Monday, October 11, 2004
Skanktastic, Y'All
Once upon a time, there was a pop singer who "sang" songs and was generally cute. Her name was Britney Spears.
We were all waiting for her 15 minutes of fame to be over, because, quite frankly, we were a bit sick of the same recycled beats from "Baby One More Time" being used on "Ooops! I Did It Again", but then "Slave 4 U" came out, and we all just loved her. Perhaps it was just me. But whatevah. And then she tongued Madonna onstage at the VMAs and then released "Toxic" which is one of the most danceable songs ever, and we (I) said, "Oh, Britney! I do love you!"
And now, that pretty little pop singer? Looks like this:
For the first time since I learned to speak, I have no words. I don't even know how to properly discuss that. It's just so...icky. So totally icky.
According to Page Six, the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud continues. Hilary's new album has a song called "Haters" that is reputedly directed at Miss Lohan, with the lyrics:
You're the queen of superficiality/Keep your lies out of my reality. You say your boyfriend's sweet and kind/But you've still got your eyes on mineOuch!
This, of course, simply begs for a knockdown fight. It could be like West Side Story set to tween pop music. Hilary would no doubt tell Lindsay that she's "So yesterday" and Lindsay would call in her posse of Paris Hilton and Bijou Phillips. And, if we're being frank, Bijou would fuck Hilary up. She'd cut a bitch in a second, no doubt.
ABC gets on Star's back for being a greedy no class ho. Perhaps not in that language, but you know they were thinking it.
Another day, another sex tape for Plastered Paris Hilton. Someone needs to sit her down and explain that you can have sex without video cameras present.
The box office numbers are in and I've never been so happy to be an American. Taxi bombed, you guys! I could cry with happiness. More people went to see Ladder 49 with bloated, icky John Travolta who was probably wearing four or so girdles throughout. Sniff. I love the world!
And then there's Xtina Aguilera. On the one hand, I should be thankful that she left the Dee Snider makeup at home and that we can no longer see up her skirt into her uterus. But on the other hand...look at her eyebrows. She has taken to coloring them on. It worked for Joan Crawford, but Chrissy? Not so much.
And red bicycle shorts? Really, Xtina? God help the world if that becomes a trend...
Why, Why, Winona? Why? You'd think that her brush with prison would have made her reevaluate her priorities, which include haircare, makeup and cute clothing. But no. She wears...that. Pantyhose and old lady shoes. It hurts me.
Awww, Shalom and Amber=BFF! I love those crazy kids.
It makes me happy that John Galliano continues to be insane. In a world with such instability, it's nice that we can always count on this.
John Edwards loves running. That gives me pause, as running is a thing of the devil. Perhaps it is time that I fully commit my Jo(h)n love to one Mr. Stewart. Jon! I like tequila, too! Call me!
Apropos of nothing, it would be my pleasure to whack Roger Clemens upside the head with a baseball bat. That truly is the American dream.
You know, my ADD prevented me from doing my work all day. Now, I don't have ADD in the sense that I have been diagnosed for it. But I blame my unacknowledged ADD for the fact that, rather than do work, I sit and watch Soapnet and drink Diet Coke all day.
For example:
What I Said I Would Do Today
"You know, I have all day off, thanks to Christopher Columbus, so I can totally devote the day to getting work done. I'll do my Literary Theory work and read Marx and Foucalt and Derrida, may he rest in peace, and I'll be done by seven and it'll all be good. I am going to be SO productive. Like, the most productive person EVER. Go me."
What I Wound Up Doing Today
"Dude, Marx can fucking bite me. Who fucking cares about Greece and society and, like, art? Whatever, this sucks so hard. What time is it? It's one...hmm, that means that Another World is on and then Ryan's Hope after than and then, eeee! Dynasty!"
Not many people understand my Dynasty love, which I sort of understand, as I was not yet born when it premiered but...it's really fabulous, only Melrose Place beats it out in terms of sheer cheesy goodness.
Mallory at 10/11/2004 10:45:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 11:53 AM
said... Does her hat say "Carpe Assum"? Because that's either the funniest or the saddest thing I've seen all day.
The less said about your Dynasty obsession, the better.
-Adam-
at 3:00 PM
Mallory said... Her face is covered with that stuff, and you're concerned with her hat? Freak.
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at 11:30 PM
said...
It does say "Carpe Assum", doesn't it? That and the stuff on her face confirms it, it's the saddest thing I've seen all day, although it has its funny merits as well.
I thought trucker hats were out. That's what you told me, anyway. Or is Little Miss Trendy behind the times?
-A.