Saturday, April 30, 2005
Wuv. Twu Wuv.
You've all heard the news, that Brad and Angelina are no longer the hot couple story in Hollywood. That title belongs to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
I know what you're thinking, I'm betting it's something along the lines of "What the hell?" Because it's just that weird.
I mean, she was Joey on Dawson's Creek. And don't let that damn show fool you, Joey was not the best and the brightest to ever exist anywhere in the world or history ever. Joey was, actually, damn near irritating, judgmental and stupid. Remember when she almost didn't go to school because she couldn't afford it and instead of applying for financail aid, she let Dawson pay for it? I still get angry thinking about that. And while it's odd that I get so invested in the life of a fictional character, you have to admit that Joey was really rather irritating. And her big film career has included such cinematic classics as Teaching Mrs. Tingle, The Gift and Abandon.
And Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise. I mean, like him or not, the man is a bona fide superstar, an icon if you will. He's not perfect, what with the whole being a midget Scientologist freak thing, but still.
I just...I just don't understand it.
Obviously, it's about publicity. Katie is next appearing in Batman Begins (with my one true love) and Tom is soon starring in The War of the Worlds with that creepy alien/human hybrid Dakota Fanning. And what better form of publicity is there than a HOTT new romance?
That would all make sense if they actually seemed compatible in any way, but they are not.
Tom: Movie star with three Oscar nominations (Born on the 4th of July, Jerry Maguire and Magnolia)
Katie: TV show star (And not even real TV. We're talking the WB, folks)
Tom: Old (42)
Katie: Young (26)
Tom: Teensy (5'7"...allegedly)
Katie: Tall (5'9" at the very least)
Tom: Dated Penelope Cruz who, fine, sort of looks like Gonzo from some angles, but from others, she's really pretty and she's a good actress when she's not speaking English.
Katie: Was engaged to Chris Klein. CHRIS KLEIN. There are pet rocks out there far more interesting and intelligent than Chris Klein could ever hope to be.
Tom: Part of a freakish cult; possibly mentally ill
Katie: Not part of a cult; possibly mentally ill due to PTSD following years of prolonged exposure to James Van Der Beek's cereal box head.
Okay, fine, I'll give them a point on that front.
Tom is trying very hard to woo her, giving her flowers and jewelry, which must piss Nicole Kidman off. After all, he gave her beautiful Indian jewelry, but not a single red rose:(.
But in pictures, they just seem so...awkward.
Tom: "Oh, my! Photographers! What are the odds? You caught us at a really bad time, we're just leaving a heterosexual dinner date and going back to our hotel room to engage in heterosexual intercourse. Good times."
Katie: "..."
Tom: "Look at my girlfriend! She is a very lovely female person. Aren't you jealous of me, for my beautiful heterosexual girlfriend? (Manic laughter)"
Katie: "Um, you're hurting my arm."
Katie: "Heehee. Tom bought me these glasses. They're Gucci. They cost more than I ever made on Dawson's Creek."
Tom: "Hello, again, paparazzi! You've once again caught me and my heterosexual girlfriend engaging in heterosexual activities. Pretty sneaky, sis. Look at my hands, they are roaming below the belt, like the hands of straight men do when they are hanging out with their girlfriends on balconies. Ah, the follies of heterosexuality."
Katie: "Oh my god, you're, like so short!"
Tom: "No, Katie, don't actually touch me with your mouth. Ew."
Katie: "Hey, cameras! See me? With my boyfriend Tom Cruise? Hi! Remember, if you want more pictures of me and Tom Cruise, remember to come to the premiere of my film Batman Begins, which opens on June 15th in the US."
Tom: "Okay, Tom, just close your eyes and think of England..."
Katie: "Suck on this, Chris Klein!"
Tom: "Just pretend she's Brad Pitt. She's Brad Pitt. She's tall like Brad, that makes it easier."
This is a recpie for disaster, and I cannot even wait.
In other news...
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy seems to be on pace to be number 1 this weekend, which makes me happy because I do so love Mos Def.
Paula Abdul may or may not have slept with Corey Clark. Um, okay, ew. I know Paula is whacked out and barely knows her own name, but come ON. Corey Clark is skeevy to the max. I keep shuddering just thinking about him. Ew.
Kitson wants us to take sides-are you a Jennifer or an Angelina?
Mallory at 4/30/2005 06:07:00 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Question Time
I know this will shock some of you, but it's time for me to admit the truth-sometimes, I don't have all the answers. It's really sort of depressing, because I have so many questions...
