Friday, March 11, 2005
Confessions of a Lifetime Movie Maven
Last night, I did what everybody should be doing at 10 pm on Thursday nights, which is watch Without a Trace, currently one of the best shows on TV (and tied with The Daily Show for my favorite). Seriously. If you're still watching ER..what the hell, folks? That show died, like a million years ago. Without a Trace is glorious! Anthony LaPaglia rocks! Poppy Montgomery is lovely! I'm in love with Enrique Murciano! Eric Close is cute, too! And also, Marianne Jean-Baptiste is on it! Recipe for success!
(Confidential to Catherine, my darling across the Atlantic--Danny did not wear a wire, nor did he wear glasses. I'm thinking I need to start that protest at CBS headquarters!)
So, yes, Without a Trace deals with missing people and the FBI looking to find them. AND! The missing person on last night's show? Was one Mr. Lochlyn Munro.
!!!!
Okay, that name may mean little to any of you, but he's, like, in everything, including some of the greatest television movies of all time, including
It's a resume that most actors would kill for.
I suppose it's time that I should admit a secret, although, in light of some of my more embarrassing confessions here, this one's rather tame--I am hopelessly addicted to tv movies on Lifetime (Television for Women). They're so incredibly trashy and poorly acted and entertaining, and I really could sit in front of the tv all day and watch them and if there is a marathon, I have been known to do just that.
Some of the genre's best include (with their IMDB plot summary):
Laurel has the boyfriend of her dreams, Kevin. He can and will do anything for her. He is totally devoted to her but the downside is that he won't leave her alone. When she tries to get some distance he responds with aggressiveness. It finally dawns on Laurel that he is not good for her. Laurel's mother Jessica has already started to suspect that something is wrong with his background.
Scandalous!
Thanks to a roommate's practical joke, bookish college student Joanna Halbert finds herself signed up with a Malibu-based escort service. Her initial annoyance turns to curiosity when she visits the boss's beach house - and she is soon captivated by the seemingly glamorous lifestyle of working as a high-class escort. Before long, however, she realises that glitz and money go hand in hand with exploitation and sleaze . . . and it may be too late to get out.
Jenny Monroe is the perfect daughter. One day she foes out with her friends and does not return. Later, the police arrive to tell her mother she has been found dead. Jean Monroe sets about a furious work through of grief in determination to find her daughters killer. The horrifying truth about Jennys final moments are shocking and disturbing.
To fit In, you've gotta put out
So you might be asking yourself, "How could I EVER create a movie so brilliant?" It's a daunting task, to be sure, but easier than you'd think!
To create the world's best Lifetime movie, you need to start with a provocative sounding title that you get by playing Mad Libs.
(Verb)--> (Preposition)--> (Noun)
Sleep--> Under--> Death
or perhaps
Fight-->Against-->Sex
And then follow it up with a Lifetime tagline, like, "A Lifetime Moment of Truth Movie", or "Based on a chilling true story", so you'd wind up with:
Brilliant, right? You're off to a great start!
Next, you have to have some of the big-name stars of the genre. The Queens of tv movies, sure to be inducted into some hall of fame at one point or another are:
But it's all right if you can't get all of them, though you should aim for at least one.
You should also try your hardest to get the aforementioned Lochlyn Munro to join your cast. He's quite good at playing cops or STD infested skeezes, and it's always nice to have someone so versatile.
When you're creating your characters, it's important to remember that:
Also, your character should ideally have:
Next, you have to choose which scenes you want to use. That sounds fairly straightforward, but the greatest Lifetime movies include at least three of the following:
You then combine them--and it doesn't really matter in what order, as the plots for these films are never important--and voila!
Mallory at 3/11/2005 01:26:00 PM
2 Comments
-
at 3:56 PM
said... I am currently engaged in a marathon viewing session of the season one DVDs of Without A Trace, catching up with the few episodes that I missed. I really am beginning to suspect that there is a shifty and shirty CBS conspiracy afoot against you, having now seen that even Anthony LaPaglia is briefly bare-chested in the first series' finale. This leaves Danny the only male character without a shirtless scene (discrimination, I hear you roar!). Also, having stumbled across the spoiler relating to Vivian's illness, I can say that it was an opportunity squandered: had Danny been given the heart condition, there would have been ample occasion for chest-tapping and stethoscopes. Also, he'd probably have been forced back to desk duty; hence more paperwork, hence failing eyesight, hence...
...glasses! (Possibly of a delicate, silver-rimmed variety.)
Catherine-
at 4:48 PM
said...
BFF of 10+ years--YOU ARE AWESOME...hehe, the Lifetime thing is SO true. And yet, I could watch it all day. Allll day.
I knew I liked you for some reason. It is because you are funny. And that is it. We aren't really friends, my parents just pay for me to be comically entertained.
Love you Gwen:)