Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Um, Ew

I was Punk'd today! It was so fun! It's weird that they chose me, since I'm not famous and also sort of weird that they didn't do anything outlandish like arrest me for murder and really weird that Ashton Kutcher wasn't there, but still! Come to think of it, it wasn't being filmed and the entire episode consisted of me watching ESPN. Huh. But that's the only logical explanation for the strange rumors swirling that Johnny Damon is a Yankee now. I mean, just last May he said he'd never go to the Yankees!


'There's no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they are going to come after me hard...It's definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It's not what I need


And it's not like baseball players ever go back on their words.


Though, this is a more complicated prank than Ashton usually goes for, since it involved having ESPN, yahoo.com and the local papers in on the trick as...oh. Ohhh. I-Oh. I just got it. Huh. If you'll excuse me for just one minute, I am going to be in the corner having a psychotic break.

...


Okay, I am back. And livid. Seriously, this is just a dreadful idea in every sense of the word. Yes, Johnny Damon has a great OBP and is a good leadoff hitter (one of the best, A-Rod? Whatevs. At least mention your teammate and ex-hetero life partner Derek in that same sentence, douche!), but there are soooo many negatives. Should I list them? Hey, why not.

  • Is ugly.
  • Throws so poorly that he needs to sprint into the infield and hand the cutoff man the ball
  • Unfamiliar with evolution on both a personal and intellectual level
  • Wife Michelle will no doubt become embroiled in a public feud with Anna Benson about who is the sexiest wife in New York, which, ew
  • Is a douche
  • More vain than even A-Rod is. Or at least I am assuming so, since I know for a fact that he has a personal hairstylist while A-Rod uses Sun-In, the working woman's product of choice

    I know I am slightly hysterical, but I am so over this trend of players I loathe joining a team I love because I hold grudges for a very long time and seeing Damon in a Yankees uniform is just-no. It is so wrong. And I swear I will go on a rampage if I see people starting to wear Damon jerseys (or, heaven forbid, pink t-shirts!). I still get ulcers when I see Giambi jerseys, y'all.
    ****

    On the plus side:

  • Project Runway tonight. And it looks like there is going to be a Santino/Nina Garcia throwdown. I can't wait! Maybe it will make Andrae cry.

  • The Carver reveal on nip/tuck (which I will not spoil for those who are unaware) wound up being satisfying. I no longer want to hit Matt with a fleet of buses, though I still reserve the right to kick him repeatedly.

  • It is time to remember the real reason for the season. Namely, Posh, Becks and Kylie's ass.


  • I luff Michelle Williams (Obv. the former Dawson's Creek star, not the one from Destiny's Child, because who even knows about her?)

    Michelle bristles at questions being asked about former Dawson's Creek costar and fellow mom (to be) Katie Holmes, saying that, "That's the million-dollar question...Everybody wants to ask it. I feel like I'm turning into a party trick. When I do reflect on [my time at the Creek], it's fondly...It's just not often."


    BRILL!

    Mallory at 12/21/2005 12:15:00 PM

    4comments

    4 Comments

    at 2:06 PM Blogger CLC said...

    I AM STUNNED... REALLY. UTTERLY SPEECHLESS. Cro-Damon, a Yankee? While it is semi-satisfying to see Boston (and esp. Larry Luchino) receive such a come-uppance, this deal bothers me: (1) it leaves me with the vague sensation that he won. Okay, call me a small person, but I was hoping that w/ Boras' ridiculous 7 year contract demand and the fact that there appeared to be lukewarm interest outside of the Red Sox, that Damon might be left out in the cold and end up with a mediocre contract that he so richly deserves; (2) I knew you would not be pleased (and rightly so),(3) as much as I might decry the Evil Empire, I do recognize that they only sign top shelf marquee players. To be a Yankee is a signal to the world that you are an elite player, not just currently, but historically, and I refuse to think of Damon (and Giambi... comeback player of the year, my a$$) that way, and (4) I *know* he is going to cut his hair and his beard (though he will still be just as ugly) to conform with the Steinbrennian fashion mores, but he will disingenuously claim (much like Giambi) that he had been wanting to clean up his image for a long time. A deodarant brand endorsement cannot be far behind. This is just... ugh. As I said above... just speechless.

    I am so in love with Project Runway. I think this season may indeed be better than the last, and it is just the thing to get me through till the next season of ANTM to which I have become dangerously addicted. Yes, I am using "fierce" and "work it out" in my day to day life, which would be fine, except it doesn't really fit well in legal briefs.

    Am I a bad person b/c, living in the PST-zone, I could not wait for the Carver revelation and googled the reveal at 9 pm posted by east coast viewers? Yes, absolutely no self control.

     
    at 6:31 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    While it is semi-satisfying to see Boston (and esp. Larry Luchino) receive such a come-uppance

    Oooooh! You rotten Yankees fans make me so mad! We win ONCE and you guys are like "Nice to see Boston get theirs!"

    After lo these many years of losing to the Yankees, I think Boston fans still have a tiny bit of leverage left in the "Boo-yah! How ya like me nah!?" department.

    I mean, y'all got to feel that way for, what, like, 80 years? Give us a break!

    On the other hand: Haaaa-ha! Now you have the Damon! It's like "Tag! You're it!" Now with 90% more body hair! I hope he starts wearing his high-waisted acid-wash jeans around town.

     
    at 7:52 PM Blogger Mallory said...

    Zooby:
    Oooooh! You rotten Yankees fans make me so mad! We win ONCE and you guys are like "Nice to see Boston get theirs!"


    Hee! She's not a Yankee fan. I am the only dirty rotten scoundrel round these parts.

    I maintain that the Red Sox are just like the Yankees in every respect except that they never won in big games; I'm not trying to be controversial, I am just being honest. And come on, you have to admit that Luchino is a dick!

    Dean, that picture hurts me to the very core, but your caption is great.

    C, I emailed you a heinously long ramble about everything you said:)

     
    at 10:57 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I maintain that the Red Sox are just like the Yankees in every respect except that they never won in big games; I'm not trying to be controversial, I am just being honest.

    Sniff! It's true, and that's why it hurts.

    And it's also true that he is a dick. But some members of the RedSox Nation are not. Unlike the Yankees. Now that they have Damon (Who I have always suspected was a bit... simple), they have a full compliment of dicks! And some spares!

    P.S. It is my contention that other than Cash and Depp, there are almost NO grown men who can pull off the name Johnny.

     

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