Monday, January 31, 2005
The Links That Link Us All. Or Not, I'm Just..Never Mind
Oh. For these Russian victims of, like, acts of terror. Most of the people had no idea who I was because they were all into this thing about helping Russian children. But I was so glad I went. That's my favorite jacket ever. It's so horribly '80s, but it's vintage YSL. It cost me nothing.
All brilliant sentences bow before that one. Eat your heart out, Joyce! Are you jealous, Shakespeare? That's, like, poetry. "Russian victims of, like, acts of terror".
Poor Kate Moss. The model apparently broke down
in the Pembridge pub before Christmas crying
that she hates her life and her job, hates what
being a model has done to her, and how she can't
trust anyone any more.
Oh, Kate! I long for the days of her and Johnny Depp.
Mallory at 1/31/2005 02:12:00 PM
Friday, January 28, 2005
Sweet Dreams Are Made Of...Uh, Never Mind
I had the most bizarre dream that I went to college with Marcus Schenkenberg, despite the fact that he's, like, 35. I believe we were watching American Idol (and laughing at Leroy the Jailbird, no doubt) and drinking what seemed to be vodka tonics, and he invited me up to his dorm room one night, winkwink. I said no, and he was really upset which makes me rather pleased, as even dream me knows better than to go home with someone who is dating Chyna. I think that the standards of one's subconscious truly say a lot about them and when your subconscious turns down a male supermodel, that's pretty awesome.
But really, like Marcus or not, why in the hell is he dating Chyna? She has...um...a penis. (Read about it here). That's not even taking into account her myriad issues and completely volatile nature and the fact that she did things with a Thighmaster on The Surreal Life that would have made Suzanne Somers cry-really, the penis trumps all. And I know he's a male model and that they aren't exactly known for their smarts and I remember the rumors about him, Pam Anderson and, er, a strap-on, so I shouldn't be too surprised, but still!
And with that, I've skeeved myself out. Sorry.
Other than that bizarre dream, nothing of importance has happened in the last couple of days, save for me drinking two cases of Diet Coke with Lime, which I'm sure isn't healthy, but whatevah!
Oh, wait, that's not true! M-K and Ash Olsen officially took total control of their company. Woooo! I can only hope that this means an expanded lip gloss line...
"We are very thankful that we are able to enjoy our college experience, run a business, and live our lives," said Mary-Kate.
Awww! I'm barely able to live my life, let alone enjoy college and run a business. I tip my hat to you, girls.
And also, Robert DeNiro is working overtime to make sure that we forget about his roles in The Godfather,Taxi Driver and Raging Bull. That's the only logical explanation for costarring with Dakota Fanning, right? Right?
I've been watching the new spring/summer lines from Paris and I have totally fallen in love with Valentino's. Narciso Rodriguez's is also great, but I'm not thrilled with Chanel's at all. Sigh.
But my favorite gown, hands down, courtesy of Valentino:
So pretty! Not versatile, but stunning all the same.
Mallory at 1/28/2005 03:29:00 PM
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Oscar Nominations
The Academy Award Nominations were announced today and were, for the most part, rather boring. I think the year in general was a poor one as far as movies are concerned.
Some quick notes:
Besides the whole "acting" part of the Oscars, everybody knows that fashion is most important, which is why I need to say...
In completely unrelated and, yes, uninteresting news, Kanye West and Michael Vick were in my dream last night. I believe Sephora was involved...
Speaking of Sephora, my love for Benefit is becoming alarming. I'm planning on writing to my representative to see if she could possibly make a bill allowing me to marry a makeup brand. Because I think I love Benefit even more than I do caramel macchiatos and that, my friends, is major.
Mallory at 1/26/2005 12:43:00 AM
Monday, January 24, 2005
Notes
Mallory at 1/24/2005 01:05:00 AM
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Inauguration Hateration
As all of you know, today is the Presidential Inauguration and the festivities began with some ball yeterday celebrating Texas or something inane like that. Nothing against Texas, I'm just saying. Because in a time of war and an enormous national disaster, what do we need more than tacky parties?
