Tuesday, March 29, 2005

America's Next Top Model: A Primer

I feel that I have so much to write about, on important topics like my crush on Dan Abrams, the fact that Easter candy is now half off, my George Michael worship or foreign affairs. Just kidding about that last part!

However, I was all set to ignore those pressing issues--which I promise to discuss tomorrow--and squeal, "And it's ANTM day! Yay!" until I realized, about half an hour ago, that it isn't Wednesday. That was a heartbreaking moment indeed. I'm not sure why, exactly, I thought it was Wednesday, as I had quite consciously gone to my Tuesday classes, but the mind--okay, my mind is a scary thing and I've learned not to question it.

I am still going to squeal over America's Next Top Model anyway. I know that some of you rightly love it and others decide to watch shows like Lost instead, and it makes my head hurt. I mean, I know ANTM is on UPN and all and how that's not exactly a sterling character trait, but it's so good!

The show, as you know, is the brainchild of one Miss Tyra Banks, who created it in order to help others fulfill their dream of becoming a successful model and to entertain the world with the trials and tribulations of skinny bitches. While she failed miserably on the first count--unless we're counting appearances on Psychology Today as a sign of success...-she succeeded at the second to an alarming degree.

The premise of the show is simple: they pick 14 girls from all over the country, put them together in a loft (because, you see, close quarters maximize bitchery), have them take bizarre pictures every week (past themes have been underwater shoots, naked Garden of Eden shoots, shoots with a spider, etc.) and compete in strange contests and eliminate a girl every week until the winner is crowned. The winner, as Tyra reminds us every single week, will receive a contract with Ford Models, a spread in Elle shot by Gilles Bensimon and a Cover Girl contract.

The model must be gorgeous, the model must have a great walk and the model, we're told every three minutes, must be fierce. Nobody is positive what fierce means, exactly, but we roll with it.

Aiding Ty Ty in her search is a panel of experts. And Jay Manuel.

  • Janice Dickinson, who fancies herself the world's first supermodel is the zany, outspoken judge who takes great pleasure in telling the girls that their picture makes it look like they have a penis or that they look like Jay Leno. Janice was once super hot but has plastic surgeried herself into a crone of sorts. However, that does not detract from her fabulousness and apparently VH1 agrees, because she will be on the next installment of The Surreal Life! Oh, happy day!
  • Nigel Barker is hot and British. He's also allegedly a world-renowned photographer, but when faced with the hotness and Britishness, nobody pays attention to that.
  • Nole Marin is a bitchy stylist, with an omnipresent dog named Empress Minnie. He often insinuates that Empress Minnie can do a better job than the wannabes. That may be true, but it doesn't make me like him.
  • J. Alexander is a runway diva who teaches the girls how to strut their stuff on the catwalk. He's probably the only person on the panel who gives real advice and he's also hilarious, like when he told Michelle (more on her later), that she walks like she has spina bifida.
  • Then there's Jay Manuel, the director of all the shoots, who is orange and dim, and whose career serves as a constant reminder that someone in the fate department hates me. For every minute of screentime Jay has, I find myself screaming, "Shut uuuuuup!" at the television and my neighbors think there's something wrong with me.

    Every week, the girls are judged on a challenge, their photo and a strange task that they have to complete in front of the panel which has, in the past, included things like walking down a runway in a potato sack. I am not making that up. And every week, Tyra says, in a solemn voice, "There stands before me [# of contestants] beatiful women, but I only have in my hand [# of contestants - 1] photos. These photos represent who is still in the running to becoming America's Next Top Model". It's rather awesome.

    So you're probably saying to yourself, "This show is all about the wannabes! Tell me more about them!" Or perhaps you're saying to yourself, "I need a cookie". Whatev.

    The show has already eliminated three models-Brita, for being old and fat (old and fat in model world, that is-she was 25 and 140 pounds or so); Sarah, for being matronly and blessed with the worst walk in all of humanity; and Brandy, for being a megabitch. So now we're down to eleven:

    Brittany
    Brittany is the most conventionally hot of the contestants and has come under criticism from the panel for being overtly sexy, due to her patented open mouth pose that Tyra said is better fit for a XXX video (the porn, not the Vin Diesel). However, Brittany is a big dork in her day-to-day life and doesn't seem exceedingly porny. Hyper and annoying, yes; porny, no.

