Friday, September 24, 2004
80s Clothes and No Class Hos
I have to admit to being a bit disturbed by the 80s revival that we've got going on these days. Not that the 80s weren't fabulous in their own fluorescent way, but really, why do Bergdorf Goodman and Saks need to sell Jordache? And for, like, $150? What next, the return of Members Only jackets for $270 a pop?
I should mention, perhaps, that my distaste for this 80s popularity is, like all things in my life, at least sixty percent selfish. I've been known to wear a side ponytail rather often and crimp my hair when bored, and it's always been fun because it's so outre. But if everybody starts vibing this revival, girls with my hairstyle are going to be a dime a dozen and that's just no fun, no fun at all. It's never cool when tacky people start biting your style.
Speaking of tacky people, has it been a great week for no class celebrities or what? You have Britney getting married or faux married, not like she knows the difference (meth will do that to you), Jennifer Lopez getting served by Richard Gere, a bar fight on the premiere of ANTM, Star Jones continuing her quest to have the most gauche wedding ever and Anne Rice losing it. It was a pretty awesome week, no?
What can be said about Britney's wedding that has not been said already? Springing a surprise ceremony on guests and making lil sis Jamie Lynne cry. Pimp sweatsuits. Chicken fingers. Phil Collins cds. Four (!) wardrobe changes after the ceremony. Kevin carrying the bride out of a club, presumably because she couldn't do it herself. Kevin crying when he saw Britney in her "Wicked" lingerie. Allegations of a faux wedding. Kevin correctly using the word "wed" in a People magazine interview. It is like watching somebody's acid trip, you simply cannot make this stuff up.
Jennifer Lopez on Diane Sawyer was a thing of utter hilarity. For starters, she had about fourteen pounds of makeup on. Her mascara alone probably weighed more than her husband does. She also insisted on being lit differently from Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon and the camera had about four tubes of Vaseline on it. And she still looked like she could be Susan Sarandon's older sister, despite Susan being twenty years her senior. She acted like a dizzy ass, basically, calling herself "Bronxy" and claiming not to have used the word flutterbug in an interview, despite the interview being on tape. Whatevah, Jen. The highpoint of the interview, though, had to be Richard Gere asking Jen about Marc Anthony's kids. When she responded that he did, indeed, have other kids, Richard asked how old they are. Y'all, deer in headlights does not even describe. She had no clue and you could almost see her trying to remember what her assistant told her about these weird kid before she answered. When Richard Gere, renowned for his sexual escapades with gerbils, manages to one up you on national television, your star has fallen.
The very first episode of America's Next Top Model had no HotNigel (Pout) and, criminally, no Janice (Boo!) but lots of drama. There was the eating disorder fight between Eva The Diva and Amy-who, I'm sorry, was 90 pounds soaking wet, she was being awfully generous with claiming to be 115. There was J. Alexander in pigtails and a pink do-rag laughing at the wannabes. There was almost a dance-off. There was a bar fight, with glasses being thrown and a girl screaming "Bitch poured beer on my weave!". It? Was awesome.
Star Jones takes tack to a whole new level, asking for people to sponsor her wedding to her dapper darling. I guess she needs to save all of her money to pay her fiance to go along with this charade.
Amazon.com readers poured beer on Anne Rice's weave and she fought back. Archive of the paragraph long review that never ends. I...really don't know what to say. People who like her books are Brilliant, while people who don't are too dumb to read them correctly. Mmmkay. Watching people have mental breakdowns in the public eye is far more fun than it has any right to be.
Mallory at 9/24/2004 02:15:00 PM