Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Question Time
I know this will shock some of you, but it's time for me to admit the truth-sometimes, I don't have all the answers. It's really sort of depressing, because I have so many questions...
1. Why do I know who Natasha McElhone is?
Following a conversation with my lovely professor Kim about Christian Bale, which seems to be the topic of roughly 78% of all of my conversations lately (please save taunting for later, thank you), we got on a tangent about Natasha McElhone. We both know who she is and what she's been in. But why? The woman's CV includes such classics Ronin, Solaris and Feardotcom, not to mention her current role on NBC's brilliant religious/Armageddon masterpiece Revelations. So her choice in parts sucks. And she performs these crappy parts poorly (apparently her role in Revelations is not comedic. Who knew?). And she's not exactly gorgeous; she sort of resembles a strange mix of Jane Seymour and Meryl Streep, but without any of their positive attributes. Yes, for the purposes of this piece, we are operating under the assumption that Jane Seymour has positive attributes.
So what gives? Why is she famous? Why do I know her name, what she's been in and the fact that she has a son named Otis?
2. What's the deal with TV Turn-Off week?
I mean, I understand the point, I guess--all TV and no books make people dumb. Or something. But it hits this irrational pet peeve of mine, which is people getting all judgey about television. "Oh, I don't watch television". Well, that's lovely for you. I refuse to give up Top Model and Desperate Housewives and if I don't make fun of you for liking Friends, you don't get your judge on about that, okay?
Also, I'd argue that it's totally possible to watch television and read books and be a properly functioning member of society. Case in point-me. I do both. Granted, I can't add fractions, but I've managed.
The most annoying thing is this handy dandy device that will turn off other TVs. I don't even know. As my friend Jess said:
everybody turn off that tube and spend your days masturbating to Adbusters and getting high off your smug sense of superiority! Hoooraay!
3. Why does Lindsay Lohan look like she's ready to collect social security?
I've discussed this elsewhere, but I'm honestly disturbed by the fact that, seemingly overnight, Lindsay has turned 65. It's just...ew.
4. Why are Britney Spears Federline and Kevin Federline Spears so grotsky?
I ask this every single day and nobody has an answer for me. It's like their grossness multiplies by the minute. If you're an ick afficionado, you can't ask for anything better than these two. Ol' Britters is showing off her taste in maternity wear; taste that is, as the kids say, so not good. A curtain and Uggs? To quote the woman herself, that is a total ugh. Not to mention that stupid face she always makes. But honestly, she's like Grace Kelly compared to her husband. I mean, what is that? I know some people don't have standards and I'm well aware that Britney is among them, but the man has a potbelly and a half-ponytail. I'm honestly so repulsed that I don't even know that I can say anything more.
5. Why is Kirsten Dunst playing Marie Antoinette?
I mean really, why? The girl starred in Dick, which I adore to an unhealthy degree, so I will always have a soft spot for her, but Marie Antoinette? Jigga what?
6. Is there a scientific equation proving that British men and their children is, in fact, the cutest thing in the world?
I only ask because seeing Jude Law and his kids and Golden Balls Beckham picking up Brooklyn made me go "Awww!" Just wondering.
7. Why is Lisa Whelchel crazy?
Because honestly, what is there to say besides "Bitch crazy"? Who would have thought that Blair and her gorgeous hair would turn into...a crackpot. I don't doubt that Lisa loves Jesus, but if Jesus truly loved her, he'd have talked her out of starring in that Facts of Life reunion movie. I'm just saying.
8. Why are people so devoted to the idea of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a couple?
Because I don't get it. Brad Pitt-boring. Angelina Jolie-annoying. Jennifer Aniston-boring. I don't care about any of the individuals involved in this story and I don't understand why the media is rushing to declare a Brad/Angelina twu luv type dealie. Why do people still care about Brad Pitt? Did they not see the trailers for Troy? I ask you.
9. Why am I craving Pocky so badly?
And in a related question, why can't I find Pocky anywhere? It's driving me mad. Right about now, Pocky and a Starbucks Affogato sound like a little piece of heaven.
10. Why is Anna Wintour so evil?
I don't ask this in the "Why does she kick her employees just to make them cry" way, because I think being an evil dragon person would be fun once in a while and I can't deny her that. I ask because I was so set to quit Vogue forever, following a year in which the cover models have included Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Lopez and, lord help us all, Melania Knauss, but the witch pulls me back in with a Liya Kebede cover. Damn you, Wintour! Damn you!
She added to her evil quotient by including Veronica Webb in this issue. Veronica Webb is, as you know, one of the worst models evah, part of an exclusive triumvirate with Esther Canadas and the horrific Kristen McMenamy. Thankfully, Esther Canadas seems to have disappeared and the last I heard of Kristen McMenamy was a brief mention in Glamorama. Why can't Veronica Webb disappear like that?
Mallory at 4/26/2005 08:28:00 PM
1 Comments
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at 1:50 PM
CLC said... I could not agree with you more about Turn-Off-Your-TV week. Put simply, I don't trust anyone who doesn't watch TV. Maybe it is just my addiction to Celebreality and syndicated Law & Order goodness speaking, but seriously, when did watching TV mean you were the moral and intellectual equivalent to an eggplant? TV gives us all a shared background, no matter where we are from or what we have done. In this big, diverse world, that's a pretty cool thing.
Bravo on calling out Lindsay Faux-han!!! I am so happy someone else finds that the fluorescent lights have apparently baked her straight from The Parent trap redux to stand-in for Nicolette Sheridan on Desperate Housewives (with that new blonde-do, they are eerily similar, though NS may look younger)...