1. Why do I know who Natasha McElhone is?
Following a conversation with my lovely professor Kim about Christian Bale, which seems to be the topic of roughly 78% of all of my conversations lately (please save taunting for later, thank you), we got on a tangent about Natasha McElhone. We both know who she is and what she's been in. But why? The woman's CV includes such classics Ronin, Solaris and Feardotcom, not to mention her current role on NBC's brilliant religious/Armageddon masterpiece Revelations. So her choice in parts sucks. And she performs these crappy parts poorly (apparently her role in Revelations is not comedic. Who knew?). And she's not exactly gorgeous; she sort of resembles a strange mix of Jane Seymour and Meryl Streep, but without any of their positive attributes. Yes, for the purposes of this piece, we are operating under the assumption that Jane Seymour has positive attributes.
So what gives? Why is she famous? Why do I know her name, what she's been in and the fact that she has a son named Otis?
2. What's the deal with TV Turn-Off week?
I mean, I understand the point, I guess--all TV and no books make people dumb. Or something. But it hits this irrational pet peeve of mine, which is people getting all judgey about television. "Oh, I don't watch television". Well, that's lovely for you. I refuse to give up Top Model and Desperate Housewives and if I don't make fun of you for liking Friends, you don't get your judge on about that, okay?
Also, I'd argue that it's totally possible to watch television and read books and be a properly functioning member of society. Case in point-me. I do both. Granted, I can't add fractions, but I've managed.
The most annoying thing is this handy dandy device that will turn off other TVs. I don't even know. As my friend Jess said:
everybody turn off that tube and spend your days masturbating to Adbusters and getting high off your smug sense of superiority! Hoooraay!
3. Why does Lindsay Lohan look like she's ready to collect social security?
I've discussed this elsewhere, but I'm honestly disturbed by the fact that, seemingly overnight, Lindsay has turned 65. It's just...ew.
4. Why are Britney Spears Federline and Kevin Federline Spears so grotsky?
I ask this every single day and nobody has an answer for me. It's like their grossness multiplies by the minute. If you're an ick afficionado, you can't ask for anything better than these two. Ol' Britters is showing off her taste in maternity wear; taste that is, as the kids say, so not good. A curtain and Uggs? To quote the woman herself, that is a total ugh. Not to mention that stupid face she always makes. But honestly, she's like Grace Kelly compared to her husband. I mean, what is that? I know some people don't have standards and I'm well aware that Britney is among them, but the man has a potbelly and a half-ponytail. I'm honestly so repulsed that I don't even know that I can say anything more.
5. Why is Kirsten Dunst playing Marie Antoinette?
I mean really, why? The girl starred in Dick, which I adore to an unhealthy degree, so I will always have a soft spot for her, but Marie Antoinette? Jigga what?
6. Is there a scientific equation proving that British men and their children is, in fact, the cutest thing in the world?
I only ask because seeing Jude Law and his kids and Golden Balls Beckham picking up Brooklyn made me go "Awww!" Just wondering.
7. Why is Lisa Whelchel crazy?
Because honestly, what is there to say besides "Bitch crazy"? Who would have thought that Blair and her gorgeous hair would turn into...a crackpot. I don't doubt that Lisa loves Jesus, but if Jesus truly loved her, he'd have talked her out of starring in that Facts of Life reunion movie. I'm just saying.
8. Why are people so devoted to the idea of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a couple?
Because I don't get it. Brad Pitt-boring. Angelina Jolie-annoying. Jennifer Aniston-boring. I don't care about any of the individuals involved in this story and I don't understand why the media is rushing to declare a Brad/Angelina twu luv type dealie. Why do people still care about Brad Pitt? Did they not see the trailers for Troy? I ask you.
9. Why am I craving Pocky so badly?
And in a related question, why can't I find Pocky anywhere? It's driving me mad. Right about now, Pocky and a Starbucks Affogato sound like a little piece of heaven.
10. Why is Anna Wintour so evil?
I don't ask this in the "Why does she kick her employees just to make them cry" way, because I think being an evil dragon person would be fun once in a while and I can't deny her that. I ask because I was so set to quit Vogue forever, following a year in which the cover models have included Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Lopez and, lord help us all, Melania Knauss, but the witch pulls me back in with a Liya Kebede cover. Damn you, Wintour! Damn you!
She added to her evil quotient by including Veronica Webb in this issue. Veronica Webb is, as you know, one of the worst models evah, part of an exclusive triumvirate with Esther Canadas and the horrific Kristen McMenamy. Thankfully, Esther Canadas seems to have disappeared and the last I heard of Kristen McMenamy was a brief mention in Glamorama. Why can't Veronica Webb disappear like that?
