Sunday, June 26, 2005
Hollywood's Secret Fear and Other Stuff
A mere week after discovering the nefarious union of Tom Cruise and Whitney Houston, I have uncovered another startling Hollywood scandal that has to do with extreme prejudice and hate. Yes, it's true, I've figured out that Hollywood hates redheads.
I can hear you now. You want to say it's not true, that Hollywood is not so cruel and prejudicial, perhaps you even use Lucille Ball as an example of Hollywood's love for redheads. I tell you that you're naive. Sure, Lucy was funny and zany. But she was never allowed to be a part of Ricky's show. Why is that? Was it because she wasn't talented enough? Or because Ricky was just mean? No, it was because of her red hair. And CBS realized that nobody wanted to see the horrible hair broadcast in color, so it never happened.
You see, red hair is the product of a variation in a gene making red heads, to use "street" language, genetic freaks. Who wants to pay good, hard-earned money to see freaks?
The anti-redhead bias has become increasingly prevalent in the entertainment industry following the years Lucy spent being banned from her dream. Danny Bonaduce, the lovable redhead who lit up both The Partridge Family and crackpipes, became a washed up child star and had no job prospects or patience, leading to the assault of a transvestite hooker. Sure, redheaded kids are cute, but grown up redheads? Ew!
Following her fabulous turns in Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink, Molly Ringwald watched as her career completely slipped away. Tragically, she learned that France, of all places, was the only country who would deign to hire her. Could it be that America was simply sick of supporting a red-haired actress?
Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, was cruelly taunted in the press as the "Duchess of Pork". What made her an object of such scorn and derision? Could it be...her hair? Or what about Julianne Moore, the most talented actress currently working. She's never won an Academy Award, despite being deserving of several. Yes, it's true...Robin Williams and Kim Basinger have Oscars, but Julianne? Nada. Then there's Cynthia Nixon, who played Miranda on Sex and the City, AKA the character who always seemed to be in a sex drought or paired up with the biggest losers imaginable.
In the modeling world, Glamour waited until the mid-90s to put a redhead on its cover, choosing to highlight Angie Everhart. Sadly, Angie has felt the redhead bias, being forced to settle for such awful paramours as Sly Stallone and Ashley Hamilton. Similarly, red haired supermodel Karen Elson recently married Jack White, the scariest man in America, while non-red haired models are with men like David Bowie, or Leonardo DiCaprio.
This theory, you see, also explains two rather disturbing stories: the scaryfication of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Kidman. Lindsay and Nicole were both blessed with red hair but have spurned their natural color in favor of blonde knowing, no doubt, that keeping it would lead to their being shunned by society.
I find it terribly sad in this day and age that the world is not more supportive of redheads. I hope to charter some outreach programs to help educate bigots about how beautiful red hair can really be.
Tom Cruise Watch: In case you missed it, Tom Cruise went shouty crackers on Today, sucked face with Katie Holmes for the paparazzi and sucked...[joke deleted to prevent a multimillion dollar lawsuit]
Even Rosie O'Donnell, on her blog, criticized her former #1 crush:
after watching tom on o
and then everywhere else
in the free world
i think i may need to up my meds
When Rosie makes fun of you...that takes it to a whole new level.
I don't know how many of you are in the New York area and will know what I'm talking about, but the commercials urging viewers to vote Jose Reyes and David Wright to the All-Star game are hilarious. They're patterned after World War II era ads and say things like, "Unlike other shortstops who hate puppies and children, Jose Reyes likes everybody!" Okay, I am not doing it justice and managed to rob it of its funny, but take my word for it, they are hilarious. Vote for them! Or at least vote for good people!
Speaking of baseball, is there anything better than Oh Say Can You Sing?, the MLB album? No, no there is not.
