Tuesday, March 29, 2005

America's Next Top Model: A Primer

I feel that I have so much to write about, on important topics like my crush on Dan Abrams, the fact that Easter candy is now half off, my George Michael worship or foreign affairs. Just kidding about that last part!

However, I was all set to ignore those pressing issues--which I promise to discuss tomorrow--and squeal, "And it's ANTM day! Yay!" until I realized, about half an hour ago, that it isn't Wednesday. That was a heartbreaking moment indeed. I'm not sure why, exactly, I thought it was Wednesday, as I had quite consciously gone to my Tuesday classes, but the mind--okay, my mind is a scary thing and I've learned not to question it.

I am still going to squeal over America's Next Top Model anyway. I know that some of you rightly love it and others decide to watch shows like Lost instead, and it makes my head hurt. I mean, I know ANTM is on UPN and all and how that's not exactly a sterling character trait, but it's so good!

The show, as you know, is the brainchild of one Miss Tyra Banks, who created it in order to help others fulfill their dream of becoming a successful model and to entertain the world with the trials and tribulations of skinny bitches. While she failed miserably on the first count--unless we're counting appearances on Psychology Today as a sign of success...-she succeeded at the second to an alarming degree.

The premise of the show is simple: they pick 14 girls from all over the country, put them together in a loft (because, you see, close quarters maximize bitchery), have them take bizarre pictures every week (past themes have been underwater shoots, naked Garden of Eden shoots, shoots with a spider, etc.) and compete in strange contests and eliminate a girl every week until the winner is crowned. The winner, as Tyra reminds us every single week, will receive a contract with Ford Models, a spread in Elle shot by Gilles Bensimon and a Cover Girl contract.

The model must be gorgeous, the model must have a great walk and the model, we're told every three minutes, must be fierce. Nobody is positive what fierce means, exactly, but we roll with it.

Aiding Ty Ty in her search is a panel of experts. And Jay Manuel.

  • Janice Dickinson, who fancies herself the world's first supermodel is the zany, outspoken judge who takes great pleasure in telling the girls that their picture makes it look like they have a penis or that they look like Jay Leno. Janice was once super hot but has plastic surgeried herself into a crone of sorts. However, that does not detract from her fabulousness and apparently VH1 agrees, because she will be on the next installment of The Surreal Life! Oh, happy day!
  • Nigel Barker is hot and British. He's also allegedly a world-renowned photographer, but when faced with the hotness and Britishness, nobody pays attention to that.
  • Nole Marin is a bitchy stylist, with an omnipresent dog named Empress Minnie. He often insinuates that Empress Minnie can do a better job than the wannabes. That may be true, but it doesn't make me like him.
  • J. Alexander is a runway diva who teaches the girls how to strut their stuff on the catwalk. He's probably the only person on the panel who gives real advice and he's also hilarious, like when he told Michelle (more on her later), that she walks like she has spina bifida.
  • Then there's Jay Manuel, the director of all the shoots, who is orange and dim, and whose career serves as a constant reminder that someone in the fate department hates me. For every minute of screentime Jay has, I find myself screaming, "Shut uuuuuup!" at the television and my neighbors think there's something wrong with me.

    Every week, the girls are judged on a challenge, their photo and a strange task that they have to complete in front of the panel which has, in the past, included things like walking down a runway in a potato sack. I am not making that up. And every week, Tyra says, in a solemn voice, "There stands before me [# of contestants] beatiful women, but I only have in my hand [# of contestants - 1] photos. These photos represent who is still in the running to becoming America's Next Top Model". It's rather awesome.

    So you're probably saying to yourself, "This show is all about the wannabes! Tell me more about them!" Or perhaps you're saying to yourself, "I need a cookie". Whatev.

    The show has already eliminated three models-Brita, for being old and fat (old and fat in model world, that is-she was 25 and 140 pounds or so); Sarah, for being matronly and blessed with the worst walk in all of humanity; and Brandy, for being a megabitch. So now we're down to eleven:

    Brittany
    Brittany is the most conventionally hot of the contestants and has come under criticism from the panel for being overtly sexy, due to her patented open mouth pose that Tyra said is better fit for a XXX video (the porn, not the Vin Diesel). However, Brittany is a big dork in her day-to-day life and doesn't seem exceedingly porny. Hyper and annoying, yes; porny, no.

