Saturday, July 23, 2005
Betrayal
Is it possible to feel betrayed by someone you don't know, whose betrayal had nothing to do with you or anyone you know? Because that's the sort of emotional upheaval I'm going through right now, in light of the week's breaking news development that Jude Law is, in fact, a big old horndog.
My thought process on this scandal went something like this--
1. Ew, the nanny? How gauche.
2. Why would you cheat on Sienna Miller? Don't most men normally cheat to get with the 23 year old blonde?
3. I'd never have to deal with this with Ewan McGregor
4. That heffa of a nanny is ruining the name Daisy for me
The stories started flying fast. Cribbing from the plot of Alfie, they had sex on a pool table, among other places, before being walked in on by one of his kids. Um? While horrifically skeezy, it did lead to possibly the best headline of all time. First, Jude allegedly blamed Sienna:
'Rather than feeling guilty and contrite he has turned the whole thing against Sienna,' said one. 'He said if she is not partying she is sleeping and he completely blames her for what he has done. 'He told her, "I told you I was unhappy. I told you I needed you to be there for me. Why didn't you listen to me?" '
Then, Sienna took off her engagement ring, while Jude Law's ex Sadie Frost offered her support, while it was reported that homewrecking heffa Daisy draws the line at threesomes. Sleeping with an engaged man is okay, but threesome are bad, mmkay?
Jude then apologized publicly for hurting Sienna which, homeboy, too little too late.
I don't get it. I mean, if Jude Law wanted to have sex with every woman in the free world, he could (that level of pretty has its perks, you know). So why, like four days after getting divorced, did he get engaged? If he wanted to let the freak flag fly, go ahead and fly it, but there was no reason for him to get engaged, only to cheat on Sienna.
The plot thickened. The world wondered why the nanny had a glamour shot but this bit of news from Holy Moly may answer that one. One may say that Holy Moly is not a reliable news source but they have never steered me wrong which is more than I can say for NBC (don't think I'll forget the 2000 Election so soon!)
Q/ Which ex-actress/knicker sewer with the initials Sadie Frost hired a nanny who after confessing to shag her ex-husband, suggested Max Clifford as a shoulder to cry on?
A/ oh.
(Max Clifford, of course, being a top-notch UK publicist)
How nefarious! I mean, I don't know that it's true, since the only thing I can see Sadie coordinating is a trip downtown for good ecstasy, but still. That is, in a word, delicious.
Oh, Jude. I always knew you were a scoundrel, but I thought you capable of rehabilitation. This is just icky.
Misty water-colored memories of the way we were
In a somewhat related story, how pissed was I to see Today covering this story, as well as Colin Farrell's sex tape and the possible remarriage of Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson? Maybe I was mistaken, but I thought they were supposed to cover the real news? Like, I don't know, say...Karl Rove?
Anyhoo, they had several people from Best Week Ever to come make "jokes" about these scandals and I once again railed against the unfairness of a world that gives those people a platform like that to be unfunny while others who are consistently amusing get no fanfare.
And speaking of unfunny, VH1-related people-Why, ESPNClassic, why do you employ the Sklar brothers on the show Cheap Seats? Perhaps I shouldn't go around so blithely admitting that I watch ESPN Classic on occasion. It's only to see the scores at the bottom, I swear! (And even then, I only manage to catch the scores for, like, cycling) At any rate--Jason and Randy Sklar are, quite possibly, the least funny human beings on the planet, and I say this with no exaggeration. They used to appear on VH1 shows occasionally, proving that my theory about the horridness of VH1 commentators is fully true, and they're not funny here. They're--it's like, bizarre how not funny they are. I don't understand how ESPN, who employs Stuart Scott, can give these two fools a show. Then again, I feel that Stuart Scott should have his own network, so maybe I'm biased.
But HONESTLY, TV Networks, stop polluting the airwaves with unfunny people. If I wanted to see someone lamely prattle on about pop culture, I'd videotape myself.
Miami Vice: Ew.