    Christina
    Christina has really manic, crazy eyes sometimes, but when she doesn't, I have to say that I have a soft spot for her, because she has the same features I do-big eyes, a small mouth and a big forehead-but turned up to eleven. Fiveheads have to stick together, you know? I think she's sort of scary looking, but she's also really photogenic.

    Kahlen
    Kahlen looks like Taryn Manning's more respectable cousin or something. She claimed, in her audition, to never have seen ANTM before. She's from Oklahoma and, in one episode, explained, "We have shoes in Oklahoma..." Thank you, Kahlen, for clearing that up. In the makeover episode, they gave her a weave and she has no idea how to take care of it, because in candids, it looks...it looks bad. Obviously, they don't have weaves in Oklahoma.

    Keenyah
    Keenyah chose modeling over med school because she'd reach more people that way. I know. She also takes a really good picture.

    Lluvy

    Lluvy is the most unconventional looking of the models. She looks like a cartoon character. Tyra says she looks like Shelley Duvall and, oddly, meant it as a compliment; I think she looks more like an animated chipmunk. She also took the worst picture in ANTM history, according to the panel, but I say that the odds were against her due to her lipstick and the METRIC TON OF SEQUINS PLASTERED ON HER FACE. I blame Jay Manuel.

    Michelle
    What to say about Michelle that hasn't been said already...well, the girl is a wrestler. That's her job. She came out as bisexual recently. She's the girl Janice thinks looks like Jay Leno and the one that Nole called Michelle-Michael. Aaaaand, as if that weren't enough drama, she gets a flesh-eating disease in this week's episode!

    Naima
    Naima is a favorite amongst viewers and has a nice, normal personality. And a mohawk. I also think she looks like Jennifer Lopez-which is a good thing, I think J. Lo is pretty. Naima is a dancer. There's really not much to say about her.

    Noelle
    Noelle is boring. She has endometriosis. She looks like the prettiest girl working at CVS. She needs to be eliminated, like, soon because she's so boring.

    Rebecca
    Rebecca is very pretty in a very conventional way, but I will love her forever for fainting dramatically at panel. Truly a classic television moment.

    Tatiana
    Tatiana is an odd case. She's the youngest in the house and the only one who is the right age to become a model. She nearly got into it with Brandy who threatened to "tear [her] ass up. [Her] ass would be to' up". She has a really weird face--Nigel compared her to Pugsley--where all of her features are kind of smushed together, and she has teensy teeth. However, she's very photogenic.

    Tiffany
    Tiffany is the queen of ANTM-nay, the queen of Reality TV. Tiffany, you'll remember, is the model who famously said, last season, "Skank ho poured beer on my weave!" And she's back, after going through anger management. But she's no less hilarious, providing us with dramatic soundbites like "All y'all bitches evil!" and throwing up in her seat at a restaurant after downing four glasses of wine. She's insanely entertaining and also takes good pictures. The best of both worlds!

    I have no idea at this point in time who will win, but I am confident that it will be awesome, because that's what this show is, awesome.

    Mallory at 3/29/2005 08:48:00 PM

    8comments

    Saturday, March 26, 2005

    Weekend Update

    It's, as always, a crazy weekend in the world of celebrity news and I am here to bring you the highlights, both good and bad.

  • Russell Crowe's band breaks up, which I'm sure would matter more if anybody actually heard any of their songs. However, Russell threatens to release a solo album

    from my heart and mind simultaneously about things that are important to me now, right now, in this time of my life, not when I was younger or dare I say it less world weary/wary, but now, as a 41 year old father/husband/lover/man


    Oh, dear. How about if we beg him not to? Or, failing that, file a class action lawsuit when he does?