And Washington D.C. is paying for it all, instead of, like, using the money for national security. Who needs safety when there are chicken fingers to be had and patriotic confetti to throw?
Nothing could be cooler than The America's Future Rocks Today concert, where such luminaries as Stephen Baldwin and Nancy O'Dell watched JoJo and Hilary Duff "sing" their "hit" songs. I don't know about you, but I'm totally jealous that I couldn't hang out with the born-again Baldwin brother and listen to a six-year-old sing about how her man done her wrong.
And the guy from Fuel cursed. First of all...Fuel? They're still, like, real? Second of all...no, really, are they?
And to add insult to injury, the Bush family makes things even worse by not knowing how to dress. I oughtn't be surprised, but I love the twins so and always want them to dress splendidly. Alas, it was just not meant to be....
At the Black Tie and Boots Ball, Jenna looks fab and Barbara bought her gown from Deb. I thought Babs (yes, we're on a nickname basis) was supposedly a fashionista? I assumed she'd know better than to choose something so boring and ill-fitting. Jenna looks great, though, I love her hair and dress.
As far as Laura's dress goes, I don't even know what to say. Well, what to say besides what the fuck is that? All of the dresses on Dynasty are better than that. Carolina Herrera, you let me down!
During the inauguration, Barbara's jacket is awesome and Jenna's looks like something my grandmother would wear. The back of Barbara's is gorgeous, very retro and glam. Jenna's is an improvement over that tracksuit thing she wore at the RNC, but still, stop cribbing fashion tips from Bea Arthur, Jen! Their mother seems to have turned Mormon or something.
I hope that Jenna and Barbara wear something smashing tonight, because if I have to pay attention to the coverage of this shit, it better at least be aided by pictures of pretty dresses.
Mallory at 1/20/2005 06:02:00 PM
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Golden Globes Talk
Okay, I am not even going to pretend to be a rational observer of the Golden Globes, because that would assume that I'm a rational person in the first place and, just, no.
Medical Examiner: There are four different DNA samples from your victim.
Benson: (Squints; pauses) She was gang-raped
Sigh.
The Best Dressed
1. Mischa Barton
I know a lot of people despise her, but I love her, I think she's gorgeous and I think she looked stunning. So, so pretty. I wish she were a model instead of an actress.
2. Charlize Theron
Not so much the hair, but the dress was gorgeous.
3. Uma Thurman
4. Nicole Kidman
Way better than she's looked in a long time.
5. Kerry Washington
Mallory at 1/18/2005 11:39:00 AM
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Did I Just Hallucinate?
Did I hallucinate, or did this article really make the claim that Nicolas Cage, modern day James Caan and Tom Selleck are heartthrobs?
Godfather era James Caan, sure. But NICOLAS CAGE? I know that some people agree with this, but ew. He's so icky.
The word heartthrob has officially been bastardized beyond all comprehension.
And did I hallucinate or did the Jets/Steelers game really go into overtime? The Jets. The Jets played, like, high school teams all year.
Also suspicious is the fact that I haven't heard of Herm going on any rampages after the loss. The man may be the nicest person in the Western World, but damn if he doesn't look like he's going to go shouty crackers
Today is such a great football day, if only because the Patriots are playing the Colts and it's always fun to watch Peyton "Slow Pete" Manning make an ass out of himself. And the Vikings/Eagles game should be fun, too. Yay football!
Mallory at 1/16/2005 10:59:00 AM
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Pop Quiz!
The following is a picture of:
a)Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Dirt McGirt/Big Baby Jesus/et. al)
b)Malcolm Jamal Warner
c)D'Angelo
d)Some guy
While at first I wanted to believe that it was ODB, back from the dead, the sad truth of the matter is that the picture is D'Angelo's latest mugshot.
This is why cocaine is bad, kids, because it makes you bloat like...like that.
Hot damn, y'all. Hot damn.
