Friday, June 17, 2005
The Greatest Love Of All
Yay! After dating for, like, a month (I know, it feels way longer), the greatest couple of all time is getting married! Hooray! I don't think there are enough exclamation points in the world to properly convey my joy, which is bordering on hysteria! !!!!!!!!!!!
"Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman,"
Swoon. I've always wanted a midgety asexual cult member to call me magnificent and propose to me at...the Eiffel Tower?
"Yes, I proposed to her. It was early this morning at the Eiffel Tower, so I haven't slept at all."
He loves her so much that he's become an INSOMNIAC and wants nothing more than to broadcast his extreme love and commitment to Katie in front of crowds of tourists at one of the most famous spots in the world. Because it's not true love if you keep it private, folks.
I've become convinced that Tom Cruise employs Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All" as his theme song, for no other reason than that the visual of him sitting at his vanity, singing along with Whitney into a hairbrush, is terribly amusing. But the lyrics seem to fit quite well with his thought processes.
I believe the children are our are future/Teach them well and let them lead the way
Tom knows the score. Tom knows that the rest of the world looks to children for guidance and advice. And he knows that the wisest child of them all is Dakota Fanning.
"I wish them the happiest marriage that anyone has ever had," said Dakota Fanning, the child actress who co-stars with Cruise in the film. She sat next to Holmes during the news conference.
Did you feel that? Did you feel your skepticism give way to euphoria and optimism? Golly gee, y'all, Dakota's right! They deserve the happiest marriage of anyone EVER in the HISTORY of the world because THEY ARE SO IN LOVE!
No matter what they take from me/They can't take away my dignity
Tom knows that the haters are trying to get him down, but they can't take away his dignity!
On Wednesday the actor dismissed media claims that the relationship was just a publicity stunt. "I have to laugh. It's just ridiculous," he said at the European premiere of War of the Worlds in Berlin.
And we all know what Tom Cruise's laugh is like.
"HA HA! HA! HAHA! Fuck all the haters! Y'all don't know! Y'ALL DON'T KNOW!"
Because the greatest love of all/Is happening to me/I found the greatest love of all
"Something magnificent has happened to me and something extraordinary, and I'm so happy I just can't restrain myself"
He found true love! With Joey from Dawson's Creek! He stood beside her through nasty rumors that he had auditioned Jennifer Garner to be his onetruelove. He stood by her through her herpes outbreak. And most importantly, he stands by her for photographs.
He loves her SO MUCH, y'all, that he bypassed Neil Lane and Harry Winston and went straight to the jewelry counter at Wal*Mart to get a divine cubic zirconia monstrosity for his woman.
And if the world has learned anything from Bennifer and Paris Hilton it's that the bigger the rock, the bigger the love. All together now-awwww. He loves her! He really loves her!
Just think...soon, Tom and Katie will have a baby (I will offer no guesses as to how they will make that possible) and People will come over to interview the happy family, with the loving dog L. Ron sprinting around the backyard as Tom shares that he gets the baby to sleep by reading Dianetics and Katie smiles her crooked, almost stroke-victim like smile and says, "We couldn't be any happier".
Let us make a toast. First, to Tom Cruise, who has generously allowed the entire world to view every stage of this very special-dare I say magnificent?-courtship. And a toast to his sister/publicist, LeAnne, who urged her brother to have a love-induced mental breakdown on Oprah so that we could all share his joy and mock his insanity. And a toast to Katie Holmes, who so recently had just been known as the star of the worst Dawson's episode of all time and lord is that saying something and has been engaged to two men in the past three months. And a toast to Dakota Fanning, whose joy and exuberance have showed us all the true way. And a toast to Christian Bale, who is the star of Batman Begins and has to deal with all of this bullshit overshadowing his movie (and his good looks). If you still have any liquor in your bottle, make another toast to us, the lucky people who get to see this relationship blossom and thrive and, more likely than not, crash and burn on the red carpet.
Somewhere, Nicole Kidman is laughing uproariously, but nobody can tell because Botox has stolen her ability to change her facial expression.
Mallory at 6/17/2005 01:34:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 8:56 PM
CLC said... ROTFLMAO... really.
"L. Ron? We called the dog L.Ron..." Genius!
Crooked, stroke victim smile. Heehee.
Been getting post-engagement breakdowns and analysis all day, but this tops 'em all.
Would love to see Tom and Whitney in a room together. That would be classic. Sort of like exact opposites of crazy coming together. Ooh, maybe Tom, Kate (excuse me... Kate) and Whitney and Bobby can all do Oprah together when Whitney gets out of the Betty.
Paxil is wack.
I never thought there would be someone who would provide greater material for mockery than Johnny Damon until Mr. Cruise absolutely lost it.-
at 3:26 AM
Roonie said...
By far, the best TomKat engagement analysis I've read all day. You're gifted. Where the hell did you find that quote from Dakota Fanning? I mean, ingenious, I tell you!
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at 1:01 PM
Mallory said...
Aww! You guys are so sweet. Thank you!
CLC--If we could get a Tom and Whitney Oprah appearance or perhaps a variety hour, I'd die of happiness. They'd get all up in everybody's face demanding to see receipts for Zoloft and Whitney would sing to the rotting corpse of L. Ron, sweating out of her weave the whole time.
Dean--please report back to me if you see any other evidence regarding this. We could take this to the Washington Post or at the very least Star magazine and cash in.
Fayza--thank you! I found the Dakota Fanning quote in a few articles (like The LA Times here) and it made my day. She crazy.