Truthfully, I am just saying that because of my deep obsession with Coco Crisp, who has the best name in the history of ever (Runners up: Milton Bradley and Nick Swisher)
Also, I've realized that the 2005 Yankees are proving, like the Bush administration, that too many assholes in one place spells disaster. Sure, a jerk here or there isn't that bad, but when you have Randy "Angry Redneck" Johnson, Jason "'Roid Rage" Giambi, Gary "I'll play for any team willing to pay and my wife had sex with R. Kelly" Sheffield, Alex "Slappy" Rodriguez, Kevin Fucking "Grrr Argh Let Me Punch A Wall" Brown and the midgety, yet rage-filled Tony Womack on one team, it's bad news. Also, Mr. Steinbrenner, what's with the old folk? Kevin Brown and Randy Johnson as the "aces" of your staff? Dude, they're like 90.
Mallory at 6/26/2005 02:12:00 PM
Friday, June 17, 2005
The Greatest Love Of All
Yay! After dating for, like, a month (I know, it feels way longer), the greatest couple of all time is getting married! Hooray! I don't think there are enough exclamation points in the world to properly convey my joy, which is bordering on hysteria! !!!!!!!!!!!
"Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman,"
Swoon. I've always wanted a midgety asexual cult member to call me magnificent and propose to me at...the Eiffel Tower?
"Yes, I proposed to her. It was early this morning at the Eiffel Tower, so I haven't slept at all."
He loves her so much that he's become an INSOMNIAC and wants nothing more than to broadcast his extreme love and commitment to Katie in front of crowds of tourists at one of the most famous spots in the world. Because it's not true love if you keep it private, folks.
I've become convinced that Tom Cruise employs Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All" as his theme song, for no other reason than that the visual of him sitting at his vanity, singing along with Whitney into a hairbrush, is terribly amusing. But the lyrics seem to fit quite well with his thought processes.
I believe the children are our are future/Teach them well and let them lead the way
Tom knows the score. Tom knows that the rest of the world looks to children for guidance and advice. And he knows that the wisest child of them all is Dakota Fanning.
"I wish them the happiest marriage that anyone has ever had," said Dakota Fanning, the child actress who co-stars with Cruise in the film. She sat next to Holmes during the news conference.
Did you feel that? Did you feel your skepticism give way to euphoria and optimism? Golly gee, y'all, Dakota's right! They deserve the happiest marriage of anyone EVER in the HISTORY of the world because THEY ARE SO IN LOVE!
No matter what they take from me/They can't take away my dignity
Tom knows that the haters are trying to get him down, but they can't take away his dignity!
On Wednesday the actor dismissed media claims that the relationship was just a publicity stunt. "I have to laugh. It's just ridiculous," he said at the European premiere of War of the Worlds in Berlin.
And we all know what Tom Cruise's laugh is like.
"HA HA! HA! HAHA! Fuck all the haters! Y'all don't know! Y'ALL DON'T KNOW!"
Because the greatest love of all/Is happening to me/I found the greatest love of all
"Something magnificent has happened to me and something extraordinary, and I'm so happy I just can't restrain myself"
He found true love! With Joey from Dawson's Creek! He stood beside her through nasty rumors that he had auditioned Jennifer Garner to be his onetruelove. He stood by her through her herpes outbreak. And most importantly, he stands by her for photographs.
He loves her SO MUCH, y'all, that he bypassed Neil Lane and Harry Winston and went straight to the jewelry counter at Wal*Mart to get a divine cubic zirconia monstrosity for his woman.
And if the world has learned anything from Bennifer and Paris Hilton it's that the bigger the rock, the bigger the love. All together now-awwww. He loves her! He really loves her!
Just think...soon, Tom and Katie will have a baby (I will offer no guesses as to how they will make that possible) and People will come over to interview the happy family, with the loving dog L. Ron sprinting around the backyard as Tom shares that he gets the baby to sleep by reading Dianetics and Katie smiles her crooked, almost stroke-victim like smile and says, "We couldn't be any happier".
