Tuesday, January 31, 2006
The Case Against Brad
I hope she's coping by doing a happy dance throughout her house, down the street and in crowded restaurants, squealing because she is so filled with glee not to be saddled down with Brad Pitt anymore. Perhaps even calling Angelina Jolie to warn her that Brad will need his shoes tied everyday and the menu read to him when they go out to dinner.
It is truly and horribly offensive to me that the glossy magazine purchasing public is forced to take part in a media-created freakshow in which two women fight over a bland, low-functioning, bad actor and that said bland, low-functioning, bad actor is held up as some sort of American ideal, that this is the superstar to end all superstars and <3OMGBRADPITT4EVAH!<3
I'm going to be frank here: Brad Pitt sucks. I won't hear evidence to the contrary. I have come to this conclusion in a highly scientific manner and present the following facts to back up my claim which, really, needs no backing up at all because it is so true.
"Oh, please", you'll say. "He was in Ocean's 11! And he was in Thelma and Louise and Fight Club and Seven AND he got an Oscar nomination for Twelve Monkeys, SO THERE! And Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a hit!!!!!"
And you know what I'll do? Laugh in your face. Sure, Seven is awesome and Fight Club is great, but the success of Ocean's 11 had absolutely zero to do with him, and Twelve Monkeys was in the year of Braveheart, when critics were smoking every crack pipe in their reach, so whatever, and people wanted to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith to see if they could find clues to support the theory that he and Angelina were having sex. And even if I give you those movies, he has also appeared in The Devil's Own, Interview With the Vampire, Seven Years In Tibet, Legends of the Fall (Fact: I did not know until today that this is actually a different movie than A River Runs Through It), The Mexican and Troy. His foray into the world of animated films where he did not have to use any facial expressions also failed miserably, as Sinbad will attest. Then, of course, there's Meet Joe Black. Because of that movie, there is a warrant out for his arrest in seventeen states.
Really. Try and defend him all you want, but the one-two punch of Meet Joe Black and The Devil's Own is just too powerful and probably qualify as human rights violations.
I do not fully understand why Jennifer Aniston was always the subject of nasty comments like, "She's only famous because of Brad!!!!!!!!" Did her magazine sales get a boost due to bagging the Sexiest Man Alive (Prediction: He wins the title again this year)? Probably. But she was a well established television star before that and Rachel Green was always the most popular character on Friends (if ever there was a statement damning with faint praise...), so whatever. It's not like she was a street urchin before they met or anything. But this is not about Jennifer Aniston, it is about how freaky Brad Pitt is when he is dating someone. Not freaky deaky like an episode of Law & Order: SVU but freaky like he gloms onto their appearance.
He also dated Robin Givens and, you know, I have a hard time listening to praise of him when one of his ex-girlfriends was married to Mike Tyson. I mean, if ever there was a case of BAD TASTE, this is it.
Hmm, I think I forgot one of his girlfriends...oh, right...
On the set of Too Young To Die (often, as one would ascertain from the title, played on Lifetime), Brad Pitt met and started a romance with Juliette Lewis. Say what you want about Juliette Lewis--and I say a lot. Um, cornrows?!--but something is very peculiar about this romance. Namely that he was 27 and she was 16.
In my neck of the woods, we have a word for 27 year old men who date 16 year old girls. That word is ick. And also, pervert. Eleven years when the younger person is 23? Fine. 36 and 47? Fantastic. 64 and 75? Wonderful. 16 and 27? Ew. Like, seriously, ew.
I am the type of person, for better or for worse, who judges people based on appearances. Has it gotten me into trouble before? No.
It is obvious, to me, that there is nothing going on behind Brad Pitt's eyes. If you look at the photo on his IMDB Page you may say to yourself, "Yikes! Could they not find a better picutre? Like, one that doesn't radiate skank and duh?"
No, they can't. A friend once famously referred to him as Brad "The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead" Pitt, which is all too apt. The man is just not there.
If his facial expressions are not the epitome of doofiness, I do not know what is.