    I'm not saying that actors have to solely be actors, because I fancy myself a hyphenate of sorts (well, if writer/princess/snob counts), but I think that they should at least have the decency to be GOOD at the extra career they embark upon. Nothing irks me more than a celebrity vanity project like Russell's music or Viggo Mortensen's crimes against nature that he calls poetry.

  • Jennifer Aniston files for divorce from Brad Pitt. No word yet on who gets custody of their highlighting kits.

  • Word on the streets is that Britney is pregnant fo' real this time.

    I have to say that I hope, with every fiber of my being, that this is true, because I am a selfish person and think it will be the most enteraining thing ever. Because the Cleavers, they're not; they're not even the Bundys. According to a source,

    "He calls Brit 'my lady-in-waiting,'" says the source. "Kevin knows he's not going to get a moment's peace from now until the baby comes. He says what he really enjoys about her pregnancy is chugging beers and telling Brit 'You can't have one!'"


    What a prince she got.

  • I'm sure we all remember the scandal that erupted when Chloe Sevigny gave Vincent Gallo a blowjob onscreen in Brown Bunny, because it's an image so horrifying that it's seared into our consciousness forever.

    However! An actor claims that it was his penis, not Gallo's, that appeared onscreen.

    I'm very disappointed. I was assured by the producers that I was gonna ride Vincent Gallo's dick all the way to Hollywood but it looks like I've gotten the shaft


    Best. Statement. Ever.

    Vincent Gallo, hater of all things good and clean, rebuts with

    I'm flattered that people are so overwhelmed by the size of my [manhood] that they would think it was artificial or a body double ... [But it is] 100% real ... I can prove it, and I will prove it


    ...

    ...

    Okay, please don't threaten us like that, we don't want to see it, okay? Just, ew!

    Hopefully this is the last time I will ever have to think about Vincent Gallo's penis.

    Mallory at 3/26/2005 02:05:00 PM

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    Wednesday, March 23, 2005

    Little Miss Know-It-All

    This morning, I was watching The Nanny in between classes, as you do in the year 2005, and it was the episode--I love how I'm describing this and one of you, at most, will know what I'm talking about--where C.C.'s brother tries to get Fran on Jeopardy and it turns out that she has a freakishly good memory when it comes to remembering random things, including TV Guide listings.

    And then I had to go to class, but the point is that I totally have that kind of memory. Some past conversations that I've had:

    Mom and Dad: I wonder what's on TV tonight. Is it a new episode of Seinfeld?
    Mallory: Yes, it's the one where (says the entire TV Guide Listing)
    Mom and Dad: ...

    Friend's father, on a long car ride in sixth grade: Let's play a trivia game. I'll give you $10 if you can tell me who the dead man in The Big Chill?
    Mallory: Oooh! Kevin Costner!
    Friend's father: Damn, I forgot you were in the car.

    Seminar Professor: This is sort of like that show from the 80s. You know, the reaaaaaally bad show about the private eye? I can't remember what it's called.
    Mallory: The Equalizer

    Let us not even speak of the span of time where I would recite all of the presidents, first ladies and senators on a whim. They were dark times, my friend.

    This is an incredibly useful skill, if I were going to be a professional Trivial Pursuit player or something. But other than that, the random, ridiculous ephemera of pop culture floating around in my mind serves no purpose. All it gets me is weird looks and it takes up valuable space that could be best used for something important.

    Really. I can barely add, but I can tell you all about Bijou Phillips's family history.

    I'm not sure what, if anything, this has to do with anything, but I felt the need to share. If you ever find yourself in desperate need of sports/pop culture trivia, I'm the girl to ask. If you need to borrow money, you can ask too, because there's a good chance that I'd count incorrectly and give you more than you asked for.

