Friday, July 15, 2005
America's Sweetheart? Puh-leaze
I need someone to explain something to me. Go slow.
Why is Jessica Simpson famous and plastered on the cover of every magazine, focused on every television show and played on the radio every minute of every day? Because I don't get it. And I've tried to figure it out, too, by making a list of her positive qualities.
Which...no. Have we seen Jessica Simpson? All of her physical attributes (minus her height, because she is teensy) seem to add up to a Barbie doll and one would assume that it makes her hot, and the media seems to agree but, really...no. For starters, her jaw is terrifying. Also, what's with the addiction to tanning? Really, hideola. Her extensions often look ratty and she takes her makeup cues from the big book of pornstars by covering her eyes in eye kohl. Eyeliner, in moderation, can look fantastic, but she takes it to the extreme.
As a society, we seem to be obsessed with silly little blonde girls, like that adorably zany Goldie Hawn or Suzanne Somers (currently terrirozing midtown Manhattan) on Three's Company. Is it because we like knowing for certain that we are smarter than somebody in the world? At any rate, Jessica parlayed her chicken of the sea and buffalo wings gaffes into fame and fortune, even earning endorsement deals. Maybe it's just me--and I'm fully aware that I'm cold and bitchy--but I honestly have no patience for stupid people. Sure, it's funny for, like, a minute to laugh at how someone could be so dumb, but when you stop and think about it, this girl who is a functional (well, barely functional) illiterate with zero common sense is making more money than all of us combined. It hurts, doesn't it?
Her remake of "Angels" (what's with remaking songs that are like three years old?) was a crime against humanity. The girl doesn't sing; she screeches. Loudly.
Let's be real, you guys: Nobody ever, ever cared about Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. While most reality stars are hasbeens, these two clowns were never-weres. Britney Spears and *NSYNC were top tier, Christina Aguilera and The Backstreet Boys were a level down and then came 98 Degrees and Jessica Simpson. Remember "Sweet Kisses"? Didn't think so. So why, on earth, should anyone care that two Z-list celebrities got married? On Newlyweds it became evident that Nick could not stand his wife and her creepy ass family.
While she did start in Christian music, I mean family values in another sense--that of her love for her own family. You see, Jessica Simpson is the reason why Ashlee Simpson got an album deal and began her attack on the radio waves. And she's also the reason why anybody knows who Joe Simpson is. May I just remind you all of how creepy Joe Simpson is? Because he said, of his daughter's breasts, "She's got double Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!" I believe I speak for us all when I sob quietly in the corner.
So, to recap--she's not pretty, she can't sing, she's an idiot she and her husband are losers and her family is a freakshow. I totally understand why this girl is the biggest celebrity of the moment, on the cover of Elle this month and in the pages of US week in and week out.
Now there are rumors swirling that she is divorcing Nick and Johnny Knoxville is divorcing his wife and they are going to go public, on the heels of rumors of how they passed the time on the Dukes of Hazzard set. Let us all remember the ickiest blind item ever:
Which no-longer-newly-wed blonde had a recent affair with a movie co-star? (According to her friends, the jackass taught her to enjoy rimming)
And, I have to tell you, I still don't get it. Maybe I'm missing the Jessica Simpson gene or something but it's terribly, terribly unsettling.
This picture of Tom Cruise's son Connor makes me sad. The poor child could, at any moment, be maimed or run away and his father is too busy sucking face with Joey Potter to even notice or care. Also, who wants to see their father making out with someone? Ew!
I've mentioned before how much I heart Mischa Barton and I am so thrilled to see that she's back in the dating game, leaving this to get a piece of this. To crib from a played out, not-funny show: Upgrade.
Madonna and her kids appear on the cover of the latest Vogue. In my eyes, Madonna can do no wrong. I've stood by her through Erotica, Swept Away and Vanilla Ice, so it is no surprise that I love these pictures.
I've often wondered, when I think about Curt Schilling, if he thinks of himself as a)being Jesus b)being BFF with Jesus or c)being Jesus's right hand man. Either way, I hate him and I was pleased as punch to see him lose the game in the 9th inning last night. I'd have no problem with him if he weren't so smug but he is, so I hate him.
Also, on the baseball tip--if you're reading this, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball, just a word of advice: we viewers don't really want to see a multi-millionaire athlete be awarded with a Corvette as a reward for winning the All Star game MVP. Really. Not a good idea.
Does anybody want a Kenny Rogers dartboard?
And did anybody else have problems focusing on the Home Run derby? Because Chris Berman was crazy annoying and Bobby Abreu was up for approximately for hours and he looks like a troll doll.
= 
Lastly, in a shocking Mets development--Carlos Beltran went 4 for 4 and Mike Piazza hit a 3-run homer! I nearly died from shock. 2 on and the man didn't ground into a double play.
Mallory at 7/15/2005 01:25:00 PM