Sunday, June 12, 2005
Kept and other pressing matters
Some people have crippling addictions to heroin, alcohol or gambling that can render them dead, homeless or rooming with Ben Affleck at Promises.
I suppose, then, that I should be thankful that my main addictions are Diet Coke and celebrity reality shows. Or should I? Because I've heard vicious rumors that Diet Coke causes cancer and/or liver disease and I am fairly sure that celebrity reality shows causes a severe loss of brain chemicals.
I ponder this as I come off of my own unique sort of bender--a day of VH1 and calorie free Coca Cola products--and feel somewhat stupider for it (is stupider even a word? It's not, is it? I'm hopeless!). Because Kept is not a very good show and yet, there I was, watching it.
The premise, if you can believe it, is that Jerry Hall is looking for a man to be her companion, or "kept man" who she will give a life of luxury. What I'd like to know is, with what money? Mick Jagger's alimony payments? But more importantly, is Jerry Hall a woman or a drag queen? There are some shots where she looks pretty and others where I'm like, "I know for sure that your real name is John".
She also has an annoying habit of slipping back and forth from a Texas twang to a refined English accent. Which, I guess, is somewhat natural after living in London for so long and if I can forgive Madonna, then I suppose I should forgive Jerry, but...no.
Okay, so there's Jerry Hall and she's the one that these guys want to live with/get pampered by. And every episode, she makes them do challenges to prove if they're worthy of being kept. Past challenges have included swimming across the Thames in the middle of winter, walking in a fashion show and painting each other naked. No, you read that right.
And the guys that are competing are just bland and grotsky and I cannot imagine being forced to spend time with any of them, let alone choose one of them as a winner to give $100,000 and my time and attention.
I mean, really, the woman was married to Mick Jagger and she's willingly settling for these freaks? They're all varying degrees of...special, from borderline disabled to Timmy.
The highlights are Ricardo and Slavco who are like Derek Zoolander except more mean-spirited and toolish. It's revolting and yet intriguing to watch because I am constantly shocked that people like that actually exist and are able to walk and talk. They even have their own theme song-Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful", which makes me grudgingly respect the editors.
Jerry has an assistant, Katie, who falls into the role that Simon Cowell plays on American Idol--the humorless, mean Brit. She's the one all of the contestants hate, because she's shrill, but she's not even the one who announces who's getting kicked off; two random bouncers behind a velvet rope (no, really) have that honor. And their diction is terrible, might I add.
With that, I have not only watched Kept, but I've written about it as well. Surely, there's hope for people like me, yes? And hey, it's not like I'm watching Strip Search, what with my fierce allergic reaction to anything involving Rachel Perry.
In sporting news, The Nationals win 10 in a row, far exceeding the expectations of anyone, ever. And by anyone, I mean me. Eric Chavez gave the A's a pep talk--and it worked!. My boyfriend David Wright made a critical error that cost the Mets the game (and the series) to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim who have the DUMBEST NAME EVER. In a shocking development, Carl Pavano pitched really well. In a not so shocking development, the Yankees still lost. Wakefield pitches tonight and, if his last starts have been any indication, that means the Cubs will sweep the Sox and Trot Nixon might totally go on a killing spree.
ALSO! Can we talk about the leading vote-getters for the All Star game? Okay. Nomar? Has a torn groin, people. He's not going to be able to play by the All Star game so you can stop voting for him, okay? I mean, I love(d) Nomar as much as anyone (before his scowly 2004 season; I understand why he was mad but scowling is never attractive) but the man has a TORN GROIN. A TORN GROIN. HE CANNOT PLAY, WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT? Secondly, Manny Ramirez the top vote-getter for the outfield? Over Ichiro, Vlad Guerrero and others like Torii Hunter and even that fugly caveman Johnny Damon? The man can't field, yo. I shouldn't be surprised that Mike Piazza leads the NL Catcher, since he has every year ever, but I still am because I expect All Star caliber catchers to be able to throw to second base. Do I ask too much? Because I think I ask just right. Let us not even begin to talk about the fact that 250,000 people voted for Jason "I can't hit or field or tell you what I'm sorry for" Giambi because I'll lose it.
This is why fans shouldn't be able to vote! Because they're all stupid!
Mallory at 6/12/2005 07:12:00 PM
2 Comments
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at 9:27 PM
CLC said... Since we are all trading diet soda addictions, I have to say my DC problem has just gotten exponentially worse because I discovered something fantastic, and seemingly exceedingly rare (at least on the West Coast): Diet Cherry Coke.
*So* good! Is it sad for me to say that I had to wipe away a tear of joy when I saw they had put it in the vending machine at work? Yes, that is sad. And yet there it is.
Some call it addiction, I call it a lifestyle choice. :)
Thanks for the shout out to the Green n' Gold: Still not sure I am over being mad at Chavvy yet. For $66M, you are not allowed to completely embarass yourself the first 2 months of every season. Or at least you need to be cute enough to get away with it (which he is so not...). Am admiring your b-f Mr. Wright (how perfect is that) now too, he *is* awfully pretty...once though Nomah was pretty in sort of a "growing on you" kind of way, but now when I see him, I just think "rolling around on the ground in excruciating pain"-
at 9:56 AM
Mallory said...
Val--Indeed, your future husband is at the top (as he should be). Diet Coke with Lime is the greatest thing ever and I am not even kidding when I say that. PS, I need to email you!
CLC--Diet Cherry Coke! In a vending machine?! I hardly ever see it here in stores and I'm always on the lookout because, um, delicious. Chavvy must need bodyguards to hide him from the angry mobs whose fantasy baseball leagues he ruined. I mean, really. And you're right, unlike Mr. Wright (hee!), he's just not cute enough to get away with that. And I'll never be able to look at Nomar again without thinking, "Oh, ow. Torn groin. Torn!"
Mean Dean--Touche. However, I think a lot of it has to do with people being happy he's back in New York and the only other options being a) Kevin Millar who can't hit or field or give an interview without twitching and b) Mark Teixeira, whose name no one can pronounce. The NL has a lot of solid first basemen, but the AL...not so much.