Thursday, December 29, 2005
More From The Year That Was
More end of the year fun! I mean, of course I am using the term "fun" loosely, but stretching definitions was a big thing in 2005, like how Colin Farrell is described as a heartthrob and Teri Hatcher is deemed "hilarious".
1. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
They were just--they were just. They just were. I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news that they were a couple, and it took us a long time to collectively realize that it wasn't 11:30 on a Saturday night, so it couldn't be a bizarro SNL skit...so it had to be real. Tom Cruise and Joey Potter. It was--it still makes no sense! They are the reason my heart doesn't beat properly anymore, because their couplehood made me go all out of whack: Tom "Risky Business-Color of Money-Top Gun-Born on the Fourth Of July-I Don't Like to Talk About Far and Away-Jerry Maguire-I Played a Fucking Sleazeball in Magnolia, Bitches-MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!" Cruise and Katie "...I had to kiss James Van Der Beek" Holmes. Midgety Tom Cruise and Statuesque Katie Holmes. Homosexual Tom and (Presumably) Heterosexual Katie.
So THAT was weird enough. But then he went all laughy crackers, culminating most noticeably on the Oprah set where he jumped on couches and generally acted a fool. And then! AND THEN! THEY GOT ENGAGED! THAT IS FUCKING WEIRD. But they were not content to just be engaged and weird and Scientologisty or whatever, they had to BE EVEN FREAKIER AND HAVE A BABY. That is so not right. It doesn't even make sense!
But since I spent approximately 86.3% of 2005 pondering this unlikely couple, I suppose it is only fair to name them couple of the year. And that makes Tom Cruise laugh all the way to the...well, he's laughing, at any rate.
2. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I cannot stand either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but since the world had their collective panties in a twist over this coupling, I felt it fair to give them their props. Brad Pitt is so grossly overrated and always has been, and I have always said that and people always say, "You're just saying that now, everybody liked him back in the day when Legends of the Fall came out!" and I can firmly say that I did not and restraining orders filed against my 10-year-old self by Christian Bale will back me up there. And I just really, really dislike Angelina Jolie, completely irrationally. It's like, if someone posts something nice about Angelina, Curt Schilling, Jessica Simpson or the color orange (Damn you, bastard child of red and yellow!!!11!), I have to counteract that with blatant hateration on a severe level as part of my civic duty or else a part of my soul will die. It's awful and unhealthy, but I can hardly even control it now. Angelina herself could knock on my door and give me $1000 cash and I'd slam the door in her face and scream out barely intelligible sentences. "Faux badass!" "You think you're so cool for playing yourself in all your movies!" "Billy Bob!!!!!1111!!!"
But this is about their being a couple, not my myriad psychological issues. I guess their appeal is that they are both pretty? Eh. Since they both can't act and one is dull as dirt while the other is condescending, I guess I can give them that.
What I find most interesting is that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston (JA) for Angelina Jolie (AJ). Intriguing, no? Perhaps Jennifer Aniston will retaliate by taking up with a PB...Pierce Brosnan, perhaps? Peter Boyle? Punky Brewster?!
3. Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams
Um, not that I would ever willingly admit to watching the MTV Movie Awards, but if you saw them, then you know exactly what I am referring to when I say SWOON.
4. Jude Law and Sean Penn
Was there anything more "...the hell?" at this year's Oscars than Sean Penn taking the time before he announced the nominees to stand up for Jude Law, who was mocked by Chris Rock earlier in the show? No, there was not. That was pretty much weird. Somewhat endearing, but mostly creepy.
5. Mariah Carey and Herself
It was a comeback year for Mariah and the only person who enjoyed it more than Mariah's fans was Mariah. Nobody loves Mariah like Mariah loves Mariah. Whether she was enjoying a drink held up by somebody else, requesting lunch rooms at Best Buy be painted pink and using more wind machines than I knew existed, Mariah treats Mariah real well.
1. Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
2. Selling Innocence
3. Human Trafficking
4. Mom At Sixteen (Narrowly winning over Too Young to Be a Dad)
5. Hush (It starred Tori Spelling, how could it be wrong?)
1. Nik Pace
2. Austin Scarlett
1. Rebecca Fainting At Panel
2. In depth discussion of birds between winner Nicole and Kyle
Kyle: Maybe he's blind. 'Cause all he does is run into stuff.
Nicole: All birds are blind, though.
Kyle: You sure?
Nicole: That's why a lot of birds, like, almost run into your car. Like, run into your house, and almost run into your car.
Kyle: Really?
Nicole: Yeah, 'cause they can't see, but they can sense where they are. Like, with their hearing and stuff. Like, they can sense how close they are to things. That's what I heard.
Kyle: I know my bird can see.
Nicole: Maybe if it's just if the bird is outside and stuff...
Kyle: Maybe... I don't know...
3. I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this! When my mother yells like this it's because she loves me! I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you?!
4.
Lisa: You are basically presenting yourself like a moron.
Coryn: And what are YOU doing, alcoholic bitch?
5. The Nicole/Nik final two was pretty much the best thing ever and nearly erased the pain of freaking Naima winning Cycle 4. Curse you, Naima!
A final installment by the end of the year! Woooo!
Mallory at 12/29/2005 11:50:00 AM