Friday, December 30, 2005
2005 In Review: Part III
My knowledge of the music industry is, shall we say, not so much with the existing. I listened to precisely four albums all year (Madonna, Common, Legend, Kanye, whose Cosby sweater clad babies I am still willing to bear) and while I could go on, at length, about the merits of Ashlee Simpson's new singles, I can't help but feel that all of you deserve so much more, which is why I enlisted the help of the most musically knowledgeable person ever, Jeff, who graciously accepted my invitation to act as a guest. Without further adieu, here is his brilliant look back at the year that was.
After the warm glow of the Media Gadfly's invitation to guest-write a synopsis of 2005: The Year in Music slowly faded, I was left with the realization that I might be in big trouble. While my dear patron artfully skewers all facets of media - Sports! Television! Fashion! Celebrity! - with equal élan, I'm largely ignorant of the world of music outside of my Stereogum-approved playlist of hipster chestnuts. (Seriously - the first time I heard the ubiquitous-for-most "The Thong Song" was when Saturday Night Live used it in a parody commercial.) After briefly paging through Entertainment Weekly's year end issue intense research on the subject proved fruitless, I decided to follow a long, hallowed tradition of music journalism and simply faked it. Let us now remember the year that was in music:
As much as it pains me to say it, the title goes to Kanye West. My sturdy Midwestern upbringing makes it hard for me to embrace someone as "confident" as Mr. West, but it's hard not to throw mad props at someone who is a major success despite bringing social consciousness and spirituality to pop music, all the while fearlessly championing Glee Club sweaters as a fashion statement:
While Late Registration suffered a whiff of critical backlash - even its ardent supporters don't claim it's on a par with The College Dropout - it's impossible to deny that "Gold Digger" was the catchiest single of the year and the album still managed to earn five Grammy nominations. West also produced well-received albums for Common and comeback kid, Mariah Carey, and his 2005 work for John Legend resulted in eight Grammy noms for his protégé's debut, Get Lifted. Just in case he was still feeling unappreciated, a Time Magazine cover story called West "the smartest man in pop music".
But these musical accomplishments only told part of the story of West's 2005. His gift for outspokenness sometimes opened needed dialogue on matters of race and homophobia. Most importantly, though, he provided a clear etiquette guide for urban slang, thus finally emboldening me to use phrases such as "mad props" in daily life.
In the interest of equal time, it's important to point out that West also encouraged Jamie Foxx's singing career, collaborated with Maroon 5 douchebag, Adam Levine, and used his appearance at Live 8 to espouse some scientifically questionable views on the origin of the AIDS virus. And really, the sweaters? Awful
I probably would have picked Kate Bush for the honor, but my wife failed to respond to a month's worth of anvilicious hints about wanting Aerial, Kate's first album in 12 years, for Christmas, so I can't definitively say it doesn't suck. I guess I'll go with Mariah Carey instead since The Emancipation of Mimi ended a long string of overly precious My Little Pony album titles (Daydream, Butterfly, CHARMBRACELET!) and became a monster hit. Terrence Howard's acting prowess ensured he'd eventually shake off the Glitter taint, but in Mariah's case, it was uncertain whether her talent or bat-shit insanity would win out in the end. Happily, the two reached a peaceful détente, allowing the Cotton Candy Queen to reascend her Rainbow Throne on a golden unicorn to choirs of sparkly, melismatic seraphim. The world is a shinier place for it.
Worst Single of the Year:
Is the insipid earwurm, "My Humps", or D4L's insidiously evil "Laffy Taffy" my pick for WORST of the year? Well, kind of, but I'll not open myself up to accusations of hater-dom for slagging songs that many consider harmless fun, and instead choose one that everyone can revile equally - Crazy Frog's cover of "Axel F". At its peak, this unholy melding of an annoying internet meme, the dated synth theme from Beverly Hills Cop, and mobile ringtone technology outsold Coldplay's "Speed of Sound" single four to one in the UK and reached the top of the charts in 12 countries. (Mercifully, it only reached as high as #50 in the United States. U.S.A! U.S.A!) While Americans largely failed to succumb to this novelty musical mania, I personally was forced to sit through three consecutive (and manslaughter-inspiring) plays of this abomination on the digital jukebox of a local watering hole. Even this limited exposure was enough for me to name it my most hated song of the Ought-Five.