Mallory at 7/23/2005 11:01:00 AM
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Damn Dirty Hippies
Flipping through the pages of Vogue or watching a fashion show (or flipping through photos of such on Style.com) undoubtedly leads to gasps of horror and stifled laughter. "Who," you ask, "would wear that?! Even Gemma Ward looks embarrassed and she's getting paid to wear that!"
While design houses often use fencing and ribbon to fashion their new seasonal lines, you could always count on ready-to-wear lines and department stores to bring about reasonable alternatives. A year ago, the world was filled with pinks and tweeds and classics and we were all the better for it. This year, though, clothing manufacturers decided to continue borrowing from the high fashion folk and launch what disturbingly seems to be a renaissance of the hippie era.
From Nordstrom and Macys to stores like Express and Charlotte Rousse, the retro hippie look is plaguing the nation and I'm at a loss to explain it. For starters, the clothes aren't flattering. If they can manage to look wrong in Elle magazine being modeled by girls who are 6'1" and 98 pounds, how are they going to look on the average person? And the clothes are just-well, let's look for ourselves, shall we?
GAUCHOS
Who, ever, in the world would want to wear a clothing item that got its name from a South American cattle herder? Gauchos pass themselves off as being reminiscent of capri pants and pedal pushers, but while the latter conjure images of Audrey Hepburn, the former, in all of its wide-legged glory, can't help from being ugly.
PONCHOS
My nemesis. Unless you want to look like you weigh 860 pounds, you should avoid the poncho at all costs. Perhaps it's just my inherent snobbery coming out, but I have issues with wearing something that easily can be assembled out of a paper bag.
TUNICS
For when you want to have the comfort of a poncho, but you want to jazz it up a bit. I believe that most, if not all, wearers of tunics look pregnant in them. With the popularity of the tunic rising, I fear that a muumuu revolution may not be far behind.
UGGS
Still with the Uggs! Has no one learned?! Why are we still taking fashion cues from Britney Spears? And combining the Ugg fugliness with CLOGS? Sweet Jesus, it's a smorgasboard of ugly.
Honestly, it's highly upsetting to me. These are the real weapons of mass destruction!
In similarly sad news, Sandra Bullock was married.
Actress Sandra Bullock married mechanic and reality TV star Jesse James
That really says it all, doesn't it? James was previously married to porn star Janine Lindemulder, who he left while she was pregnant (and he later demanded a paternity test). Charming. How Sandra goes from dating Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling to this, I'll never know.
I know that Fergie being ugly is nothing new, but she looks like a burn victim on the cover of Cosmo.
To round this entry out, under the theme of "Things That Are Horrifying", I present to you this:
Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie Muniz has gotten engaged to his girlfriend, Jamie, whom he met in New Orleans this spring while shooting a movie, PEOPLE has learned. The 19-year-old actor's publicist, Cara Tripicchio, confirmed the news to PEOPLE, adding that no wedding date has been set.
The rep declined to give out the last name of Muniz's fiancée but said she's not an actress, she's from New Orleans, and the pair met in her hometown this spring while Muniz was filming the horror movie Stay Alive, costarring The O.C. and Entourage's Samaire Armstrong.
Muniz also is continuing with his long-running FOX comedy Malcolm, which begins its seventh season this fall.
1. Why?
2. ProActiv is not that expensive, Frankie.
3. Why?
4. Malcolm in the Middle is still on the air?
5. Why?
Mallory at 7/17/2005 02:19:00 PM
Friday, July 15, 2005
America's Sweetheart? Puh-leaze
I need someone to explain something to me. Go slow.
Why is Jessica Simpson famous and plastered on the cover of every magazine, focused on every television show and played on the radio every minute of every day? Because I don't get it. And I've tried to figure it out, too, by making a list of her positive qualities.
Which...no. Have we seen Jessica Simpson? All of her physical attributes (minus her height, because she is teensy) seem to add up to a Barbie doll and one would assume that it makes her hot, and the media seems to agree but, really...no. For starters, her jaw is terrifying. Also, what's with the addiction to tanning? Really, hideola. Her extensions often look ratty and she takes her makeup cues from the big book of pornstars by covering her eyes in eye kohl. Eyeliner, in moderation, can look fantastic, but she takes it to the extreme.
