Tuesday, May 31, 2005

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

Badass
Pronunciation: 'bad-'as
Function: noun
Etymology: sense of "evil, morally depraved" is first recorded 1300. Ironic use as a word of approval is said to be at least since 1890s orally, originally in Black Eng., emerging in print 1928 in a jazz context.
: a brutal person unwilling to follow the rules of others

Wannabe
Pronunciation: 'wän-a-'bE
Function: noun
Etymology: Originally Amer.Eng. surfer slang, from casual pronunciation of want to be
: someone who desires to be something he/she is not
: Classic song by The Spice Girls

You've all heard these words before. Badassness is considered a good trait to have, yes? While being a wannabe (excepting, of course, the Spice Girls song) is not so much with the good. This struggle for cool-vs.-follower is acted out in every school in the world...and beyond.

The search for coolness is epidemic in Hollywood as actresses try to do all they can to get noticed as a Bad Girl. Because that way, they can be featured on VH1 countdown shows like Awesomely Bad Bad Girls.

True, there are some badass females in the world of entertainment, women that you truly wouldn't want to tangle with. Like reporter abuser Bjork or semi-psychopath Michelle Rodriguez, or how about the working assistant's most formidable foe, Naomi Campbell? Throw in Angela Lansbury, who could beat your ass, solve a mystery and touch up her grays without being late for tea, and you see what I'm saying.

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Badassness, much like it's distantly related cousin bitchface, is something many strive for, but few achieve. That doesn't stop them from trying. Do these pretenders to the throne have what it takes? Let's investigate.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

  • Keeps it "real" in tracksuits--> +
    Since they're J.Lo brand and hardly couture, she earns points here.
  • Spent the night in jail after being arrested alongside former paramour P. Diddy--> +
    Most wannabe bad girls haven't even had their drivers drive past a jail
  • Capable of a mean face--> +
    Would you want to tangle with that in a dark alley or even a well-lit, police-filled area?
  • Married to a corpse--> -
    Said corpse was also responsible for the reprehensible "I Need To Know" song.
  • Electric Bugaloo--> -
    It's like Riverdance with bling
  • Defecates on flowers--> -
    Literally. Flowers.

    Total Badass Rating: -
    J.Lo cannot seriously add "Badass" to her list of occupations (actress/singer/dancer/restaurateur/fashion designer/Bride of Frankenstein)
    Verdict: Wannabe

    JESSICA ALBA
  • Tries to prove her badass quotient with a profanity laced GQ interview--> -
    Laaaame. Remember that girl in middle school who'd try to up the cool quotient by cursing? That's what Jessica's doing here.
  • Literally has a bad (i.e., blasphemous) ass
    “I would go to the beach,” says Alba, “and my born-again friends would be like, ‘Your jeans are too tight! You’re tempting me!’ ” In church, her youth pastor forced Alba to wrap a sweater around her swelling posterior to hide her sin as he read from the Bible

    --> +
    Literally badass.
  • Honey--> -
    "I teach hip-hop down at th' centuh!"

    Total Badass Rating: -
    Not even her bad ass could save her. She's a wannabe, pure and simple
    Verdict: Wannabe

    SIENNA MILLER
  • Insidiously jacked the style of Kate Moss and has been hailed as a fashion icon because of it--> +
    It proves that, at the very least, she is cutthroat and brave enough to tangle with Kate, who can call up Naomi in a second
  • Slightly more masculine than her fiancee--> +
    It takes a confident woman to date such a pretty, pretty boy
  • Shares a name with a Crayola crayon--> -
    Crayola does not exactly scream "bad girl"
  • Totally lost her shit, screaming at reporters--> +
    GRRRRR!
    I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU DOWN!
    Don't fuck with me, fellas, this ain't my first time at the rodeo
  • Is not intimidating. At all. --> -
  • Had the foresight to wear Uggs, all the better to run with--> +
  • Uggs are so last season--> -
  • Flat hair--> -
  • Her bangle can also be used as a tourniquet--> +

    Total Badass Rating: -
    Close call, but no cigar, crayon girl.
    Verdict: Wannabe

    Try as they might, most actresses cannot elevate themselves to Badass level just yet. And they do try, so very hard. At the very least, it gives us fodder for entertainment. Because what is better than laughing at people?
    ****

    Pseudonews Story of the Day: Paris is marrying Paris. If they get married in Paris, I will vomit.
    Quote of the Day:
    "I have fantastic sex," she purrs. "My body was made for sin. But I'm not domesticated. I've never used an iron or a washing machine and I can't dust, cook or Hoover." --Jessica Simpson

    So she equates married sex with sin? Um...on top of being dumb, there is something very disturbing about her and it freaks me out. I blame her creepy dad.

    Mallory at 5/31/2005 11:05:00 AM

    1comments

    1 Comments

    at 2:01 PM Blogger CLC said...

    If the Parii get hitched in the City of Lights and then honeymoon at the Paris Hilton itself, then I fear there might not just be wretching involved, the world as we know it could spontaneously combust. Or maybe I am just a drama queen...

    BTW, you got me to thinking who might actually be a badass... and I'm stuck. Cameron Diaz, no. She needs help attacking the paparazzi. Lucy Liu, no. She's just scary. Scary and badass, not the same thing, correct? Tyra? I think Tyra might be, but then supermodel and hanging with Oprah might be grounds for automatic exclusion, ya think?

     

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