A link to the video for the curious and/or those with masochistic tendencies.
Which version of Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine is superior - the shelved (but leaked) Jon Brion version (as favored by Pitchfork), or the official Mike Elizondo-produced release (championed by David Browne of EW.) Debating the merits of whether she is best served by a spare backing arrangement or more baroque, Weill-esque instrumentation distracts from the important task at hand - making popcorn in anticipation of Fiona's televised breakdown at a major 2006 awards ceremony. It's been 6 long years since her last album, and Papa needs a healthy dose of the crazy from my favorite emotionally fragile diva.
If there was one artificial grouping of musicians that made music geeks feel even more self-satisfied in 2005, it was Freak Folk. The genre had everything a hipster could possibly desire:
My prediction is that the scene will tire of the harps, glockenspiels and acid-drenched marching band music, and instead embrace a more traditional version of the New Folk in the coming year. We already have the highly anticipated new album by Cat Power - Chan Marshall is this generation's very own Oxycontin-addled Joni Mitchell - leading the charge in early 2006.
I'm addicted to year-end lists mostly because I'm lazy and they save me the trouble of formulating my own thoughts about what I liked over the past 12 months. After careful perusal of Metacritic's convenient compendium Best of 2005 lists, I've decided that the good folks at PopMatters came closest to my sensibilities. It thankfully avoids one of my pet peeves about the year-end list - critics who feel the need to exclude an album over which they've soiled themselves all year in favor of a last-minute entry designed to solidify their credibility. Why, for example, include the great Wolf Parade album you earlier rated at 4.5 out of 5 ironic t-shirts on your blog when instead you can be cooler than the other kids by ranking an obscure Finnish death-prog/French musique concrète collagist/Brazilian irono-rap release in your Top Ten? PM's list didn't try to be controversial or groundbreaking - it simply gathered together an armful of albums that rarely left our players all year. Other thoughts:
And so ends my 2005 Retrospective, and what a wonderful note to end on! I hope you all have a fantastic New Year's Eve and a Happy New Year! Avoid Ryan Seacrest at all costs! See you in 2006!*
*My father once told me he'd see me next year on New Year's Eve and I cried and cried. I was a sensitive and somewhat dim child.
Mallory at 12/30/2005 04:54:00 PM
Thursday, December 29, 2005
More From The Year That Was
More end of the year fun! I mean, of course I am using the term "fun" loosely, but stretching definitions was a big thing in 2005, like how Colin Farrell is described as a heartthrob and Teri Hatcher is deemed "hilarious".
1. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
They were just--they were just. They just were. I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news that they were a couple, and it took us a long time to collectively realize that it wasn't 11:30 on a Saturday night, so it couldn't be a bizarro SNL skit...so it had to be real. Tom Cruise and Joey Potter. It was--it still makes no sense! They are the reason my heart doesn't beat properly anymore, because their couplehood made me go all out of whack: Tom "Risky Business-Color of Money-Top Gun-Born on the Fourth Of July-I Don't Like to Talk About Far and Away-Jerry Maguire-I Played a Fucking Sleazeball in Magnolia, Bitches-MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!" Cruise and Katie "...I had to kiss James Van Der Beek" Holmes. Midgety Tom Cruise and Statuesque Katie Holmes. Homosexual Tom and (Presumably) Heterosexual Katie.
