Monday, May 23, 2005
A-B-C-D-E
A is for Alyssa Milano
Yeah, the girl from Who's the Boss and Charmed. No, she's not really famous, just marginally so. She's always appearing on those Maxim Hot 100 or Sexiest Women Evah!! countdowns despite having cut her hair into this unfortunate style once. Short hair works on some people, but all it did with Miss Milano was bring out the fug, hardcore.
The weird thing about Alyssa Milano is that she seems to have some unnatural power when it comes to zapping the athletes she dates of their talent (I was going to make a suck the talent out of them joke, but this is a family friendly zone). Let's take, for example, her propensity to date baseball pitchers with Italian last names, like Barry Zito and Carl Pavano. In the world of major league baseball, these two are considered somewhat hot. I say somewhat because Barry Zito has a doughy face and one of Carl Pavano's eyes is wonky to the point of distraction. But this is a sport with people like Randy Johnson and Jay Gibbons, so we're grading on a curve here. Anyhoo, after taking up with Alyssa, both Carl and Barry lost their stuff. Like, totally, just lost their ability to pitch. Former Cy Young winner with a 23-5 record Zito can't throw strikes and Pavano is only starting to buckle down after a rocky start.
What I don't get is-what does she do with their talent once she takes it away? Is she using it for her next role, Dinotopia: Quest for the Ruby Sunstone? Is she a nefarious plant sent by the Baltimore Orioles to make sure no one else has a strong starting rotation?
B is for Bret Easton Ellis
After reading Glamorama for a class, I decided to maybe try for the second time to make it through American Psycho. After all, I've learned to deal with the movie, so how hard could it be to make it through the book?
(When I mentioned this to my mother, she went on a tirade about how BEE is "Nothing more than a creepy little freak with rich parents who got lucky. He's SO vile" with vitriol usually reserved for members of the Bush family. She then brightly offered me a brownie, which was disturbing)
Not as disturbing as this book, because as I read it, I remembered why I couldn't read it the first time. But, dumbly, I soldiered on. After every gruesome scene (so every five pages or so), I closed the book, put it under a pillow, paced around my room, then returned to the book, with a hand covering the horrible passages so that I couldn't reread it (even though my eyes would invariably trail towards words like "nail gun").
Now that I am done, I am afraid of Yuppies. I'm also afraid of the cover of the book itself. Because being the rocket scientist I am, I read the book AT NIGHT when I was ALONE and had the following conversation with the book cover:
Mallory: Eep!
Book: Well, hello, there. Look at the smug way I furrow my brow. I am planning on killing you.
Mallory: AHHHHH!
I then placated myself by remembering that Bret Easton Ellis is just an odd man who looks like Richard Nixon and that the book couldn't actually come after me. It's still under a blanket, though, just in case.
C is for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
I enjoy the original version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but there is something disturbing about the remake, starring Johnny Depp. I mean, the story has always been somewhat disturbing, as Wonka is the littlest bit sociopathic; remember his dead eyes when, asked to call the police, he says in a monotone, "Help. Police. Murder". Ack! I think it also has to do with how unnaturally plastic Johnny Depp looks.
D is for Doug Savant
I will not get into the particulars of the Desperate Housewives finale because I know some of you haven't seen it yet (it was, however, awesome), but I would like to register my deep love of Doug Savant. He's so adorable and rather hilarious as Tom on DH and he was similarly adorable on an old episode of Melrose that I saw this morning. Any morning with Melrose is a good morning, seriously. I could watch that show for days...
Anyway, on both shows, Doug has sort of been an unsung hero, who wasn't as batshit crazy as Kimberly Shaw or as amusingly Stepford as Bree Van De Kamp (both played by Marcia Cross, hmm) or as smarmy as Michael Mancini or violent as Carlos Solis. But he's awesome! He really is. Also, he is getting better looking with age.
E is for Elvira
Elvira recently made an appearance at the Cannes Film Festival, arriving with Ashley Olsen. Oh, wait, that's actually Mary-Kate, isn't it?
Olivia and I have made our fondness for the Olsen twins known quite frequently and we worship at the altar of their lip gloss and movies, which cure a hangover like nobody's business. This is why I find M-K's appearance so distressing. I mean...the outfit is odd enough, but I'm now used to her version of ashcan chic.
What I don't get is why she looks undead. I mean, look at her! She's blindingly pale. It's like we're watching her die of consumption or something. And why are her eyes so creepy?
Run away, Ashley! Before she eats your sooooooooooul!
Mallory at 5/23/2005 10:14:00 AM
2 Comments
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at 1:02 PM
Rayanne Graff said... Gah! Now I love* reading Bret Easton Ellis's creepy, creepy books, but that cover? Damn. I did the hide the book and cover it with things trick as well, and I only had a crappy version with some cartoony-type cover.
(I remember when I first read it my brother asked if he could read it when I was done, and I desperately tried to think of excuses not to lend it to him, because I was horrified at the ever-so-grown-up age of 14, so goodness knows what a 12-year old boy would have felt.)
*And by "love" I mean that I read them, and then hate myself and have to bathe in bleach.
Why do we love Mary-Kate when she clearly hates us? She looks like she's dressed for a goth revival weekend.-
at 1:11 PM
CLC said...
Miss Alyssa is clearly using her, ahem, talents for evil and extracting formerly formidable pitching talent to use for her own nefarious purposes (read: an 8th season of Charmed.) Because clearly, that is the only way an series survives the loss of Shannen Doherty and Julian McMahon. I know everyone hated Shannen, but deep down, in a dark place no one likes to talk about, we all know we enjoyed 90210 (and,yes, Charmed) a whole lot more when she, and her slightly askew right eye, were around. Ooh, maybe she should date Carl Pavano.
Funny thing about American Psycho. The book has been sitting on my shelf for years, and through 3 moves and at least one dusting, has never been touched. Why? Because I have seen the movie - or at least I have seen most of it - through random 10 minute snippets during Sunday afternoon flippings through basic cable channels. And, I'll confess, it scares the be-jeesus out of me. Saw a trailer for Batman Begins this weekend, and while I like Christian Bale and I think he was likely a great choice for the role, I see him and I can't help think that the man wants to size up the thickness of my business card and then hack me into little pieces. Nail gun, indeed!