Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Pray For Mojo

Gentle readers, the time has come for us to pray.

I don't know how many of you are religious or pray or believe in prayers, but we need to put aside our differences and send all of our good thoughts to someone who really needs it-Baby X.

You see, gentle readers, the rumors are true:

While last week I was ecstatic about the news of a Britney/Kevin reality show, I find this news to be oddly depressing, because Baby X is set for a hard lot in life. Oh, sure, he/she will have money, but you know what? There are certain wounds that money just can't heal. That's why Baby X needs us. Consider:

  • The child is going to have some crazy name. If we're going by Kevin's kids, Kori and Kaleb (sorry, Kaleb Michael Jackson), the bar is set pretty low. And if you figure in Britney's puppies Lucy Loo and Bit-Bit, we're approaching dangerous territory. This poor child will have a name worse than anything Posh and Becks dreamt up, like Auroraleesparkleboo Lynne, or perhaps, cribbing from Gwyneth, Eggplant. Or some word that they like the sound of, but don't know the meaning of, like Angina or Condom.

  • Okay, so the baby's mom was hot back in the day of "Slave 4 U", but somewhere along the way, she morphed into this. Linebacker neck notwithstanding (but DAMN, there are NFL players with smaller necks than that), what is with her hair? It looks like the wig a bad show would use to denote that a character is a lesbian. From the 70s. All the money in the world and she leaves the house with a ratty weave.

  • That's not even as bad, though, as finding out that your mom once left the house in a Carpe Assum trucker hat with acne medication smeared all over her face.

    Or the orange pimp suit. Or the pot leaf sweater with magenta lipstick. Or the MILF in Training shirt. Or the hot pink do-rag. Etc.

    I just don't get it, Patty Hearst was kidnapped and yet managed to be stylish in her kicky beret. Britney is free and yet dresses like that.

  • The baby can't look to dear old dad for fashion cues, though. Kevin is excessively fond of capri pants and untied shoelaces. And that one wifebeater he wears all the time. And the Rock out with your cock out hat. And, dear god, the cornrows. Cornrows!

  • Cornrows.

  • Imagine having to hear, in detail, about your mother's former relationships. I am not talking about her twelve minute Vegas marriage or even her love affair with Justin Timberlake, and when Justin Timberlake isn't the biggest douchebag you've dated, things are dire. I am talking about Colin Farrell, AKA Hollywood's Walking Talking STD. Just a rule of thumb--don't date men who you can smell from miles away. And I will bet that if you take a sniff right now, you can smell Colin Farrell's blend of brandy and BO from wherever you are right now. And then! THEN! She let Fred Durst hit it. Fred Fuckng Durst. You should NEVER EVER EVER hang out with Fred Durst, in a professional capacity or otherwise. That's just asking for trouble. Fred Durst! Of course, I'm of the mind that Fred Durst should be forced to live in a bubble, isolated from the rest of society, so I'm biased. But still. Fred Durst + A Human Being = Disaster. Actually, that's not fair to the animal kingdom.

  • Baby X is going to have the odds stacked severely against him in the intelligence department. Because Mom and Dad? Not so bright. That sounds harsh, but genius does not lie in these two people. Look at her eyes! They're EMPTY. They're going to bring this poor kid up thinking that Canada is overseas. The kid is already left behind, the US Education system doesn't even need to try to fuck him/her up.

  • The baby's father is Kevin Federline. Kevin's claim to fame, besides marrying Britney, is being a backup dancer for LFO. LFO. That stands for Lite [sic] Funky Ones. The same Lite [sic] Funky Ones who brought us the masterpiece Summer Girls. The only people lamer than the members of LFO are their backup dancers. That's the type of stuff you kill-literally-to get wiped off your resume.

  • Who are the baby's godparents going to be? I hope they don't look to Kevin's friends to fill the role. That would mean the return of the white pimp sweatsuits that made their first classy appearance at Britney and Kevin's wedding. You know that any of these people would try to steal the priest's chalice and make a speech about keeping it crunk. I bet they call each other bro.

  • Speaking of the wedding of the century, wouldn't you just die if you heard that your parents had a surprise wedding and celebrated with Phil Collins songs and chicken fingers, and then your dad had to carry your mom out of the club that night because she was too wasted to walk? That's what Baby X faces. And the officially released wedding photos!
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Stephanie Seymor rejected that shit on the set of the "November Rain" video. 80s nostalgia is all well and good, but this just crossed the line.

  • And what about if you heard that your parents were majorly fond of public displays of affection? You'd turn to a life of Vicodin addiction, right? Think of poor Baby X, who has to live with the knowledge that his/her parents dry hump each other in public parks and made out on hotel balconies and did something substantially less family friendly than that on the same hotel balcony, judging from Kevin's facial expression. It's like setting your child up for a life of crime.

    Do you see? Do you see how badly Baby X needs us? Please, think of this poor child and send all of your good vibes his/her way. Because if you don't, Baby X will wind up dressed in a baby trucker hat on his/her way out of the hospital and that's just wrong. He/she needs all of the help we can give them.

    Mallory at 4/12/2005 08:36:00 PM

    3comments

    3 Comments

    at 10:03 AM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Give this girl a round of applause, because that was great.

     
    at 4:42 PM Blogger CLC said...

    Perfect! That was awesome... couldn't have said it better myself - so I didn't try - instead just linked to your entry on my blog. :)

     
    at 8:40 PM Blogger Rayanne Graff said...

    You know what would be great? If Britney and Skeeverline were too drunk/high/trashed/otherwise engaged to name the baby, and it got called Baby X by default.

    Awesome as ever.

     

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