So THAT was weird enough. But then he went all laughy crackers, culminating most noticeably on the Oprah set where he jumped on couches and generally acted a fool. And then! AND THEN! THEY GOT ENGAGED! THAT IS FUCKING WEIRD. But they were not content to just be engaged and weird and Scientologisty or whatever, they had to BE EVEN FREAKIER AND HAVE A BABY. That is so not right. It doesn't even make sense!
But since I spent approximately 86.3% of 2005 pondering this unlikely couple, I suppose it is only fair to name them couple of the year. And that makes Tom Cruise laugh all the way to the...well, he's laughing, at any rate.
2. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I cannot stand either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but since the world had their collective panties in a twist over this coupling, I felt it fair to give them their props. Brad Pitt is so grossly overrated and always has been, and I have always said that and people always say, "You're just saying that now, everybody liked him back in the day when Legends of the Fall came out!" and I can firmly say that I did not and restraining orders filed against my 10-year-old self by Christian Bale will back me up there. And I just really, really dislike Angelina Jolie, completely irrationally. It's like, if someone posts something nice about Angelina, Curt Schilling, Jessica Simpson or the color orange (Damn you, bastard child of red and yellow!!!11!), I have to counteract that with blatant hateration on a severe level as part of my civic duty or else a part of my soul will die. It's awful and unhealthy, but I can hardly even control it now. Angelina herself could knock on my door and give me $1000 cash and I'd slam the door in her face and scream out barely intelligible sentences. "Faux badass!" "You think you're so cool for playing yourself in all your movies!" "Billy Bob!!!!!1111!!!"
But this is about their being a couple, not my myriad psychological issues. I guess their appeal is that they are both pretty? Eh. Since they both can't act and one is dull as dirt while the other is condescending, I guess I can give them that.
What I find most interesting is that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston (JA) for Angelina Jolie (AJ). Intriguing, no? Perhaps Jennifer Aniston will retaliate by taking up with a PB...Pierce Brosnan, perhaps? Peter Boyle? Punky Brewster?!
3. Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams
Um, not that I would ever willingly admit to watching the MTV Movie Awards, but if you saw them, then you know exactly what I am referring to when I say SWOON.
4. Jude Law and Sean Penn
Was there anything more "...the hell?" at this year's Oscars than Sean Penn taking the time before he announced the nominees to stand up for Jude Law, who was mocked by Chris Rock earlier in the show? No, there was not. That was pretty much weird. Somewhat endearing, but mostly creepy.
5. Mariah Carey and Herself
It was a comeback year for Mariah and the only person who enjoyed it more than Mariah's fans was Mariah. Nobody loves Mariah like Mariah loves Mariah. Whether she was enjoying a drink held up by somebody else, requesting lunch rooms at Best Buy be painted pink and using more wind machines than I knew existed, Mariah treats Mariah real well.
1. Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
2. Selling Innocence
3. Human Trafficking
4. Mom At Sixteen (Narrowly winning over Too Young to Be a Dad)
5. Hush (It starred Tori Spelling, how could it be wrong?)
1. Nik Pace
2. Austin Scarlett
1. Rebecca Fainting At Panel
2. In depth discussion of birds between winner Nicole and Kyle
Kyle: Maybe he's blind. 'Cause all he does is run into stuff.
Nicole: All birds are blind, though.
Kyle: You sure?
Nicole: That's why a lot of birds, like, almost run into your car. Like, run into your house, and almost run into your car.
Kyle: Really?
Nicole: Yeah, 'cause they can't see, but they can sense where they are. Like, with their hearing and stuff. Like, they can sense how close they are to things. That's what I heard.
Kyle: I know my bird can see.
Nicole: Maybe if it's just if the bird is outside and stuff...
Kyle: Maybe... I don't know...
3. I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this! When my mother yells like this it's because she loves me! I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you?!
4.
Lisa: You are basically presenting yourself like a moron.
Coryn: And what are YOU doing, alcoholic bitch?
5. The Nicole/Nik final two was pretty much the best thing ever and nearly erased the pain of freaking Naima winning Cycle 4. Curse you, Naima!
