Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Speechless
If you all of a sudden felt sick to your stomach and didn't know why, odds are that you aren't sick, you are just feeling the effects of the WORLD COMING TO AN END because Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes HAD THEIR BABY or should I say "HAD" THEIR "BABY" because it's AWFULLY convenient that all of us had been sitting there saying "Uh, she's been pregnant for like fourteen years" and FREAKING OUT over what a WACKADOO Tom Cruise is for "joking" about eating the baby's placenta and realizing that THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT, NONE OF IT and all of a sudden the baby is born? I DON'T THINK SO!
You can't fool me, Tom. You may be able to send me into a fit of hysteria so fierce that I keep typing in capital letters to best convey how shrieky I am over the world ending, but you can't fool me!
The couple "joyously welcomed the arrival of a baby girl, Suri, today," the actor's rep said in a statement after PEOPLE first broke the news. "The child weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 20 inches in length. Both mother and daughter are doing well."
Mmmmhmmm. If by "welcomed the arrival of a baby girl" you mean "finally put the pillow back in the closet [but not that kind of closet because none of those involved are homosexual in any way] and bought a baby on the black market like Bobbie did on General Hospital before she got involved in a long custody battle with Tiffany Hill and won even though she is nowhere near as awesome as Tiffany", then yes, that is exactly what happened, Tom Cruise's rep, and it's so CONVENIENT how you're all up on being PReriffic today, like, fourteen seconds after the "baby" was "born", but when Tom is yapping about EATING PLACENTA and scary intensely talking to Diane Sawyer about CUPCAKES, you are nowhere to be found.
I am almost positive that this news has made me develop a heart murmur.
Mallory at 4/18/2006 07:19:00 PM
Friday, April 14, 2006
Crazy, Crazy, Crazy
To paraphrase the awesome Danielle on this cycle of America's Next Top Model: the sun rises, the sun sets, there's the Eiffel Tower and, somewhere, Tom Cruise is acting a fool.
I mean, on the one hand it's like "Well, duh", but on the other hand, you really have to marvel at just how insane this man really is and how little he lets his status as a famous person keep him from getting his crazy on in public. In about 99.8% of situations in the world, the fact that a woman was walking around with a fake-looking pregnancy belly would automatically make her the craziest part of an equation, but when the other part is Tom Cruise, let's just say Katie's latex belly is almost normal in comparison.
Please note that I didn't say "normal", because WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? The episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff Huxtable had a dream that all the men got pregnant featured more natural looking stomachs than this
Freak City.
But in the great romance of Tom and Katie, that's barely in the top five of freakishness, because every single thing that Tom Cruise does is insane, ranging from crazy hobo standing outside of the grocery store insane to full-on Dr. Kimberly Shaw Mancini on Melrose Place blowing stuff up and having DID and performing lobotomies insane.
Luckily for the world at large, Tom has decided that there's nothing better than sharing with everybody the full extent of your mental defects, and with the publicity blitz for the upcoming Mission: Impossible: III, he's all over the place being a freak.
In the new issue of GQ, Tom goes overboard with the TMI:
I taught her how to ride a dirt bike in an hour and a half. She'd never done it before. She got her scuba license -- and the kids scuba dive so we all went down scuba diving in Mexico and swimming with the whales.
This sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie, where a devious husband gets his wife involved in EXTREME sports so that he can kill her and make it look like an accident.
"Oh, I -- I looked at her. And I went, 'You're gonna tell me if you're pregnant, aren't you?' It was a moment where ... It was one of those things," he (sort of) explains. "I just picked something up. And I knew at that moment she was pregnant. 'Cuz I notice things in people."
Just so that we're all on the same page: psychology is bad; midget intuition, however, is the tops.
Sex, he says, "is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just ... free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks."
He's a virgin, isn't he?
"She loves cupcakes, okay? I mean, the girl loves cupcakes."
Um. I like Hostess Snoballs, but I don't think that's the main thing people bring up when they are discussing me.
"Yeah, she did the whole stick test; I think she just touched the box and they all turned blue."
...? I bet he overlaughed to make his point, whatever point that may be.
But it's like, 'Look, this is who I am,' and people who know me know I'm very safe about it. I'm not crazy ..."
So one person in the world believes that, I guess.
He continued to let his freak flag fly when he sat down to chat with Diane Sawyer.
"We were just talking about it last night," Cruise said. "She has this beautiful belly, this glowing woman….We were walking up to bed, and I just, I can't wait till we get married. I can't wait till I can call and say, 'Hey, you know, put my wife on the phone.'"
"Subtle", Tom.
"People really have come out of the woodwork and felt very open now about discussing their couch-jumping experiences, you know in their own lives when they've gone through it, and the different things that they did when they, you know, when they found that person that they really love, and knew they were going to share the rest of their life with,"
When he tries to make jokes about his insanity, it makes him look even more unhinged than it would if he divaishly refused to discuss it.
