Sunday, February 26, 2006

Wrap Up

The Winter Olympics, also known as the reason I have been so neglectful about writing, are coming to an end today. I will not be watching the closing ceremony, as it always makes me cry and this year it involves Avril Lavigne, and that would send me into a coma.

So let's take a look back at the 2006 Olympics and remember that I will be back with non-Olympic talk soon with subjects including but not limited to: Law & Order: SVU, Project Runway, Tom and Katie (of course) and the Oscars. Woo!

THE GOOD


Ted Ligety
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I love this guy. I love that he came out of nowhere to win the gold in the men's combined and I love how deliriously happy he was for, like, the entire week. I also love the fact that the US motivational coach screamed "TED LIGETY! DO IT FOR YOUR MOM!" as he went down the hill. I think it's just the name Ligety that makes me smile.

Figure Skating
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Yeah, Sasha Cohen choked in the free skate. We all expected that. Actually, no, I didn't, I was foolish enough to think that this would be the time that she'd skate two clean performances in a row. But I was so surprised that she came back from her two falls and skated an amazing performance. Not as amazing as her short program, which was brill, but still fantastic. If she couldn't win the gold, I am pleased as punch that Arakawa did because (1)her free skate was fantastic (2)she was pretty.

Kiira Korpi's Musical Choices
The heffa skated to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and didn't get a medal for her trouble. Yes, she's not a very good skater, but come on! Perhaps she should have used a Lionel bust as a prop and would have won...?
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Apolo Ohno Salvages His Reputation
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For most of the Olympics, Apolo Ohno (or Apolo Anton Ohno, as he is called, but I don't know when that began or why he needs the middle name. Is it to differentiate himself from the myriad Apolo Ohnos running around?) was referred to by the press as a colossal flop because he only won a bronze in his first race
Apolo Ohno, just another lousy sequel.


That's a...healthy outlook. They made it seem as though the guy eats infants for breakfast and routinely tells kids that there is no Santa Claus. I'm not the biggest fan of his on earth, mostly because that soul patch hurts my feelings, but I was very happy that he won a gold and another (lowly) bronze medal. Suck on it, haters!

The US Men's Curling Team
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The "Curl Girls" were overrated and annoying (Cassie Johnson doesn't so much speak as she does squeak), but the men won a bronze! Eeee! And they had a streaker at their match! That's a sign of your sport truly arriving. And so I bid the endless hours of curling coverage adieu, just when I was beginning to understand it.

JOEY CHEEK FOR PRESIDENT
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I am hard pressed to name another human being as wonderful as Joey Cheek. From general adorability to donating his two bonuses to charity and leading others to follow suit, resulting in $300,000 worth of donations, and being chosen to carry the American flag at the closing ceremony, Cheek has just been delightful over the past two weeks: happy to be there, talented and kind. We need more people like him!

THE BAD


B 0-0-0-0-0de Miller
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I blatantly cribbed that from NBC, because it is all too fitting. The man sucked. To the extent that I felt really bad for him and worried that he might actually have a mental illness of some kind. But he kindly reminded me of why I hated him in the first place, aside from his dickish attitude and nonstop "Are you a Bodeist?" commercials (What the hell does that even mean?):

"I just did it my way. I'm not a martyr, and I'm not a do-gooder. I just want to go out and rock. And man, I rocked here"

"Me, it's been an awesome two weeks," Miller said. "I got to party and socialize at an Olympic level."


I wonder if the reporter said, "Uh...you're a douchebag" at any point during this interview, because I would be hard pressed not to. Maybe that's why I am not a reporter. It is just infuriating. Why be at the Olympics if you aren't going to compete? Is it just because you wanted to swindle Nike out of money? Did you take pleasure in taking someone's spot on the team? Did you want to ruin the reputation of the American ski team single handedly? Because if so, yeah, you rocked.

ALSO, if you want to be fast and awesome, maybe you should, I don't know, get in shape? There was a point in time when he was aesthetically pleasing, but that ship has sailed. Because the bloated look is not cute.