A final installment by the end of the year! Woooo!
Mallory at 12/29/2005 11:50:00 AM
Monday, December 26, 2005
2005: A Look Back
It seems like I was just writing the long, detailed and descriptive "2004 Year In Review", doesn't it? Time flies when you're having...well, time flies.
2005 was a most interesting year indeed. It started off with a bang, causing us to all lose our hearing when Jennifer Lopez and a rotten corpse did a duet at the Grammy Awards and ends with Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids despite never having gone on the record as a couple. Good times.
This week, I (and perhaps some special guests) will be discussing the Best of 2005. We'll start with the juiciest stuff first.
1. Kanye West v. George W. Bush
Not content to just sit and silently mourn the loss of New Orleans, Kanye hit GWB with some knowledge, simply saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people". Laura Bush and others were enraged and people questioned the choice to "play the race card", which is odd because...did people really think George Bush is pro-minority? Seriously? Whatever. I think it took balls to say that on live television, and Mike Meyers expression of pure horror and confusion made it even sweeter (their subsequent SNL Skit was perfection). Good on you, Kanye!
2. Brooke Shields v. The Tiniest Scientologist
Brooke Shields talked about postpartum depression; psychological expert Tom Cruise thinks she'd have been better off taking Flinstone vitamins. To make his point, he repeatedly slandered Brooke in the press for being foolish. Brooke, realizing that he is a fucking freak, did not let him walk all over her in his high heeled shoes, writing an eloquent rebuttal in the New York Times. She later snarked on the age difference between him and Katie and his taste in movie roles. Advantage: Brooke. It's enough to make me forgive her for Suddenly Susan, fo sho.
3. Russell Crowe v. Concierge
Solidifying his grasp on the "Biggest Asshole In Hollywood" trophy, winning by a large margin, Russell Crowe ripped a page out of Naomi's book and threw a phone at a hotel concierge when he could not call his wife. Was it an actual feud? No, it was more of a one sided beatdown, but the payoff--Russell completely being regarded as the tool he is--is the epitome of golden.
4. Paris Hilton v. Nicole Richie
Is it a good feud? No. Do I give points to Nicole for allegedly showing a party full of people the infamous Paris sex tape? Yes. Is Nicole better dressed than Paris? Yes. Do I need to have this on the list because it is the feud that dominated every cheesy, glossy weekly magazine? It seems that I have to. I am totally on Team Richie all the way.
5. Pat O'Brien v. Dignity
Being Pat O'Brien, dorky host of such shows as Access Hollywood and The Insider is bad enough, but he added to his sorry lot in life by being the victim of nasty voicemails being released all over the internet. When I say nasty, I mean, emphatically, "Too repulsive for any human being to have to hear". Don't believe me?
I am so fucking into you but Betsy’s so jealous, but let’s fuckin’ have sex and I wanna lick your pussy and suck your tits. But you have to be into Betsy, I told Betsy that you were into her. And, if you get this message, just look at me and say yes. But I wanna fuckin’ lick your pussy and make you come so much. And get crazy--I don’t know why I’m like this. But I want you badly and I know you want me, but you have to be into Betsy too. So when you get this message, if you agree with me, say yes.
WRONGEST THING EVER IN LIFE.
1. Kevin Federline Becoming a Celebrity
Proving that freeloading ain't just for women, Kevin Federline rode the gravy train (I just grossed myself out) to the cover of Details and multiple issues of People. I think it's sort of terrifying that a rodent looking man with cornrows and body odor that can be smelled through computer screens is given money and studio space to record an album, drives a ferrari and is a bona fide celebrity while I do not yet have an Emmy.
2. Johnny Damon's Rise to Fame and Move To The Yankees
I am like a broken record with this, but...Johnny Damon is ugly. Stupid. Prickish. Can't throw. And yet, here he is, on my team. There are nights when I wake up crying because the thought of his cro-magnon face and highlighted hair haunts my dreams.
