Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Freakshow

I seem to remember a time where Tom Cruise knew how to hide his rampant insanity, but that time is long gone and there is little to say other than "Bitch crazy".

No, okay, there's lots to say and I will say it, but the underlying theme throughout is "Bitch crazy".

Tom Cruise Sez: Drugs Are Bad, Mmmkay?:

Cruise, who zealously preaches the Church of Scientology's hatred of all mind-altering drugs, tells Bush: "Here is a woman, and I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman. You look at, where has her career gone?"


Say what? There is so much wrong with the above.

  • I'm guessing that any trouble Brooke Shields has, career-wise has more to do with her lack of acting skills than it does her use of anti-depressants. I mean, it's just a hunch, but the woman was nominated for a Razzie award for Worst Actress of the Century. I'm assuming that has a lot to do with it.
  • Really Tom? We can't measure the level of chemicals in the brain? Because I've heard we can, but you know how those medical institutions lie. So what you're saying is that if Brooke Shields had taken more Flinstones vitamins, she would have steered clear of post-partum depression? Good to know.
  • As a whole, I think society should stop giving interviews to Billy "Satan's Spawn" Bush, because that will speed up the process of his career implosion. Yet another mistake made by TC.

    According to Us Weekly (Don't even make a sarcastic comment, okay?), Tom and Katie spent Mother's Day with his kids in Mexico. Which is grody, because these kids have their own mother. Granted, she's a wax stick figure, but still. And Katie has a mother of her own. It's just a little inappropriate, but I suppose it shows us all how theirs is THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE EVER. Good taste can't even keep them apart, people!

    The pinnacle, thus far, of Tom Cruise's breakdown was broadcast on Oprah for the entire world to see. He appeared on the show to publicize his heterosexual desire for Katie Holmes, as well as his new movie War of the Worlds.

    He claims that love, not his cult, turned him into a raving lunatic. From IMDB:

    I can't be cool... I can't be laid back. It's something that has happened and I feel I want to celebrate it and I wanna celebrate her. She's a very special woman.


    Tom, you haven't seen cool since Top Gun. Oh, you probably meant cool as in composed. Either way, you're a freak.

    He was like a wind-up toy with creepy undertones.

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
    Remember what I said about his manic laughter? His is the only laughter that resembles a severe seizure. I don't remember exactly what brought this fit on, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was something innocuous.

    Oprah: I heard this great joke the other day. This guy walks into a bar...
    Tom: AHAHAHAHHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAH! Oprah, that is AWESOME! HAHAHAHAHA!

    He then discussed his heterosexual love affair with Katie Holmes.
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
    "YEAH! YEEEE-AAAAH! YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! I GOT ME A HOT GIRL! UH-HUH! JEALOUS?!"

    At one point, he demonstrated what I can only imagine is how he planned to administer a beatdown to those who call him gay.
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
    "I will FUCK your shit UP!"

    A highlight, if you can call it that, and I can, because it depressed me so much that all I wanted to do was get high, was when Tom ran backstage--although it was more like he galloped in a distressingly heterosexual way--to drag Katie onstage with him. Literally, he dragged her. It was like a scene from a horror movie as the cameras followed him saying, "She's freakin' out! I know she is!" Yeah, Tom, she probably is, because you want to EAT HER BRAINS AND THAT IS NOT EVEN A EUPHEMISM.

    He pulled her--again, literally--out onstage to demonstrate their heterosexual love for the cameras. And he gripped her arm so that she couldn't leave.

    Perhaps it's just that I have American Psycho on the brain, but this seems incredibly scary to me.
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
    "You better not try to run, Katie. Don't even think about it. Because I will hunt you down like the overlaughing maniac I am and I will kill you. Do you want to test me?"

    AHHHHHHHHH!

    Even worse was their kiss. It was like...my friend Jill used to get really uncomfortable when she saw cartoon characters kissing. This was just like that. It was an incredibly awkward open-mouthed kiss preceded by Katie whispering, "I love you".

    I'm still hyperventilating.

    I think it's time to declare this The Best Mental Breakdown Ever.

    Mallory at 5/24/2005 09:28:00 AM

    3comments

    3 Comments

    at 10:41 AM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Sideshow Tom is such a freak. I'm still pissed I missed THIS spectacle.

    Love the new layout!

     
    at 12:14 PM Blogger Rayanne Graff said...

    I've never hated living in the UK more. We just don't get that kind of star behaviour on Parkinson!

    I can't believe those pictures are real - did he really do that on one knee, fist-pump, YEAH! move? Bee-zarre!

    What's your take on this?

     
    at 10:04 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    OMFG, i almost peed in my pants reading this entry. this is quite possibly the best tom-katie commentary on the internet. FUNNY!!!!!!

    you are making me miss living in new york and watching daytime talk!

    G

     

    Post a Comment