Mallory at 9/26/2004 02:38:00 AM

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Friday, September 24, 2004

80s Clothes and No Class Hos

I have to admit to being a bit disturbed by the 80s revival that we've got going on these days. Not that the 80s weren't fabulous in their own fluorescent way, but really, why do Bergdorf Goodman and Saks need to sell Jordache? And for, like, $150? What next, the return of Members Only jackets for $270 a pop?

I should mention, perhaps, that my distaste for this 80s popularity is, like all things in my life, at least sixty percent selfish. I've been known to wear a side ponytail rather often and crimp my hair when bored, and it's always been fun because it's so outre. But if everybody starts vibing this revival, girls with my hairstyle are going to be a dime a dozen and that's just no fun, no fun at all. It's never cool when tacky people start biting your style.

Speaking of tacky people, has it been a great week for no class celebrities or what? You have Britney getting married or faux married, not like she knows the difference (meth will do that to you), Jennifer Lopez getting served by Richard Gere, a bar fight on the premiere of ANTM, Star Jones continuing her quest to have the most gauche wedding ever and Anne Rice losing it. It was a pretty awesome week, no?

What can be said about Britney's wedding that has not been said already? Springing a surprise ceremony on guests and making lil sis Jamie Lynne cry. Pimp sweatsuits. Chicken fingers. Phil Collins cds. Four (!) wardrobe changes after the ceremony. Kevin carrying the bride out of a club, presumably because she couldn't do it herself. Kevin crying when he saw Britney in her "Wicked" lingerie. Allegations of a faux wedding. Kevin correctly using the word "wed" in a People magazine interview. It is like watching somebody's acid trip, you simply cannot make this stuff up.

Jennifer Lopez on Diane Sawyer was a thing of utter hilarity. For starters, she had about fourteen pounds of makeup on. Her mascara alone probably weighed more than her husband does. She also insisted on being lit differently from Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon and the camera had about four tubes of Vaseline on it. And she still looked like she could be Susan Sarandon's older sister, despite Susan being twenty years her senior. She acted like a dizzy ass, basically, calling herself "Bronxy" and claiming not to have used the word flutterbug in an interview, despite the interview being on tape. Whatevah, Jen. The highpoint of the interview, though, had to be Richard Gere asking Jen about Marc Anthony's kids. When she responded that he did, indeed, have other kids, Richard asked how old they are. Y'all, deer in headlights does not even describe. She had no clue and you could almost see her trying to remember what her assistant told her about these weird kid before she answered. When Richard Gere, renowned for his sexual escapades with gerbils, manages to one up you on national television, your star has fallen.

The very first episode of America's Next Top Model had no HotNigel (Pout) and, criminally, no Janice (Boo!) but lots of drama. There was the eating disorder fight between Eva The Diva and Amy-who, I'm sorry, was 90 pounds soaking wet, she was being awfully generous with claiming to be 115. There was J. Alexander in pigtails and a pink do-rag laughing at the wannabes. There was almost a dance-off. There was a bar fight, with glasses being thrown and a girl screaming "Bitch poured beer on my weave!". It? Was awesome.

Star Jones takes tack to a whole new level, asking for people to sponsor her wedding to her dapper darling. I guess she needs to save all of her money to pay her fiance to go along with this charade.

Amazon.com readers poured beer on Anne Rice's weave and she fought back. Archive of the paragraph long review that never ends. I...really don't know what to say. People who like her books are Brilliant, while people who don't are too dumb to read them correctly. Mmmkay. Watching people have mental breakdowns in the public eye is far more fun than it has any right to be.

Mallory at 9/24/2004 02:15:00 PM

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Sunday, September 19, 2004

The Best and Worst of the Fall Fashion Campaigns

Every month, fashion magazines are filled with advertisements. Most people ignore them because, really...well, no, I never ignore them, as I am one of those sick freaks who enjoys ads as much as she does articles, but I hear from people that the ads are pointless filler.

However, no matter how hard you try, you cannot avoid advertisements in the Fall Fashion issues of W, Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Elle. For every one page of content (that, when you really think about it, is advertising something), there are twelve pages of ads. The fall issues of these fine magazines are like books, and I have killer arms from carrying them around my room.

Anyhoo...some of these ads are plain fabulous. The model, the setting, the clothes, the photography-just phenomenal. And others are just the total opposite. Like, so bad that you stare at them in horror for a bit, before ripping them up and throwing them out.

For your pleasure, I know present to you the Best and Worst Fall Fashion Ads of 2004.

Ready?

The Best Fashion Campaigns

Dior

This season's Dior ads feature the controversial supermodel Gisele Bundchen, who many don't like. However, I do, and it's my list, so she's on it. Seriously, these ads are fierce. Lots of color, lots of brights, and they even managed to give her the illusion of curves. See? She actually has a defined waist there, it's rather amazing. These ads are fun and funky, and so Dior, really.

Gucci

The Gucci ads feature the gorgeous Daria Werbowy, who looks totally great in them, even in a blue sequined dress. They're very classic, and very sexy.