3. Fred Durst's Sex Tape
Our higher power is a cruel higher power. It is wrong on every level that Fred Durst has a sex tape available for all to see and Rodrigo Santoro does not. Words were not yet invented to convey how utterly wrong this is.
4. Marguerite Perrin
I don't believe I need to go into detail.
5. Gauchos and Ponchos
No. No. NO. Nobody looks good in gauchos or ponchos. They even have ugly names. And yet girls insist on wearing them in an effort to be boho or whatever when all they are doing is assaulting everybody who has to see them. Ladies, I beg you: please please please burn these garments. Hide them when you see them in stores. Do it for the good of the human race.
More to come, including The Couples of the Year, The Reality TV Moments of the Year and Cute Boys! Woooo!
Mallory at 12/26/2005 04:00:00 PM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Um, Ew
I was Punk'd today! It was so fun! It's weird that they chose me, since I'm not famous and also sort of weird that they didn't do anything outlandish like arrest me for murder and really weird that Ashton Kutcher wasn't there, but still! Come to think of it, it wasn't being filmed and the entire episode consisted of me watching ESPN. Huh. But that's the only logical explanation for the strange rumors swirling that Johnny Damon is a Yankee now. I mean, just last May he said he'd never go to the Yankees!
'There's no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they are going to come after me hard...It's definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It's not what I need
And it's not like baseball players ever go back on their words.
Though, this is a more complicated prank than Ashton usually goes for, since it involved having ESPN, yahoo.com and the local papers in on the trick as...oh. Ohhh. I-Oh. I just got it. Huh. If you'll excuse me for just one minute, I am going to be in the corner having a psychotic break.
...
Okay, I am back. And livid. Seriously, this is just a dreadful idea in every sense of the word. Yes, Johnny Damon has a great OBP and is a good leadoff hitter (one of the best, A-Rod? Whatevs. At least mention your teammate and ex-hetero life partner Derek in that same sentence, douche!), but there are soooo many negatives. Should I list them? Hey, why not.
I know I am slightly hysterical, but I am so over this trend of players I loathe joining a team I love because I hold grudges for a very long time and seeing Damon in a Yankees uniform is just-no. It is so wrong. And I swear I will go on a rampage if I see people starting to wear Damon jerseys (or, heaven forbid, pink t-shirts!). I still get ulcers when I see Giambi jerseys, y'all.
On the plus side:
Michelle bristles at questions being asked about former Dawson's Creek costar and fellow mom (to be) Katie Holmes, saying that, "That's the million-dollar question...Everybody wants to ask it. I feel like I'm turning into a party trick. When I do reflect on [my time at the Creek], it's fondly...It's just not often."
BRILL!
Mallory at 12/21/2005 12:15:00 PM
Friday, December 16, 2005
Couch Potato
In the weeks since my last real post (Nothing centered around Full House counts as real, except real pathetic), I have not done anything exciting enough to merit neglecting my blog the way that I have, unless you think watching television counts as exceedingly glam which I suppose that it does, on some level. Some sad, bizarro level.
Can we discuss some television shows? Thanks. Now, extra long to make up for weeks in between posts and presented in the OCD Person's Favorite, Alphabetical Order:
I am pretty much recovered from the shock of the gorgeous Nik losing, if only because Nicole was my number two and she was pretty, photogenic, tall and young (in other words: a model). I still think Nik is my favorite contestant on any cycle, ever, so I am confident in hysterically saying "SHE WUZ ROBBED!!!" (Look at her portfolio for verification) Plus, now Nicole can do the "My Life As A Cover Girl" and put us all out of our Naima-induced misery (Aside: Naima? Seriously? Six months later, I still don't get it and probably never will). On the much discussed ElleGirl cover, Nicole looks...pregnant. I guess it's nice that world renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon (TM) has a niche in maternity chic.