Mallory at 4/26/2005 08:28:00 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Rampant Misanthropy, Gadfly Style
PETA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. You'd think a group who are for the ethical treatment of animals wouldn't be so bad, right? Because who wants animals to be treated badly besides kitten murderers and other nefarious folk? I'm all for animals being treated ethically and I don't even like animals.
So how is it, then, that PETA manages to be the most annoying group of any group in the history of ever? (Incidentally, on that list, I included LFO and D-12, just so we're aware of how lame, exactly, PETA is) They take a noble goal and fuck it up by being obnoxious. So obnoxious, even, that it makes me want to parade about town in a chinchilla coat, leater boots, a rabbit's foot bracelet and a necklace made of teeth and claws of various animals.
PETA is militantly anti-fur and anti-cruelty to animals. So they protest people who wear fur, experiment on animals and are cruel to animals in any way. This includes:
These people have made me like the people that they hate, and when someone makes me like Star Jones, there is a big problem. I was filled with delicious glee when Cindy Crawford, who one appeared in their anti-fur campaigns, became a model for Blackglama. It was fabulous.
So I was understandably filled with rage when I came across this comment by PETA Pal Pamela Anderson:
People who wear fur smell like a wet dog and they look fat and gross. They look really immature and unenlightened. Every season the furriers put propaganda everywhere that fur is taking off again and they give free coats to idiots like Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy. It makes me nauseous.
For starters, he goes by P. Diddy and she had best watch the hateration. I understand that not everybody shares my love of Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, but I have to say that I love his thirst for riches and fame with the occasional good deed thrown in for good measure, not to mention dapper suits.
Secondly, "they look fat and gross"? Did she hire an eight-year-old to write her snaps for her? And "they look really immature and unenlightened"? Right, because this woman truly is the definition of maturity and intelligence.
And really, every single part of this woman has been tested on an animal of some sort and that isn't even a Tommy Lee joke although the woman has slept with both Tommy Lee and Kid Rock so she ought to stop with the condescension asap.
This may be, of course, related to my irritation with the fact that FOX is airing her sitcom Stacked (get it? Hardy har har) while the brill Arrested Development is in danger of being cancelled. I hate the world.
I also hate being part of the same species as Sean Penn. Not just because he is a greasy midget who occasionally rocks a fugly mustache, but because he is a shrill, humorless tool. When asked about his hissy following Chris Rock's very mild joke about Jude Law, he said:
No, I tell you what bothers me. I saw that part on television from my hotel room before I got there, and the problem was that this f__ing punk town that we work in, nobody in that f__ing place booed the dumb joke. Chris Rock's really funny and talented, and in a three-hour set you're allowed to make bad jokes, but the audience should respond. Instead, it's just a bunch of schadenfreude-ists sitting there wanting Jude's parts and looks...But bottom line: I didn't think it was funny.
Oh, Sean. Are we really back to the "All y'all just jealous" excuse? That's why people laughed at the joke? It couldn't have been because, I don't know, the joke was funny? Or because Jude Law--who I adore, as you all know--really was overexposed, what with his six movies in three months last year? Or because they knew it would piss off Sean Penn if they laughed so they did because they hate him?
Then Nicole Kidman chimes in,
Neither did I. I laughed at other things Chris Rock said. Just not that.
Thanks SO much for your input, Nicole, whenever I need advice, I always turn to women with unnaturally plastic faces who spent ten years married to an asexual cult member and who wore a leotard that Tonya Harding rejected (with a headband!) to the Golden Globes. I appreciate it.
Also, Sean and Nicole, your recent forays into comedy were a guest spot on Friends and The Stepford Wives, respectively, so excuse me if I don't really trust your judgment as to what's funny and what's not.
Why not make this entry a hat trick of misanthropy? I also hate, to an unhealthy degree, one Mr. Johnny Damon of the Boston Red Sox. CLC recently summed up why, exactly, he is worthy of hatred. It's not just that he's ugly (though he so is) or prone to wearing cornrows (though he is), but because so damn charming. Like when he said he just wanted to settle down with his new wife--two years, bear in mind, after leaving his wife--or talked about his keen sense of style and the style of gay men and wrote such lovely passages like this in his book:
If you're good-looking and a ballplayer, girls want a piece of you,'' he spills. "For the rest of the season, I met some women, some good, some bad. I had some one-nighters that I had never gotten to experience before. It was fun. I ended up having to carry around a separate cell phone for the women to call me. I didn't want them to have my main number because my phone would have been ringing off the hook and it just got tiring.
...so they wanted a piece of you why, exactly? Does he not realize that his children are going to hear this shit? It's bad enough that their father is a caveman, but to go through life hearing about what a ho he is? That's just wrong.