As a society, we seem to be obsessed with silly little blonde girls, like that adorably zany Goldie Hawn or Suzanne Somers (currently terrirozing midtown Manhattan) on Three's Company. Is it because we like knowing for certain that we are smarter than somebody in the world? At any rate, Jessica parlayed her chicken of the sea and buffalo wings gaffes into fame and fortune, even earning endorsement deals. Maybe it's just me--and I'm fully aware that I'm cold and bitchy--but I honestly have no patience for stupid people. Sure, it's funny for, like, a minute to laugh at how someone could be so dumb, but when you stop and think about it, this girl who is a functional (well, barely functional) illiterate with zero common sense is making more money than all of us combined. It hurts, doesn't it?
Her remake of "Angels" (what's with remaking songs that are like three years old?) was a crime against humanity. The girl doesn't sing; she screeches. Loudly.
Let's be real, you guys: Nobody ever, ever cared about Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. While most reality stars are hasbeens, these two clowns were never-weres. Britney Spears and *NSYNC were top tier, Christina Aguilera and The Backstreet Boys were a level down and then came 98 Degrees and Jessica Simpson. Remember "Sweet Kisses"? Didn't think so. So why, on earth, should anyone care that two Z-list celebrities got married? On Newlyweds it became evident that Nick could not stand his wife and her creepy ass family.
While she did start in Christian music, I mean family values in another sense--that of her love for her own family. You see, Jessica Simpson is the reason why Ashlee Simpson got an album deal and began her attack on the radio waves. And she's also the reason why anybody knows who Joe Simpson is. May I just remind you all of how creepy Joe Simpson is? Because he said, of his daughter's breasts, "She's got double Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!" I believe I speak for us all when I sob quietly in the corner.
So, to recap--she's not pretty, she can't sing, she's an idiot she and her husband are losers and her family is a freakshow. I totally understand why this girl is the biggest celebrity of the moment, on the cover of Elle this month and in the pages of US week in and week out.
Now there are rumors swirling that she is divorcing Nick and Johnny Knoxville is divorcing his wife and they are going to go public, on the heels of rumors of how they passed the time on the Dukes of Hazzard set. Let us all remember the ickiest blind item ever:
Which no-longer-newly-wed blonde had a recent affair with a movie co-star? (According to her friends, the jackass taught her to enjoy rimming)
And, I have to tell you, I still don't get it. Maybe I'm missing the Jessica Simpson gene or something but it's terribly, terribly unsettling.
This picture of Tom Cruise's son Connor makes me sad. The poor child could, at any moment, be maimed or run away and his father is too busy sucking face with Joey Potter to even notice or care. Also, who wants to see their father making out with someone? Ew!
I've mentioned before how much I heart Mischa Barton and I am so thrilled to see that she's back in the dating game, leaving this to get a piece of this. To crib from a played out, not-funny show: Upgrade.
Madonna and her kids appear on the cover of the latest Vogue. In my eyes, Madonna can do no wrong. I've stood by her through Erotica, Swept Away and Vanilla Ice, so it is no surprise that I love these pictures.
I've often wondered, when I think about Curt Schilling, if he thinks of himself as a)being Jesus b)being BFF with Jesus or c)being Jesus's right hand man. Either way, I hate him and I was pleased as punch to see him lose the game in the 9th inning last night. I'd have no problem with him if he weren't so smug but he is, so I hate him.
Also, on the baseball tip--if you're reading this, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball, just a word of advice: we viewers don't really want to see a multi-millionaire athlete be awarded with a Corvette as a reward for winning the All Star game MVP. Really. Not a good idea.
Does anybody want a Kenny Rogers dartboard?
And did anybody else have problems focusing on the Home Run derby? Because Chris Berman was crazy annoying and Bobby Abreu was up for approximately for hours and he looks like a troll doll.
= 
Lastly, in a shocking Mets development--Carlos Beltran went 4 for 4 and Mike Piazza hit a 3-run homer! I nearly died from shock. 2 on and the man didn't ground into a double play.
