Friday, December 16, 2005
Couch Potato
In the weeks since my last real post (Nothing centered around Full House counts as real, except real pathetic), I have not done anything exciting enough to merit neglecting my blog the way that I have, unless you think watching television counts as exceedingly glam which I suppose that it does, on some level. Some sad, bizarro level.
Can we discuss some television shows? Thanks. Now, extra long to make up for weeks in between posts and presented in the OCD Person's Favorite, Alphabetical Order:
I am pretty much recovered from the shock of the gorgeous Nik losing, if only because Nicole was my number two and she was pretty, photogenic, tall and young (in other words: a model). I still think Nik is my favorite contestant on any cycle, ever, so I am confident in hysterically saying "SHE WUZ ROBBED!!!" (Look at her portfolio for verification) Plus, now Nicole can do the "My Life As A Cover Girl" and put us all out of our Naima-induced misery (Aside: Naima? Seriously? Six months later, I still don't get it and probably never will). On the much discussed ElleGirl cover, Nicole looks...pregnant. I guess it's nice that world renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon (TM) has a niche in maternity chic.
The reunion special the other day? Seriously? I would have rather read People. How boring! It was basically an advert for Tyra's talk show and by the way, Tyra, it might be a good idea to practice using the teleprompter before the show. At the very least, it would eliminate awkward moments like:
Sarah: (Paraphrasing) I'm not a lesbian
Tyra: But you kissed Kim! (Reading the teleprompter) And another conflict on the show was between Lisa and Coryn!
Like, way to be organic, TyTy.
I still don't understand why we have no footage of who ate Bre's granola bars. It's the mystery of our time. My money is still on Jayla (who, seriously, is heinous. I love how she tried to gloss over the fact that she was repeatedly a horrid person to everyone in contact with her), just because she looks like a thief and also looks guilty whenever the subject is broached. Maybe they didn't want to show the clip because if Bre saw the real culprit, she would commit murder right onstage. How much do I love Bre, by the way? There is something about arrogant, condescending and unbalanced people that I just adore.
Apparently, Ebony and Kyle were on the show. Who would have known, judging by their combined 0.09 seconds of screentime. They were largely ignored in favor of replaying the same tired clips over and over and over. I am not going to discuss Ashley's fiance, because that would be wrong (did you see him, though? He was...he was.)
I have discussed the Food Network before but I am expericing a life crisis of sorts due to the fact that Sandra Lee was chosen to participate in the All Star Holiday Special. Sandra Lee. Unless it's an All Star special for talentless hags who wear too much makeup and not enough breast support. That's something she can work. But all star FOOD centered things? Just...no. Because of her Kwanzaa Cake alone, she should be disqualified from life. Am I taking this too seriously? After all, the show involves Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay and a random woman from HGTV, so it's not like the talent bar is particularly high, but still. Sandra Lee sucks. And I appreciate liquor as much as the next person, but doesn't she put a little too much in everything she makes? Maybe that's the only way her food can be stomached, if people are blitzed whilst eating.
Good Deals With Dave Lieberman has also caught my eye, partly because he is 25 and I have a well documented complex about people three years older and three years younger than me being successful, but mostly because the show is just like a porno. No, seriously. I know there's talk about the sensuality of food and Nigella blahblahblah, but when he chops vegetables or whisks things, there are close ups and straight up porn music comes on. It's entirely unsettling. Can moaning be far behind?
I have several questions about this show:
The third question is the only one I have an answer to, and that is because Silly Pipe Dreams keeps a fantastic log of the songs used, so you can go back and relive the awesome.
Patrick Dempsey truly is dreamy, though Isaiah Washington is no slouch in that department. And as awesome as Sandra Oh is, I can't help but feel that she steals the attention away from the glorious Chandra Wilson, who, seriously, is beyond amazing. Sandra is fab, but Dr. Bailey is just ridiculous. She reduces me to a hysterical fangirl which...no, okay, that's not hard to do, but still.