I don't want to wish physical harm on a person, so I will settle for saying that I hope someone vomits on him.

Giorgio Rocca Broke My Heart
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When Giorgio Rocca, AKA my Italian Skiing Boyfriend, announced that he'd ignore all other races in favor of focusing on the slalom, I was skeptical, since he is a headcase and I was sure that he'd psych himself out. But then I came around to the idea and said it was better if he rested.

LESSON: Always trust your first instincts. The man crashed in thirty seconds. He is never going to leave his therapist's couch now! I can only imagine what conversation he and Alberto Tomba are having and if Tomba is grossed out that he crashed because he crossed his skis. Like, "Ewww! Get away from me with your inferior cooties!"

Lindsay Jacobellis Is A Communist
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DID YOU KNOW...that Lindsay Jacobellis tore up a picture of the American flag and screamed "Fight the real enemy!"? She must have. That's the only logical explanation for the way she has quickly become shorthand for "national disgrace".

Yes, she showed off at the end of her race and that's why she lost the gold medal. Yes, that was basically the dumbest thing she could possibly do. Yes, she deserves to be made fun of. But, seriously, the coverage became too much. When we have a president who wants to sell our ports and a drunken vice president who shot someone, losing a gold medal due to your idiocy isn't exactly in the top five of worst things going on in the world, you know what I mean?

I do still laugh at those final seconds of her race, because I am a mean and awful person underneath it all. Hee! She wiped out!

THE UGLY


Ice Dancing: The World Where Taste Goes To Die


Aside from Ben Agosto and my new BFF Tanith Belbin, ice dancing was a crime against humanity. The worst offenders, of course, were Babara Fusar-Poli/Maurizio Margaglio and Elena Grushina/Ruslan Goncharov.

The lasting memory of Fusar-Poli and Margaglio's ill-fated trip out of retirement will, rightly, be the fact that she stared him down for a full 40 seconds after he fell and ruined their routine, which led to hours of them not speaking and culminated in his sobbing backstage while she drank water. They eventually kissed and made up, but that ending to the story is not outlandish enough for my liking. Screw happy endings!
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Also outlandish? Their outfits. I...ew. From her bad dye job to whatever color scheme that was, the whole thing was ick. I mean, come on! If Roberto Cavalli could dress Carolina Kostner, he could have dressed you! And yes, the snowflakes on her costume looked like spiders, but that was worlds better than your costumes.

Grushina just looked like a skeezer.
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Pasties and tassels?! OMG!

Speed Skating: Days Of Our Skates
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Newflash, Chad Hedrick and Shani Davis: you're annoying.

As much as I want to be on Shani's side, his whining is growing old. But I have to grudgingly take his side because (1)Apolo Ohno and Joey Cheek both like him and I trust them and (2)The Dutch hate Chad Hedrick. For serious!
The show began when Shani Davis' mother, accompanied by an entourage that included members of the Dutch curling team, appeared in a bright orange cap and coat, both of which were emblazoned with "Holland."

"I tried, Mom," Davis said after finishing second in the Olympic 1,500-meter speedskating race. "I wasn't strong enough."

"You beat Chad, and that's all that matters," one of the Dutchmen said, speaking of bronze medalist Chad Hedrick, who apparently is Dr. Evil in the Netherlands.

It devolved from there, with some of those same Dutch curlers Cherie Davis had met only a few days earlier getting kicked out of a postrace news conference, with American rivals Hedrick and Shani Davis exchanging unpleasantries and with Shani Davis walking out of the news conference before it ended.


Greatest thing ever!

Hedrick also loses points for his scary, Hilary Duff teeth; multiple exclamations of feeling "betrayed"; his family telling Laura Bush that they are Bush people; trotting around the memory of his dead grandmother for sympathy; the eyebrows.

I really hope that, in a week or so, he realizes that he eclipsed an amazing Olympic performance (3 medals!) by being a complete and utter dickhead. Because that's what I am going to remember, not the fact that he did really well. Loser!

