Thursday, January 12, 2006
Seriously? WTF?
So Colin Farrell scored the biggest success of his entire career with the shutting down the website featuring his sex tape.
The thing is, I don't understand why he would want to do that.
Okay, so most people don't want tapes of them having sex thrown across the internet. I get that. But in the case of Colin Farrell, it's a step up of sorts. A step up from the gutter, sure, but a step up nonetheless. It harkens back to a time when he had not yet puffed up with a bloat that would garner snickers from Ben Affleck and Vince Vaughn, and it is surely better quality than Alexander.
At the rate his career is going, he's soon going to have to audition for projects like that.
Colin Farrell's whole career mystifies me. He is not a terribly talented actor. He has caterpillars on his face that he tries to pass off as "eyebrows", but we all know better. Films that he stars in flounder pathetically at the box office. He looks like he smells like cheap cologne and whiskey. He can give you an STD on sight.
Now, I don't know about you, but, generally, when I encounter a person who's none too good-looking and none too bright, who has syphillis and can't hold a steady job, I silently judge them and mock them with friends. But not so Hollywood. No. They see fit to give this skeezer multiple chances and to refer to him as a hunk in the press. What?
I guess it all started with Tigerland, a film that I did not see that had some level of critical acclaim. Ish. I mean, as acclaimed as a Joel Schumacher film is capable of being. In Tigerland (Which was filmed in 1999, mind you), Colin Farrell reached his hotness plateau.
Since American girls are notoriously easy when a British accent is involved, Hollywood figured that an Irish accent would be an even bigger draw, so they gave Colin all sorts of work, like American Outlaws and Hart's War. Which, actually, now that I think about it is a punishment of sorts. I mean, true, Bruce Willis was coming off of The Sixth Sense, so maybe it was an okay move, but American Outlaws? With Scott Caan and the Ali who isn't the Doritos girl? Ew. But that ruins my argument, so never mind.
During this time, he was married for approximately four months. That is not germane to anything, but I thought I'd throw it in there. He also indulged in the tool move of tattooing her name on his finger like, hi, why even bother getting married because that is a death wish right there.
Colin hit the jackpot with Minority Report: Cruise and Spielberg = Gold. It was a surefire box office hit, and was actually really good, and he was clinging to handsomeness. Yes, he was probably cast merely because he was the only man in Hollywood who didn't tower over Tom Cruise and because Tom Cruise, um, wanted him, but getting a good part is getting a good part no matter how you got it.
Then he was on the cover of Vanity Fair and was basically a freak. The interview was all about booze and broads, and he wore a strange hat in the accompanying photographs. Minus the strange hat, the Colin Farrell described in the VF interview became the superstar. Sure, he acted and stuff, but basically, he was drunk, raunchy and had sex with anything possessing the necessary orifices.
He and Joel Schumacher reunited for Phone Booth which was unsurprisingly mediocre. He then starred opposite the also elfin Al Pacino in The Recruit which I saw and which sucked, and in my defense, my roommate and I snuck into it and did not contribute to the box office in any way. The biggest thing about The Recruit was that it was really bad and that Colin took Britney Spears to the premiere and they made out and were icky.
Pro:
Cons:
Colin Farrell then banged the entire porn community, developed an even stronger brogue (...) and got ugly. Like, icky. Because as we all saw in Daredevil, possibly the worst movie ever made, the man is simply not good looking. He looked terrifying with a shaved head because the eyebrows threatened to take on a life of their own. He got bloated, he looked like he smelled, he impregnated his girlfriend, according to industry gossip he bought his sister implants(!), he drank a lot, he made S.W.A.T. (I think...did that movie actually exist? I don't remember it), and then came Alexander.
By the blond mullet alone, you know it's a disaster. But it actually got even worse. It was poorly written, poorly acted, pretentious, long and extremely campy. But they didn't embrace the camp. They took it seriously and---no. No. It was just--I have no words. It was that bad. That bad.
And I know I am harping on this, but seriously, does the man have a medical condition? Because the bloating is just extreme.
WHAT IS THAT? THAT IS NOT HOT! THAT IS NOT CLEAN! THAT IS NOT IN ANY WAY POSITIVE!
Women of the world: why do you keep sleeping with him?!
Incidentally, that photo was taken right after he allegedly checked himself into rehab. Which, no. Doesn't your room smell now? He has that effect on people.
And now, the sex tape. It's stardom, of sorts, loosely defined though it may be. I am sorry for the abrupt ending, but I feel sick after writing so much about someone so repulsive. I think I have gonorrhea now.
Also from the "Seriously, WTF?" department, Eminem is remarrying his ex-wife Kim, because nothing says "I Love You" like writing a song for the woman of your dreams, especially if the song's lyrics say
Ha! Go ahead yell!\Here I'll scream with you!\AH SOMEBODY HELP!\Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?\Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin to you
It's so nice to know that romance isn't dead.
There is no appropriate way to segue into something positive, so I will end simply by saying how much I love (on all levels) Project Runway's Daniel Vosovic. He's sweet, he's talented (the dress he and Andrae designed is now available for sale at Banana Republic) and dreamy. Yes, even with the nose. Love!
Mallory at 1/12/2006 09:04:00 PM
4 Comments
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at 12:24 PM
said... I'm suprised you didn't comment on the skeeve explosion that is his Miami Vice get-up.
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at 12:24 PM
said...
Oops, that was me.
-Pasha-
at 4:51 PM
said...
I vaguely remember liking Colin in Intermission. He played a nasty, skeezy loser! I'm sure the role took tons of research.
He was ok in The New World, but he didn't have to do anything other than brood and tilt his eyebrows over Q'Orianka Kilcher.
This entry is doing really odd things on lj, btw! It's all garbled pieces of code. So weird.
~ Valerie.-
at 12:19 AM
said...
May I just "ditto" your comments on Daniel?
I LOVE Daniel Vosovic!
He's talented, creative and so cute. Love how he fusses with the bangs.