“I would go to the beach,” says Alba, “and my born-again friends would be like, ‘Your jeans are too tight! You’re tempting me!’ ” In church, her youth pastor forced Alba to wrap a sweater around her swelling posterior to hide her sin as he read from the Bible

"I have fantastic sex," she purrs. "My body was made for sin. But I'm not domesticated. I've never used an iron or a washing machine and I can't dust, cook or Hoover." --Jessica Simpson

Mallory at 5/31/2005 11:05:00 AM

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Freakshow

I seem to remember a time where Tom Cruise knew how to hide his rampant insanity, but that time is long gone and there is little to say other than "Bitch crazy".

No, okay, there's lots to say and I will say it, but the underlying theme throughout is "Bitch crazy".

Tom Cruise Sez: Drugs Are Bad, Mmmkay?:

Cruise, who zealously preaches the Church of Scientology's hatred of all mind-altering drugs, tells Bush: "Here is a woman, and I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman. You look at, where has her career gone?"

I can't be cool... I can't be laid back. It's something that has happened and I feel I want to celebrate it and I wanna celebrate her. She's a very special woman.

Mallory at 5/24/2005 09:28:00 AM

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Monday, May 23, 2005

A-B-C-D-E

A is for Alyssa Milano

Yeah, the girl from Who's the Boss and Charmed. No, she's not really famous, just marginally so. She's always appearing on those Maxim Hot 100 or Sexiest Women Evah!! countdowns despite having cut her hair into this unfortunate style once. Short hair works on some people, but all it did with Miss Milano was bring out the fug, hardcore.

The weird thing about Alyssa Milano is that she seems to have some unnatural power when it comes to zapping the athletes she dates of their talent (I was going to make a suck the talent out of them joke, but this is a family friendly zone). Let's take, for example, her propensity to date baseball pitchers with Italian last names, like Barry Zito and Carl Pavano. In the world of major league baseball, these two are considered somewhat hot. I say somewhat because Barry Zito has a doughy face and one of Carl Pavano's eyes is wonky to the point of distraction. But this is a sport with people like Randy Johnson and Jay Gibbons, so we're grading on a curve here. Anyhoo, after taking up with Alyssa, both Carl and Barry lost their stuff. Like, totally, just lost their ability to pitch. Former Cy Young winner with a 23-5 record Zito can't throw strikes and Pavano is only starting to buckle down after a rocky start.

What I don't get is-what does she do with their talent once she takes it away? Is she using it for her next role, Dinotopia: Quest for the Ruby Sunstone? Is she a nefarious plant sent by the Baltimore Orioles to make sure no one else has a strong starting rotation?

B is for Bret Easton Ellis

After reading Glamorama for a class, I decided to maybe try for the second time to make it through American Psycho. After all, I've learned to deal with the movie, so how hard could it be to make it through the book?

(When I mentioned this to my mother, she went on a tirade about how BEE is "Nothing more than a creepy little freak with rich parents who got lucky. He's SO vile" with vitriol usually reserved for members of the Bush family. She then brightly offered me a brownie, which was disturbing)

Not as disturbing as this book, because as I read it, I remembered why I couldn't read it the first time. But, dumbly, I soldiered on. After every gruesome scene (so every five pages or so), I closed the book, put it under a pillow, paced around my room, then returned to the book, with a hand covering the horrible passages so that I couldn't reread it (even though my eyes would invariably trail towards words like "nail gun").

Now that I am done, I am afraid of Yuppies. I'm also afraid of the cover of the book itself. Because being the rocket scientist I am, I read the book AT NIGHT when I was ALONE and had the following conversation with the book cover:

Mallory: Eep!
Book: Well, hello, there. Look at the smug way I furrow my brow. I am planning on killing you.
Mallory: AHHHHH!

I then placated myself by remembering that Bret Easton Ellis is just an odd man who looks like Richard Nixon and that the book couldn't actually come after me. It's still under a blanket, though, just in case.

C is for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I enjoy the original version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but there is something disturbing about the remake, starring Johnny Depp. I mean, the story has always been somewhat disturbing, as Wonka is the littlest bit sociopathic; remember his dead eyes when, asked to call the police, he says in a monotone, "Help. Police. Murder". Ack! I think it also has to do with how unnaturally plastic Johnny Depp looks.

D is for Doug Savant

I will not get into the particulars of the Desperate Housewives finale because I know some of you haven't seen it yet (it was, however, awesome), but I would like to register my deep love of Doug Savant. He's so adorable and rather hilarious as Tom on DH and he was similarly adorable on an old episode of Melrose that I saw this morning. Any morning with Melrose is a good morning, seriously. I could watch that show for days...

Anyway, on both shows, Doug has sort of been an unsung hero, who wasn't as batshit crazy as Kimberly Shaw or as amusingly Stepford as Bree Van De Kamp (both played by Marcia Cross, hmm) or as smarmy as Michael Mancini or violent as Carlos Solis. But he's awesome! He really is. Also, he is getting better looking with age.

