Sunday, June 26, 2005
Hollywood's Secret Fear and Other Stuff
A mere week after discovering the nefarious union of Tom Cruise and Whitney Houston, I have uncovered another startling Hollywood scandal that has to do with extreme prejudice and hate. Yes, it's true, I've figured out that Hollywood hates redheads.
I can hear you now. You want to say it's not true, that Hollywood is not so cruel and prejudicial, perhaps you even use Lucille Ball as an example of Hollywood's love for redheads. I tell you that you're naive. Sure, Lucy was funny and zany. But she was never allowed to be a part of Ricky's show. Why is that? Was it because she wasn't talented enough? Or because Ricky was just mean? No, it was because of her red hair. And CBS realized that nobody wanted to see the horrible hair broadcast in color, so it never happened.
You see, red hair is the product of a variation in a gene making red heads, to use "street" language, genetic freaks. Who wants to pay good, hard-earned money to see freaks?
The anti-redhead bias has become increasingly prevalent in the entertainment industry following the years Lucy spent being banned from her dream. Danny Bonaduce, the lovable redhead who lit up both The Partridge Family and crackpipes, became a washed up child star and had no job prospects or patience, leading to the assault of a transvestite hooker. Sure, redheaded kids are cute, but grown up redheads? Ew!
Following her fabulous turns in Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink, Molly Ringwald watched as her career completely slipped away. Tragically, she learned that France, of all places, was the only country who would deign to hire her. Could it be that America was simply sick of supporting a red-haired actress?
Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, was cruelly taunted in the press as the "Duchess of Pork". What made her an object of such scorn and derision? Could it be...her hair? Or what about Julianne Moore, the most talented actress currently working. She's never won an Academy Award, despite being deserving of several. Yes, it's true...Robin Williams and Kim Basinger have Oscars, but Julianne? Nada. Then there's Cynthia Nixon, who played Miranda on Sex and the City, AKA the character who always seemed to be in a sex drought or paired up with the biggest losers imaginable.
In the modeling world, Glamour waited until the mid-90s to put a redhead on its cover, choosing to highlight Angie Everhart. Sadly, Angie has felt the redhead bias, being forced to settle for such awful paramours as Sly Stallone and Ashley Hamilton. Similarly, red haired supermodel Karen Elson recently married Jack White, the scariest man in America, while non-red haired models are with men like David Bowie, or Leonardo DiCaprio.
This theory, you see, also explains two rather disturbing stories: the scaryfication of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Kidman. Lindsay and Nicole were both blessed with red hair but have spurned their natural color in favor of blonde knowing, no doubt, that keeping it would lead to their being shunned by society.
I find it terribly sad in this day and age that the world is not more supportive of redheads. I hope to charter some outreach programs to help educate bigots about how beautiful red hair can really be.
Tom Cruise Watch: In case you missed it, Tom Cruise went shouty crackers on Today, sucked face with Katie Holmes for the paparazzi and sucked...[joke deleted to prevent a multimillion dollar lawsuit]
Even Rosie O'Donnell, on her blog, criticized her former #1 crush:
after watching tom on o
and then everywhere else
in the free world
i think i may need to up my meds
When Rosie makes fun of you...that takes it to a whole new level.
I don't know how many of you are in the New York area and will know what I'm talking about, but the commercials urging viewers to vote Jose Reyes and David Wright to the All-Star game are hilarious. They're patterned after World War II era ads and say things like, "Unlike other shortstops who hate puppies and children, Jose Reyes likes everybody!" Okay, I am not doing it justice and managed to rob it of its funny, but take my word for it, they are hilarious. Vote for them! Or at least vote for good people!
Speaking of baseball, is there anything better than Oh Say Can You Sing?, the MLB album? No, no there is not.
Truthfully, I am just saying that because of my deep obsession with Coco Crisp, who has the best name in the history of ever (Runners up: Milton Bradley and Nick Swisher)
Also, I've realized that the 2005 Yankees are proving, like the Bush administration, that too many assholes in one place spells disaster. Sure, a jerk here or there isn't that bad, but when you have Randy "Angry Redneck" Johnson, Jason "'Roid Rage" Giambi, Gary "I'll play for any team willing to pay and my wife had sex with R. Kelly" Sheffield, Alex "Slappy" Rodriguez, Kevin Fucking "Grrr Argh Let Me Punch A Wall" Brown and the midgety, yet rage-filled Tony Womack on one team, it's bad news. Also, Mr. Steinbrenner, what's with the old folk? Kevin Brown and Randy Johnson as the "aces" of your staff? Dude, they're like 90.
Mallory at 6/26/2005 02:12:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 10:23 PM
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