(Thank you for the picture, Salome! Well, "thank you")
The best thing about Law & Order tonight will be:
a)The gripping, ripped from the headline case
b)Jack McCoy's stirring, passionate opening/closing argument(s)
c)Watching the faces of the people on the jury, especially those in the back who aren't always paying attention
d)The departure of part time ADA/full time zombie Serena Southerlyn.
While a, b, and c are all great, we have a reason to celebrate tonight. Elisabeth Rohm's last episode! Praise be to [insert deity of your choice here], the worst actress ever is finally gone. Really, she made Angie Harmon look like Cate Blanchett.
Mallory at 1/12/2005 06:35:00 PM
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
In Bad Taste
Yesterday, I was told that I have bad taste.
And I was informed of this by no less of a cultural authority than my fifteen-year-old brother who, I should mention, was listening to some ghastly Tupac/Biggie/Eminem/Lil' Flip remix at the time.
(Well, perhaps Lil' Flip wasn't actually on it, but the point remains)
My first instinct was to say, "Ugh, shut UP!"
And my second was to wonder-bad taste in what, exactly? It's certainly not clothes. Movies? I have stellar taste in movies. Sports teams? The Yankees may have choked this year, but whatever, they can afford to just once and, of course, the Patriots are awesome. Books? I like pop culturey books as well as great literature. Impeccable!
Magazines? Music? Television? My fondness for M-K and Ash lip gloss?
Ohhhh....that's what he meant.
When it comes to magazines, I'm not really picky. I mean, I make fun of certain magazines--Jane, In Touch, Us--but I still read them religiously. Certain magazines are perfect for reading at the gym because you don't need to use a lot of brain cells to get the gist of them. Like Pam Anderson's Jane column, you can read every other paragraph while running a mile and understand everything perfectly. Other magazines--ESPN and the more recent years of Entertainment Weekly--seem slightly more respectable on the outside, but still aren't very good. Still more are good and I'm not embarrassed to be seen reading them--Vanity Fair, Elle, Vogue. Others are foreign and I don't quite understand all of them but they make me feel smart--Vogue from Italy and Paris, in particular. And still others aren't really magazines, but just giant monthly picture books (W). So it's not like I'm reading Highlights or anything.
Television. Hmm. Well, okay, he's got me there. I have discussed my love of Law & Order repeatedly and I like shows like Six Feet Under and similar respectable shows. And I maintain that America's Next Top Model is seriously brilliant. But I should admit that I watch shows like The Surreal Life sometimes and, um, fine, okay, I've watched Zoey 101 and Unfabulous and Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and yes, I'm 21. Okay? I admit it. There, he got me.
And my taste in music isn't bad, I just mix good music (Mos Def, Kanye West, Talib Kweli) with, um, poppy stuff (the entire catalogue of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, etc.) Okay, lots of poppy stuff. Whatever.
I suppose what I'm saying is, in a roundabout way, that my taste is just fine. We should reserve the term "bad taste" for people who wearing Louis Vuitton headbands and watch movies like A Walk To Remember and cry, unironically, root for teams like the Dolphins and voted for George Bush.
And this will be the last time that I ever spend time thinking about anything my brother says because he actually used "boughten" in a sentence. I know, right?
Mallory at 1/11/2005 10:36:00 AM
Friday, January 07, 2005
Who, Who, Who's Got A Crush On You?
So by now I'm sure we've all heard the news that Jude Law is marrying Sienna Miller.
You might remember that I have a terrible crush on Jude Law that dates way back to his Broadway appearance in Indiscretions back in the day. You might wonder how I reacted to the news and I say-just fine. I actually rather like Sienna and I think they're a cute couple. You might also wonder why I'm proud of this, as it's normal behavior for a functioning adult, but that's besides the point.
This has, naturally, given me a reason to look back at my celebrity crushes. I pride myself on having good taste and, for most of the celebrities I have fallen in love with in that peculiar way only young girls can are rather indicative of my good taste. I mean, I was never one to like the boy banders and I was the only girl who didn't have pictures of Devon Sawa and JTT in her locker. If that's not good taste, I don't know what is. Others...okay, whatever, let's remember that I was a kid for some of these, all right?