    ***


    I'm procrastinating rather amazingly tonight, as my assignment for tomorrow is to rework a scene from Hamlet into the modern vernacular and perform it in the coming weeks. It's not that it's hard, really, it's just that...I don't want to. My lovely and talented group member Shannon and I have zero motivation, which is, you know, not good. I've been staring at an empty Word document for, like, ever, and I'm sure you all know that it's the worst feeling ever.
    ***

  • Whitney Houston is back in rehab. Oh, Whitney. Crack is wack, yo!
  • 50 Cent is number one for the third week in a row. I just...I...I don't get it. I really don't. The man looks like a rat on steroids and has no flow to speak of. Is grunting and mumbling really what we want in a rapper these days? Yet again, the American public disappoints me.
  • An American idiot disappoints American Idol viewers this week, when incorrect phone numbers leads to the show's first revote. I don't watch AI anymore, so I'm not personally peeved about it, but anything that puts Ryan Seacrest on television for another day is something that we should all, as a people, be upset about.
  • Not so upsetting (get me and my segues!) is the fact that it's America's Next Top Model day! Michelle's secret last week turned out to be lame, though Rebecca more than made up for it by fainting. And this week promises the return of BeerWeave! Woo!
  • Rumors continue to fly that Nick and Jessica are divorcing fo' real and I continue not to care. I hope it's not true, if only because I don't want to read the endless US Weekly stories on "Courageous Jessica Braves Her First Thursday Alone!" and the like

    Mallory at 3/23/2005 06:56:00 PM

    3comments

    Wednesday, March 16, 2005

    Randomosity

    Today, I was attempting to be good and research for my thesis and all of a sudden, while reading about Baudrillard and Guy de Bord, my brain just stopped functioning. Like, I could actually feel my brain say, "Eh, I've had enough, I'm taking off" followed by "..."

    I'm thinking that's not so good.

    "Not so good" has been a common theme in the world lately, hasn't it?

    50 Cent has the number one album, selling an absurd amount of copies since its release. Okay, when will people learn? 50 Cent? IS NOT GOOD. If I may be frank, the man is whack, with no flow to speak of. Also, he's frightening and looks like some sort of rodent on steroids. He unleashed G-Unit on the world and was responsible for the tragedy known as "P.I.M.P" and for that he should be shunned, not rewarded with album sales. I am consistently disappointed in the general public.

    And then George W. Bush goes ahead and nominates Wolfowitz for head of the World Bank? Jigga WHAT? I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable living in a world where Bono isn't the most ridiculous candidate for that position.

    And then Britney Spears continues her ill-advised habit of giving interviews, weighing in on the Michael Jackson saga in the latest issue of Allure:

    He needs someone to be like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'


    That's...what does that even mean? It's like some sort of creepy, violent Mr. Potato Head scenario she has going on in her head.

    Some peope just shouldn't use words. Britney is one of them. This is not to say that I don't appreciate Britney, because I do (for my money, "Toxic" and "Slave 4 U" cannot be topped), but really, what she needs to do is just stop speaking in public about her art, about her life, about anything. She should be muzzled when she's near a reporter, because, quite honestly, hearing sentences like that makes me dumber and I can't stand to lose the few smarts I am clinging on to.

    Speaking of Allure, why has it sucked so bad? You'd think that a magazine devoted solely to cosmetics would be nonstop perfection all the time, and yet, they manage to fuck it up. Their recent cover models--Britney, Ashley Judd, Ashlee Simpson--have left lots to be desired and haven't even had the decency to look good on the cover. Those bitches!

    They did get it right with Mischa Barton, though. I will not hear any criticism of the fair Miss Barton so don't even start, okay? Because I won't listen. She's gorgeous and she's entertaining and I love her, so please.

    Speaking of...uh, nothing, I've been informed that I need to start my job search in earnest. Which is hilarious, because...well, no, it's not so much with the hilarious. And my parents weren't really pleased with my reasons for not getting right on it, that consisted mostly of, "I don't want to, really".

    It's not that I'm unqualified for jobs, per se, it's more that I have no desire to do real work, but I am all about getting paid. Are there any jobs like that out there? Does somebody want to hire me to tell them stories about random things, or perhaps organize their office, because I'm good at that? Think about it!

    And tonight is America's Next Top Model! Yaaaay! I'm hoping that it's the episode where Michelle reveals that she is, in fact, a man. There is so some Crying Game action going on with her. I love this show.

