Sunday, July 10, 2005
On Couples&Things
Don't you love how I flit about for days, and always seem to update on a Sunday? I'll let you draw your own conclusions about my sporadic updates, as the alternatives (jetting about to Milan, being sued by Scientologists, etc) are much more glam than the truth (work and undiagnosed attention deficit issues). But here I am and that's what matters, yes?
Let's start with the most troubling piece of celebrity news from the past few days, which is that there are unconfirmed report that Britney Spears is expecting twins. Someone, somewhere, should urge The Barbi Twins to copyright...whatever it is that they do.
That news is upsetting and I urge you all to up the prayers for Kaleyley Lynne Sparkle Spears-Federline and her alleged twin sister Aurora Jamie Shiny Boo Spears-Federline. The highlight of the story is, of course, the fact that Britney is urging Kevin Federline to curb his spending. Hilarious. It only took her a year!
Pregnancy has turned Ms. Spears into an (admittedly money savvy) soccer mom. Here, she puts her hair up in a butterfly clip while wearing a dress from what I belive is the Jaclyn Smith collection at K-Mart. And I swear, I saw this woman at the deli just now (where, I might add, they don't sell Tic Tacs. What kind of a place doesn't sell Tic Tacs?!). Though she's better of than the hubby, who introduces a new fashion faux pas into his routine.
AND! In Spears related news, K-Fed's babymomma has been in the news recently for stepping out with Quentin Tarantino. I know, that sounds like a gossip item someone would come up with after a two week, acid-laced bender but, no, for real. That's one of those things that I can't even make fun of, because I am so weirded out that it renders me speechless. I mean, what does it say about Shar Jackson that she willingly associates with men such as Kevin Federline and the incredibly creepy QT? Vom.
There's also some exciting news in the world of Hollywood's other golden couple, TomKat. Katie is on the cover of W this month, which is a tragedy in and of itself, because the covers of fashion magazines should be reserved for supermodels, not Joey from Dawson's Creek, but anyway, it's nice to see that W is not letting the freakshow off easy, as the cover slyly refers to their relationship as a Cult Classic. Because Scientology is a freaky cult, get it?
Inside, Katie says
No pressure from Cruise, she swears: "That's really ludicrous because, I mean, you have to know Tom. He is the most loving, generous man who… first of all, he wants to help people. He doesn't put pressure on people. He is the kindest, smartest, most adoring man. It's a pleasure and a privilege to be with him."
That reads like a eulogy or a press release, doesn't it?
"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies, her beautiful green eyes focused on nothing in particular.
Um. Cree-pee.
The photos are weird. Here they seem to be ripping off a photo shoot that Jessica Miller did recently (and better). And she also does the chic "I'm thirteen and I have tuberculosis, let's get married!" thing.
And, in the last bit of couple related news, rumors continue to swirl around about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Is he getting a tattoo for her? Are they so serious that they are adopting a baby together, despite the fact that magazines have to use a poor composite photo of the two of them because they don't appear in public together? Is their relationship the reason that Jennifer Aniston collapsed on the set of her movie?
I could honestly not care less about the three of them and I resent their constant presence in the tabloids that would be better used for stories on Lindsay Lohan's downward spiral or Stars! They're Just Like US! pieces about the Olsen twins loving Starbucks.
Raven "I'm so popular I don't need a last name" Symone's eyebrows could easily be the villains in a horror film. And the apple doesn't fall far from the scarily manicured tree.
In lieu of doing anything that would possibly help stimulate brain activity, I have been watching a lot of VH1 and, shockingly, The Food Network. I say shockingly because I can't cook and I get irritated with 3/4 of the hosts. And when I say that I can't cook, I really mean that and I'll point to the time(s) that I burned rice as evidence of that fact.
VH1 has been playing a lot of their "Awesomely Bad" countdowns lately and there is this one girl whose name I don't know nor care to find out who is SO annoying that I have to turn the channel every time she comes on. She's simply not funny and there are certain songs, like, say "Blame It on the Rain" that you don't need to be really blessed with a comedic gift to be able to properly mock but she manages to screw it up. How is that even possible?
I've also started to like Kept not just as a way to pass the time/view in morbid fascination but actually like like it. Why is this? I don't know. Two of the contestants, Austen and Seth have amusing blogs, though my favorite, Maurizio, does not (he's my favorite because he has OCD tendencies and he wears a lot of pink. Kindred spirit and all that). On the last episode, Jon, who...I'm feeling charitable, so I won't get into it, was eliminated and he actually got a little montage of his best moments, complete with diagnosed with muscular dystrophy music playing in the background.
As far as the Food Network goes, I'm simultaneously intrigued/annoyed by most of the shows. Bobby Flay is an irksome tool, Giada DeLaurentiis has an alarmingly large head on a tiny body, Paula Deen is cute but her use of butter is worrisome and Rachael Ray and her constant attempts to make "Evoo" (As in Extra Virgin Olive Oil) mainstream is beyond irritating. Stop trying to make evoo happen, Rachael! It's not going to happen!