Mallory at 7/15/2005 01:25:00 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
On Couples&Things
Don't you love how I flit about for days, and always seem to update on a Sunday? I'll let you draw your own conclusions about my sporadic updates, as the alternatives (jetting about to Milan, being sued by Scientologists, etc) are much more glam than the truth (work and undiagnosed attention deficit issues). But here I am and that's what matters, yes?
Let's start with the most troubling piece of celebrity news from the past few days, which is that there are unconfirmed report that Britney Spears is expecting twins. Someone, somewhere, should urge The Barbi Twins to copyright...whatever it is that they do.
That news is upsetting and I urge you all to up the prayers for Kaleyley Lynne Sparkle Spears-Federline and her alleged twin sister Aurora Jamie Shiny Boo Spears-Federline. The highlight of the story is, of course, the fact that Britney is urging Kevin Federline to curb his spending. Hilarious. It only took her a year!
Pregnancy has turned Ms. Spears into an (admittedly money savvy) soccer mom. Here, she puts her hair up in a butterfly clip while wearing a dress from what I belive is the Jaclyn Smith collection at K-Mart. And I swear, I saw this woman at the deli just now (where, I might add, they don't sell Tic Tacs. What kind of a place doesn't sell Tic Tacs?!). Though she's better of than the hubby, who introduces a new fashion faux pas into his routine.
AND! In Spears related news, K-Fed's babymomma has been in the news recently for stepping out with Quentin Tarantino. I know, that sounds like a gossip item someone would come up with after a two week, acid-laced bender but, no, for real. That's one of those things that I can't even make fun of, because I am so weirded out that it renders me speechless. I mean, what does it say about Shar Jackson that she willingly associates with men such as Kevin Federline and the incredibly creepy QT? Vom.
There's also some exciting news in the world of Hollywood's other golden couple, TomKat. Katie is on the cover of W this month, which is a tragedy in and of itself, because the covers of fashion magazines should be reserved for supermodels, not Joey from Dawson's Creek, but anyway, it's nice to see that W is not letting the freakshow off easy, as the cover slyly refers to their relationship as a Cult Classic. Because Scientology is a freaky cult, get it?
Inside, Katie says
No pressure from Cruise, she swears: "That's really ludicrous because, I mean, you have to know Tom. He is the most loving, generous man who… first of all, he wants to help people. He doesn't put pressure on people. He is the kindest, smartest, most adoring man. It's a pleasure and a privilege to be with him."
That reads like a eulogy or a press release, doesn't it?
"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies, her beautiful green eyes focused on nothing in particular.
Um. Cree-pee.
The photos are weird. Here they seem to be ripping off a photo shoot that Jessica Miller did recently (and better). And she also does the chic "I'm thirteen and I have tuberculosis, let's get married!" thing.
And, in the last bit of couple related news, rumors continue to swirl around about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Is he getting a tattoo for her? Are they so serious that they are adopting a baby together, despite the fact that magazines have to use a poor composite photo of the two of them because they don't appear in public together? Is their relationship the reason that Jennifer Aniston collapsed on the set of her movie?
I could honestly not care less about the three of them and I resent their constant presence in the tabloids that would be better used for stories on Lindsay Lohan's downward spiral or Stars! They're Just Like US! pieces about the Olsen twins loving Starbucks.
Raven "I'm so popular I don't need a last name" Symone's eyebrows could easily be the villains in a horror film. And the apple doesn't fall far from the scarily manicured tree.
In lieu of doing anything that would possibly help stimulate brain activity, I have been watching a lot of VH1 and, shockingly, The Food Network. I say shockingly because I can't cook and I get irritated with 3/4 of the hosts. And when I say that I can't cook, I really mean that and I'll point to the time(s) that I burned rice as evidence of that fact.
VH1 has been playing a lot of their "Awesomely Bad" countdowns lately and there is this one girl whose name I don't know nor care to find out who is SO annoying that I have to turn the channel every time she comes on. She's simply not funny and there are certain songs, like, say "Blame It on the Rain" that you don't need to be really blessed with a comedic gift to be able to properly mock but she manages to screw it up. How is that even possible?