(All that and he is close to his Troy co-star Orlando Bloom. That much concentrated stupidity will cause an explosion one day)
I think we've learned a valuable lesson here today, haven't we? If we unite in our belief that Brad Pitt is not all that and the proverbial bag of chips, perhaps he will not be foisted upon us all as the greatest ever and we can actually pick up a magazine without being confronted by lies about his talent and IQ.
Mallory at 1/31/2006 12:36:00 PM
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Shut Up, Tom
There was a point in time where I abused the word douchebag, using it to describe people and things that ranged from profoundly irritating to just there. When I started referring to office products and similarly bland inanimate objects as douchebags, I knew I went too far.
However. There is no word that encapsulates all that is wrong with Tom Cruise the way that douchebag does. Sure, schmuck and prick are succinctly brutal, but when you say the word "douchebag" out loud (try it!), you actually sneer. It's perfect for conveying derision.
Since we can all see where this is going, I'll just come right out and say it: Tom Cruise Is A Douchebag.
It's not earth shattering news, no, and I'm aware that my obsession with Tom & Katie and Tara Reid are symptoms of a mental defect of sorts, but I need to make this clear and scream it from the hills and since I'm not near any hills, this forum will have to do.
This week alone, Tiny Tom has reassured the world that despite pretenders to the throne like Jake "I am really straight, I just had to pretend to be a gay in a movie, but I sure do like the ladies, because I'm straight, not gay" Gyllenhaal, taking a page from the master's book, and Adrien "We don't even need to give examples, do we?" Brody, he really is the king.
1. Attempted Murder
I may be reading into things a bit too much (I've been accused of it in the past), but I really think that he is attempting to strangle Ellen in this supremely awkard photo.
It's almost like you can actually hear him say, "Smile at that camera or I'll kill you. Do it!"
Plus, even if Ellen's neck wasn't broken in the attack, she undoubtedly got Scientology cooties which, ew.
And the sunglasses! Oh my GOD, the sunglasses. Tom, it's not the Top Gun era anymore!
2. Hypersensitive, Homophobic Nutjob
The episode of South Park that made fun of Tom Cruise's hiding in the closet cannot be shown in the UK and will likely never be shown again in the US, because Tom Cruise didn't find it funny. What does Tom Cruise find funny? I bet that sick bastard watches Joey...
Anyway, here is a list of things I don't find funny:
Just, you know, for the record.
And seriously, I am the most hypersensitive person I know, to the extent where playful teasing often leaves me in tears, and if I am judging Tom from overreacting, there is a problem.
3. Paranoid Freak
From that bastion of all that is good and right, Page Six:
TOM Cruise spends a lot of time with his adopted children, Isabelle and Connor, but he's had help in the form of nannies. Suzanne Hansen, who worked for Mike Ovitz, Debra Winger and Danny DeVito for years, just wrote a book, "You'll Never Nanny in This Town Again," about her experiences. She told PAGE SIX and "The Insider" that, "Tom would make his nannies sign confidentiality agreements that were so strict, they couldn't even say for whom they were working. So basically, if [Cruise] went on camera and said how he didn't have any help raising his children, they couldn't say anything." Hansen, who knew Cruise in the days when he was with Nicole Kidman, added, "I never saw her" - fueling suspicions that Kidman was less than a full-time mother to her adopted kids.
Okay, so the Kidman part is pretty interesting, but overall: the man is a lunatic. I am sure that he is going to sue this woman, like, five minutes ago for this, but it is interesting all the same. Does everybody he comes into contact with need to sign a confidentiality agreement? Like, do the Starbucks baristas have to promise not to tell that he gets a caramel macchiato and not a venti quad cappuccino?
4. Rampant Egomania
What could be better than receiving the DVDs of every single movie your fiance has ever been in? I mean, besides jewelry, cash, liquor, gift certificates, tickets to the movie theater, Bath and Body Works gift sets, a re-gifted fondue set, underwear and the flue.
That's right, nothing! Especially when the DVDs are lovingly inscribed. I can only imagine what he wrote...
I mean, really. The midget is ridiculous.
I can only imagine that he will get more and more insane as the weeks go on and, in a desperate attempt to push Brad and Angelina off of the front pages (aside: I am ohmigod so sick of them and can't the trend of couple names like Brangelina and Bennifer and TomKat just DIE ALREADY?!?!?!) he will resort to drastic measures. I don't know what could be more drastic than his couch jumping foolishness, but I know he'll try to top it.