    Mallory at 3/16/2005 08:12:00 PM

    1comments

    Friday, March 11, 2005

    Confessions of a Lifetime Movie Maven

    Last night, I did what everybody should be doing at 10 pm on Thursday nights, which is watch Without a Trace, currently one of the best shows on TV (and tied with The Daily Show for my favorite). Seriously. If you're still watching ER..what the hell, folks? That show died, like a million years ago. Without a Trace is glorious! Anthony LaPaglia rocks! Poppy Montgomery is lovely! I'm in love with Enrique Murciano! Eric Close is cute, too! And also, Marianne Jean-Baptiste is on it! Recipe for success!

    (Confidential to Catherine, my darling across the Atlantic--Danny did not wear a wire, nor did he wear glasses. I'm thinking I need to start that protest at CBS headquarters!)

    So, yes, Without a Trace deals with missing people and the FBI looking to find them. AND! The missing person on last night's show? Was one Mr. Lochlyn Munro.

    !!!!

    Okay, that name may mean little to any of you, but he's, like, in everything, including some of the greatest television movies of all time, including

  • Moment of Truth: Broken Pledges
  • Justice for Annie: A Moment of Truth Movie
  • When Friendship Kills
  • Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
  • Moment of Truth: Stand Against Fear
  • A Champion's Fight: A Moment of Truth Movie
  • I Know What You Did

    It's a resume that most actors would kill for.

    I suppose it's time that I should admit a secret, although, in light of some of my more embarrassing confessions here, this one's rather tame--I am hopelessly addicted to tv movies on Lifetime (Television for Women). They're so incredibly trashy and poorly acted and entertaining, and I really could sit in front of the tv all day and watch them and if there is a marathon, I have been known to do just that.

    Some of the genre's best include (with their IMDB plot summary):

  • Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?, starring Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei.
    Laurel has the boyfriend of her dreams, Kevin. He can and will do anything for her. He is totally devoted to her but the downside is that he won't leave her alone. When she tries to get some distance he responds with aggressiveness. It finally dawns on Laurel that he is not good for her. Laurel's mother Jessica has already started to suspect that something is wrong with his background.

    Scandalous!
  • Coed Call Girl, starring Tori Spelling, Jeri Ryan and Barry Watson.
    Thanks to a roommate's practical joke, bookish college student Joanna Halbert finds herself signed up with a Malibu-based escort service. Her initial annoyance turns to curiosity when she visits the boss's beach house - and she is soon captivated by the seemingly glamorous lifestyle of working as a high-class escort. Before long, however, she realises that glitz and money go hand in hand with exploitation and sleaze . . . and it may be too late to get out.

  • A Killer Among Friends starring Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen and Patty Duke.
    Jenny Monroe is the perfect daughter. One day she foes out with her friends and does not return. Later, the police arrive to tell her mother she has been found dead. Jean Monroe sets about a furious work through of grief in determination to find her daughters killer. The horrifying truth about Jennys final moments are shocking and disturbing.

  • And Negi's favorite, She's Too Young with the brilliant tagline,
    To fit In, you've gotta put out


    So you might be asking yourself, "How could I EVER create a movie so brilliant?" It's a daunting task, to be sure, but easier than you'd think!

    To create the world's best Lifetime movie, you need to start with a provocative sounding title that you get by playing Mad Libs.

    (Verb)--> (Preposition)--> (Noun)

    Sleep--> Under--> Death

    or perhaps

    Fight-->Against-->Sex

    And then follow it up with a Lifetime tagline, like, "A Lifetime Moment of Truth Movie", or "Based on a chilling true story", so you'd wind up with:

  • Based on the chilling true story of St. Olaf's very own angel of death: Sleep Under Death
  • Fight Against Sex: A Lifetime Moment of Truth Movie

    Brilliant, right? You're off to a great start!

    Next, you have to have some of the big-name stars of the genre. The Queens of tv movies, sure to be inducted into some hall of fame at one point or another are:

  • Tori Spelling
  • Kellie Martin
  • Judith Light
  • Meredith Baxter-Birney

    But it's all right if you can't get all of them, though you should aim for at least one.