To summarize--PETA sucks, Pammy sucks, Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman suck in myriad unfunny ways and Johnny Damon is a sucky caveman.
I used to like people at one point in time, I swear. I just don't remember that time very well, the memories are fuzzy and I believe it may have been in third grade or so.
Mallory at 4/20/2005 07:37:00 PM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Pray For Mojo
Gentle readers, the time has come for us to pray.
I don't know how many of you are religious or pray or believe in prayers, but we need to put aside our differences and send all of our good thoughts to someone who really needs it-Baby X.
You see, gentle readers, the rumors are true:
While last week I was ecstatic about the news of a Britney/Kevin reality show, I find this news to be oddly depressing, because Baby X is set for a hard lot in life. Oh, sure, he/she will have money, but you know what? There are certain wounds that money just can't heal. That's why Baby X needs us. Consider:
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Or the orange pimp suit. Or the pot leaf sweater with magenta lipstick. Or the MILF in Training shirt. Or the hot pink do-rag. Etc.
I just don't get it, Patty Hearst was kidnapped and yet managed to be stylish in her kicky beret. Britney is free and yet dresses like that.
Stephanie Seymor rejected that shit on the set of the "November Rain" video. 80s nostalgia is all well and good, but this just crossed the line.
Do you see? Do you see how badly Baby X needs us? Please, think of this poor child and send all of your good vibes his/her way. Because if you don't, Baby X will wind up dressed in a baby trucker hat on his/her way out of the hospital and that's just wrong. He/she needs all of the help we can give them.
Mallory at 4/12/2005 08:36:00 PM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Everything's Coming Up Roses!!!
OH MY GOD, Y'ALL, BRITNEY AND KEVIN ARE GETTING THEIR OWN REALITY SHOW!
Sorry, but if you don't think that's the greatest thing ever, there's a strong possibility that you're dead inside.
Just think about it. The girl who was, at one point in time, the biggest popstar in the world. The guy who stole her heart with a single ebonics laced sentence. The wedding that featured chicken fingers and a boombox playing Phil Collins. The going into public restrooms barefoot. The stepchildren and angry ex-girlfriend. The lack of hygiene. The lack of articulation.
OH MY GOD I CANNOT WAIT.
My excitement rivals the day I learned Posh and Becks were going to have a baby. I'm a bit confused that it's on UPN, because while UPN is home to my true reality TV love, I'd expect MTV to shell out the big bucks to score Britney's show, since they gave a show to Ashlee Simpson and are responsible for launching Jesse Camp on an unsuspecting world,and they owe us, so you think they'd try even harder to make their lineup amazing. But, alas, they're only scoring the reruns. How budget, MTV.
But seriously, this is going to be great, I imagine a lot of Britney's "Haw haw" laughter and message t-shirts and Kevin in his low rise cargo shorts/wifebeater combos saying, "Bring me another Coors beyotch" and a lot of Shakespearean soliloquies of the grammatically incorrect variety.
Sometimes, I love the world.
I also love when celebrities act deliciously bitchy and engage in acts of violence against the little people, because nothing to me is funnier than a bad temper and a beatdown.
It should come as no surprise, then, that the Desperate Housewives brouhaha had me so excited that I was nearly hospitalized. It just amuses me so greatly that these adult women are acting like petulant little brats who are all trying to score that dress for the Spring Fling. I swear, I saw an afterschool special about this, except with less Botox.
You really have to pity Teri Hatcher. I mean, sure, she's the award winning member of the cast and gets all the accolades, but it wasn't too long ago that she was doing Radio Shack ads and, I'm sorry, there is lingering trauma there, you think people would be more sensitive about it. But instead, the rest of the cast hates her and actively conspires against her and Nicolette Sheridan even seems to have a deal with Star that they have to badmouth Teri every time she's mentioned. As if having to see Nicolette Sheridan up close wasn't scary enough. Poor thing.
You also have to pity Marcia Cross's publicist for being humiliated in front of people, but at the same time, this is Kimberly we're talking about, people, you have to know she's a little off-kilter in real life.
The final cover shoot shows that...well, Teri Hatcher's bathing suit wasn't really worth the catfight, was it?
Note to Marcia Cross--pick your battles wisely, okay? Don't use your powers of bitchcraft on a bathing suit that was obviously purchased at Contempo.
I've been watching a lot of MSNBC lately because, as I've mentioned, I do so love Dan Abrams. He's smart and he's sarcastic and he's willing to say to his guests, "Come on, you don't expect anybody to believe that, do you?" and it's wonderful, a real sight to behold.