Who: Bruce Springsteen
Why: My mother loves Bruce Springsteen and, along with most of America in the mid 80s, listened to him nonstop. Being a little kid in a house where Bruce was played constantly sort of sets one up for falling in love with him. Or as in love with someone as a four year old can be.
What I Did: When my parents listened to anything other than Bruce, I had tantrums. I was also fond of setting up his albums on my dresser.
Why It Ended: Sadly, a relative saw it fit to inform me that Mr. Springsteen was far older than both of my parents and had been married.
Let me preface this by saying: I WAS IN KINDERGARTEN, OKAY?
Ahem.
Who: John Stamos. Uncle Jesse. I know, okay, it was pathetic. BUT I WAS FIVE.
Why: God only knows. But he was so nice on Full House and he was a singer, too! Multi-talented! And he knew the Beach Boys!
What I Did: Repeated viewings of Full House, naturally. And having severe tantrums when Full House wasn't on. (Fun fact: I once nearly had a nervous breakdown visiting my grandparents in Boston because they didn't know what channel Full House was on). Um, repeated viewings of the video for "Kokomo", where he played the drums. Also, stealing an issue of the TV Guide that he was on the cover of and keeping it in my room.
Why It Ended: Thankfully, I realized that the combination of a mullet and an emasculated character who lived in a room covered with pink bunnies was just wrong.
Who: Tim Daly.
Why: Because I watched a lot of episodes of Wings when I had the chicken pox.
What I Did: It was a brief crush, but I do remember playing games with my friends in which we were, I believe, politicians and I used Daly as my last name.
Why It Ended: Because it's Tim Daly! He's boring! He couldn't hold my attention for that long, come on.
Who: Gregory Peck.
Why: Because he was terribly handsome and the star of two of my very favorite movies ever-Roman Holiday and To Kill A Mockingbird.
What I Did: Declaring, in all seriousness, that my first son will be named Gregory (this has not yet changed). Contemplating naming a pet (which I did not have) Atticus.
Why It Ended: Crushes on Gregory Peck never really end, but my obsession waned when I realized that he was way, way older than I.
Who: James Caan.
Why: Because I really liked the character of Sonny in The Godfather.
What I Did: Cried each time when Sonny died in The Godfather.
Why It Ended: Because it wasn't a very good crush to begin with. And also, because I learned that he was starring in Misery and was decidedly icky. Not that he had ever been handsome, but whatever!
Who: Christian Bale.
Why: Because he was just amazingly lovely in Little Women.
What I Did: Cooed "Christian Bale is so cuuute!" quite often. Despised Winona Ryder, because she played Jo and turned him down and made him marry stupid Amy. Tried to figure out how to move to Europe and ask him to marry me, despite my being 10 years old.
Why It Ended: I spent money far too much and had problems saving enough to pay for my fare to Europe since my parents cruelly refused to lend me money to go marry the man who played Laurie.
Who: Tom Cruise.
Why: Because Tom Cruise in the late 80s and early 90s was HOT, okay? Don't try to deny it.
What I Did: Through repeated viewings of Tom Cruise movies. This includes paying to see Mission Impossible multiple times in the theater. I'm sorry, that's why the movie was such a success. I even rented Far and Away numerous times. Far and Away, you guys. I began to profoundly dislike Nicole Kidman. I also spent loads of time looking through magazines for pictures, which I then taped to the back of my door.
Why It Ended: I learned about the whole Scientology thing and was creeped out. But even more important, I learned that I was already taller than him when I was in seventh grade and I am nothing if not picky when it comes to height, even when-nay, especially when dealing with imaginary boyfriends.
Who: Derek Jeter.
Why: It was his rookie year. He was an awesome player and terribly cute.