    You should also try your hardest to get the aforementioned Lochlyn Munro to join your cast. He's quite good at playing cops or STD infested skeezes, and it's always nice to have someone so versatile.

    When you're creating your characters, it's important to remember that:
  • There are only single parents in Lifetime movies. Happy marriages are for squares
  • The men are usually the strong, silent types and always, always, always good with a gun, no matter what they're occupation is. They never miss a shot
  • There are two types of teen characters--those who have sex (and lots of it, those hos) and those who cherish their virginity and judge the rest of their peers for their hoishness
  • If your movie has a psychopath character, give him a vaguely creepy job like photo clerk, security guard or math professor

    Also, your character should ideally have:
  • An eating disorder
  • An STD
  • A terminal illness
  • An anger management problem (like a RAGE issue)
  • The perfect life--a great job/great grades, a talent for singing/cheerleading, a doting boyfriend and time to work for charity

    Next, you have to choose which scenes you want to use. That sounds fairly straightforward, but the greatest Lifetime movies include at least three of the following:

  • Scenes of teens partying
  • A message left by a stalker on someone's mirror or windshield (bonus points if the message is left in lipstick or blood!)
  • A big breakup scene
  • A passionate reunion scene
  • An artfully lit love scene
  • A montage of a character's downward spiral, accompanied by a cheesy song from the early 90s
  • A person being held captive by a psychopath
  • A breakdown
  • A child custody battle

    You then combine them--and it doesn't really matter in what order, as the plots for these films are never important--and voila!

    Mallory at 3/11/2005 01:26:00 PM

    2comments

    Monday, March 07, 2005

    Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five you better be out that door.

    The Old Navy Bermuda Shorts commercial, where the oh-so-cleverly sing "Shorts!" to the tune of the Fame theme song makes me homicidal. I generally don't pay attention to commercials and, as such, don't get annoyed by them too often, but this commercial is really wearing on my last nerve, and I find myself humming it after it's over! That's not normal! Also not normal? Bermuda shorts in the year 2005. I understand the retro trend, but Bermuda shorts? Are a good idea approximately never.

    At any rate, I didn't come here to write about my loathing of Bermuda shorts and related commercials. Of course, I also didn't come here to write anything of importance, but we mustn't pick nits.

    I should also offer an apology for being behind in my correspondence (how official that sounds! I'm far too pretentious to simply say "email") and I blame it all on my mid-winter recess. You see, I refuse to call it "spring break", as it's currently far from spring-like, what with the snow on the ground and the frigid temperatures, and also, I'm doing nothing of the Girls Gone Wild variety and, really, if you're not showing your tits to strangers for beads and a chance to get on camera, it's really not spring break, is it?

    No, instead my break, thus far, has consisted of reading The Great Gatsby for the eleventy millionth time, my usual L&O fix, planning how to steal all of Reese Witherspoon's handbags and accessories (just kidding, Reese! Not really, but there's no need to call the lawyers) and falling in love with Edward Norton all over again.

    That sounds so poetic, doesn't it? It wasn't really a poetic experience, it was more of me saying, "Oh, that's right! I love him!" while watching Red Dragon last night.

    There are times when I know I shouldn't love, or even tolerate him--like the commentary to Fight Club, for instance. He reminded me of Martin on The Simpsons, all "Pick me, teacher! I'm ever so smart!" and was an all around pretentious twit. And then his horribly rude comments after he broke up with Salma Hayek. Like, no, you don't claim that the girl you're dating is hotter than Salma because a)that's sort of prickish in and of itself and b)how many people on earth are hotter than Salma?

    Oh, and also, the fact that he dated Courtney Love. Courtney Love! That's just...cooties like that don't go away ever.