I've also started to like Kept not just as a way to pass the time/view in morbid fascination but actually like like it. Why is this? I don't know. Two of the contestants, Austen and Seth have amusing blogs, though my favorite, Maurizio, does not (he's my favorite because he has OCD tendencies and he wears a lot of pink. Kindred spirit and all that). On the last episode, Jon, who...I'm feeling charitable, so I won't get into it, was eliminated and he actually got a little montage of his best moments, complete with diagnosed with muscular dystrophy music playing in the background.
As far as the Food Network goes, I'm simultaneously intrigued/annoyed by most of the shows. Bobby Flay is an irksome tool, Giada DeLaurentiis has an alarmingly large head on a tiny body, Paula Deen is cute but her use of butter is worrisome and Rachael Ray and her constant attempts to make "Evoo" (As in Extra Virgin Olive Oil) mainstream is beyond irritating. Stop trying to make evoo happen, Rachael! It's not going to happen!
(Also, she posed for FHM magazine and it is the stuff of nightmares. She's lacking both sex appeal and a neck. Link not safe for life)
But my true television nemesis, who inspires in me such an irrational level of rage, is Sandra Lee, star of Semi-Homemade Cooking. The title alone is enough to make you ask "Why?" Her shtick is to make "delicious" food that a)is at least three quarters store bought b)fits into a color coordinated "tablescape" and c)matches her outfit and kitchen. She often teaches viewers how to make cocktails, knowing, perhaps, that the only way to make it through her show is to drink.
My most compelling piece of evidence is her recipe for the Kwanzaa celebration cake and I assume that I needn't go further in building a case against her. Innocent people are in jail and this nutbar is roaming free. It just seems so wrong.
As does the advent of the Major League Baseball All Star Game's Red Carpet Show on Fox Sports. What the hell? Is this going to be an hour of listening to people talk about how they're repping Nike? Or, worse, are we going to be treated to "insightful" interviews with Johnny Damon (aptly referred to as Cro-Damon by the lovely and hilarious CLC at Parenthetical Notations) and his wife, who still haven't finished pimping their wedding out to the media?
The fact that he and Manny "Oh, I'll just let the right fielder run over here and catch the ball" Ramirez are starting in the outfield over Ichiro pains me more than I can put into words. The rest of the mostly make sense (except for Mike Piazza and Scott Podsednick, like, really, what the hell?) so I can't complain too much, nor will I boycott like I've thought about in the past, but I will still register my unhappiness. Take that, Selig!
Mallory at 7/10/2005 11:11:00 AM
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Damn You, Geldof!
As many of you with television or internet access know, yesterday was Live 8, 10 free concerts all around the world that helped to raise awareness for African poverty. Bob Geldof, who I previously blasted for his blatant Spice Girls hateration, called it the GREATEST CONCERT OF ALL TIME a claim that I refuse to acknowledge, given that the Black Eyed Peas were on the lineup.
(Aside: Rumors are swirling [well, in Star, they are] that Fergie of the BEP is engaged to Josh Duhamel. Is this his way of coming out of the closet? Because I will not entertain the notion, for one second, that Fergie was born female)
Popular Thinking has an impressive, in depth look at the show(s) in question. There were many highlights, like Madonna singing "Like A Prayer" , U2, Madonna singing "Like A Prayer", Pink Floyd playing together for the first time in twenty years, Madonna singing "Like A Prayer", etc. But there were also some lowlights, chief among them the aforementioned Black Eyed Pease, Guy From Maroon 5 (Adam...Levine? Whatever) singing with Stevie Wonder (I have as much a right to sing with Stevie Wonder as he does, and I am tone deaf), as well as Destiny's Child. Beyonce introduced a song with a heartfelt message, explaining that the song was going to change the world, heal the people and take on a new, special, meaning. The song? Say My Name. Shut up, Beyonce.
The guy from The Verve, who I'm sure has a name but I don't know it and I don't care enough to look it up, sang "Bittersweet Symphony" with Coldplay as his backing band, which was on the awesome side, even given the presence of Chris Martin and his unfortunate face on the stage. I have to say, however, that his and Gwyneth's daughter Apple is the cutest ever. Ever!
