Sunday, December 04, 2005
Full House...Of Horrors
I have this really annoying thing where I cannot watch commercials. I just can't do it, it makes me twitchy, and it also opens up the possibility of seeing that creepy Ronald McDonald commercial. You know the one I'm talking about, where he's dancing and his shoe flies off and hits the camera and he gets all up in the camera to fix it and Ohmigod it is one of the most disturbing things committed to film? Yeah, I don't like that commercial. So anyway, while I'm watching TV, I constantly flick to another channel and it seems like whenever I do that during the week, I wind up watching Full House.
Now. In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I was a huge fan of Full House for most of my childhood and distinctly remember having a full on nervous breakdown when they moved it from Friday nights to Tuesday nights, because I was convinced that my parents wouldn’t let me stay up on a school night to watch it (they did). But so was everybody my age, so it is unsurprising except...when you think about it, the show is both highly unrealistic and tremendously disturbing.
I am fully aware that I am putting too much thought into an old, cheesy television show and should use this effort to learn some useful skills, such as basic arithmetic, but still.
If you mention the name Kimmy Gibbler, people will wrinkle their noses in annoyance because she was one of the more annoying television characters in recent memory. She was dumb, boorish, dumb and a bad influence on DJ Tanner, her best friend. The last part is alleged and the centerpiece of an episode that rips off the Anne/Diana storyline from Anne of Green Gables. Don't believe me? The following is not for the faint of heart!
Anne will be italicized; Full House is bolded:
Anne and Diana want to be ladylike and proper, so they have tea
DJ and Kimmy want to be cool, so they watch MTV
Raspberry cordial is the height of sophistication, so Anne wants to serve it to Diana
Watching MTV is done best while relaxing, so Kimmy wants Danny's new big screen TV to be upstairs
Surprise! The raspberry cordial is really ALCOHOL!
OMG! Kimmy gets distracted and DROPS THE BIG SCREEN TV DOWN THE STAIRS
Diana is drunk!
The TV is broken!
Mrs. Barry claims that Anne got Diana drunk on purpose and is a BAD INFLUENCE. Diana is forbidden from associating with Anne
Danny Tanner concludes that Kimmy dropped the TV on purpose and is a BAD INFLUENCE. DJ is forbidden from associating with Kimmy (going as far as saying that it isn't important that they were best friends) (!!!)
Gasp! Minnie May Barry is sick with the croup and her parents aren't home!
Danny and Joey dress up as women to crash a sorority reunion and are arrested for attempted robbery and jailed; DJ has to bail them out of jail!
Anne rushes over to the Barry home and cures Minnie May!
Kimmy Gibbler rushes over to the Tanner house and babysits Michelle and Stephanie while DJ bails the transvestites out of jail!
Mrs. Barry realizes that her decision was rash and that Anne saved her daughter's life; all is forgiven
After seeing Kimmy playing patty-cake with Michelle, Danny realizes that she is good with kids; all is forgiven
Well, technically, all was forgiven for that one episode, because in any episode that Kimmy appears in, the adults on the show are needlessly rude to her. I am a mean person in general and am not saying that kids don't deserve being the recipients of bad attitudes, because that is not the case, but really, who are these people to be judging anyone? Jesse lives in the attic of his brother-in-law’s house and Joey is a creepy man child who lurks in the basement. Also! There was an episode where Jesse had a dream that he married Kimmy Gibbler. There aren't enough words in the world to describe how categorically NOT RIGHT it is for an adult to be dreaming about marrying his niece's school friend. Ew.
As if sporting a mullet weren't concerning enough, Jesse (Remember how his first last name was Cochran before he got all Greek pride up in here?) willingly slept in a room covered with pink bunnies. Then! When he and his wife moved out of the house, he got so despondent and suicidal over being separated from his family (for one night) that he and his wife moved into the Tanner family's house and lived in the attic. Even when they had children of their own, they lived in the attic. It was like a postmodern take on the works of V.C. Andrews. Jesse was supposed to be some musical superstar and when his song hit Number 1 in Japan, he had the opportunity to tour Asia but he turned it down because Michelle would miss him too much. Huh?
Seriously? The man lived in the basement of his best friend's house for over ten years, never had a real girlfriend and formed relationships with cartoon characters instead of actual people. That’s not normal.
Also, despite never having to pay rent or buy his own food, he was always broke. Why is this? I realize that makes him less of a creep and more of a freeloader, but it is certainly a negative trait.
People always harsh on Blossom for being 30 minute public service announcements, but Full House was just as bad. There was the time that Kimmy Gibbler got drunk at a frat house, the time DJ had an eating disorder that was cured in four minutes, the time that Danny stalked DJ and Steve to make sure they weren’t having sex, etc. There were also a number of episodes wherein characters got locked in places (gas stations, toystores and the like) which I am assuming were special episodes educating people about how to pass the time if they were trapped somewhere. I dunno.
I have officially wasted too much time thinking about this, but I can't help question the sanity of the world at large for watching this show and allowing it to pollute the airwaves for eight years. That's just wrong.
For those of you who watch ANTM, did you catch Nik's hott Luella bag?! I want. So badly. They are obscenely expensive and will probably be out of style in a year, but damn it, I would sell one of my brothers for one.
Also, and I am aware that it is an unpopular opinion, I am really creeped out by Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids. Isn't that moving just the tiniest bit quickly?
Mallory at 12/04/2005 12:19:00 PM