Tuesday, January 31, 2006
The Case Against Brad
I hope she's coping by doing a happy dance throughout her house, down the street and in crowded restaurants, squealing because she is so filled with glee not to be saddled down with Brad Pitt anymore. Perhaps even calling Angelina Jolie to warn her that Brad will need his shoes tied everyday and the menu read to him when they go out to dinner.
It is truly and horribly offensive to me that the glossy magazine purchasing public is forced to take part in a media-created freakshow in which two women fight over a bland, low-functioning, bad actor and that said bland, low-functioning, bad actor is held up as some sort of American ideal, that this is the superstar to end all superstars and <3OMGBRADPITT4EVAH!<3
I'm going to be frank here: Brad Pitt sucks. I won't hear evidence to the contrary. I have come to this conclusion in a highly scientific manner and present the following facts to back up my claim which, really, needs no backing up at all because it is so true.
"Oh, please", you'll say. "He was in Ocean's 11! And he was in Thelma and Louise and Fight Club and Seven AND he got an Oscar nomination for Twelve Monkeys, SO THERE! And Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a hit!!!!!"
And you know what I'll do? Laugh in your face. Sure, Seven is awesome and Fight Club is great, but the success of Ocean's 11 had absolutely zero to do with him, and Twelve Monkeys was in the year of Braveheart, when critics were smoking every crack pipe in their reach, so whatever, and people wanted to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith to see if they could find clues to support the theory that he and Angelina were having sex. And even if I give you those movies, he has also appeared in The Devil's Own, Interview With the Vampire, Seven Years In Tibet, Legends of the Fall (Fact: I did not know until today that this is actually a different movie than A River Runs Through It), The Mexican and Troy. His foray into the world of animated films where he did not have to use any facial expressions also failed miserably, as Sinbad will attest. Then, of course, there's Meet Joe Black. Because of that movie, there is a warrant out for his arrest in seventeen states.
Really. Try and defend him all you want, but the one-two punch of Meet Joe Black and The Devil's Own is just too powerful and probably qualify as human rights violations.
I do not fully understand why Jennifer Aniston was always the subject of nasty comments like, "She's only famous because of Brad!!!!!!!!" Did her magazine sales get a boost due to bagging the Sexiest Man Alive (Prediction: He wins the title again this year)? Probably. But she was a well established television star before that and Rachel Green was always the most popular character on Friends (if ever there was a statement damning with faint praise...), so whatever. It's not like she was a street urchin before they met or anything. But this is not about Jennifer Aniston, it is about how freaky Brad Pitt is when he is dating someone. Not freaky deaky like an episode of Law & Order: SVU but freaky like he gloms onto their appearance.
He also dated Robin Givens and, you know, I have a hard time listening to praise of him when one of his ex-girlfriends was married to Mike Tyson. I mean, if ever there was a case of BAD TASTE, this is it.
Hmm, I think I forgot one of his girlfriends...oh, right...
On the set of Too Young To Die (often, as one would ascertain from the title, played on Lifetime), Brad Pitt met and started a romance with Juliette Lewis. Say what you want about Juliette Lewis--and I say a lot. Um, cornrows?!--but something is very peculiar about this romance. Namely that he was 27 and she was 16.
In my neck of the woods, we have a word for 27 year old men who date 16 year old girls. That word is ick. And also, pervert. Eleven years when the younger person is 23? Fine. 36 and 47? Fantastic. 64 and 75? Wonderful. 16 and 27? Ew. Like, seriously, ew.
I am the type of person, for better or for worse, who judges people based on appearances. Has it gotten me into trouble before? No.
It is obvious, to me, that there is nothing going on behind Brad Pitt's eyes. If you look at the photo on his IMDB Page you may say to yourself, "Yikes! Could they not find a better picutre? Like, one that doesn't radiate skank and duh?"
No, they can't. A friend once famously referred to him as Brad "The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead" Pitt, which is all too apt. The man is just not there.
If his facial expressions are not the epitome of doofiness, I do not know what is.
(All that and he is close to his Troy co-star Orlando Bloom. That much concentrated stupidity will cause an explosion one day)
I think we've learned a valuable lesson here today, haven't we? If we unite in our belief that Brad Pitt is not all that and the proverbial bag of chips, perhaps he will not be foisted upon us all as the greatest ever and we can actually pick up a magazine without being confronted by lies about his talent and IQ.
Mallory at 1/31/2006 12:36:00 PM