The downside of watching a lot of MSNBC is prolonged exposure to Chris Matthews, who randomly appears all the time and screams loudly. They had him interview a childhood friend of the Pope and the poor old man looked so scared and uncomfortable to have Chris shouting at him like that.
This did have a point at one time, but damn if I remember what it was...oh, yes, it was very moving to see Dan Abrams wish Peter Jennings well in his treatment for lung cancer as Dan himself is a cancer survivor.
That wasn't my point at all, but I think I covered my lack of focus well.
Lastly, I had an argument with somebody today about George Michael, which is odd, considering that it's the year 2005. This person contends that George Michael isn't worthy of worship and I'm basically like "...". The man brought us Wham!, "Faith" and "Freedom 90". There should be statues of him on every street corner. I was also called "odd" for preferring his version of "I Can't Make You Love Me" to Bonnie Rait's. Whatevah! Whatevah! I do what I want!
Mallory at 4/05/2005 09:28:00 PM
Friday, April 01, 2005
What Would Your Idol Do?
Everybody needs an idol. Someone to look up to when the going gets tough, so if you're in a time of crisis or indecision, you can say "What would my idol do?" and then it all makes sense.
I'm in desperate need of an idol. Whenever something goes wrong, I ask, "What would my idol do?" and spend so much time trying to think of who to emulate that the opportunity is lost.
I know that the easy answer is Jesus. "What would Jesus do?" Which is all well and good, if that's your thing, except he's about turning the other cheek and his pacifistic nature is sort of unsatisfying.
I've been giving this a lot of thought and have created pros and cons for some of the celebrities I can see myself looking up do.
What Would Kimora Lee Simmons Do? (WWKLSD?)
Beat a bitch's ass
Pros: Hitting and/or kicking things gets the adrenaline going and gets your point across
Cons: I don't have enough time in my schedule for anger management classes
What Would George Michael Do? (WWGMD?)
Solicit an undercover cop for sex in a bathroom
Pros: It's always handy to make friends-or "friends", as it were-with a cop
Cons: Bathrooms are so unsanitary
What Would Kylie Minogue Do? (WWKMD?)
Put on her hot pants and groove in the streets
Pros: Dancing is always fun, and "At First Sight" is a catchy tune
Cons: It's not warm enough to pull out the hot pants just yet
What Would Lenny Briscoe Do? (WWLBD?)
Drink coffee and make wisecracks
Pros: I'm a well documented caffeine addict. Wisecracks are always fun, especially if it goes over the head of the person whose expense they're at. (Was that sentence English?)
Cons: I'm not as quick with a quip as Detective Briscoe, nor do I have one of his nice coats to get me in charcter
What Would Tom Cruise Do? (WWTCD?)
Have an energy bar and consult a portrait of L. Ron Hubbard
Pros: Well, Scientology works for Tom and he's one of the highest paid and most famous actors in the world...
Cons: L. Ron Hubbard is fucking scary. And the energy bar would probably be laced with thetans
What Would Luke Perry Do? (WWLPD?)
I'm not sure.
Pros: Luke Perry isn't doing anything, so he'd be free to meet and discuss this with him in person
Cons: I don't want to be known as the girl who gets advice from Luke Perry
What Would Janice Dickinson Do? (WWJDD?)
Smoke a pack of cigarettes and get Botox; possibly insult an aspiring model
Pros: Well if it works for Janice, it can work for anybody. Plus, the Botox will contort my face to scary proportions and no one will be willing to mess with me
Cons: I can't afford daily Botox treatments
What Would Jenna And Barbara Bush Do? (WWJ&BBD?)
Drink heavily and kick a Secret Service Agent
Pros: Violence and alcohol are fun on their own. Combined? Priceless
Cons: I don't actually know any Secret Service Agents
What Would P. Diddy Do? (WWPDD?)
Buy something diamond encrusted and send folks on a mission to get him Cambodian breast milk
Pros: Diamonds are pretty and there's nothing better than making wannabe singers walk through the five boroughs
Cons: I don't really have a taste for Cambodian breast milk
As you can see, my soul searching has not given me any answers. I shall keep you informed as my quest progresses.
In other news, I saw Sin City today and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. It was kind of great and the cinematography was just awesome. On the other hand, it sort of made my head spin and I am now petrified of Elijah Wood.
The character of Dwight has also forced me to reconsider my "U-G-L-Y, He ain't got no alibi" stance on Clive Owen. This is a very strange feeling and I don't quite like it.
I'm also somewhat amused by the fact that Mickey Rourke in full costume as Marv is far, far less horrifying a sight than Mickey Rouke regularly is.
Mallory at 4/01/2005 07:56:00 PM