    Christina
    Christina has really manic, crazy eyes sometimes, but when she doesn't, I have to say that I have a soft spot for her, because she has the same features I do-big eyes, a small mouth and a big forehead-but turned up to eleven. Fiveheads have to stick together, you know? I think she's sort of scary looking, but she's also really photogenic.

    Kahlen
    Kahlen looks like Taryn Manning's more respectable cousin or something. She claimed, in her audition, to never have seen ANTM before. She's from Oklahoma and, in one episode, explained, "We have shoes in Oklahoma..." Thank you, Kahlen, for clearing that up. In the makeover episode, they gave her a weave and she has no idea how to take care of it, because in candids, it looks...it looks bad. Obviously, they don't have weaves in Oklahoma.

    Keenyah
    Keenyah chose modeling over med school because she'd reach more people that way. I know. She also takes a really good picture.

    Lluvy

    Lluvy is the most unconventional looking of the models. She looks like a cartoon character. Tyra says she looks like Shelley Duvall and, oddly, meant it as a compliment; I think she looks more like an animated chipmunk. She also took the worst picture in ANTM history, according to the panel, but I say that the odds were against her due to her lipstick and the METRIC TON OF SEQUINS PLASTERED ON HER FACE. I blame Jay Manuel.

    Michelle
    What to say about Michelle that hasn't been said already...well, the girl is a wrestler. That's her job. She came out as bisexual recently. She's the girl Janice thinks looks like Jay Leno and the one that Nole called Michelle-Michael. Aaaaand, as if that weren't enough drama, she gets a flesh-eating disease in this week's episode!

    Naima
    Naima is a favorite amongst viewers and has a nice, normal personality. And a mohawk. I also think she looks like Jennifer Lopez-which is a good thing, I think J. Lo is pretty. Naima is a dancer. There's really not much to say about her.

    Noelle
    Noelle is boring. She has endometriosis. She looks like the prettiest girl working at CVS. She needs to be eliminated, like, soon because she's so boring.

    Rebecca
    Rebecca is very pretty in a very conventional way, but I will love her forever for fainting dramatically at panel. Truly a classic television moment.

    Tatiana
    Tatiana is an odd case. She's the youngest in the house and the only one who is the right age to become a model. She nearly got into it with Brandy who threatened to "tear [her] ass up. [Her] ass would be to' up". She has a really weird face--Nigel compared her to Pugsley--where all of her features are kind of smushed together, and she has teensy teeth. However, she's very photogenic.

    Tiffany
    Tiffany is the queen of ANTM-nay, the queen of Reality TV. Tiffany, you'll remember, is the model who famously said, last season, "Skank ho poured beer on my weave!" And she's back, after going through anger management. But she's no less hilarious, providing us with dramatic soundbites like "All y'all bitches evil!" and throwing up in her seat at a restaurant after downing four glasses of wine. She's insanely entertaining and also takes good pictures. The best of both worlds!

    I have no idea at this point in time who will win, but I am confident that it will be awesome, because that's what this show is, awesome.

    Mallory at 3/29/2005 08:48:00 PM

    8comments

    8 Comments

    at 10:58 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I really wish I got this show! It sounds like the best thing on tv!

    K

     
    at 11:15 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    That's weird, my comment didn't show up! Anyway, the show looks awesome and you are awesome! Great job:)

    K

     
    at 10:16 AM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Gosh - almost all these girls are nowhere near model-like, and some are just fugly.

    The ones on rubbish Brit show 'Make Me A Superrmodel' are better.

     
    at 12:36 PM Blogger Mallory said...

    Thanks, K.!

    Anonymous--

    I know, that's the strange sort of brilliance here. None of these girls has a chance in hell of becoming a top model (since none of them are 14 and Estonian), yet they're put through all these tests in hopes to succeed. It's so cruel and so wonderful. I truly think that the modeling is secondary to the drama here. And I love it.

     
    at 1:03 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I don't get this show (i.e. I get the concept, it just doesn't get beamed through the telly thingy), and what fascinates me is that they all look like refugees from the eighties. Even the lack of shoulder pads and distressed hair cannot convince me otherwise. An eerie eighties aura still emanates from them all...

    Catherine

     
    at 3:38 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Oh mah word (TM, Shannon Season 1) this show is so fantastic!

    Thanks for the rundown, B. I have missed this new season so far!

     
    at 10:21 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    hi, this is the first time on this blog - and i was wondering if anyone knew anything about baby-modeling or arizona modeling agency. I found a site about **baby modeling** and i was wondering if anyone had bought whateve it is that they want to sell

     
    at 4:28 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hi, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

     

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