I haven't watched the original L&O since Briscoe left (I remain addicted to the repeats on TNT, which air roughly 22 hours a day), and I rely on the cheesy goodness of SVU to give me my fix. But-I don't particularly like it. CLC recently wrote about how profoundly irritating some of the characters are and it is so true.
SVU typically goes like this:
Olivia: (Is dramatic! Identifies with the victim! Has bad hair!)
Finn: (Makes a short remark about black culture)
Stabler: (Becomes enraged)
Munch: (Quip!)
Cragen: (Is stern!)
Huang: (Spouts textbook passages verbatim! Is a know-it-all!)
Casey: (Fucks up her case! Refuses to learn how to walk in heels! Has hair dramatically lighter every scene!)
Plot: (Twisty! Turny! Twist! Turn!
Ending: (Poignancy)
The formula is predictable. If they have "the perp" within the first twenty minutes, it is obvious that either this is not the real perp or that this particular case will dovetail into something even more sinister. Last week's episode had about 46 plot twists, as if the writers feel that a plot twist redeems a boring story. I blame M. Night Shyamalan for this.
I cannot describe the convoluted story coherently, but it centered around a girl raised by lesbians who stabbed a bigoted kid in the back, paralyzing him. It included three of my least favorite SVU elements:
Huang's Instant Diagnosis
Olivia: When you were being molested, how did it feel?
Little girl: It--
Huang: SHE'S LYING! She is suffering from psychological brainwashing administered by her grandparents!
Instant Turnaround
Grandmother: Zoe is evil and gay! Gays can't raise kids, my lawyer told me so. 94% of them are child molesters. !!!!!111!!1
Casey: Look at these books on my desk, they say different.
Grandmother: Oh no! We were wrong! Zoe, can we be friends?
Bad Hair
Luckily, the little girl's wreck of a wig was explained (the bigot cut her ponytail off), but that doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Let's just get this out of the way first: I am terrified of the freaking Carver. Terrified. It's because his/her mask is somewhat clowny. And also because of the whole cutting and raping people thing. Seriously, I have watched this show from the get go (is get go one word? Getgo? Should it be hyphenated? Get-go? I don't understand!) and now I don't know if I can watch the big reveal because the preview sent me into a tailspin. Ahhhhh! He's so creeeepy. And he has a myspace! And it's freaky! (although I love the fact that it lists his favorite show as According to Jim).
If I may be shallow for a moment: I really hope that Quentin Costa isn't the Carver, because I love Quentin a little. He's truly gross and repulsive and ridiculous, but it turns into fabulosity on some level, and it doesn't hurt that Bruno Campos is cute. There, I said it, I base 89.3% of life choices on looks. And I refuse to be ashamed.
Described as "the Prada of reality shows" by someone I don't know but whose quip is immortalized in a barrage of Bravo ads, the show is awesome. I held out for a while because I felt guilty cheating on ANTM until I gave in and watched an episode and-they are totally different (ANTM is like a drag queen, really campy and bizarre, and Project Runway is classy and together), so I no longer feel bad about watching it. Dare I say that this season is even better than the first? I suppose the absence of Wendy Pepper proves it.
Random Thoughts:
(Picture courtesy of Rich over at Four Four who is SERIOUSLY brill, y'all. Go read it now!)
For those of you who don't watch and those of you who do, Jeff's Television Without Pity recaps are fantastic because he really likes and appreciates the show, and manages to be funny about it all the same without being bitter, which is a yay indeed.
Mallory at 12/16/2005 02:01:00 PM
2 Comments
-
at 12:25 AM
said... regarding project runway:
my favorite designer is chloe because just from the first episode you can already tell that she's going to be great. i love her dseigns. it's so original and sleek.
i have a crush on daniel v. (because spelling his last name wrong would just be embarrassing)and i am very much hoping that he's not gay. so far, i don't think he is.
nick (or is santino? i dunno, they freakishly look alike to me) likes to talk crap a lot about people, let me tell you.
guadalupe annoys the hell out of me.
-jean-
at 6:26 PM
said...
Word, Jean, Daniel V is hot.