Friday, April 14, 2006
Crazy, Crazy, Crazy
To paraphrase the awesome Danielle on this cycle of America's Next Top Model: the sun rises, the sun sets, there's the Eiffel Tower and, somewhere, Tom Cruise is acting a fool.
I mean, on the one hand it's like "Well, duh", but on the other hand, you really have to marvel at just how insane this man really is and how little he lets his status as a famous person keep him from getting his crazy on in public. In about 99.8% of situations in the world, the fact that a woman was walking around with a fake-looking pregnancy belly would automatically make her the craziest part of an equation, but when the other part is Tom Cruise, let's just say Katie's latex belly is almost normal in comparison.
Please note that I didn't say "normal", because WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? The episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff Huxtable had a dream that all the men got pregnant featured more natural looking stomachs than this
Freak City.
But in the great romance of Tom and Katie, that's barely in the top five of freakishness, because every single thing that Tom Cruise does is insane, ranging from crazy hobo standing outside of the grocery store insane to full-on Dr. Kimberly Shaw Mancini on Melrose Place blowing stuff up and having DID and performing lobotomies insane.
Luckily for the world at large, Tom has decided that there's nothing better than sharing with everybody the full extent of your mental defects, and with the publicity blitz for the upcoming Mission: Impossible: III, he's all over the place being a freak.
In the new issue of GQ, Tom goes overboard with the TMI:
I taught her how to ride a dirt bike in an hour and a half. She'd never done it before. She got her scuba license -- and the kids scuba dive so we all went down scuba diving in Mexico and swimming with the whales.
This sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie, where a devious husband gets his wife involved in EXTREME sports so that he can kill her and make it look like an accident.
"Oh, I -- I looked at her. And I went, 'You're gonna tell me if you're pregnant, aren't you?' It was a moment where ... It was one of those things," he (sort of) explains. "I just picked something up. And I knew at that moment she was pregnant. 'Cuz I notice things in people."
Just so that we're all on the same page: psychology is bad; midget intuition, however, is the tops.
Sex, he says, "is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just ... free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks."
He's a virgin, isn't he?
"She loves cupcakes, okay? I mean, the girl loves cupcakes."
Um. I like Hostess Snoballs, but I don't think that's the main thing people bring up when they are discussing me.
"Yeah, she did the whole stick test; I think she just touched the box and they all turned blue."
...? I bet he overlaughed to make his point, whatever point that may be.
But it's like, 'Look, this is who I am,' and people who know me know I'm very safe about it. I'm not crazy ..."
So one person in the world believes that, I guess.
He continued to let his freak flag fly when he sat down to chat with Diane Sawyer.
"We were just talking about it last night," Cruise said. "She has this beautiful belly, this glowing woman….We were walking up to bed, and I just, I can't wait till we get married. I can't wait till I can call and say, 'Hey, you know, put my wife on the phone.'"
"Subtle", Tom.
"People really have come out of the woodwork and felt very open now about discussing their couch-jumping experiences, you know in their own lives when they've gone through it, and the different things that they did when they, you know, when they found that person that they really love, and knew they were going to share the rest of their life with,"
When he tries to make jokes about his insanity, it makes him look even more unhinged than it would if he divaishly refused to discuss it.
"She loves cupcakes…she loves to laugh."
Seriously, what the fuck? Again with the cupcakes. They must be code for something...but what? I know on The Golden Girls in the infamous Dorothy kisses Myles episode that cupcakes were used as a euphemism for sex, but in this instance, I think sex is the least likely candidate for what they are talking about. Perhaps they are talking about "old episodes of Another World on SoapNet" or "The Kansas City Royals", both things best talked about in code.
"Her smile drives me crazy in a good way. She has this thing that she does with her tongue when she smiles," he said. "When she's really laughing when her tongue sticks out. And so I've seen people that have photographed that, and it's the cutest thing"
Her smile drives me crazy in a bad way. He's right about the tongue thing, but I see it as less charming and more stroke victimish.
But …when we're riding motorcycles …I tell her look, please don't stick your tongue out. If we hit a bump or anything I get a little bit nervous."
That is such a grandpa thing to say.
And right then, during a break in the interview, and an aide walked up and handed Cruise a BlackBerry. He began messaging with Holmes who wrote, "love you, way to go, have a great interview!! No baby action yet."
Have you ever read something that horrifies you on such a level that you start to have a panic attack? Yes, that. "No baby action yet"? I...I'm sure she was trying to be cute, but that is the type of thing that Tom Cruise would say with no trace of irony, and I am once again terrified that they are bringing a baby into this world, because no matter how the baby was conceived or conjured up through Scientologist rituals, this child is going to be a grade-A goober, and that's just not fair to the helpless little thing.
Can he actually get crazier, I wonder? Because a few years ago, he was slightly crazy and has come out (NOT IN THAT WAY, PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, THANK YOU) as a psychotic freak. Can it get worse? Is he actually capable of being crazier? I guess we can only wait and see.
Mallory at 4/14/2006 08:37:00 AM
2 Comments
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at 3:18 PM
said... I maintain that that photo is actually just a gust of wind blowing part of her shirt up. Because if it isn't? I may have to turn in my snark card because my mind will have been blown.
I can't wait for the Tom Cruise thing to air tonight.
"old episodes of Another World on SoapNet"
If this is true, then I also love cupcakes probably more than I should.-
at 10:30 AM
said...
I bet cupcakes are used in this sense. So that it's a code word for teh Gay. Tom Cruise is gay! Katie Holmes likes cupcakes? Katie likes the gay.