(Also, she posed for FHM magazine and it is the stuff of nightmares. She's lacking both sex appeal and a neck. Link not safe for life)
But my true television nemesis, who inspires in me such an irrational level of rage, is Sandra Lee, star of Semi-Homemade Cooking. The title alone is enough to make you ask "Why?" Her shtick is to make "delicious" food that a)is at least three quarters store bought b)fits into a color coordinated "tablescape" and c)matches her outfit and kitchen. She often teaches viewers how to make cocktails, knowing, perhaps, that the only way to make it through her show is to drink.
My most compelling piece of evidence is her recipe for the Kwanzaa celebration cake and I assume that I needn't go further in building a case against her. Innocent people are in jail and this nutbar is roaming free. It just seems so wrong.
As does the advent of the Major League Baseball All Star Game's Red Carpet Show on Fox Sports. What the hell? Is this going to be an hour of listening to people talk about how they're repping Nike? Or, worse, are we going to be treated to "insightful" interviews with Johnny Damon (aptly referred to as Cro-Damon by the lovely and hilarious CLC at Parenthetical Notations) and his wife, who still haven't finished pimping their wedding out to the media?
The fact that he and Manny "Oh, I'll just let the right fielder run over here and catch the ball" Ramirez are starting in the outfield over Ichiro pains me more than I can put into words. The rest of the mostly make sense (except for Mike Piazza and Scott Podsednick, like, really, what the hell?) so I can't complain too much, nor will I boycott like I've thought about in the past, but I will still register my unhappiness. Take that, Selig!
Mallory at 7/10/2005 11:11:00 AM
4 Comments
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at 6:57 PM
Mallory said... Dean--Good call! Katie totally looks like the Corpse Bride. This entire debacle ooks me out, yet I can't look away... And you're right, Iron Chef is beyond awesome.
N--Unfortunately, Loni Love and her unfunny are permanently seared into my consciousness. I still have PTSD from the time she talked about Glo-Worms...you're right, it's the chick with the pointy chin who delivers her "quips" in this voice that you can totally tell that she's been rehearsing for, like, ever and it's soohmigodnotfunny. How do we go about explaining to VH1 that we need to have those jobs?-
at 10:33 AM
Mallory said...
And, just like that, Laura is gone from my Christmas cookie list. So wrong!
Hey, where's your boy Jeter at?
Val, did you just go there? You didn't, did you? Beyotch!
VH1 totally needs to up the talent ante, like, now. Because these people are bastardizing the word funny to fit their own evil purposes and it's so wrong.-
at 1:04 PM
CLC said...
Someone else has a secret Jeter crush? Well, I suppose only my love for Derek must be a secret as it kind of diminishes the power of my Evil Empire rants... I try to dislike him, but I just can't.
I too am a VH1 junkie. I would worry about the amount of Celebreality and Best-Week-Most-Awesomely-Everness I indulge in, except that it does happen to lessen the amount of Lifetime docudramas I watch, and therefore allows me to discuss my TV watching in public without fear of having tomatoes thrown at me. (Everyone watches them, but no one seems to want to admit it).
But all this talk of the VH1 commentators just goes to show, Professional Snarky Person is indeed a career. And, obviously, as you so skillfully detailed, there is certainly room to up the ante. Maybe there is hope for being paid for just being what I am after all. Oooh, Most Awesomely Snarky!
I find the Food Channel entrancing, just because of the amount of Rachel Ray they try to fit into one day. How many shows does this woman have? Why do they think celebrities, foreign folk, the viewing audience want to be around her?
I like Alton Brown/Good Eats... it reminds me of Mr. Wizard...
I have a hard time believing Ms. DeLaurentis eats any of her food. My brothers like to make fun of the way she talks. Now I can't listen to her without breaking out into peals of laughter.-
at 8:50 AM
Mallory said...
CLC--my crush on Derek Jeter is something that has been prevalent for, oh, ten years or so. I have stood by that man through dislocated shoulders, skanky girlfriends and that time Ruben Rivera stole his glove. And yet I get mocked for it all the time. Hmph, I say to all the haters, hmph! He's just so nice! And dreamy! And aww.
Most Awesomely Snarky would be such a great VH1 show. I hate all of the commentators and yet I watch (when I'm not watching Lifetime and reruns of Law & Order SVU, of course. I have no shame. Or taste, apparently).
Rachael Ray's allure mystifies me. I mean, I guess it's good that her recipes are so simple but...the channel is practically centered around her, which is wrong. You're so right about Giada, there's no way she eats and dare I say that her head is approaching Barry Bondsian levels. And your brothers are right about her speaking voice. It's like a boring monotone reminiscent of Cindy Crawford on House of Style that she adds to by over enunciating. "Ccccccccrispy!"