Prada

You can always count on Prada for a totally out there campaign, and this season was no different. They feature Elise Crombez and Gemma Ward and it's sort of eerie, and sort of retro and a bit outre, but still fabulous. I don't know how they managed it, but they did.

YSL

Speaking of Gemma, her YSL ads are insane. Like, utterly crazy, really, but SO good. A cheongsam and a bouffant work perfectly here, as do killer wedges and teased hair and flowers. They're really divine, and artistic, and I think they prove that Gemma is more than a model who sort of resembles a fetus from some angles. I really want to see more from her, she's capable of pulling off some killer shoots. You go, YSL and Gemma.

Calvin Klein

I admit to being confused by the Calvin ads at first. They're a bit out there, with Natalia Vodianova done up in glam clothes and smoky eyes...sitting among leaves and branches? And then humping a tree? And, seriously, she just missed showing her cooter by, like, two centimeters in one of them. They're really strange, it's like, "Oh, she's in a tree, in the woods. Oh, no, wait, there's a brick wall. Uh. What the hell is this?" But it actually works. I don't know how, but it does.

Missoni

Kate Moss's new Missoni ads are really retro, and have sort of a Marisa Berenson vibe to them. Long, straight blond hair, dark eyeliner, with a bit of a hippie feel. They're very pink and peach based, with lots of sunlight, and the overall effect is really pretty.

David Yurman

I've always been a fan of the David Yurman ads, as they feature Kate Moss and Amber Valletta, and because, as jewelry ads, they're very face focused, and Kate and Amber always look stunning. So yay!

Louis Vuitton

We should get this out of the way now-I hate when actresses act as spokesmodels. Just no, yo. And this campaign features Scarlett Johansson, Diane Kruger, Christina Ricci and Chloe Sevigny. Why?! The Vuitton campaigns have always been interesting when they featured dynamic models, but after Jennifer Lopez, I guess anything seems to be okay. Which is why I sort of like these ads. Actually, it's mostly because of the hot red shoes they feature. So fantastic.

And The Worst

Moschino

I feel sort of like a hypocrite, because I love Gemma Ward so much that one would think that my China Doll model love would extend to Lily Cole, too. But it doesn't, I can't stand Lily Cole, she sort of looks like an anime character to me, or a cross between an anime character and a troll whose face is too large. Unsurprisingly, her Moschino ads are awful. She looks sort of like a freak marionette, limbs flailing awkwardly. They're a tiny bit horrifying, really.

St. John By Marie Gray

Kelly Gray's St. Johns are always awful, mainly because she's in them. They're boring and narcissistic, and her stupid bland face and blonde bob haven't changed in the last decade and, as CEO of the company, she gets to put herself in them, and jet off with handsome men to exotic locations for shoots. Argh! And I see these ads everywhere, and I hate them. Hate, hate, hate them.

Saks Fifth Avenue

The Saks ads are utterly ridiculous. They are trying to get us to believe that Bai Ling is classy, and that Marley Shelton is relevent. Um, no, Saks. Just no.

Marc Jacobs

It pains me to say it, y'all, but the Marc Jacobs ads this season are so shitty. I cannot figure out why he chose to feature Rachel Feinstein, who may be one of the ugliest women on the planet. Shudder.

Miu Miu

Again, with the actor as the model. Maggie Gyllenhaal looks so fucking greasy in these ads. I don't know why people consider it a good look, I just wanted to blot her face. And her haircut is not doing her any favors. They're dirty looking ads, and not in the fun way.

Roberto Cavalli

The Cavalli ads feature the fab Angela Lindvall, so I should be happy, no? No. They're very dark, and all of the models have this slightly psychotic look to them. It's serial killer chic.

Oscar De La Renta

The Oscar ads feature Isabeli Fontana, who could easily be starring in "The Jaw That Ate Manhattan." They're not so good, especially because she looks really manly in one of them, and I had to think for a minute of who this new transsexual model was, until I flipped the page and realized it was still Isabeli. Yikes.

Michael, by Michael Kors

The theme of these ads is that Molly Sims is a suburban mom and professional. So she can wear her chic and cheap Michael clothes to work, to pick the kids up from school and the like. Which is a nice theory, I suppose, but it doesn't really work, because Molly Sims looks like a damn horse. Dress her up however you want, she looks better suited to a stable than a Chevy Suburban.

Mallory at 9/19/2004 04:51:00 AM

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Saturday, September 18, 2004

I've hopped on the Blogspot bandwagon, because that's the kind of girl I am, and this is a bit of a test to see if this thingy works.

Macauly Culkin being arrested for pot possession is in the top five of the funniest things that have happened in September. And he wasn't even driving the car that got pulled over! How lame! You'd think that spending so many years escaping those burglars would help him think of ways to get out of trouble.

When did Edward Furlong turn into a fat, ugly lesbian?

This week is the return of America's Next Top Model Wheee! I couldn't possibly be more excited.

No, wait, I could, because Vicki Beckham is allegedly writing another book! I may have to have a Beckham Celebration Week, I'll keep you posted with details.

Mallory at 9/18/2004 08:27:00 PM

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