ads that Amber Valletta and Georgina Grenville did for Versace. Except she's not being tongue in cheek.
In gossip news, Ted Casablanca continues to be incoherent and ridiculous. And also, his blind items are l-a-m-e. Someone is gay! The shock! Someone snorts coke! Mon dieu! And his infantile, cutesy way of writing is just maddening. Maddening, I tell you.
Mallory at 10/08/2004 07:30:00 PM
Me and Jon Sitting in a Tree, Making Fun of O'Reilly
Dear Jon Stewart
Really, haven't you toyed with my emotions long enough? Let's just run away and get married, this whole "waiting" business and your situation with your "wife" is just getting ridiculous. And I'm okay with being taller than you, I'll deal with it, and I'm good with kids, I'd be an excellent stepmother.
xoxoxo,
Me
Bill O'Reilly was on The Daily Show right now and, shockingly, he didn't make me want to throw things. Scandale! He could not possibly have looked more uncomfortable, though, I was almost waiting for him to fall off of the couch. And he had obviously been thinking up those "witty" "jokes" about bongs and stuff for weeks, but the decibel level remained normal, so I suppose I can't complain too much.
His tie was very purple, no? Very lilac, actually. I really like the name Lilac, is that odd? It is, and it's probably a discussion for another time. Anyhoo, odd sartorial choice.
I really do enjoy hearing about how unpartisan O'Reilly is. I mean...really. We weren't born yesterday, Billy.
Speaking of partisan nutjobs, if someone can explain the logic in crazy article, it would be much appreciated. The leaps of logic are alarming. Like, Natalie Portman is voting against Bush because her boyfriend broke up with her? What?! And we shouldn't like Whoopi Goldberg because she used to be on welfare? I mean, there are lots of reasons to dislike Whoopi Goldberg, Bogus and her Academy Award hosting skills chief among them. But instead we shouldn't like her because she left the ghetto and wound up an award winning millionaire? I don't understand. Like, at all, so if someone can explain it, it would be much appreciated.
I have to admit, after watching the faux commercial on The Daily Show-I have the most ridiculous soft spot for Barbara and Jenna Bush. Which sounds weird, really, as they're a year older than me, but whatever. I don't really get the criticism; they aren't perfect and are maybe a little bratty, but so am I. And I like tequila, too! Call me, girls, we can go shopping!
Britney formalizes her marriage and fires her longtime manager. I really, really want to know who thought this was a good idea. Momma Spears must be terrified. I wonder if she'll replace Larry Rudolph with Kevin...her downward spiral is really sort of seedy and sad, but ultimately entertaining. The E! True Hollywood Story should be pretty awesome.
Mallory at 10/08/2004 12:05:00 PM
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Ear Pollution
The worst part about my internship is, hands down, the radio station that we are required to listen to. Not the Republicanism, not the work, not the fact that I can't find college-ruled paper. No. The radio station. It's one of those adult contemporary stations, but even worse than they usually are. And it's the only radio station that comes in, so it's either listen to that or work in silence and silence makes me twitchy. Therefore, I am stuck listening to the radio.
Now, for the record, let me just say that I have no taste in music. No, really. I listen to pop and mainstream hip-hop and I have never heard of the too cool for school Indie bands that people are always talking about. My Ipod has songs by Wham! and The Spice Girls and I think Old School Madonna (pre-Erotica) is absolutely brilliant, and I plan on buying Britney's Greatest Hits Album...non-ironically. I also freely admit to listening to Tyra Banks's "Shake Ya Body" more than once and thinking that Pharrell doesn't suck.
So, basically, if I think music is bad? It really, really must be bad.
We can start with the morning DJ's. The man, whose name I either don't remember or have blocked from my consciousness, is the "randy" one, who makes "jokes" about the "nightlife". His overly perky co-host Elaine laughs at these "jokes" and talks about how Joey is her favorite show. Joey, y'all. The weather man sounds vaguely suicidal, as though he realizes how lame his job is.
Now, onto the music. I wrote down the last ten songs that they played:
As you can see, it is a testament to my inner strength that I have not yet thrown myself out the window.