The reunion special the other day? Seriously? I would have rather read People. How boring! It was basically an advert for Tyra's talk show and by the way, Tyra, it might be a good idea to practice using the teleprompter before the show. At the very least, it would eliminate awkward moments like:
Sarah: (Paraphrasing) I'm not a lesbian
Tyra: But you kissed Kim! (Reading the teleprompter) And another conflict on the show was between Lisa and Coryn!
Like, way to be organic, TyTy.
I still don't understand why we have no footage of who ate Bre's granola bars. It's the mystery of our time. My money is still on Jayla (who, seriously, is heinous. I love how she tried to gloss over the fact that she was repeatedly a horrid person to everyone in contact with her), just because she looks like a thief and also looks guilty whenever the subject is broached. Maybe they didn't want to show the clip because if Bre saw the real culprit, she would commit murder right onstage. How much do I love Bre, by the way? There is something about arrogant, condescending and unbalanced people that I just adore.
Apparently, Ebony and Kyle were on the show. Who would have known, judging by their combined 0.09 seconds of screentime. They were largely ignored in favor of replaying the same tired clips over and over and over. I am not going to discuss Ashley's fiance, because that would be wrong (did you see him, though? He was...he was.)
I have discussed the Food Network before but I am expericing a life crisis of sorts due to the fact that Sandra Lee was chosen to participate in the All Star Holiday Special. Sandra Lee. Unless it's an All Star special for talentless hags who wear too much makeup and not enough breast support. That's something she can work. But all star FOOD centered things? Just...no. Because of her Kwanzaa Cake alone, she should be disqualified from life. Am I taking this too seriously? After all, the show involves Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay and a random woman from HGTV, so it's not like the talent bar is particularly high, but still. Sandra Lee sucks. And I appreciate liquor as much as the next person, but doesn't she put a little too much in everything she makes? Maybe that's the only way her food can be stomached, if people are blitzed whilst eating.
Good Deals With Dave Lieberman has also caught my eye, partly because he is 25 and I have a well documented complex about people three years older and three years younger than me being successful, but mostly because the show is just like a porno. No, seriously. I know there's talk about the sensuality of food and Nigella blahblahblah, but when he chops vegetables or whisks things, there are close ups and straight up porn music comes on. It's entirely unsettling. Can moaning be far behind?
I have several questions about this show:
The third question is the only one I have an answer to, and that is because Silly Pipe Dreams keeps a fantastic log of the songs used, so you can go back and relive the awesome.
Patrick Dempsey truly is dreamy, though Isaiah Washington is no slouch in that department. And as awesome as Sandra Oh is, I can't help but feel that she steals the attention away from the glorious Chandra Wilson, who, seriously, is beyond amazing. Sandra is fab, but Dr. Bailey is just ridiculous. She reduces me to a hysterical fangirl which...no, okay, that's not hard to do, but still.
I haven't watched the original L&O since Briscoe left (I remain addicted to the repeats on TNT, which air roughly 22 hours a day), and I rely on the cheesy goodness of SVU to give me my fix. But-I don't particularly like it. CLC recently wrote about how profoundly irritating some of the characters are and it is so true.
SVU typically goes like this:
Olivia: (Is dramatic! Identifies with the victim! Has bad hair!)
Finn: (Makes a short remark about black culture)
Stabler: (Becomes enraged)
Munch: (Quip!)
Cragen: (Is stern!)
Huang: (Spouts textbook passages verbatim! Is a know-it-all!)
Casey: (Fucks up her case! Refuses to learn how to walk in heels! Has hair dramatically lighter every scene!)
Plot: (Twisty! Turny! Twist! Turn!
Ending: (Poignancy)
The formula is predictable. If they have "the perp" within the first twenty minutes, it is obvious that either this is not the real perp or that this particular case will dovetail into something even more sinister. Last week's episode had about 46 plot twists, as if the writers feel that a plot twist redeems a boring story. I blame M. Night Shyamalan for this.
