Monday, December 26, 2005
2005: A Look Back
It seems like I was just writing the long, detailed and descriptive "2004 Year In Review", doesn't it? Time flies when you're having...well, time flies.
2005 was a most interesting year indeed. It started off with a bang, causing us to all lose our hearing when Jennifer Lopez and a rotten corpse did a duet at the Grammy Awards and ends with Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids despite never having gone on the record as a couple. Good times.
This week, I (and perhaps some special guests) will be discussing the Best of 2005. We'll start with the juiciest stuff first.
1. Kanye West v. George W. Bush
Not content to just sit and silently mourn the loss of New Orleans, Kanye hit GWB with some knowledge, simply saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people". Laura Bush and others were enraged and people questioned the choice to "play the race card", which is odd because...did people really think George Bush is pro-minority? Seriously? Whatever. I think it took balls to say that on live television, and Mike Meyers expression of pure horror and confusion made it even sweeter (their subsequent SNL Skit was perfection). Good on you, Kanye!
2. Brooke Shields v. The Tiniest Scientologist
Brooke Shields talked about postpartum depression; psychological expert Tom Cruise thinks she'd have been better off taking Flinstone vitamins. To make his point, he repeatedly slandered Brooke in the press for being foolish. Brooke, realizing that he is a fucking freak, did not let him walk all over her in his high heeled shoes, writing an eloquent rebuttal in the New York Times. She later snarked on the age difference between him and Katie and his taste in movie roles. Advantage: Brooke. It's enough to make me forgive her for Suddenly Susan, fo sho.
3. Russell Crowe v. Concierge
Solidifying his grasp on the "Biggest Asshole In Hollywood" trophy, winning by a large margin, Russell Crowe ripped a page out of Naomi's book and threw a phone at a hotel concierge when he could not call his wife. Was it an actual feud? No, it was more of a one sided beatdown, but the payoff--Russell completely being regarded as the tool he is--is the epitome of golden.
4. Paris Hilton v. Nicole Richie
Is it a good feud? No. Do I give points to Nicole for allegedly showing a party full of people the infamous Paris sex tape? Yes. Is Nicole better dressed than Paris? Yes. Do I need to have this on the list because it is the feud that dominated every cheesy, glossy weekly magazine? It seems that I have to. I am totally on Team Richie all the way.
5. Pat O'Brien v. Dignity
Being Pat O'Brien, dorky host of such shows as Access Hollywood and The Insider is bad enough, but he added to his sorry lot in life by being the victim of nasty voicemails being released all over the internet. When I say nasty, I mean, emphatically, "Too repulsive for any human being to have to hear". Don't believe me?
I am so fucking into you but Betsy’s so jealous, but let’s fuckin’ have sex and I wanna lick your pussy and suck your tits. But you have to be into Betsy, I told Betsy that you were into her. And, if you get this message, just look at me and say yes. But I wanna fuckin’ lick your pussy and make you come so much. And get crazy--I don’t know why I’m like this. But I want you badly and I know you want me, but you have to be into Betsy too. So when you get this message, if you agree with me, say yes.
WRONGEST THING EVER IN LIFE.
1. Kevin Federline Becoming a Celebrity
Proving that freeloading ain't just for women, Kevin Federline rode the gravy train (I just grossed myself out) to the cover of Details and multiple issues of People. I think it's sort of terrifying that a rodent looking man with cornrows and body odor that can be smelled through computer screens is given money and studio space to record an album, drives a ferrari and is a bona fide celebrity while I do not yet have an Emmy.
2. Johnny Damon's Rise to Fame and Move To The Yankees
I am like a broken record with this, but...Johnny Damon is ugly. Stupid. Prickish. Can't throw. And yet, here he is, on my team. There are nights when I wake up crying because the thought of his cro-magnon face and highlighted hair haunts my dreams.
3. Fred Durst's Sex Tape
Our higher power is a cruel higher power. It is wrong on every level that Fred Durst has a sex tape available for all to see and Rodrigo Santoro does not. Words were not yet invented to convey how utterly wrong this is.
4. Marguerite Perrin
I don't believe I need to go into detail.
5. Gauchos and Ponchos
No. No. NO. Nobody looks good in gauchos or ponchos. They even have ugly names. And yet girls insist on wearing them in an effort to be boho or whatever when all they are doing is assaulting everybody who has to see them. Ladies, I beg you: please please please burn these garments. Hide them when you see them in stores. Do it for the good of the human race.
More to come, including The Couples of the Year, The Reality TV Moments of the Year and Cute Boys! Woooo!
Mallory at 12/26/2005 04:00:00 PM