Wednesday, June 15, 2005
On Breakups
According to Page Six and other illustrious bastions of journalism like Matt Drudge(which...I know, okay? I know), Jennifer Aniston breaks her vow of silence and comments on the dissolution of her marriage to Vanity Fair. Some people opt for therapy, she opts for Graydon Carter.
THE mystery of the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston breakup has been solved, the NY POST reported on Wednesday. Aniston has finally broken her silence to Leslie Bennetts, who will write up the interview for VANITY FAIR.
Contrary to early speculation, "She told Bennetts she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue... The issue was Brad cheated . . . and she is appalled by the 'family photos' coming out in W."
Brad and Angelina Jolie posed with pretend kids as one big happy family in the upcoming monthly.
I mean, really. The media sure does love a good adultery story (Eddie Fisher and Elizabeth Taylor, Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan, etc.) and I can see why this would be a big deal, but the three central participants aren't exactly interesting to me. Yes, Angie is gorge, yes, Jen was funny as Rachel Green, yes, Brad...uh...I'll get back to you there. It's all just so bizarre to me because, really, all I can think of is a high school movie. Forget a sequel to Sixteen Candles, this is where it's at, y'all.
Brad Pitt: Captain of the football team who is pressured by his English teacher to join the drama club because his English grades aren't up to snuff.
Jennifer Aniston: His girlfriend; a cheerleader, president of the fashion club. Overtans and smokes in the girl's room (to stave off hunger pangs, not to be a rebel)
Angelina Jolie: Member of the drama club; intimidating; more of a badass than any guy in the school; wears t-shirts that say Don't hate me because I'm beautiful...hate me because your boyfriend thinks I am(Setting: School cafeteria during study hall)
Jennifer: Brad! I really don't like the fact that you and Angelina are spending so much time together. We're supposed to be planning our prom night!
Brad: Whatever.
Jennifer: BRAD! How am I supposed to know what color dress to get if you don't tell me what kind of corsage you're buying me?
Brad: Whatever.
Jennifer: Ohmigod, I need a cigarette. (Flounces off)
Brad: Whatever.
(Angelina enters)
Angelina: Hello, loverboy.
Brad: Huh? I...I'm not your loverboy.
Angelina: I know, just like those aren't my eyes you're staring at.
Brad: Uh...
Angelina: (Throaty laugh)It's just a name. We need to practice our big scene for later...(touches his chest) How am I supposed to be a good Sandy if I don't get up close and personal with my Danny Zucco?
Brad:...wanna go smoke a blunt?
Angelina: Oh, Brad...(rubs his back)
(Jennifer enters)
Jennifer: What is going on?! Ohmigod, you're cheating with her, aren't you? This is why you don't want to go to Seaside after the prom! (Sobs) I can't deal with this right now. How am I supposed to show my face in this school when you're sucking face with her onstage? It's just...it's, like, breaking my heart, you don't EVEN know. (Storms away)
Angelina: I should probably get to class now. I'll see you later (Winks)
Brad: Hell yeah!
Later, in an effort to cripple Hollywood High's production of Grease, Jen's friends all try to get people to boycott the play to save their idol heartbreak. Brad and Angelina show up separately to the cast party at Adam Brody's house, but they spend all night looking at each other across the room.
Coming soon to a theater near you!
The world was so close to one of the greatest pop music related events of the past half century. Naturally, I am speaking of the planned Spice Girls reunion that was to take place at Live 8, one of those "heal the hunger" things that Bob Geldof throws every once in a while to get himself in the news for something other than having a daughter named Fifi Trixibelle. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling Bob Geldof! Sir Bob nixed those plans, saying that the Spice Girls didn't fit in with his political message. Whatevah, Bob Geldof, whatevah! But Destiny's Child does? Let me tell you, Destiny's Child is breaking up, while the Spice Girls are putting the drama behind them and reuniting. What is more hopeful and political than a union? Nothing, I tell you, nothing. Ginger Spice was such a patriot, with her Union Jack tube dresses. She was showing her cooter FOR ENGLAND! Hell, freaking Vicki Beckham singlehandly supports the UK media by staging photo-ops and fake kidnappings of the Beckham family. THESE people are important, Bob! Geldof is such a hater.
Speaking of Destiny's Child, you have to feel bad for Michelle. I mean, Beyonce has her solo act down pat and Kelly is marrying an NFL player who I'm sure can support her when her money runs out, but what about Michelle? I mean, she's not even the most famous Michelle Williams out there, she can't sing and she looks 40. Maybe I can hire her to perform at my cousin's Sweet 16...
The Real World is set to take over Austin on June 21. I'm not a betting woman, but I predict that there will be lots of drinking and roommates hooking up. I hope it's marginally more entertaining than the Philadelphia cast, which nearly bored me to tears.
New Lifetime movie premieres next Monday! Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life starring the kid from Peter Pan and Kelly Lynch. I love when Lifetime tackles the real issues like porn addictions that ruin families.
And today, Batman Begins opens, starring one of the prettiest men evah and Tom Cruise's heterosexual girlfriend. I'm torn between my love of Christian and my desire to see Katie Holmes' camera whoring go up in flames. Alas, I think that comic book geeks alone will make sure this movie does well (No offense to comic book geeks, of course).
Mallory at 6/15/2005 06:57:00 PM
2 Comments
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at 12:02 AM
CLC said... Your send up of BradJengelina situation is *right on* --> The OC ain't got nothin' on them. Funny, no one seemed to care so much when Bill Bob left Laura Dern for Angelina. Oh wait, that's because he's a quadruple-nuptualed, man-orexic, with an "acute fear of antique furniture." And, given her performance at the Oscars, can the argument be made that she left her brother for Billy Bob? Not so much US Weekly material, I suppose.
Lifetime Movies rock! I know they are bad for me, and must kill at least 12 braincells every minute that I watch them, but I can't look away. The unwed teenage mother ones, any one with Jean Smart, any one with an evil husband who has another family, or all of the above are my absolute favorites.
Is Michelle Williams this generations next Ringo Starr?-
at 12:10 AM
said... Mal, I thought of you the second I saw the commercial for CyberSeduction: His Secret Life. I watched half of it last night and it was brilliant. Sadly the baby started crying in the middle of the scene where he was hallucinating porn women when he was doing laps in the swimming pool so I didn't see how it ends.
I also saw part of a Lifetime movie yesterday about a couple that got pregnant when the woman was 50. Which one was that?