What I Did: If I could take you back to my bedroom in 1996, you'd see that the photos of Tom Cruise that I had taped to my door had been replaced by magazine clippings and newspaper pictures of Derek Jeter (which I still have, in a manilla envelope somewhere in my closet). I also had a number of posters, plaques, jerseys and Beanie Baby bears. Trips to Yankee Stadium were made. One night, on vacation to Seaside Heights with my best friend, I spent a sickening amount of my money playing a game on the boardwalk trying to win a picture of him. The boy working the counter took pity on me and eventually gave it to me so that I could go on with my life.
Why It Ended: Two words-Mariah Carey. Okay, and two more-bad hair. Wait, and another two-Cosby sweaters. Honestly, his sister (um, Sharlee) never felt it necessary to perform a fashion intervention? Cosby sweaters in 2004! I ask you!
(I should probably admit that the crush isn't totally over. But that's besides the point)
Who: Ewan McGregor.
Why: Because he's cute. And he has a great accent.
What I Did: I went to see The Phantom Menace. In the theater. And I HATE movies like that. I had never seen a Star Wars film before that and yet, there I was. I also convinced myself that it wasn't a bad movie.
Why It Ended: I read all sorts of articles about what a devoted family man he is, and I realized I couldn't break up a marriage.
After that, my celebrity crushes have remained constant--Mos Def, Tom Brady and Jon Stewart. Which is, um, good, I suppose. Right?
So that's that, an embarrassing history of the celebrities who have captivated me. And please, y'all, don't make fun of me because I know some of you--and I won't name names at this point in time--lurved Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Mark Paul Gosselaer, Justin Timberlake and the guys in Color Me Badd. Yeah, that's right, I said it. Don't make me do an expose.
Mallory at 1/07/2005 12:22:00 PM
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
These Are Their Stories...
Okay, my addiction to Law & Order has got to end. I would be embarrassed to add up the number of episodes I've watched over the course of the past few days, so I'm not going to, but suffice it to say...it's sad.
It's really amazing to see how certain characters changed and certain characters remained the same over the years that the shows have been on. Or perhaps amazing is overdoing it a bit. Anyway, in the old episodes, Jack McCoy was just awesome. Principled and willing to fight for what he believed in. But now, he's rather sanctimonious and irritating. Though his compadres in the DA's office--Fred Thompson and Elisabeth Rohm (could Serena Southerlyn possibly be a dumber name?)--might be coloring my perception of him by tainting him with their awfulness. Really, Thompson is just bad. Rohm seems like some sort of mentally challenged zombie and I'd suspect that all she does is read cue cards, but I highly doubt that she knows how to read.
And it's so sad to watch Lenny Briscoe, because I miss Jerry Orbach. Sniff. The episodes with him and Mike Logan are just classic and I could (and do) watch them over and over.
The ADA on SVU is only marginally better than Serena. Memo to the wardrobe department: please do something about Diane Neal's jacked up lipstick before the next episode, okay? It's all I can think about whenever she's onscreen.
Also sad is the end of regular season football. Sniff. But! That means that it's time for the postseason and my love of postseason sports knows no bounds. In a completely, utterly scary way. One of my (many?) faults is hyper competitiveness and it quite often manifests itself in sporting events, which is rather unfortunate, as I have no direct effect upon the outcome of these games. But at any rate, wooo football!
I'd be remiss in letting the season end without giving Eli Manning props for his performance on Sunday.
Oh wait, I totally wouldn't, because he doesn't deserve any props because he sucks. The phrase "totally fucking overrated" comes to mind. Really. I know the media is all about building up the next big thing and the next big thing might fall through, but damn. Watching Eli Manning play football sometimes actually hurt me because I was so embarrassed for him.
And he told the press:
"We have to figure out a way to start winning games".
NO SHIT, STUPID, YOU'RE THE QUARTERBACK, SHOULDN'T YOU BE, I DON'T KNOW, FIGURING THAT OUT?
Sorry. See? I told you I get overly passionate about sports.
Mallory at 1/04/2005 08:02:00 PM