Mallory at 10/07/2004 11:35:00 AM
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Randomosity
Notes from the Debate
Uh, that's it.
I'm a bit confused as to how people determined a clear winner in this, other than partisanship, obviously. They both seemed about the same, and maybe Cheney even had a bit of an edge. People said Cheney was "grumpy" and...well, god, can you imagine the man beeing cheerful? Shudder. God bless the man's grumpiness.
Although, we did catch Cheney in a lie, which I'm sure shocks everyone. And even Drudge covered it. Drudge, you guys.
Tiger Woods gets married in Barbados. His boring levels remain constant. Hootie and the Blowfish was there. Hootie and the Blowfish, y'all.
Jessica Simpson is on the cover of Marie Claire marking her zillionth magazine cover this year. And, again, she tries to tell us that she's really smart and not dumb at all. Whatevah, Jess, whatevvah. Are her fifteen minutes up? No? How about now?
Moby is a scholar of the Olsen twins, apparently. O...kay. I like the girls and their lip gloss is fab, but don't you think "desperate, Shakesperean, tragic quality" is, uh, overreaching a bit?
Speaking of M-K and Ash, are they dropping out of NYU?
The Olsen twins make such horrible, horrible movies but I am not too proud to stay in bed and watch them while hungover. It's a great cure. And I really do mean what I say about their lip gloss, incidentally. I'm a major lip gloss snob, and I find that the MKAO brand is just-well, it's great, if we're being honest. It's right up there with Benefit The Gloss and MAC Lipglass. I swear, I wouldn't lead you astray.
Now I really really really want to go to Sephora. Sweet, sweet Sephora.
In other news, Jon Stewart still has not returned my marriage proposal. What's the deal with that? Perhaps I should transfer my affection to Stephen Colbert, if only because it's hilarious to say "Warren G. Harding was a worthless piece of shit. Fuck him" in everyday conversation. Though I'm sure my Stewart love will be back in full swing when Bill O'Reilly guests...decisions, decisions.
Mallory at 10/06/2004 07:40:00 PM
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Important Pop Culture Notes
#
Mallory at 10/05/2004 01:24:00 AM
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Vice, Vice Baby
I spent most...well, okay, all of yesterday hungover (damn margaritas!) and everything seemed so unbelievably loud and it hurt my aching head. So if I yelled at you on the phone for "yelling" at me, I do apologize. Thank god for Diet Coke, though. It helped me through the pain.
And, seriously, yesterday was a pretty good day to spend in bed hungover because of the Melrose Place marathon. Is there a more fabulous show? No. No, there's not.
On Tuesday, My boyfriend battles the most evil man in the land.
I'm really looking forward to this debate. And not just because I heart John Edwards; the styles of these two are so markedly different, the contrast alone should be entertaining. And I'd like to see how bitchy Mr. Cheney is, he's known for being sort of vicious and sarcastic. Although his quip about orangeosity was more unfunny than anything. Hardy har har, Dick.
And, of course, it's always fun to sing "Vice, vice baby" when discussing the Vice Presidents. Shut up, it is.
Also fun: Mos Def's new album coming out on October 12th! (No, I'm not cool enough to say that the album is dropping) I have been waiting for this since, oh, I don't know, 1999, so it's major.
Speaking of music, I would like to outlaw the followings songs:
Trish Goff needs to make a comeback. I was writing notes for my paper, instead of studying for my politics test, and I realized that a lot of the girly looking models they're using today-Lisa Cant, Jessica Stam, Heather Marks, etc.-are totally doing the Trish Goff thing. And as Trish came first, and is effortlessly cooler than the lot of them, I think that she is entitled to a comeback. I'm fully aware that I'm the only person in the world who thinks issues like these are important.
And my paper is so fuuuuun. I'm having way more fun researching it than I have any right to, but I think that any paper that has a section on The Trintity (Christy, Linda and Naomi, none of that religious ish) is a paper that is basically pretty awesome.
Mallory at 10/03/2004 05:28:00 PM