*****

Mallory at 2/26/2006 02:12:00 PM

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Sunday, February 19, 2006

Olympics, Wooooo!

Few things in life make me geek out more amazingly and embarrassingly than the Winter Olympics, as I have alluded to recently. I don't know what their hold on me is, but I think it has something to do with being young when Kristi Yamaguchi won the gold medal in 1992 and then, of course, the Tonya and Nancy drama in 1994. Good times! I infinitely prefer them to the Summer Games, which I find boring. I don't want to watch people run and gymnastics upsets me, due to lingering shame and trauma from always being too gangly to do a proper forward roll. Plus, in the Winter Olympics, there's a chance that someone could break their neck! Violence = fun.

For those of you who are similarly enchanted with the Winter Olympics, please read on to hear my thoughts. If you are so over them, well, it's either write about this or the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape and HELL NO. Sorry. I--I can't even--no. It's not happening. I'm sorry. You might be bored, but your soul will thank me.

I am going to go in the alphabetical order, the BFF of OCD Folks all over the world!

ALPINE SKIING


I don't ski, but watching skiing is one of my favorite things ever. I don't know why, except that it is fast and vaguely dangerous.

My favorite skiier of these games is Giorgio Rocca, mostly because he is Italian and pretty. He seems like a bit of a headcase, what with needing intense therapy to deal with the pressure of being labeled the next Alberto Tomba. Hypnosis was involved. That is whack. But still, I like him!

I do not like Bode Miller, as I have mentioned to the entire world. He's a tool. Yes, it's very cool that he is a rebel who was homeschooled and who grew up without indoor plumbing and electricity. I'm down with that lifestyle for other people, as an avid fan of the Little House books. And being outspoken can be sort of cool, you know? And I had to appreciate how he went after Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong for using performance enhancing drugs. But seriously, he's such an arrogant jackass. He's too cool for the Olympics, he's too cool for the world in general, he's too cool to be sober.

I realize that the above is a very vague explanation of what I speak of as an intense dislike, but I think that is because my feelings are being clouded by...pity. You'd think that watching an overexposed athlete flame out SPECTACULARLY in front of the entire world would fill me with glee. And yet...I feel sort of bad for him. Because as much as he's all, "Fuck the Olympics, I don't care" and all that, it must suck to not finish 2 of your first three races when the entire world is waiting for you to justify your hype. I was also impressed with the fact that he didn't eat snow after hitting the gate in the Super G yesterday.
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That is acrobatic like whoa.

He just seems very depressed and I have a hard time hating on people who are obviously unhappy. Could it be that I am actually becoming a good person? The prospect is alarming.

CURLING


I am ashamed to admit this, but in the interest of full disclosure: I am obsessed with curling. I find it so interesting and entertaining and fascinating. Perhaps I am being forced to find it interesting since it is on whenever I turn the TV on? Or perhaps I just truly enjoy it, even if it is like watching something foreign. My younger brother referred to it as the sport that "uses broomsticks and teapots" which sounds weird until you see the match in action and realize that it's true. After a week of watching it, I still don't have a grasp on the rules or the goals of this sport and I am not exactly sure how it is an Olympic event, but I love it! I also love the accent of one of the commentators, that reminds me of Fargo. Let it never be said that I am not easily amused.

FIGURE SKATING


Also known in some circles as the best thing ever. I am shamelessly in love with figure skating, and I don't care if that's cliche. At the very least, isn't it fun to criticize what the skaters are wearing?

That's an effortless segue into discussing the existence of Johnny Weir. Apparently, he's flamboyant. How do I know this? Oh, just because every article about him ever refers to him that way. And because, you know, he named his glove Camille.
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Sometimes you just have to take a moment and reread sentences like that to fully appreciate their beauty. Actually, his interviews are basically nonstop sentences of wonderfulness. I have to love a guy who talks about Care Bears.

You also have to love a guy who wears pants that can only be described as pornographic, like Emanuel Sandhu.