    And still, I just adore him. He has moments of being really sort of gawky looking, and it's at those times when he totally reminds me of the stereotypical English major, all condescending "I'm so much smarter than you and too talented for this shit", and then other times, he's quite attractive (not on the level of my other imaginary boyfriends, but still). Red Dragon was one of those times and was the high point of a movie that featured a terrifying scene with dolls, Anthony Hopkins doing his shtick, Ralph Fiennes playing a sick, sadistic blind man (who gets a hummer from a blind woman) and Mary Louise-Parker wearing the least mom clothes of any mom ever in the history of celluloid. Seriously, some of her shirts wouldn't be out of place on Nicky Hilton at Bungalow 8. Just saying.

    I suppose I should also add that I love Edward Norton because he's such a great actor. Because he is-even in the crummiest of films (did I just say crummiest?) like Death to Smoochy or,um, Rounders, which I've seen multiple times, he's really good. And he's absolutely marvy in other films, like Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club and the like. He's just an amazing actor.

    Also, he has a nasal voice, and I have a soft spot for people with nasal voices, as I was always afraid that my voice was as nasal as it sounds in my head (It's not) (I don't think). So there's that.

    This has been a scary time for me, as far as imaginary crushes are concerned--arrogant and pretentious, and short, asexual and OCD. Perhaps I'm in need of an intervention or something. This is what happens when football season ends, I just fall apart.

    Mallory at 3/07/2005 02:34:00 PM

    1comments

    Wednesday, March 02, 2005

    Law & Order : Celebrity Style

    (This is not a post devoted to lovesick ramblings about Detective Mike Logan. I'm sorry to disappoint you all that way, you'll get that entry another time)

    Now, more than ever, is a great time to be a lawyer in CelebLand, because it seems like everybody is being taken to court. And as a pop culture observer, it's way entertaining to watch.

  • Lil' Kim's perjury trial is underway. I have to say, I'm a bit concerned about Kim. The woman is like three feet tall, how is she going to handle herself in jail? Not to mention the weave maintenance. And will she have a plastic surgeon on call in case her cheeks burst or something?

  • Michael Jackson's people attempt to paint his accuser's mother as a crackwhore? That's...so very very.

  • God sends a man to stalk Mel Gibson. All I'm saying is that I've gotten emails from Jesus asking me if I need help in my quest for love, while He gives Mel Gibson a stalker. This proves, once and for all, that I am more popular in heaven than Mel Gibson is. Suck it, Mel.

  • A 6 months pregnant Denise Richards files for divorce from Charlie Sheen. I don't know, if a sex-addicted drug addict and an alleged former prostitute can't make marriage work, who can? I am so looking forward to this divorce, because something major must have happened for her to leave while pregnant, mere weeks after appearing quite happy together at the SAG Awards. I hope there is a shocking revelation and perhaps a public breakdown or two. Maybe Martin Sheen can handcuff himself to the steps of city hall when divorce papers are signed to make a statement.
    ****

    Also, today is a high, holy day because it was the premiere of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 4. Whenever I think Tyra Banks can't get more brilliant, she does. Beer Weave is back! And J. Alexander said, dismissively, of Michelle, "You know how I feel about no-neck monsters". If that's not the best insult ever, I don't know what is.
    ***

    Via Popdirt, the Carter family compound is up for sale! Sniffle. We'll always have Cribs, y'all.
    ***

    Speaking of episodes of Cribs, Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons had the best episode ever and they continue to be my idols and favorite celebrity couple. Kimora, who stands as one of the best reasons not to get a liposuction (seriously, what else could explain her hot dog neck?) will be in Vanity Fair. A look at what she has to say:
    ONLY a very brave woman should flirt with Russell Simmons. The hip-hop mogul's wife, 6-foot former model Kimora Lee Simmons, repeats over and over again in a profile in next month's Vanity Fair: "I will beat a bitch's ass." Kimora adds: "I don't play that disrespectful ho [bleep]. I have very little respect for those kinds of women. And if I catch you with my man, disrespecting, I will beat your ass." Simmons explains the marketing philosophy behind her Baby Phat line: "It's aspirational. They like my house, they like my cars, they buy my clothes — get it?" Got it.

    I sort of love her. Screw that, I totally love her. Kimora for president!

    Mallory at 3/02/2005 10:20:00 PM

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