Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Law & Order : Celebrity Style

(This is not a post devoted to lovesick ramblings about Detective Mike Logan. I'm sorry to disappoint you all that way, you'll get that entry another time)

Now, more than ever, is a great time to be a lawyer in CelebLand, because it seems like everybody is being taken to court. And as a pop culture observer, it's way entertaining to watch.

  • Lil' Kim's perjury trial is underway. I have to say, I'm a bit concerned about Kim. The woman is like three feet tall, how is she going to handle herself in jail? Not to mention the weave maintenance. And will she have a plastic surgeon on call in case her cheeks burst or something?

  • Michael Jackson's people attempt to paint his accuser's mother as a crackwhore? That's...so very very.

  • God sends a man to stalk Mel Gibson. All I'm saying is that I've gotten emails from Jesus asking me if I need help in my quest for love, while He gives Mel Gibson a stalker. This proves, once and for all, that I am more popular in heaven than Mel Gibson is. Suck it, Mel.

  • A 6 months pregnant Denise Richards files for divorce from Charlie Sheen. I don't know, if a sex-addicted drug addict and an alleged former prostitute can't make marriage work, who can? I am so looking forward to this divorce, because something major must have happened for her to leave while pregnant, mere weeks after appearing quite happy together at the SAG Awards. I hope there is a shocking revelation and perhaps a public breakdown or two. Maybe Martin Sheen can handcuff himself to the steps of city hall when divorce papers are signed to make a statement.
    ****

    Also, today is a high, holy day because it was the premiere of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 4. Whenever I think Tyra Banks can't get more brilliant, she does. Beer Weave is back! And J. Alexander said, dismissively, of Michelle, "You know how I feel about no-neck monsters". If that's not the best insult ever, I don't know what is.
    ***

    Via Popdirt, the Carter family compound is up for sale! Sniffle. We'll always have Cribs, y'all.
    ***

    Speaking of episodes of Cribs, Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons had the best episode ever and they continue to be my idols and favorite celebrity couple. Kimora, who stands as one of the best reasons not to get a liposuction (seriously, what else could explain her hot dog neck?) will be in Vanity Fair. A look at what she has to say:
    ONLY a very brave woman should flirt with Russell Simmons. The hip-hop mogul's wife, 6-foot former model Kimora Lee Simmons, repeats over and over again in a profile in next month's Vanity Fair: "I will beat a bitch's ass." Kimora adds: "I don't play that disrespectful ho [bleep]. I have very little respect for those kinds of women. And if I catch you with my man, disrespecting, I will beat your ass." Simmons explains the marketing philosophy behind her Baby Phat line: "It's aspirational. They like my house, they like my cars, they buy my clothes — get it?" Got it.

    I sort of love her. Screw that, I totally love her. Kimora for president!

    Mallory at 3/02/2005 10:20:00 PM

    2comments

    2 Comments

    at 4:37 AM Blogger Rayanne Graff said...

    I don't know why I'm always surprised when celebrities divorce, but I am - their lives are so shiny and should be untainted by stuff like love and feelings and not wanting to be together.

    Charlie 'n' Denise 4evah!

     
    at 1:51 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    If the next Kimora Lee Simmons spread in Vanity Fair is even half as fabulous as the last one...well, we are all in for a real treat! I can't wait!

     

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