Saturday, October 09, 2004
Bitch, Please
Like all of the cool kids, I stayed in and watched the Presidential debate tonight. Does it make me slightly less nerdy that I drank Banana Slush Punch while doing so? ::crickets chirp::
Huh.
Banana Slush Punch is really good, by the way. It has my stamp of approval.
Anyway, I felt like I was taking crazy pills throughout the course of the night. To wit:
Well, first of all, the new Red Sox anthem is "Keep the faith". What faith? It makes no sense. Better than "Cowboy Up", yes. But what wouldn't be? "Cowboy Up" makes me suicidal. Or homicidal. Something -cidal. "Keep the faith" though, is just lame. And nonsensical.
The Yankees won, which was, like, good and everything. Big ups to them. I kept frantically flipping back between the game and the debate and then I lost the remote by, um, using it as a coaster, and I flipped out a little. It's okay, though, I found it.
George W. Bush obviously comes from the school of thought where YELLING MEANS THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
His repeated smackdowns of Charles Gibson were a thing of hilarity. Rude and obnoxious, sure, but still, funny.
There are multiple Internets, haven't you heard? I wonder how many Al Gore invented.
Once again, Bush was repping the Poland connection. He's really, really proud of Poland.
Why do people hate lawyers so much? I bet if you rounded people up and asked them the three sleaziest jobs ever, the answers would be pimp, ho and lawyer.
John Kerry does not believe in using stem cells from "abortions or something like that". It's really nice that he's so articulate.
Kerry also said that Red Sox fans are out of touch with reality which, while true, was technically, just this once, inappropriate, as the Red Sox had just won a playoff series with a walkoff homerun. And he thought it was clever, too. Props for trying, I guess.
My head started to hurt at this point. Debate + Yelling + Punch = Headache.
There was then MORE YELLING. Sweet Jesus, he was pissier and yellier than I was when I was fifteen.
I decided to splurge on the new Prada perfume. That has nothing to do with anything. La la la, look over there!
The President then namedropped Dred Scott. Like, way to prove that you took The History of the US in eleventh grade, bro.
I suppose it's reassuring that he confirmed that he doesn't support slavery, though.
I believe he took a page from the Tiny Tom Cruise book of public appearances and was rocking the lifts. Or had a growth spurt.
Kerry's off handed mention of Teresa was a bit stilted, no? Perhaps he shouldn't make it so terribly obvious who wears the pants in that family.
And Kerry totally didn't win this debate, even though his opponent was obviously horrified when someone mentioned the 4th Amendment ("Wha? Which one...?"). If I hear one person say, "Obviously, Kerry won", I will punch them. Because no. He fumbled a lot in the beginning and a bit at the end and the overall effort was kind of meh. The whole blind "He definitely won!!111" thing grates.
We should also take him aside and discuss inflection and tone with him.
Randomly, will someone back me up on the wretchedosity of the Revlon commercials?Cue spokesmodel (Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Eva Mendes or Jamie King) walking prettily around while a song croons in the background ("I belieeeeeeeve in love, I believe in loooove"). They are just so pretty, in their Revlon (well, Eva Mendes isn't) that they can't help but think about how pretty they are. Cue a pensive look (well, Eva Mendes can't do pensive, it looks like they told her to try to look at her nose or something) as they continue walking, pretty in their Revlon. And then they see a huge poster of themself, all beautiful, and they stare and smile at their beauty. Uh, what? So if I wear Revlon, I'll be pretty (or Eva Mendes) and walk around and then see a huge poster of myself? O...kay?
"Good steward of the earth"? Bitch, please.
I wonder if Charlie Gibson is going to go home and cry.
It's wrong of me to laugh at that mental picture, isn't it?
Mallory at 10/09/2004 01:00:00 AM
0comments
0 Comments