Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Damn Yankees!
The only thing worse than working on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium is having a horrible work day on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, and the only thing worse than having a horrible work day on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium is listening to the Yankees struggle against the Kansas City Royals on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium.
It's just not...dignified. And more than that, it is a sign of things to come. I can just feel it. Remember how we always used to make fun of the Orioles because the Yankees hitters dominated them like they were taking batting practice, but then the Orioles were all of a sudden, like, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and started showing up for games and beating the Yankees? That's what this is like. Except worse, because I don't even think the Royals are making a conscious effort to beat the Yankees, they are just doing their usual ham-fisted thing and it's working in their favor.
As with any loss, I have gone through several stages
I have stalled at this stage. I am midly outraged and I blame it, as I do with all things in life from bad games to rising gas prices, on Alex Rodriguez and Jason Giambi. Sure, Jason Giambi has been responsible for most of the Yankee offense thus far this afternoon, but I really don't think that negates the fact that he is a doping sketchball and even greasier than he is sketchy. I have wasted too many minutes of my young life praying that the cameras don't do close ups of him removing his batting helmet because his hair is always glistening with a combination of sweat (which I guess is warranted in the warmer months) and hair gel (never warranted after 1993).
Even if he didn't look like you'd pick up three inches of grime if you touched hi and even if he didn't use steroids, I would still loathe Jason Giambi because he exemplifies everything that everybody in the world hates about the Yankees. His arrival in the Bronx pushed Tino Martinez out and effectively ruined a happy family that had won four World Series titles. He is a homewrecker of the highest order.
And A-Rod. Seriously? Just reading about him exhausts me. He reminds me, in a roundabout way making sense to nobody outside of my mind, of Jane on Melrose Place, in that he is the kind of simpering fool who's all, "I know you say you love me, but how much do you love me? Like, do you love me more than the mountains and the sky, or do you only love me as much as the sky? Do you love me now more than you did fourteen seconds ago? Why don't you love me Billy?!?!?!" And also, they have the same bad Sun-in shade of blonde hair, so I think that's more than enough to form this comparison.
OH! Oh, Derek Jeter just hit a go-ahead homerun. Glory Hallelujah. If they can make it through half an inning, I won't need to take painkillers.
(I realize that this is a very big if)
But, yes, A-Rod. I don't care how many MVP Awards he wins, or how many Bostonian children he saves from renegade trucks, or how poignantly he describes his need for therapy, I will still be able to smell his desperation and his all-consuming need for people to like him. You can practically see it; it's sparkly and shaky. It's not that I want him to be an asshole, because I don't like assholes either ('sup, Barry?), but I cannot physically stand to watch him speak, because you can actually see him wondering how people will react to whatever foolish thing he's going to say. Also, his lips are purple. What is with that? Is it lipstick? Is it a health problem? I want answers.
Okay, so the Yankees wound up winning which means I won't have to kill myself or deal with the embarrassment by joining the Witness Protection Program or something. I mean, it obviously is going to be an emotional rollercoaster of a season, but...I say bring it on.
Mallory at 4/11/2006 02:50:00 PM
2 Comments
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at 2:51 PM
CLC said... The A-Rod: Jane on MP comparison is genius! Absolutely perfect! Both are neither mean nor agressive, they are just "I can't quite put my finger on it" lame.
There are moments where I feel like I should feel bad for A-Rod. And then it passes. And I don't.
As a veteran fan of team that invented the concept of the slow start - never fear - there are 25 more weeks to go. Nothing counts till after the all-star break anyway. Everyone out here is upset you guys aren't coming back again during the regular season. And I heard that you guys are only playing the Sox once in Sept. What's up with that? C'mon schedulers - get with the program here.
Alternately, Chavez is having an unbelievable April. I think this may mean we are all living in a parallel universe at this point.-
at 12:47 PM
said... i can't stand the yankees, but i find that most true baseball fans are united by two things regarding them: a grudging respect for derek jeter in the you-suck-jeter-please-come-play-for-us way, and an unmitigated repulsion for a-rod. in fact, part of the reason i was able to through-clenched-teeth admit that i liked jeter is because he so obviously hates a-rod, and i can totally hang with a guy like that.
i laughed so hard reading your rant about a-rod my roommates thought i was in trouble. and as an a's fan, i can totally commiserate on the giambi thing. i have maintained since the yankees traded for him that they will not win another world series with giambi on the team--and that goes double for a-rod.
lira, bay area a's fan