E is for Elvira

Elvira recently made an appearance at the Cannes Film Festival, arriving with Ashley Olsen. Oh, wait, that's actually Mary-Kate, isn't it?

Olivia and I have made our fondness for the Olsen twins known quite frequently and we worship at the altar of their lip gloss and movies, which cure a hangover like nobody's business. This is why I find M-K's appearance so distressing. I mean...the outfit is odd enough, but I'm now used to her version of ashcan chic.

What I don't get is why she looks undead. I mean, look at her! She's blindingly pale. It's like we're watching her die of consumption or something. And why are her eyes so creepy?

Run away, Ashley! Before she eats your sooooooooooul!

Mallory at 5/23/2005 10:14:00 AM

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

One of these things is not like the other

The lineup for Ozzfest has been announced. Due to stellar taste in music and a profound distaste for the Osbourne family, thanks to a long period spent researching their stank asses for a paper, I could not possibly care less about the festival itself. Or could I?

The lineup includes:

Mallory at 5/22/2005 07:14:00 PM

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Thursday, May 19, 2005

Thoughts

My love affair with UPN is over. Now I can go back to judging others for their poor taste in television without that shameful secret looming over me.

It all started with Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, which was just...I don't know what adjectives to use. It was dumb and skeevy but even worse--it was dreadfully dull. I mean, I know from dumb and skeevy celebreality shows, but this show nearly put me to sleep. I didn't care to hear so much about Britney and Kevin (who looks like a perp on Cops) and their sex life, nor did I want to see up Britney's nostrils as often as I did.

It was like Truth or Dare had Madonna no brain cells and even poorer taste in men.

Then, on the finale of America's Next Top Model, they crowned Naima the winner, despite being dreadfully dull, with a propensity to have dead eyes in her photos and rocking an outdated mohawk. I didn't hate Naima, per se, but I loved Kahlen who was incredibly versatile and lovely. I suppose I should be happy that Keenyah didn't win. It's a damn shame that a girl with an attitude and hairstyle as bad as hers made it to the top three. I can't find a picture of the horror of her hair--it was an asymmetrical blunt cut and it turned into a helmet of sorts and it made her jaw look huge.

There was a fantastic moment of bitchiness from Janice Dickinson, as she listed the designers she was a muse for, but it wasn't enough.

At least I won't have to see a zillion and one commercials for Kevin Hill anymore. I mean, yes, Taye Diggs is pretty, but the man can't act. Let's get that out in the open, okay? Much like his Brown Sugar costar Boris Kodjoe--hot, but can't act. At. All.

(Brown Sugar has the best looking cast, does it not? Taye Diggs, Boris Kodjoe and MOS DEF? Awesome. The hotness of the cast, I mean, not the movie. Which wasn't as awesome as it could have been. But I still own it. I'm not proud.)

Kenny Chesney's proposal to Renee Zelweger was no "candlelight dinner and bent knee" affair. In fact, Chesney says there was no proposal at all. "She wouldn't let me, really. She just told me to name a town and place and she'd be there," the country singer said Tuesday after the 40th Academy of Country Music Awards show. Asked what it's like being married, Chesney replied: "To be honset with you, it's not all that different. I'm just not searching anymore."

Mallory at 5/19/2005 12:50:00 PM

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

After School Specials

DON'T DO DRUGS

I recently hypothesized that Lindsay Lohan has gone over to the dark (read: ugly) side due to becoming too famous too fast. Almost like the brilliant Lifetime opus She's Too Young says: "She's not fast--she's just keeping up".

Now I'm beginning to wonder if Lindsay sold her youth to the devil in exchange for Satan wishing ill upon Hilary Duff. Which would explain The Duffsta getting cheated on by grotsky Aaron Carter with her BFF, as well as Raise Your Voice and that dreadful sister of hers who is like some sort of creepy appendage.

You'd think Lindsay would have the last laugh, but I don't know that this deal with the devil was worth it, because I swear to god, Lindsay Lohan looks 47. Like a skanky 47 year old, the type who hits on teenage boys at the grocery store and strokes their arm with her painted nails and Diamonique jewelry and smells like cigarettes.

And...is she wearing bermuda shorts?

She's just such a cautionary tale--kids, stay in school, don't date Fez or do drugs or date Fez or pal around with Paris Hilton or date Fez. Because if you do, you will look like this:



And nobody deserves that.

People should be using this as an after-school special or educational film, not the movie where Helen Hunt becomes addicted to angel dust, because I feel that Lindsay's ravaged face is far scarier than Helen Hunt flying out of a window while high. I hope I didn't ruin the ending for anybody.

(Incidentally, the IMDB shows that Helen Hunt was on Captain Planet as "additional voices". The hell?)