Let us make a toast. First, to Tom Cruise, who has generously allowed the entire world to view every stage of this very special-dare I say magnificent?-courtship. And a toast to his sister/publicist, LeAnne, who urged her brother to have a love-induced mental breakdown on Oprah so that we could all share his joy and mock his insanity. And a toast to Katie Holmes, who so recently had just been known as the star of the worst Dawson's episode of all time and lord is that saying something and has been engaged to two men in the past three months. And a toast to Dakota Fanning, whose joy and exuberance have showed us all the true way. And a toast to Christian Bale, who is the star of Batman Begins and has to deal with all of this bullshit overshadowing his movie (and his good looks). If you still have any liquor in your bottle, make another toast to us, the lucky people who get to see this relationship blossom and thrive and, more likely than not, crash and burn on the red carpet.
Somewhere, Nicole Kidman is laughing uproariously, but nobody can tell because Botox has stolen her ability to change her facial expression.
Mallory at 6/17/2005 01:34:00 PM
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
On Breakups
According to Page Six and other illustrious bastions of journalism like Matt Drudge(which...I know, okay? I know), Jennifer Aniston breaks her vow of silence and comments on the dissolution of her marriage to Vanity Fair. Some people opt for therapy, she opts for Graydon Carter.
THE mystery of the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston breakup has been solved, the NY POST reported on Wednesday. Aniston has finally broken her silence to Leslie Bennetts, who will write up the interview for VANITY FAIR.
Contrary to early speculation, "She told Bennetts she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue... The issue was Brad cheated . . . and she is appalled by the 'family photos' coming out in W."
Brad and Angelina Jolie posed with pretend kids as one big happy family in the upcoming monthly.
I mean, really. The media sure does love a good adultery story (Eddie Fisher and Elizabeth Taylor, Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan, etc.) and I can see why this would be a big deal, but the three central participants aren't exactly interesting to me. Yes, Angie is gorge, yes, Jen was funny as Rachel Green, yes, Brad...uh...I'll get back to you there. It's all just so bizarre to me because, really, all I can think of is a high school movie. Forget a sequel to Sixteen Candles, this is where it's at, y'all.
Brad Pitt: Captain of the football team who is pressured by his English teacher to join the drama club because his English grades aren't up to snuff.
Jennifer Aniston: His girlfriend; a cheerleader, president of the fashion club. Overtans and smokes in the girl's room (to stave off hunger pangs, not to be a rebel)
Angelina Jolie: Member of the drama club; intimidating; more of a badass than any guy in the school; wears t-shirts that say Don't hate me because I'm beautiful...hate me because your boyfriend thinks I am(Setting: School cafeteria during study hall)
Jennifer: Brad! I really don't like the fact that you and Angelina are spending so much time together. We're supposed to be planning our prom night!
Brad: Whatever.
Jennifer: BRAD! How am I supposed to know what color dress to get if you don't tell me what kind of corsage you're buying me?
Brad: Whatever.
Jennifer: Ohmigod, I need a cigarette. (Flounces off)
Brad: Whatever.
(Angelina enters)
Angelina: Hello, loverboy.
Brad: Huh? I...I'm not your loverboy.
Angelina: I know, just like those aren't my eyes you're staring at.
Brad: Uh...
Angelina: (Throaty laugh)It's just a name. We need to practice our big scene for later...(touches his chest) How am I supposed to be a good Sandy if I don't get up close and personal with my Danny Zucco?
Brad:...wanna go smoke a blunt?
Angelina: Oh, Brad...(rubs his back)
(Jennifer enters)
Jennifer: What is going on?! Ohmigod, you're cheating with her, aren't you? This is why you don't want to go to Seaside after the prom! (Sobs) I can't deal with this right now. How am I supposed to show my face in this school when you're sucking face with her onstage? It's just...it's, like, breaking my heart, you don't EVEN know. (Storms away)
Angelina: I should probably get to class now. I'll see you later (Winks)
Brad: Hell yeah!