Mallory at 1/22/2006 03:56:00 PM
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Brought To You By The Letter G
I hope you didn't expect in depth reporting, for I am saving that for my traditional Oscar night live-blogging (doing something once equals a tradition, right? Right). I was basically happy with all of the winners, save Mary Louise Parker; I know, okay? I know Desperate Housewives sucks this season, but come ON! Marcia Cross has played my two favorite television characters evah (Bree and Kimberly Shaw, obvs.), and she still has no awards. What is with that?! Thrilled with the Brokeback Mountain recognition and the love for Felicity Huffman. Can we talk about her for a second? Fantastic. Just fantastic.
Also on the fantastic tip? Some celebrities did me proud and looked stunning on the red carpet.
Naturally, there were some who were quite the opposite of fantastic. As in grotsky.
I am also confused about a few things...
The cast of "Desperate Housewives" were the last to make a backstage appearance, long after the room started to clear out. "Felicity was up for an award and we all had to run back and support her," show creator Mark Cherry explained.
But at that point, only seven reporters were left, prompting Teri Hatcher to say, "There is just something so incredibly pathetic about this."
Cherry said each member of the cast and crew would get a chance to pose for a picture with the award the show won for best TV comedy or musical. "And I have mine from last year," Hatcher said, "so I'm cool."
From the most downloaded woman on the internet to this. How sad.
I will just come out and say it: I was so happy he won last night. Blah blah blah Paul Giamatti, whatever. I loved Syriana and I like Clooney against my better judgment. I mean, the man is responsible for extending the Ocean's 11 franchise, he produced Rock Star and do we even need to talk about Batman? But at the same time, he was in Three Kings, O Brother Where Art Thou? and he produced Far From Heaven...on the other hand, he dated Krista Allen..but he is so charming! And he hates Bill O'Reilly! I just can't not love him. I just can't.
Nicole Richie is dating Steve-O. That is just so ew. And somewhere, ANTM's Lisa pees in a diaper and she doesn't know why...
Hush yo' mouth, Wendy Pepper. Seriously. Maybe--and this is just a guess--her husband had issues watching his wife act more awful than most reality tv contestants ever? Because she was loathsome. And I have no problem with mean people most of the time but (a)Project Runway is not the type of show that you go on with a strategy, freak and (b)despite the fact that she made it to Fashion Week (over my beloved Austin Scarlett, no less!), the woman has no talent. And there are few things* that I can stand less than arrogance with no talent behind it.
*Blatant lie, but that has more to do with my being easily agitated than anything
I feel sort of like if I keep talking about how much I hate Sienna Miller that the cops are going to come arrest me, but seriously, I can't freaking stand her. Everything I read about her irritates me in the biggest way possible, like...
"I'm quite looking forward to the day when our paths will cross, which I know they will...she better live in fear."
I bet she is totally scared of all 102 pounds of you. Personally, I think you should focus your attention on hiding from Naomi Campbell, who is none too thrilled with your copying Kate Moss, but what do I know? Is her 15 minutes of fame up yet? How about...no?
Mallory at 1/17/2006 09:03:00 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Seriously? WTF?
So Colin Farrell scored the biggest success of his entire career with the shutting down the website featuring his sex tape.
The thing is, I don't understand why he would want to do that.
Okay, so most people don't want tapes of them having sex thrown across the internet. I get that. But in the case of Colin Farrell, it's a step up of sorts. A step up from the gutter, sure, but a step up nonetheless. It harkens back to a time when he had not yet puffed up with a bloat that would garner snickers from Ben Affleck and Vince Vaughn, and it is surely better quality than Alexander.
At the rate his career is going, he's soon going to have to audition for projects like that.
Colin Farrell's whole career mystifies me. He is not a terribly talented actor. He has caterpillars on his face that he tries to pass off as "eyebrows", but we all know better. Films that he stars in flounder pathetically at the box office. He looks like he smells like cheap cologne and whiskey. He can give you an STD on sight.