Dating Tom Cruise can actually make your hymen grow back

Mallory at 5/17/2005 02:41:00 PM

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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Let's Play Pretend Today

Suppose for a minute that you're a short, skinny actress with squinty eyes. A lot of people hate you, but I think you're adorable and, really, that's all that matters. You played a beloved chicklit character to rave reviews and an Oscar nom. You follow that up with an...okay turn as a merry murderess and, again, Oscar nom (damn it, that bitch Nicole Kidman just beat you out!). You then ham it up in a period piece and finally win that Oscar! Granted, you accept that offer in a white dress with a ginormous bow in the back but still, it was a rare misstep for you, who often dresses rather splendidly.

Life is good, yes?

Well, sort of. Everyone is OBSESSED with how much you weigh and you get grief when you're on the curvier side and when you're stick skinny. There are rumors that your creepy undead boyfriend lost interest in you when you had the Bridget Jones weight on...ouch.

And, okay, you're sort of annoying. I mean, I like you, but damn, that "Ohmigod, y'all! I'm just a little gal from Texas, I can't believe y'all gave me an award!" shtick that you do at every single award ceremony is so stale. And honey, what's with the shine? You can get really cheap foundation at CVS.

But in spite of this, you've had a pretty good record in the dating department. I mean, I, personally, would sooner kick Jim Carrey in his elastic face than date him, but you know, he was the biggest star at the time, so I can see it. And then you made approximately forty billion women jealous by dating the criminally hot George Clooney. George Clooney! If I may pretend it's 1997 again-you go, girl.

Then you dated the aforementioned undead Jack White. But I guess The White Stripes are, like, popular, or whatever? I'm not the one to ask, as I listen to little other than Mos Def and Madonna. But yes, I've heard that Jack White is way talented or whatever, so good on you. And then when you broke up with him (thank god, because, really, the man is forty shades of creepy) and dated Damien Rice, who I am similarly ignorant about.

And then, a mere four months after dumping the creeptastic vampire, you decide to get married. Which is a weird decision in and of itself, but the man you married is Kenny Chesney.

Now, first, can I ask you something? What's with the dating musicians? Are you trying to be like Winona Ryder? Because Winona Ryder, like Charles Barkley, is no role model.

And, okay, Kenny Chesney? I don't know much about him except that:

Could it be that tensions are brewing in the camp of that less-than-contented crooner? So say sources close to the follicly impaired fella, who tell me that his desire to come out is being thwarted. Although he'd like to come up for air, his management cites "career suicide" if the diminutive doll's fan base (known for being ever-so-slightly conservative) learned he had been in a long-term relationship with his guy Friday. I guess the cheeky chap will have to take out his frustration in the gym and continue focusing on his fine-tuned physique--to say nothing of his unique flair for fashion.

Mallory at 5/11/2005 02:36:00 PM

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Sunday, May 08, 2005

The Boys and Girls Club

Hollywood continues to experience a baby boom of sorts, what with reports that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are expecting a little one.

(I really hope that the baby takes after his/her mother. Because Ben Affleck is just ew, with an enormous head and a reportedly hairy back. Not to mention the fact that he's already demonstrated his fondness for eating children. I'm positively neutral on Jenny Garner, having no interest in Alias or pretty much anything she's ever done, but she's usually cute enough, except lately she looks sort of like Michelle from ANTM, but since Ben looks like a homeless caveman freak, it's not as bad as it could be.)

So this baby will join such fine peers as Baby X Spears Federline, Cruz Beckham, Hazel and Phinneaus Moder, Charles Spencer Crowe, Grace Turlington Burns, Nathan Stewart, Neve O'Brien, Harry Letterman and Apple Martin, all of whom were born in the last year and a half or so.

I mean, granted, Apple and Cruz wouldn't be allowed to play with such commoners as the rest of that lot, especially Baby X, whose Momma considers draperies and Uggs the height of maternity fashion, while Gwyneth wore Stella McCartney during her pregnancy. And Brit's already showing, while Vicki gained approximately fourteen ounces, so you just know Britters wouldn't go over so well with them. And given Gwyneth's obvious distaste of Ben Affleck, Apple probably won't have the Garner child over for playdates too often.

None of the children would be allowed to play with Charles Spencer Crowe, what with his obvious anger issues handed down by his angry father. He'd probably punch them if they happened to mess up a nursery rhyme. They'd also be driven crazy by the horsey laugh of Hazel Moder. The girls would be jealous of how pretty young Miss Turlington is and Cruz and Nathan would come to blows over the disastrous Posh Spice Daily Show interview. Neve and Harry would be too cool for school and let us not even think of the horror that would occur if Liz Hurley's ghastly son Damien joined the mix. Only one other child would be able to coexist in the same room as his monstrous head.

Mallory at 5/08/2005 09:33:00 PM

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