Monday, March 07, 2005
Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five you better be out that door.
The Old Navy Bermuda Shorts commercial, where the oh-so-cleverly sing "Shorts!" to the tune of the Fame theme song makes me homicidal. I generally don't pay attention to commercials and, as such, don't get annoyed by them too often, but this commercial is really wearing on my last nerve, and I find myself humming it after it's over! That's not normal! Also not normal? Bermuda shorts in the year 2005. I understand the retro trend, but Bermuda shorts? Are a good idea approximately never.
At any rate, I didn't come here to write about my loathing of Bermuda shorts and related commercials. Of course, I also didn't come here to write anything of importance, but we mustn't pick nits.
I should also offer an apology for being behind in my correspondence (how official that sounds! I'm far too pretentious to simply say "email") and I blame it all on my mid-winter recess. You see, I refuse to call it "spring break", as it's currently far from spring-like, what with the snow on the ground and the frigid temperatures, and also, I'm doing nothing of the Girls Gone Wild variety and, really, if you're not showing your tits to strangers for beads and a chance to get on camera, it's really not spring break, is it?
No, instead my break, thus far, has consisted of reading The Great Gatsby for the eleventy millionth time, my usual L&O fix, planning how to steal all of Reese Witherspoon's handbags and accessories (just kidding, Reese! Not really, but there's no need to call the lawyers) and falling in love with Edward Norton all over again.
That sounds so poetic, doesn't it? It wasn't really a poetic experience, it was more of me saying, "Oh, that's right! I love him!" while watching Red Dragon last night.
There are times when I know I shouldn't love, or even tolerate him--like the commentary to Fight Club, for instance. He reminded me of Martin on The Simpsons, all "Pick me, teacher! I'm ever so smart!" and was an all around pretentious twit. And then his horribly rude comments after he broke up with Salma Hayek. Like, no, you don't claim that the girl you're dating is hotter than Salma because a)that's sort of prickish in and of itself and b)how many people on earth are hotter than Salma?
Oh, and also, the fact that he dated Courtney Love. Courtney Love! That's just...cooties like that don't go away ever.
And still, I just adore him. He has moments of being really sort of gawky looking, and it's at those times when he totally reminds me of the stereotypical English major, all condescending "I'm so much smarter than you and too talented for this shit", and then other times, he's quite attractive (not on the level of my other imaginary boyfriends, but still). Red Dragon was one of those times and was the high point of a movie that featured a terrifying scene with dolls, Anthony Hopkins doing his shtick, Ralph Fiennes playing a sick, sadistic blind man (who gets a hummer from a blind woman) and Mary Louise-Parker wearing the least mom clothes of any mom ever in the history of celluloid. Seriously, some of her shirts wouldn't be out of place on Nicky Hilton at Bungalow 8. Just saying.
I suppose I should also add that I love Edward Norton because he's such a great actor. Because he is-even in the crummiest of films (did I just say crummiest?) like Death to Smoochy or,um, Rounders, which I've seen multiple times, he's really good. And he's absolutely marvy in other films, like Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club and the like. He's just an amazing actor.
Also, he has a nasal voice, and I have a soft spot for people with nasal voices, as I was always afraid that my voice was as nasal as it sounds in my head (It's not) (I don't think). So there's that.
This has been a scary time for me, as far as imaginary crushes are concerned--arrogant and pretentious, and short, asexual and OCD. Perhaps I'm in need of an intervention or something. This is what happens when football season ends, I just fall apart.
Mallory at 3/07/2005 02:34:00 PM
1 Comments
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at 7:42 PM
said... Those Bermuda Shorts commercials are driving me mad! I hate them so much. The women's shorts are especially hideous, all tight and long. If you paired them with a poncho, it would manifest a fashion blackhole that would consume the earth.