Tuesday, May 17, 2005
After School Specials
DON'T DO DRUGS
I recently hypothesized that Lindsay Lohan has gone over to the dark (read: ugly) side due to becoming too famous too fast. Almost like the brilliant Lifetime opus She's Too Young says: "She's not fast--she's just keeping up".
Now I'm beginning to wonder if Lindsay sold her youth to the devil in exchange for Satan wishing ill upon Hilary Duff. Which would explain The Duffsta getting cheated on by grotsky Aaron Carter with her BFF, as well as Raise Your Voice and that dreadful sister of hers who is like some sort of creepy appendage.
You'd think Lindsay would have the last laugh, but I don't know that this deal with the devil was worth it, because I swear to god, Lindsay Lohan looks 47. Like a skanky 47 year old, the type who hits on teenage boys at the grocery store and strokes their arm with her painted nails and Diamonique jewelry and smells like cigarettes.
And...is she wearing bermuda shorts?
She's just such a cautionary tale--kids, stay in school, don't date Fez or do drugs or date Fez or pal around with Paris Hilton or date Fez. Because if you do, you will look like this:
And nobody deserves that.
People should be using this as an after-school special or educational film, not the movie where Helen Hunt becomes addicted to angel dust, because I feel that Lindsay's ravaged face is far scarier than Helen Hunt flying out of a window while high. I hope I didn't ruin the ending for anybody.
(Incidentally, the IMDB shows that Helen Hunt was on Captain Planet as "additional voices". The hell?)
DON'T PROCREATE WITH LOSERS
Can you handle their truth? Britney and Kevin: Chaotic premieres tonight on UPN, and I'm already excited/scared. My mind can only handle so much bad grammar and exposure to message t-shirts and mens capri pants.
It seems like such a short time ago that Britney was wearing denim clothes with Justin and winning VMAs. And now she's got a ratty weave and is near illiterate. Okay, she was probably always near illiterate, but it seems like all she does now is laugh like a loon ("HAW-HAW!"), make stupid faces and say things like, "Can you handle my troof?" It's really quite disconcerting and, obviously, Kevin's fault.
DON'T HIRE YOUR SISTER AS YOUR PUBLICIST JUST BECAUSE SHE'S ALSO A
Just a few years ago, Tom Cruise was untouchable-literally, you couldn't get near him unless he was saving your life in a freak boating accident or whatever. The media worshipped him and the pesky gay rumors were pushed into the background due to Tom's scary, scary publicist Pat Kingsley, who is the publicist. She used her considerable power to threaten to withhold other A-list clients if need be, so the media backed off.
And then the world's tiniest cult member parted ways with her and hired his sister to act as his publicist instead. Big, big mistake.
It's never been more apparent that this was a bad move then now, when Tom finds himself in a bizarre relationship with Katie Holmes that mystifies everybody. With no Pat Kingsley there to scare them, the media is now calling these two freaks out on this bizarre romance. Even Best Week Ever is snarking on them, saying:
Dating Tom Cruise can actually make your hymen grow back
Oh, snap. Best Week Ever usually reserves their digs for easy targets like Paris and Tara, so if even they're going after you...oh, Tom, how the mighty have fallen.
Of course, Tom is too heterosexually in love with his heterosexual girlfriend to care about all this and, quite blithely (that's the heterosexual way) tells his sister not to mind these jokes, as he's capable of heterosexually laughing at them, being heterosexual and all.
CHOOSE YOUR HAIRSTYLE CAREFULLY
That may seem like common sense, but some people just don't get it. Like Viggo Mortensen, for example, who is under the impression that the 1970s porn star look is still in. It's not.
Nor is the jhullet. Why do you think Pedro has given up so many homeruns lately? That's right, because the activator in his jhullet weighs him down and causes loss of function in his brain.
(Incidentally, when the subway series starts on Friday, Jhullet and Kevin Brown, my other least favorite pitcher, will be squaring off. I am nearly dead of excitement_
On a sad note, the glorious Kylie Minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I love Kylie so, I do believe her brand of pop is absolutely perfect, so I send all of my good vibes to her for a speedy treatment.
Mallory at 5/17/2005 02:41:00 PM
5 Comments
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at 8:49 PM
CLC said... Mallory - like the new format!
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at 9:31 PM
said... Oh my God! Lindsey = evil. She totally sold her soul to the devil. Part of me thinks it's funny that she looks older than my mother, but it makes me sad. What is going to happen to society at large? On a second note, I am watching the Britkey/Kevin show... only there's no Kevin... wha?? It's just her whining about being lonely, I think I might even rather have Kevin, scarily enough. Oh wait, there he is... nevermind. That man is a caveman gone wrong. And I am on major allergy medicine, so sorry this is 80 pages long. I am beyond out of it.
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at 10:09 PM
Toni said...
Learned about your blog through a friend. Very interesting reading. Luv the template too. Will be back for more.
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at 10:19 AM
Rayanne Graff said...
Darling, I luff the new layout. Fab!
Also, Lindsay Lohan makes me cry. At least Mary-Kate Olsen makes her eating disorder and fashion disasters look cute, and she still looks 18. La Lohan just terrifies me.
I must go and watch Mean Girls over and over and remember the way we were...-
at 3:53 PM
said...
Any chance of me ever going too wild with the drunken orgiastic idiocy so common to college students in the upcoming year has basically now been destroyed by seeing Linsday Lohan on your site. I hope you're happy to know that your "scared straight" promo for college kids works, if nothing else!
-Fred