Sunday, January 22, 2006
Shut Up, Tom
There was a point in time where I abused the word douchebag, using it to describe people and things that ranged from profoundly irritating to just there. When I started referring to office products and similarly bland inanimate objects as douchebags, I knew I went too far.
However. There is no word that encapsulates all that is wrong with Tom Cruise the way that douchebag does. Sure, schmuck and prick are succinctly brutal, but when you say the word "douchebag" out loud (try it!), you actually sneer. It's perfect for conveying derision.
Since we can all see where this is going, I'll just come right out and say it: Tom Cruise Is A Douchebag.
It's not earth shattering news, no, and I'm aware that my obsession with Tom & Katie and Tara Reid are symptoms of a mental defect of sorts, but I need to make this clear and scream it from the hills and since I'm not near any hills, this forum will have to do.
This week alone, Tiny Tom has reassured the world that despite pretenders to the throne like Jake "I am really straight, I just had to pretend to be a gay in a movie, but I sure do like the ladies, because I'm straight, not gay" Gyllenhaal, taking a page from the master's book, and Adrien "We don't even need to give examples, do we?" Brody, he really is the king.
1. Attempted Murder
I may be reading into things a bit too much (I've been accused of it in the past), but I really think that he is attempting to strangle Ellen in this supremely awkard photo.
It's almost like you can actually hear him say, "Smile at that camera or I'll kill you. Do it!"
Plus, even if Ellen's neck wasn't broken in the attack, she undoubtedly got Scientology cooties which, ew.
And the sunglasses! Oh my GOD, the sunglasses. Tom, it's not the Top Gun era anymore!
2. Hypersensitive, Homophobic Nutjob
The episode of South Park that made fun of Tom Cruise's hiding in the closet cannot be shown in the UK and will likely never be shown again in the US, because Tom Cruise didn't find it funny. What does Tom Cruise find funny? I bet that sick bastard watches Joey...
Anyway, here is a list of things I don't find funny:
Just, you know, for the record.
And seriously, I am the most hypersensitive person I know, to the extent where playful teasing often leaves me in tears, and if I am judging Tom from overreacting, there is a problem.
3. Paranoid Freak
From that bastion of all that is good and right, Page Six:
TOM Cruise spends a lot of time with his adopted children, Isabelle and Connor, but he's had help in the form of nannies. Suzanne Hansen, who worked for Mike Ovitz, Debra Winger and Danny DeVito for years, just wrote a book, "You'll Never Nanny in This Town Again," about her experiences. She told PAGE SIX and "The Insider" that, "Tom would make his nannies sign confidentiality agreements that were so strict, they couldn't even say for whom they were working. So basically, if [Cruise] went on camera and said how he didn't have any help raising his children, they couldn't say anything." Hansen, who knew Cruise in the days when he was with Nicole Kidman, added, "I never saw her" - fueling suspicions that Kidman was less than a full-time mother to her adopted kids.
Okay, so the Kidman part is pretty interesting, but overall: the man is a lunatic. I am sure that he is going to sue this woman, like, five minutes ago for this, but it is interesting all the same. Does everybody he comes into contact with need to sign a confidentiality agreement? Like, do the Starbucks baristas have to promise not to tell that he gets a caramel macchiato and not a venti quad cappuccino?
4. Rampant Egomania
What could be better than receiving the DVDs of every single movie your fiance has ever been in? I mean, besides jewelry, cash, liquor, gift certificates, tickets to the movie theater, Bath and Body Works gift sets, a re-gifted fondue set, underwear and the flue.
That's right, nothing! Especially when the DVDs are lovingly inscribed. I can only imagine what he wrote...
I mean, really. The midget is ridiculous.
I can only imagine that he will get more and more insane as the weeks go on and, in a desperate attempt to push Brad and Angelina off of the front pages (aside: I am ohmigod so sick of them and can't the trend of couple names like Brangelina and Bennifer and TomKat just DIE ALREADY?!?!?!) he will resort to drastic measures. I don't know what could be more drastic than his couch jumping foolishness, but I know he'll try to top it.
Mallory at 1/22/2006 03:56:00 PM
1 Comments
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at 6:57 PM
said... Especially when the DVDs are lovingly inscribed. I can only imagine what he wrote...
This was some of your best work yet, and that's saying a lot.