Thursday, June 09, 2005
I Hate Jerks
There are often times when I'm feeling down--I may have writer's block that prevents me from sharing pearls of wisdom with you, I may have stubbed my toe, my hair frizzes in the rain, etc. (I never said I feel down for particularly important reasons). But I've learned to be positive, to turn that frown upside down, if you will and remind myself that it could be worse. I could, for instance, be Russell Crowe.
I know. The life of a rich, Oscar-winning actor? Who'd want that?! And, yeah, it sounds like the good life. But appearances are misleading. Being Russell Crowe is awful. To wit:
Crippling Anger Management Issues
It must be hard to go through life prone to fits of violent rage where something as simple as being denied the opportunity to read a (bad) poem during an awards show causes you to lose your mind and beat up a producer. Or you could lash out at costars angrily, like Russell did to Craig Bierko
"Craig Bierko has an imagination. His recollection of the experience is significantly different from anyone else's. I spent my 40th birthday party on a satellite connection with my wife and child in Australia. Sorry I didn't invite Craig. I didn't think it was relevant. The fact is, he hadn't done enough work and he had to be drilled and drilled, and brought up to where we needed him to be - because if Max Baer isn't frightening and isn't capable, then we don't have much of a movie. Craig has never been in this kind of situation before. It has never been required of him to put this much work and this much of himself into a role. He didn't realize what he was getting into... He realized afterwards."
...snap?
2. Constant threat of suffocating under the weight of his ego
Everybody knows Mr. Crowe thinks he's the best and the brightest. Imagine knowing that there's a very good chance that you won't wake up after you fall asleep because your ego is strangling you? Scary.
3. Resorting to cribbing the antics of one Miss Naomi Campbell
Russell Crowe threw a telephone at someone in a fit of anger. Bitch, Naomi did it first and Naomi did it better. I'm not saying that Naomi is not worth copying, for she is a goddess in every way, but c'mon, Russ! She did that years ago! Think of something new!
4. You have acting talent in spades, but absolutely zero musical talent
I hate when actors decide to show how "deep" they are by moonlighting as artists, photographers or, in the terrifying case of Viggo Mortensen, poetry. Russell Crowe was in a band. 30 Odd Feet of Grouches, or whatever. Oh, sorry, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts.
Russell's band was pure crap, people. Truly awful. The lyrics read like something from a beginner's poetry class. Sting, when pressed to compliment him, called him enigmatic. That's...high praise right there from the man who has deteriorated into the king of adult contemporary music.
5. Even at the top of your game, the highest profile girl you can get is Meg Ryan
Sure, I guess I can see the allure in breaking up the marriage of America's Sweetheart, but...
I'm not a violent person, but I want to kick her in the face and someone with the rages of Russell Crowe shouldn't be around that so much.
6. Winona Ryder totally shafted him
At the Golden Globes in 2001, RC attempted to chat up Noni, until security came to help her out. Winon Ryder turned him down. Winona Ryder, who has been linked to Ryan Adams, Dodi al Fayed, Beck, Bono, Ed Burns, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Evan Dando, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., David Duchovny, Adam Duritz, Jakob Dylan, Everlast, Jimmy Fallon, Dave Grohl, Corey Haim, Chris Isaak, Courtney Love, Brittany Murphy, Barney, Chris Noth, Dave Pirner, Jason Vorhees, Charlie Sheen, Christian Slater, Mark Wahlberg, Paul Westerberg, Bruce Willis, the man who works at Shop-Rite, and Pete Yorn.
SHE said she didn't want anything to do with him. Is there a bigger possible burn, ever?
7.Friends with Nicole Kidman
I think it's nice that Russell has a friend, but imagine spending quality time catching up with your best friend who is physically incapable of moving her forehead and looks like the Grinch. Shudder.
So remember kids, it could be worse. You may have finals, you may have fought with your girlfriend, but just think of Russell Crowe and remind yourself that it's not that bad.
If I may talk baseball for a second...
Rumors are swirling that the Yankees are interested in bringing Roger Clemens back to the Bronx. I speak for us all when I ask, What the hell?
I'm fully aware that George Steinbrenner is out of his mind that that I shouldn't be surprised to wake up tomorrow to hear about the 10 year contract Yogi Berra signed to play second base. But COME ON.
Yeah, Georgie, this is perfect. Your pitching staff is shit--Mike Mussina is erratic, to say the least, Carl Pavano is struggling with the Curse of the Milano, Randy Johnson lost his talent along with his mullet, Jaret Wright isn't fit to play tee ball and Kevin Brown's ERA is hovering around 776.5. So naturally the only thing to do is consider trading Chien-Ming Wang--the only pitcher in your rotation who knows the difference between a ball and a strike--for a fat old asshole. Excellent. Excellent. And he wonders why the Yankees are palling around with the Devil Rays in the bottom of the AL East.
How about that NL East, huh? In a related story, David Wright is pretty. See, I'm capable of being nice.
Mallory at 6/09/2005 02:22:00 PM
3 Comments
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at 6:55 PM
said... I love when you write new entries!
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at 7:15 PM
CLC said... Roger is not only a fat 90 year old pitcher, he is a fat 90 year old pitcher who has a son named Koby. If that isn't bad karma, I don't know what is.
Steinbrenner is in love with the idea of Roger because he *is* old and he is very expensive. Though I am not a fan of the Evil Empire myself, I can empathize with the frustration of obvious team mismanagement. Throwing cash at a roster can solve problems, but not with a little common sense. Pavano only had that one good year (and then topped it off with the unfortunate Alyssa debacle which is just doom); K. Brown and R. Johnson are just older than dirt - the former has a temper problem, the latter does as well, in addition to having *zero* cartilage in his right knee. Oh George! C'mon now. I know you can do better than that. George and Billy Beane have been fully upstaged by Theo Epstein, who still manages to win somehow even with an ancient pitching staff led by David "Sure, I'd like another 3 pizzas and a case of beer" Wells.
'Nuff ranting.
Very nice Russell Crowe summation - the man seriously has a problem.-
at 11:58 PM
said...
You'll be pleased to know that when the Astros came to Busch a little while back, I used having a seat behind home plate to my advantage. How? I played Headcrusher with Roger Clemens. "I'm crrrushing your head!" Very cathartic.