Saturday, October 30, 2004

I Hate Halloween

There are many, many things I hate about Halloween, including the pressure to go dressed in some sort of skank wear in order to go to majorly sketch parties or bars where you get grinded on by some sort of skeevy fratboy with Maroon 5 playing in the background and the way that streets look after oh-so-funny people go around with shaving cream and toilet paper. Because nothing says funny like bathroom products.

But, really, what I hate most about Halloween is how, in the days leading up to it, all that's on television are scary movies.

Now, surprisingly, I don't scare all too easily and for someone as high strung as I am, that's quite a feat indeed.

However.

When one is alone in a room in a really old house, it's sort of easy to get creeped out, especially when creepy movies are on tv and when someone (you know who you are!) tells you a story about a murderous clown. At night. In the dark. Peachy.

All I wanted to do last night--well, there are many things I wanted to do last night, but I had neither the time nor logistics to do many of them--was relax and watch something lame, like Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and make fun of Christopher Meloni's attempt at emoting. But! All that was on were scary movies. And today? More of the same.

And, against my better judgment, I was all, "Oh, I'll be fine if I have a creepy movie on. I mean, I'm 21, I'm not a baby."

Erm. No, that didn't work out so well.

  • The Omen? Is creepy, y'all. With the creepiest little kid ever. The poster for the movie is creepy. And the last scene in the film? Creepy. Also? The curse of the production. Where, like, the writer's plane was struck by lightning; Gregory Peck canceled a flight that later crashed, killing everybody; and assorted car crashes. Cree-pee.

  • Then there's The Shining, which I had watched at a sleepover when I was, like, thirteen and I truly believe that it scarred me for life. I don't even know what's the creepiest part-Jack Nicholson's eyebrows, those twin girls (ack!), Danny's whole "Tony" talking with his finger in that bizarre voice thing, "Redrum" or the blood in the hallways. Actually, no, the scariest part is when the ghost is getting a blowjob from a furry at the end of the hall. Because it was just so random and disturbing.

  • The Ring. Now, let me just tell you-I didn't need another reason to be afraid of horses, I've had many since childhood. But damn if that movie didn't add to it. The barn scene? ::whimper:: It's no wonder Samara was all fucking murderous, they made her sleep with the goddamn horses! And the horse on the ferry? When it was all going scared and crazy, and Naomi Watts was all, "Let me pet you, that'll make you stop"? Okay, fuck that shit. I get scared when puppies get yippy, there's no way in hell I'm hanging around a mad horse. There was so much more scariness throughout. After I saw it, I seriously didn't want to look at a tv for, like, ever. And as soon as I saw Naomi Watts and that creepy little kid last night, I flipped by as fast as humanly possible.

  • IT. Bitch, please. This is one of the scariest movies ever. Ever! I was afraid of Tim Curry for years after learning that this movie existed (I never actually watched it until forced to in high school) and I was apprehensive when I heard his voice on The Wild Thornberrys. I mean...Pennywise (if you think I am linking to a picture, you're out of your damn fool mind) is one of the most terrifying things ever, and a perfect representation of why clowns are scary. "We all float down here". ACK! Adding to the crown creepiness are three simples words: John Wayne Gacy. Sure, he wasn't dressed as a clown when he killed people, but the fact that he was a clown and a killer is more than enough.

    So there's all of this, and then? Someone who I am not currently on speaking terms with (hmph!) decided to remind me about a nasty little clown urban legend. And, of course, I'm not content to just read that, I have to explore all of Snopes, including the roommate's death, the babysitter and the man upstairs and creepy pretend blind men sacrificing women to sell their skin.

    And then a nice little piece of fiction presented as something real and ACK!.

    Before you say, "Hey, those are all fictional, dumbass", let me say this-I know they're not real, but plenty of stuff isn't real and that doesn't prevent it from being any less frightening.

    And? I don't even have any candy right now to make me feel better, which is just peachy. Peachy! So I'm all jittery, afraid to turn the lights off and anxious for Halloween to come and go and leave The Surreal Life as the scariest thing on tv.

    Mallory at 10/30/2004 09:57:00 PM

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    4 Comments

    at 2:14 PM Blogger phoenix said...

    Amen. Though it's not the scariness that irks me about the Halloween movie glut. It's the fact that I've seen any scary movie I wanted to see last year. and the year before that. And so on. and so on. Isn't there a vault for seasonal overplayed movies? Can the Omen be locked up with The Wizard of OZ, It's a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street? And can someone tell the classic movie channels that showing Vincent Price movies during primetime is not what the viewing public is clamoring for?

     
    at 3:50 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

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    at 3:11 AM Blogger Rayanne Graff said...

    Okay, Bingley -- I followed your links to the nasty clown statue stories and am now officially freaked. And scared of clowns like I never was before. Thanks, buddy!

     
    at 3:14 AM Blogger Mallory said...

    Little b, what did I tell you?! Clowns are terrifying. And we can blame Adam for that story, I'll bill him for any therapy you need.

     

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