Later, in an effort to cripple Hollywood High's production of Grease, Jen's friends all try to get people to boycott the play to save their idol heartbreak. Brad and Angelina show up separately to the cast party at Adam Brody's house, but they spend all night looking at each other across the room.
Coming soon to a theater near you!
The world was so close to one of the greatest pop music related events of the past half century. Naturally, I am speaking of the planned Spice Girls reunion that was to take place at Live 8, one of those "heal the hunger" things that Bob Geldof throws every once in a while to get himself in the news for something other than having a daughter named Fifi Trixibelle. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling Bob Geldof! Sir Bob nixed those plans, saying that the Spice Girls didn't fit in with his political message. Whatevah, Bob Geldof, whatevah! But Destiny's Child does? Let me tell you, Destiny's Child is breaking up, while the Spice Girls are putting the drama behind them and reuniting. What is more hopeful and political than a union? Nothing, I tell you, nothing. Ginger Spice was such a patriot, with her Union Jack tube dresses. She was showing her cooter FOR ENGLAND! Hell, freaking Vicki Beckham singlehandly supports the UK media by staging photo-ops and fake kidnappings of the Beckham family. THESE people are important, Bob! Geldof is such a hater.
Speaking of Destiny's Child, you have to feel bad for Michelle. I mean, Beyonce has her solo act down pat and Kelly is marrying an NFL player who I'm sure can support her when her money runs out, but what about Michelle? I mean, she's not even the most famous Michelle Williams out there, she can't sing and she looks 40. Maybe I can hire her to perform at my cousin's Sweet 16...
The Real World is set to take over Austin on June 21. I'm not a betting woman, but I predict that there will be lots of drinking and roommates hooking up. I hope it's marginally more entertaining than the Philadelphia cast, which nearly bored me to tears.
New Lifetime movie premieres next Monday! Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life starring the kid from Peter Pan and Kelly Lynch. I love when Lifetime tackles the real issues like porn addictions that ruin families.
And today, Batman Begins opens, starring one of the prettiest men evah and Tom Cruise's heterosexual girlfriend. I'm torn between my love of Christian and my desire to see Katie Holmes' camera whoring go up in flames. Alas, I think that comic book geeks alone will make sure this movie does well (No offense to comic book geeks, of course).
Mallory at 6/15/2005 06:57:00 PM
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Kept and other pressing matters
Some people have crippling addictions to heroin, alcohol or gambling that can render them dead, homeless or rooming with Ben Affleck at Promises.
I suppose, then, that I should be thankful that my main addictions are Diet Coke and celebrity reality shows. Or should I? Because I've heard vicious rumors that Diet Coke causes cancer and/or liver disease and I am fairly sure that celebrity reality shows causes a severe loss of brain chemicals.
I ponder this as I come off of my own unique sort of bender--a day of VH1 and calorie free Coca Cola products--and feel somewhat stupider for it (is stupider even a word? It's not, is it? I'm hopeless!). Because Kept is not a very good show and yet, there I was, watching it.
The premise, if you can believe it, is that Jerry Hall is looking for a man to be her companion, or "kept man" who she will give a life of luxury. What I'd like to know is, with what money? Mick Jagger's alimony payments? But more importantly, is Jerry Hall a woman or a drag queen? There are some shots where she looks pretty and others where I'm like, "I know for sure that your real name is John".
She also has an annoying habit of slipping back and forth from a Texas twang to a refined English accent. Which, I guess, is somewhat natural after living in London for so long and if I can forgive Madonna, then I suppose I should forgive Jerry, but...no.
Okay, so there's Jerry Hall and she's the one that these guys want to live with/get pampered by. And every episode, she makes them do challenges to prove if they're worthy of being kept. Past challenges have included swimming across the Thames in the middle of winter, walking in a fashion show and painting each other naked. No, you read that right.