In the related topic of Fashion Atrocities, can we discuss Barbara Fusar-Poli's self-tanning incident?
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I didn't think your skin was supposed to match your costume.

I am also puzzled by Ben Agosto's decision to dress like a waiter while Tanith Belbin looks...um. I can't think of an inoffensive way to describe her costume. What is that?
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I feel dirty looking at it!

And eeeee! The ladies figure skating starts on Tuesday and I could nearly die of excitement. The skating order has been announced and I can't wait. I really hope that Sasha Cohen doesn't let her nerves get to her (again) and does well, because I think she is just wonderful. She's a fantastic skater and has a nasally voice, and I identify with that, so naturally, I love her. I'd love her even more if she wore the costume Santino designed for her on Project Runway in public!
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SPEED SKATING


If you had asked me before the start of the Olympics which sport would have the most potential for a catfight, I would have said figure skating, obvs. But no, it turns out to be speed skating, in which the media has pitted Shani Davis against Chad Hedrick, who they pinned as the Golden Boy who was going to beat Eric Heiden's Lake Placid record which, no. Like, way to set the guy up for failure, yo. Anyhoo, Shani Davis elected not to participate in the team pursuit, which meant that Chad Hedrick wouldn't win the Gold there and it turned into an all out brawl. Well, except for the fact that Shani Davis never made any comments and it was just Chad Hedrick running his fool mouth off for the next few days until they were in the same race together yesterday and Davis won, making him the first African American to win a gold medal in the Winter Olympics. Cool, huh?

Not to Chad!

"Once Shani beat me, I didn't care if I got a bronze,'' he said. "I'm here to win. It's all or nothing.''...Shani skated fast today, that's about all I have to say about that."


And [Hedrick’s] the man who, after the race was done and he hadn’t medaled at all, answered a question about what he thought of Davis’ performance by saying: “I’m happy for Joey,” referring to silver medalist Joey Cheeks, who had previously won the 500-meter event.


Meow! That's a big talk coming from a man with drag queen eyebrows!
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Every soap opera has a good character in between the divas, and speedskating has Joey Cheek, who is just adorable and has donated all of his winnings to charity. Awwww! He's totally the Marlena of this story. Did I really just namedrop Dr. Marlena Evans? I have reached a new low...

Mallory at 2/19/2006 01:33:00 AM

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Make It Work

Where have I gotten off to? The last sentence of my last entry was slightly violent and ominous, but since Kanye and John Legend both won (do check out Sean's take on all things Grammy if you missed or would like to relive the show) , I wasn't off killing people to avenge their honor. I was just doing it for fun.

In the days since I was last able to coherently write a sentence, I have been doing much of the following:

  • Crying buckets over Nick Verreos getting the auf wiedersehen on Project Runway. You were robbed, Nick. I still can't get over Santino's jumpsuit. An unfinished, unflattering jumpsuit with random crap glued to it. That jumpsuit (seriously, what year is it...?) will haunt my dreams for years to come

  • Shaking my head and wondering what the point of the creepy Tom Ford Vanity Fair cover was. There is a time and place for balding pansexuals, but the cover of a major magazine's Hollywood issue is not that time or that place. And why does Scarlett look so Annette Beningish? Ew!

  • Obsessing over the Winter Olympics as I do every four years. It's a sickness I have. But what other venue brings us a figure skater who names his costume Camille and blames her for bad performances?! Stay gold, Johnny Weir!

  • Olympic Related: sending multiple Valentines to Giorgio Rocca; taking his silence as a hint that he is playing hard to get

  • Olympic related: hating Bode Miller intensely, getting irritated with the constant media coverage of him, laughing when he got disqualified

  • Brutally discussing the ANTM Cycle 6 girls. Without getting too much into it, I wonder if Brooke is going to battle Michelle for the title of Worst Contestant Ever. And also, I wonder if it will be revealed that Kari was frozen in time during a spring break 1994 mishap. And seriously, how the hell is Kathy trying to pass for 20 years old? Haggard does not begin to describe. Uh, is it March 8th yet? Because I can't even wait for this. How does Tyra find these people?!

