Saturday, April 30, 2005
Wuv. Twu Wuv.
You've all heard the news, that Brad and Angelina are no longer the hot couple story in Hollywood. That title belongs to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
I know what you're thinking, I'm betting it's something along the lines of "What the hell?" Because it's just that weird.
I mean, she was Joey on Dawson's Creek. And don't let that damn show fool you, Joey was not the best and the brightest to ever exist anywhere in the world or history ever. Joey was, actually, damn near irritating, judgmental and stupid. Remember when she almost didn't go to school because she couldn't afford it and instead of applying for financail aid, she let Dawson pay for it? I still get angry thinking about that. And while it's odd that I get so invested in the life of a fictional character, you have to admit that Joey was really rather irritating. And her big film career has included such cinematic classics as Teaching Mrs. Tingle, The Gift and Abandon.
And Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise. I mean, like him or not, the man is a bona fide superstar, an icon if you will. He's not perfect, what with the whole being a midget Scientologist freak thing, but still.
I just...I just don't understand it.
Obviously, it's about publicity. Katie is next appearing in Batman Begins (with my one true love) and Tom is soon starring in The War of the Worlds with that creepy alien/human hybrid Dakota Fanning. And what better form of publicity is there than a HOTT new romance?
That would all make sense if they actually seemed compatible in any way, but they are not.
Tom: Movie star with three Oscar nominations (Born on the 4th of July, Jerry Maguire and Magnolia)
Katie: TV show star (And not even real TV. We're talking the WB, folks)
Tom: Old (42)
Katie: Young (26)
Tom: Teensy (5'7"...allegedly)
Katie: Tall (5'9" at the very least)
Tom: Dated Penelope Cruz who, fine, sort of looks like Gonzo from some angles, but from others, she's really pretty and she's a good actress when she's not speaking English.
Katie: Was engaged to Chris Klein. CHRIS KLEIN. There are pet rocks out there far more interesting and intelligent than Chris Klein could ever hope to be.
Tom: Part of a freakish cult; possibly mentally ill
Katie: Not part of a cult; possibly mentally ill due to PTSD following years of prolonged exposure to James Van Der Beek's cereal box head.
Okay, fine, I'll give them a point on that front.
Tom is trying very hard to woo her, giving her flowers and jewelry, which must piss Nicole Kidman off. After all, he gave her beautiful Indian jewelry, but not a single red rose:(.
But in pictures, they just seem so...awkward.
Tom: "Oh, my! Photographers! What are the odds? You caught us at a really bad time, we're just leaving a heterosexual dinner date and going back to our hotel room to engage in heterosexual intercourse. Good times."
Katie: "..."
Tom: "Look at my girlfriend! She is a very lovely female person. Aren't you jealous of me, for my beautiful heterosexual girlfriend? (Manic laughter)"
Katie: "Um, you're hurting my arm."
Katie: "Heehee. Tom bought me these glasses. They're Gucci. They cost more than I ever made on Dawson's Creek."
Tom: "Hello, again, paparazzi! You've once again caught me and my heterosexual girlfriend engaging in heterosexual activities. Pretty sneaky, sis. Look at my hands, they are roaming below the belt, like the hands of straight men do when they are hanging out with their girlfriends on balconies. Ah, the follies of heterosexuality."
Katie: "Oh my god, you're, like so short!"
Tom: "No, Katie, don't actually touch me with your mouth. Ew."
Katie: "Hey, cameras! See me? With my boyfriend Tom Cruise? Hi! Remember, if you want more pictures of me and Tom Cruise, remember to come to the premiere of my film Batman Begins, which opens on June 15th in the US."
Tom: "Okay, Tom, just close your eyes and think of England..."
Katie: "Suck on this, Chris Klein!"
Tom: "Just pretend she's Brad Pitt. She's Brad Pitt. She's tall like Brad, that makes it easier."
This is a recpie for disaster, and I cannot even wait.
In other news...
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy seems to be on pace to be number 1 this weekend, which makes me happy because I do so love Mos Def.
Paula Abdul may or may not have slept with Corey Clark. Um, okay, ew. I know Paula is whacked out and barely knows her own name, but come ON. Corey Clark is skeevy to the max. I keep shuddering just thinking about him. Ew.
Kitson wants us to take sides-are you a Jennifer or an Angelina?
Mallory at 4/30/2005 06:07:00 PM
5 Comments
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at 5:03 PM
said... I dont get this couple at all. A big downgrade for Tom.
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at 11:52 PM
said...
I refuse to believe Tom Cruise is gay. For him to be gay, he'd have to be, well...sexual. He doesn't seem to give off vibes of any sort to me.
And Katie? She's blander than bland.
Corey Clark--is he the wife beater? I can't keep up, and I don't even watch AI!-
at 1:03 PM
said...
"Hello, again, paparazzi! You've once again caught me and my heterosexual girlfriend engaging in heterosexual activities."
Hee!
I was hoping the Gladfly would weigh in on the weirdness of TomKat.
The Tom quotes are hilarious, not least because they totally channel Tobias from “Arrested Development.”-
at 1:30 AM
said...
I wonder if Tom is a Never Nude?
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at 5:54 AM
said...
I'm a huge fan so you might like canine skin problem