I cannot describe the convoluted story coherently, but it centered around a girl raised by lesbians who stabbed a bigoted kid in the back, paralyzing him. It included three of my least favorite SVU elements:
Huang's Instant Diagnosis
Olivia: When you were being molested, how did it feel?
Little girl: It--
Huang: SHE'S LYING! She is suffering from psychological brainwashing administered by her grandparents!
Instant Turnaround
Grandmother: Zoe is evil and gay! Gays can't raise kids, my lawyer told me so. 94% of them are child molesters. !!!!!111!!1
Casey: Look at these books on my desk, they say different.
Grandmother: Oh no! We were wrong! Zoe, can we be friends?
Bad Hair
Luckily, the little girl's wreck of a wig was explained (the bigot cut her ponytail off), but that doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Let's just get this out of the way first: I am terrified of the freaking Carver. Terrified. It's because his/her mask is somewhat clowny. And also because of the whole cutting and raping people thing. Seriously, I have watched this show from the get go (is get go one word? Getgo? Should it be hyphenated? Get-go? I don't understand!) and now I don't know if I can watch the big reveal because the preview sent me into a tailspin. Ahhhhh! He's so creeeepy. And he has a myspace! And it's freaky! (although I love the fact that it lists his favorite show as According to Jim).
If I may be shallow for a moment: I really hope that Quentin Costa isn't the Carver, because I love Quentin a little. He's truly gross and repulsive and ridiculous, but it turns into fabulosity on some level, and it doesn't hurt that Bruno Campos is cute. There, I said it, I base 89.3% of life choices on looks. And I refuse to be ashamed.
Described as "the Prada of reality shows" by someone I don't know but whose quip is immortalized in a barrage of Bravo ads, the show is awesome. I held out for a while because I felt guilty cheating on ANTM until I gave in and watched an episode and-they are totally different (ANTM is like a drag queen, really campy and bizarre, and Project Runway is classy and together), so I no longer feel bad about watching it. Dare I say that this season is even better than the first? I suppose the absence of Wendy Pepper proves it.
Random Thoughts:
(Picture courtesy of Rich over at Four Four who is SERIOUSLY brill, y'all. Go read it now!)
For those of you who don't watch and those of you who do, Jeff's Television Without Pity recaps are fantastic because he really likes and appreciates the show, and manages to be funny about it all the same without being bitter, which is a yay indeed.
Mallory at 12/16/2005 02:01:00 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Full House...Of Horrors
I have this really annoying thing where I cannot watch commercials. I just can't do it, it makes me twitchy, and it also opens up the possibility of seeing that creepy Ronald McDonald commercial. You know the one I'm talking about, where he's dancing and his shoe flies off and hits the camera and he gets all up in the camera to fix it and Ohmigod it is one of the most disturbing things committed to film? Yeah, I don't like that commercial. So anyway, while I'm watching TV, I constantly flick to another channel and it seems like whenever I do that during the week, I wind up watching Full House.
Now. In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I was a huge fan of Full House for most of my childhood and distinctly remember having a full on nervous breakdown when they moved it from Friday nights to Tuesday nights, because I was convinced that my parents wouldn’t let me stay up on a school night to watch it (they did). But so was everybody my age, so it is unsurprising except...when you think about it, the show is both highly unrealistic and tremendously disturbing.
I am fully aware that I am putting too much thought into an old, cheesy television show and should use this effort to learn some useful skills, such as basic arithmetic, but still.
If you mention the name Kimmy Gibbler, people will wrinkle their noses in annoyance because she was one of the more annoying television characters in recent memory. She was dumb, boorish, dumb and a bad influence on DJ Tanner, her best friend. The last part is alleged and the centerpiece of an episode that rips off the Anne/Diana storyline from Anne of Green Gables. Don't believe me? The following is not for the faint of heart!