And the guys that are competing are just bland and grotsky and I cannot imagine being forced to spend time with any of them, let alone choose one of them as a winner to give $100,000 and my time and attention.
I mean, really, the woman was married to Mick Jagger and she's willingly settling for these freaks? They're all varying degrees of...special, from borderline disabled to Timmy.
The highlights are Ricardo and Slavco who are like Derek Zoolander except more mean-spirited and toolish. It's revolting and yet intriguing to watch because I am constantly shocked that people like that actually exist and are able to walk and talk. They even have their own theme song-Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful", which makes me grudgingly respect the editors.
Jerry has an assistant, Katie, who falls into the role that Simon Cowell plays on American Idol--the humorless, mean Brit. She's the one all of the contestants hate, because she's shrill, but she's not even the one who announces who's getting kicked off; two random bouncers behind a velvet rope (no, really) have that honor. And their diction is terrible, might I add.
With that, I have not only watched Kept, but I've written about it as well. Surely, there's hope for people like me, yes? And hey, it's not like I'm watching Strip Search, what with my fierce allergic reaction to anything involving Rachel Perry.
In sporting news, The Nationals win 10 in a row, far exceeding the expectations of anyone, ever. And by anyone, I mean me. Eric Chavez gave the A's a pep talk--and it worked!. My boyfriend David Wright made a critical error that cost the Mets the game (and the series) to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim who have the DUMBEST NAME EVER. In a shocking development, Carl Pavano pitched really well. In a not so shocking development, the Yankees still lost. Wakefield pitches tonight and, if his last starts have been any indication, that means the Cubs will sweep the Sox and Trot Nixon might totally go on a killing spree.
ALSO! Can we talk about the leading vote-getters for the All Star game? Okay. Nomar? Has a torn groin, people. He's not going to be able to play by the All Star game so you can stop voting for him, okay? I mean, I love(d) Nomar as much as anyone (before his scowly 2004 season; I understand why he was mad but scowling is never attractive) but the man has a TORN GROIN. A TORN GROIN. HE CANNOT PLAY, WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT? Secondly, Manny Ramirez the top vote-getter for the outfield? Over Ichiro, Vlad Guerrero and others like Torii Hunter and even that fugly caveman Johnny Damon? The man can't field, yo. I shouldn't be surprised that Mike Piazza leads the NL Catcher, since he has every year ever, but I still am because I expect All Star caliber catchers to be able to throw to second base. Do I ask too much? Because I think I ask just right. Let us not even begin to talk about the fact that 250,000 people voted for Jason "I can't hit or field or tell you what I'm sorry for" Giambi because I'll lose it.
This is why fans shouldn't be able to vote! Because they're all stupid!
Mallory at 6/12/2005 07:12:00 PM
Thursday, June 09, 2005
I Hate Jerks
There are often times when I'm feeling down--I may have writer's block that prevents me from sharing pearls of wisdom with you, I may have stubbed my toe, my hair frizzes in the rain, etc. (I never said I feel down for particularly important reasons). But I've learned to be positive, to turn that frown upside down, if you will and remind myself that it could be worse. I could, for instance, be Russell Crowe.
I know. The life of a rich, Oscar-winning actor? Who'd want that?! And, yeah, it sounds like the good life. But appearances are misleading. Being Russell Crowe is awful. To wit:
Crippling Anger Management Issues
It must be hard to go through life prone to fits of violent rage where something as simple as being denied the opportunity to read a (bad) poem during an awards show causes you to lose your mind and beat up a producer. Or you could lash out at costars angrily, like Russell did to Craig Bierko
"Craig Bierko has an imagination. His recollection of the experience is significantly different from anyone else's. I spent my 40th birthday party on a satellite connection with my wife and child in Australia. Sorry I didn't invite Craig. I didn't think it was relevant. The fact is, he hadn't done enough work and he had to be drilled and drilled, and brought up to where we needed him to be - because if Max Baer isn't frightening and isn't capable, then we don't have much of a movie. Craig has never been in this kind of situation before. It has never been required of him to put this much work and this much of himself into a role. He didn't realize what he was getting into... He realized afterwards."