Now, I don't know about you, but, generally, when I encounter a person who's none too good-looking and none too bright, who has syphillis and can't hold a steady job, I silently judge them and mock them with friends. But not so Hollywood. No. They see fit to give this skeezer multiple chances and to refer to him as a hunk in the press. What?
I guess it all started with Tigerland, a film that I did not see that had some level of critical acclaim. Ish. I mean, as acclaimed as a Joel Schumacher film is capable of being. In Tigerland (Which was filmed in 1999, mind you), Colin Farrell reached his hotness plateau.
Since American girls are notoriously easy when a British accent is involved, Hollywood figured that an Irish accent would be an even bigger draw, so they gave Colin all sorts of work, like American Outlaws and Hart's War. Which, actually, now that I think about it is a punishment of sorts. I mean, true, Bruce Willis was coming off of The Sixth Sense, so maybe it was an okay move, but American Outlaws? With Scott Caan and the Ali who isn't the Doritos girl? Ew. But that ruins my argument, so never mind.
During this time, he was married for approximately four months. That is not germane to anything, but I thought I'd throw it in there. He also indulged in the tool move of tattooing her name on his finger like, hi, why even bother getting married because that is a death wish right there.
Colin hit the jackpot with Minority Report: Cruise and Spielberg = Gold. It was a surefire box office hit, and was actually really good, and he was clinging to handsomeness. Yes, he was probably cast merely because he was the only man in Hollywood who didn't tower over Tom Cruise and because Tom Cruise, um, wanted him, but getting a good part is getting a good part no matter how you got it.
Then he was on the cover of Vanity Fair and was basically a freak. The interview was all about booze and broads, and he wore a strange hat in the accompanying photographs. Minus the strange hat, the Colin Farrell described in the VF interview became the superstar. Sure, he acted and stuff, but basically, he was drunk, raunchy and had sex with anything possessing the necessary orifices.
He and Joel Schumacher reunited for Phone Booth which was unsurprisingly mediocre. He then starred opposite the also elfin Al Pacino in The Recruit which I saw and which sucked, and in my defense, my roommate and I snuck into it and did not contribute to the box office in any way. The biggest thing about The Recruit was that it was really bad and that Colin took Britney Spears to the premiere and they made out and were icky.
Pro:
Cons:
Colin Farrell then banged the entire porn community, developed an even stronger brogue (...) and got ugly. Like, icky. Because as we all saw in Daredevil, possibly the worst movie ever made, the man is simply not good looking. He looked terrifying with a shaved head because the eyebrows threatened to take on a life of their own. He got bloated, he looked like he smelled, he impregnated his girlfriend, according to industry gossip he bought his sister implants(!), he drank a lot, he made S.W.A.T. (I think...did that movie actually exist? I don't remember it), and then came Alexander.
By the blond mullet alone, you know it's a disaster. But it actually got even worse. It was poorly written, poorly acted, pretentious, long and extremely campy. But they didn't embrace the camp. They took it seriously and---no. No. It was just--I have no words. It was that bad. That bad.
And I know I am harping on this, but seriously, does the man have a medical condition? Because the bloating is just extreme.
WHAT IS THAT? THAT IS NOT HOT! THAT IS NOT CLEAN! THAT IS NOT IN ANY WAY POSITIVE!
Women of the world: why do you keep sleeping with him?!
Incidentally, that photo was taken right after he allegedly checked himself into rehab. Which, no. Doesn't your room smell now? He has that effect on people.
And now, the sex tape. It's stardom, of sorts, loosely defined though it may be. I am sorry for the abrupt ending, but I feel sick after writing so much about someone so repulsive. I think I have gonorrhea now.
Also from the "Seriously, WTF?" department, Eminem is remarrying his ex-wife Kim, because nothing says "I Love You" like writing a song for the woman of your dreams, especially if the song's lyrics say
Ha! Go ahead yell!\Here I'll scream with you!\AH SOMEBODY HELP!\Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?\Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin to you
It's so nice to know that romance isn't dead.
There is no appropriate way to segue into something positive, so I will end simply by saying how much I love (on all levels) Project Runway's Daniel Vosovic. He's sweet, he's talented (the dress he and Andrae designed is now available for sale at Banana Republic) and dreamy. Yes, even with the nose. Love!
Mallory at 1/12/2006 09:04:00 PM