Anne will be italicized; Full House is bolded:
Anne and Diana want to be ladylike and proper, so they have tea
DJ and Kimmy want to be cool, so they watch MTV
Raspberry cordial is the height of sophistication, so Anne wants to serve it to Diana
Watching MTV is done best while relaxing, so Kimmy wants Danny's new big screen TV to be upstairs
Surprise! The raspberry cordial is really ALCOHOL!
OMG! Kimmy gets distracted and DROPS THE BIG SCREEN TV DOWN THE STAIRS
Diana is drunk!
The TV is broken!
Mrs. Barry claims that Anne got Diana drunk on purpose and is a BAD INFLUENCE. Diana is forbidden from associating with Anne
Danny Tanner concludes that Kimmy dropped the TV on purpose and is a BAD INFLUENCE. DJ is forbidden from associating with Kimmy (going as far as saying that it isn't important that they were best friends) (!!!)
Gasp! Minnie May Barry is sick with the croup and her parents aren't home!
Danny and Joey dress up as women to crash a sorority reunion and are arrested for attempted robbery and jailed; DJ has to bail them out of jail!
Anne rushes over to the Barry home and cures Minnie May!
Kimmy Gibbler rushes over to the Tanner house and babysits Michelle and Stephanie while DJ bails the transvestites out of jail!
Mrs. Barry realizes that her decision was rash and that Anne saved her daughter's life; all is forgiven
After seeing Kimmy playing patty-cake with Michelle, Danny realizes that she is good with kids; all is forgiven
Well, technically, all was forgiven for that one episode, because in any episode that Kimmy appears in, the adults on the show are needlessly rude to her. I am a mean person in general and am not saying that kids don't deserve being the recipients of bad attitudes, because that is not the case, but really, who are these people to be judging anyone? Jesse lives in the attic of his brother-in-law’s house and Joey is a creepy man child who lurks in the basement. Also! There was an episode where Jesse had a dream that he married Kimmy Gibbler. There aren't enough words in the world to describe how categorically NOT RIGHT it is for an adult to be dreaming about marrying his niece's school friend. Ew.
As if sporting a mullet weren't concerning enough, Jesse (Remember how his first last name was Cochran before he got all Greek pride up in here?) willingly slept in a room covered with pink bunnies. Then! When he and his wife moved out of the house, he got so despondent and suicidal over being separated from his family (for one night) that he and his wife moved into the Tanner family's house and lived in the attic. Even when they had children of their own, they lived in the attic. It was like a postmodern take on the works of V.C. Andrews. Jesse was supposed to be some musical superstar and when his song hit Number 1 in Japan, he had the opportunity to tour Asia but he turned it down because Michelle would miss him too much. Huh?
Seriously? The man lived in the basement of his best friend's house for over ten years, never had a real girlfriend and formed relationships with cartoon characters instead of actual people. That’s not normal.
Also, despite never having to pay rent or buy his own food, he was always broke. Why is this? I realize that makes him less of a creep and more of a freeloader, but it is certainly a negative trait.
People always harsh on Blossom for being 30 minute public service announcements, but Full House was just as bad. There was the time that Kimmy Gibbler got drunk at a frat house, the time DJ had an eating disorder that was cured in four minutes, the time that Danny stalked DJ and Steve to make sure they weren’t having sex, etc. There were also a number of episodes wherein characters got locked in places (gas stations, toystores and the like) which I am assuming were special episodes educating people about how to pass the time if they were trapped somewhere. I dunno.
I have officially wasted too much time thinking about this, but I can't help question the sanity of the world at large for watching this show and allowing it to pollute the airwaves for eight years. That's just wrong.
For those of you who watch ANTM, did you catch Nik's hott Luella bag?! I want. So badly. They are obscenely expensive and will probably be out of style in a year, but damn it, I would sell one of my brothers for one.
Also, and I am aware that it is an unpopular opinion, I am really creeped out by Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids. Isn't that moving just the tiniest bit quickly?
Mallory at 12/04/2005 12:19:00 PM