...snap?
2. Constant threat of suffocating under the weight of his ego
Everybody knows Mr. Crowe thinks he's the best and the brightest. Imagine knowing that there's a very good chance that you won't wake up after you fall asleep because your ego is strangling you? Scary.
3. Resorting to cribbing the antics of one Miss Naomi Campbell
Russell Crowe threw a telephone at someone in a fit of anger. Bitch, Naomi did it first and Naomi did it better. I'm not saying that Naomi is not worth copying, for she is a goddess in every way, but c'mon, Russ! She did that years ago! Think of something new!
4. You have acting talent in spades, but absolutely zero musical talent
I hate when actors decide to show how "deep" they are by moonlighting as artists, photographers or, in the terrifying case of Viggo Mortensen, poetry. Russell Crowe was in a band. 30 Odd Feet of Grouches, or whatever. Oh, sorry, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts.
Russell's band was pure crap, people. Truly awful. The lyrics read like something from a beginner's poetry class. Sting, when pressed to compliment him, called him enigmatic. That's...high praise right there from the man who has deteriorated into the king of adult contemporary music.
5. Even at the top of your game, the highest profile girl you can get is Meg Ryan
Sure, I guess I can see the allure in breaking up the marriage of America's Sweetheart, but...
I'm not a violent person, but I want to kick her in the face and someone with the rages of Russell Crowe shouldn't be around that so much.
6. Winona Ryder totally shafted him
At the Golden Globes in 2001, RC attempted to chat up Noni, until security came to help her out. Winon Ryder turned him down. Winona Ryder, who has been linked to Ryan Adams, Dodi al Fayed, Beck, Bono, Ed Burns, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Evan Dando, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., David Duchovny, Adam Duritz, Jakob Dylan, Everlast, Jimmy Fallon, Dave Grohl, Corey Haim, Chris Isaak, Courtney Love, Brittany Murphy, Barney, Chris Noth, Dave Pirner, Jason Vorhees, Charlie Sheen, Christian Slater, Mark Wahlberg, Paul Westerberg, Bruce Willis, the man who works at Shop-Rite, and Pete Yorn.
SHE said she didn't want anything to do with him. Is there a bigger possible burn, ever?
7.Friends with Nicole Kidman
I think it's nice that Russell has a friend, but imagine spending quality time catching up with your best friend who is physically incapable of moving her forehead and looks like the Grinch. Shudder.
So remember kids, it could be worse. You may have finals, you may have fought with your girlfriend, but just think of Russell Crowe and remind yourself that it's not that bad.
If I may talk baseball for a second...
Rumors are swirling that the Yankees are interested in bringing Roger Clemens back to the Bronx. I speak for us all when I ask, What the hell?
I'm fully aware that George Steinbrenner is out of his mind that that I shouldn't be surprised to wake up tomorrow to hear about the 10 year contract Yogi Berra signed to play second base. But COME ON.
Yeah, Georgie, this is perfect. Your pitching staff is shit--Mike Mussina is erratic, to say the least, Carl Pavano is struggling with the Curse of the Milano, Randy Johnson lost his talent along with his mullet, Jaret Wright isn't fit to play tee ball and Kevin Brown's ERA is hovering around 776.5. So naturally the only thing to do is consider trading Chien-Ming Wang--the only pitcher in your rotation who knows the difference between a ball and a strike--for a fat old asshole. Excellent. Excellent. And he wonders why the Yankees are palling around with the Devil Rays in the bottom of the AL East.
How about that NL East, huh? In a related story, David Wright is pretty. See, I'm capable of being nice.
Mallory at 6/09/2005 02:22:00 PM