Also, yesterday, Venus Williams rallied to beat Lindsay Davenport at the Wimbledon final in what was, by all accounts, an amazing match. I love Venus Williams, so I am thrilled; almost as thrilled as I was when she beat Maria Sharapova.
I have this enormous dislike of Maria Sharapova that is completely irrational and hardly even her fault, but I can't help it. I am increasingly skeeved out by the marketing campaigns that are focused solely on how hot she is. Yes, she's a very pretty girl, but there's something profoundly...icky about practically seeing up her shorts in a commercial for a camera or seeing her doing a "sultry" pose on ESPN The Magazine with the headline "How Hot Is Too Hot?" or hearing Mike O'Malley perv all over her in the commercials for the ESPY Awards. It makes me feel like a dirty old man, and I am only a 22 year old girl.
And also, she's annoying. In the ESPN interview, she mentioned how she wants to be a model and it's like, girl, please. Why can't you just play tennis? Christ.
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck were married and officially confirmed that they are having a baby. Their secret wedding (and that of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin) prove that it is, in fact, possible for a celebrity to get married without the paparazzi there so take notes for you next weddings, Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez!
To Ms. Garner-Affleck, all I can say is good luck and don't expect your husband to win any father of the year awards if he continues to look like this.
In TOM&KATIEOMG news, Scientology continues to be an exceedingly creepy factor in their lives. Consider:
SINCE Katie Holmes hooked up with Tom Cruise and the Scientologists, she's not allowed to be alone - ever. When Holmes accompanied Cruise to a recent taping of "The View," eyebrows were raised when she wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom alone. At one point, Cruise asked where the bathroom was and "took Katie with him into the men's room," an insider says. Later, when Holmes needed to go, "three Scientologists followed her in." A rep for "The View" said, "We don't follow guests to the bathroom." Some were also concerned because Holmes "looks like she hasn't slept in weeks."
(From PageSix)
When not being stalked by her fiancee, Katie is constantly shadowed by a Scientologist babysitter named Jessica Rodgriguez. Jessica is constantly present in photos of Katie, like this. Just lurking. And watching. And being creepy. Although she has a nice purse.
Were one to investigate Ms. Rodriguez, they would learn that she is incredibly active in the creepy world of Scientology. From Hollywood Elsewhere:
According to a Scientology magazine called Source in reporting that Rodriguez "ascended to the level of 'New Operating Thetan IV' (the same as Cruise) in January 2004.
"According to sources close to the Church, this means Rodriguez has joined the elite group of Scientologists who've been enlightened with the six-figure secrets of Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted 'thetans,' or alien spirits, in earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago, after which they escaped and invaded human bodies...[Are they fucking kidding with this?-ed.]
"As a 'new OT IV,' Rodriguez has the power to 'control life, thought, matter, energy, space, and time,' [...-ed.] according to Scientology's official site. Rodriguez has the ability to spot any 'suppressive persons' who interact with her celebrity charge."
(Emphasis mine)
Um.
Does anybody else have an urge to lock their doors and windows and huddle in the corner? Or is it just me? Because there's creepy and then there's "Holy fuck, stop the world, I want to get off." If you'd like to read up more on the elite SeaOrg group, check this out, but remember to sleep with the lights on.
Perhaps my intolerance is showing but, okay, people really fall for that shit? I mean, I'm not saying that Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley are, like, geniuses or anything, but do they actually believe that? For real? Because when I hear things like this, all I can think of is a really, really bad scifi movie. And yet...people willingly convert to this religion. It boggles my mind.
In the "Oh, Snap!" category: Brooke Shields hits out against the world's tiniest hater of psychiatry. Tom? You got served.
In baseball news, Fug King Jay Gibbons lifts the Orioles over Coco Crisp and the Indians, Bernie Williams slides into 5th place on the all-time Yankee hit list in a rare win over the Tigers, Carlos Beltran makes a bobbleheaded play on Carlos Beltran Bobblehead day, and it looks like John Franco's career is over, just shy of his 150th birthday.
Mallory at 7/03/2005 11:13:00 AM