"She loves cupcakes…she loves to laugh."
Seriously, what the fuck? Again with the cupcakes. They must be code for something...but what? I know on The Golden Girls in the infamous Dorothy kisses Myles episode that cupcakes were used as a euphemism for sex, but in this instance, I think sex is the least likely candidate for what they are talking about. Perhaps they are talking about "old episodes of Another World on SoapNet" or "The Kansas City Royals", both things best talked about in code.
"Her smile drives me crazy in a good way. She has this thing that she does with her tongue when she smiles," he said. "When she's really laughing when her tongue sticks out. And so I've seen people that have photographed that, and it's the cutest thing"
Her smile drives me crazy in a bad way. He's right about the tongue thing, but I see it as less charming and more stroke victimish.
But …when we're riding motorcycles …I tell her look, please don't stick your tongue out. If we hit a bump or anything I get a little bit nervous."
That is such a grandpa thing to say.
And right then, during a break in the interview, and an aide walked up and handed Cruise a BlackBerry. He began messaging with Holmes who wrote, "love you, way to go, have a great interview!! No baby action yet."
Have you ever read something that horrifies you on such a level that you start to have a panic attack? Yes, that. "No baby action yet"? I...I'm sure she was trying to be cute, but that is the type of thing that Tom Cruise would say with no trace of irony, and I am once again terrified that they are bringing a baby into this world, because no matter how the baby was conceived or conjured up through Scientologist rituals, this child is going to be a grade-A goober, and that's just not fair to the helpless little thing.
Can he actually get crazier, I wonder? Because a few years ago, he was slightly crazy and has come out (NOT IN THAT WAY, PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, THANK YOU) as a psychotic freak. Can it get worse? Is he actually capable of being crazier? I guess we can only wait and see.
Mallory at 4/14/2006 08:37:00 AM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Damn Yankees!
The only thing worse than working on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium is having a horrible work day on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, and the only thing worse than having a horrible work day on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium is listening to the Yankees struggle against the Kansas City Royals on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium.
It's just not...dignified. And more than that, it is a sign of things to come. I can just feel it. Remember how we always used to make fun of the Orioles because the Yankees hitters dominated them like they were taking batting practice, but then the Orioles were all of a sudden, like, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and started showing up for games and beating the Yankees? That's what this is like. Except worse, because I don't even think the Royals are making a conscious effort to beat the Yankees, they are just doing their usual ham-fisted thing and it's working in their favor.
As with any loss, I have gone through several stages
I have stalled at this stage. I am midly outraged and I blame it, as I do with all things in life from bad games to rising gas prices, on Alex Rodriguez and Jason Giambi. Sure, Jason Giambi has been responsible for most of the Yankee offense thus far this afternoon, but I really don't think that negates the fact that he is a doping sketchball and even greasier than he is sketchy. I have wasted too many minutes of my young life praying that the cameras don't do close ups of him removing his batting helmet because his hair is always glistening with a combination of sweat (which I guess is warranted in the warmer months) and hair gel (never warranted after 1993).
Even if he didn't look like you'd pick up three inches of grime if you touched hi and even if he didn't use steroids, I would still loathe Jason Giambi because he exemplifies everything that everybody in the world hates about the Yankees. His arrival in the Bronx pushed Tino Martinez out and effectively ruined a happy family that had won four World Series titles. He is a homewrecker of the highest order.
And A-Rod. Seriously? Just reading about him exhausts me. He reminds me, in a roundabout way making sense to nobody outside of my mind, of Jane on Melrose Place, in that he is the kind of simpering fool who's all, "I know you say you love me, but how much do you love me? Like, do you love me more than the mountains and the sky, or do you only love me as much as the sky? Do you love me now more than you did fourteen seconds ago? Why don't you love me Billy?!?!?!" And also, they have the same bad Sun-in shade of blonde hair, so I think that's more than enough to form this comparison.
OH! Oh, Derek Jeter just hit a go-ahead homerun. Glory Hallelujah. If they can make it through half an inning, I won't need to take painkillers.
(I realize that this is a very big if)
But, yes, A-Rod. I don't care how many MVP Awards he wins, or how many Bostonian children he saves from renegade trucks, or how poignantly he describes his need for therapy, I will still be able to smell his desperation and his all-consuming need for people to like him. You can practically see it; it's sparkly and shaky. It's not that I want him to be an asshole, because I don't like assholes either ('sup, Barry?), but I cannot physically stand to watch him speak, because you can actually see him wondering how people will react to whatever foolish thing he's going to say. Also, his lips are purple. What is with that? Is it lipstick? Is it a health problem? I want answers.
Okay, so the Yankees wound up winning which means I won't have to kill myself or deal with the embarrassment by joining the Witness Protection Program or something. I mean, it obviously is going to be an emotional rollercoaster of a season, but...I say bring it on.
Mallory at 4/11/2006 02:50:00 PM