Friday, February 04, 2005
An Ode To Bitchface
Bitchery, bitchery, I love you! Yes, I doooo!
As someone famous once said, "Life is too short for celebrities to waste time being nice".
Okay, no one famous said that....yet, but it is a way of life.
Celebrities, as you all know, are different from the rest of us. They don't follow normal rules when it comes to clothing, salary and normal human relationships. And they're all the better for it, really.
Many celebrities are out and out hateful people-we've heard stories of temper tantrums, catfights and even tales of assistants being beaten with cell phones. We call this phenomenon bitchcraft.
Bitchcraft is, quite simply, the art of being a bitch. You know, someone who is straight up mean and nasty. Someone who doesn't believe that other people have feelings or doesn't care either way.
Often times, bitchcraft manifests itself in bitchface, which is the obvious physical representation of bitchiness. There are varying stages of bitchface and various celebrities who convey them perfectly.
Stage One: Obvious Boredom
What does a celebrity do when they are sick of the questions being asked of them? Why, they roll their eyes and make a face, like Sarah Michelle Gellar does here.
Stage Two: Obvious Disgust
A bitchy celeb can't help but show her disgust with a commoner or, in this case, the skeezy brother of her boyfriend. Watch Mischa Barton do it like a pro:
Stage Three: Disdain
The third stage in the bitchface cycle occurs when the celebrity in question looks peeved or haughty even when her face is resting. It's almost as though her face can't express anything other than bitchiness. Linda "We don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day" Evangelista, a bitch goddess, does it perfectly:
Stage Four: Bitchery Ahoy!
Once a celebrity passes through the first three stages, she can't be bothered ever again to hide her repulsion in front of cameras and just looks evil, like one Ms. Jennifer Lopez does:
Stage Five: Da Baddest Bitch
The last stage of bitchface is a face of arrogance, boredom, disgust and entitlement that few people can manage to convey all at once, but Gwyneth Paltrow shows us how.
Gwyneth Paltrow is the bitch goddess.
And one could, quite possibly, make some sort of theory about Ben Affleck's tendency to date women with major bitchface who so obviously hate him, thereby making him their bitch. Interesting....
There you have it, the five stages of bitchface. Let it be a lesson to you aspiring arrogant readers, learn from the masters. And remember--always sneer, nose in the air and don't be afraid to push and shove.
Mallory at 2/04/2005 06:36:00 PM
2 Comments
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at 9:58 PM
Mallory said... I'm glad I could be of help, I think it's an area everybody should be educated in. I'm attempting to form a petition to have it added to elementary school curriculum.
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at 4:15 PM
Rayanne Graff said...
I can't decide which of those pictures is my favourite. I love them all so, so much.
I really can't wait to see how Jennifer Garner's bitchface manifests itself, as it so clearly must. Will she out-Gwyneth Gwyneth? We can only hope and pray.