    And so on. The thing that made me go into shock and then hysteria was the momentary thought that Tom and Katie had broken up. Life and Style reported that the unholy union was over. I was shocked, because I pictured the big breakup featuring choreographed dance numbers, but then I realized that it could not be true.

    1. Life and Style is a bootleg US Weekly read that sentence several times until the gravity of the statement sinks in.

    2. If they did break up, it would be an exclusive story granted to People or Oprah, who would wear a special weave to commemorate the event

    3. As crazy as Tom Cruise is, and needless to say that is VERY, he's calculated and image conscious as anything and has to know that breaking up with a pregnant woman would garner even more press than impregnating said woman did. I mean, just look at the Mary Louise Parker/Billy Crudup/Claire Danes thing. Nobody knows who any of these people are and yet they hate Billy Crudup. Which I do too, don't get me wrong, because Claire Danes? No. When will the world stop letting her coast on My So-Called Life goodwill? The show ran for, like, twelve episodes a million years ago, let's move on. And also, if he broke up with Katie, he'd be in the same league as Kevin Federline, which says it all. Especially if he were to take up with a popstar. I smell Tom and Liza Minelli fanfiction!!!

    But of course, it turned out that my instincts were right and the story was most emphatically false. The story was officially denied within thirteen seconds. Oh, Tom! I knew I could count on you!

    What I didn't expect was to read about Tom extending his creepiness towards Kanye West.


    Tom Cruise persuaded rapper Kanye West to change his mind about creating a new theme for Mission: Impossible III by paying him a visit. The movie star was adamant West should be involved in the soundtrack and when the rap star announced he was too busy to play around with the classic theme, Cruise refused to take no for an answer. Cruise tells MTV News, "I'm a big fan of his work and we said, 'What's Kanye doing?' - 'He's busy, busy, busy.' So... I went by and he's got two songs that he wrote that are just unbelievable - he did a version of 'Mission: Impossible' and an original... It is 'Wow' When you see an artist that you just respect and he's so talented. I was like, 'Man, I'd love to see what he's gonna do with this.'You've got to hear what he did with it. It's Kanye West and it's really extraordinary. I looked at him and said, 'Man, you killed it.'


    Kids, let this be a lesson to you: don't have a big ego and/or wear ugly sweaters because if you do, a sociopathic midget will stalk you and force you to do his bidding.

    In other news, Bruce Willis has tried to give Oprah the smackdown. In this battle of evil versus...um, Oprah, who wins? More importantly, is there even anyone to root for? I keep having a strange back and forth in my head about it, like, yes, Oprah handled the entire drama poorly and yes, her That Girl weave was heinous, but come ON, why does the man who willingly starred in North and who dated Brooke Burns feel that he is in the position to comment on anything ever? Not to mention that the fact that this fool's story is STILL getting play is infuriating to me because the man lied about a book and yes, that was wrong, but we have a President who lied about a WAR and Oprah's not all up in his face with Marlo Thomas hair yelling at him, and the same random people who have never opened a book yet still start coversations with "So that Million Little Pieces book was fake, huh?" as if ANYBODY BELIEVED A WORD OF IT, are turning a blind eye to the fact that we just participated in a fake war and nothing is made of it and I AM SO CONFUSED.

    I think I need to take up yoga or something. For now, I will hope that Kara is rightfully eliminated from Runway tonight (Goooooooo Daniel Vosohottie and Chloe!) and soothe my nerves with a fantastic and refreshing Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke.

    Mallory at 2/15/2006 09:05:00 PM

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    Tuesday, February 07, 2006

    STOP: GRAMMY TIME

    It's everybody's favorite time of the year again. The time when you try to remember what differentiates Record of the Year from Song of the Year, the time when you stock up on No-Doz to help prepare for the hour long performance by an elderly singer, the time when you marvel at U2 for being nominated 748 years in a row for the same album. That's right: Grammy Time!

    The Grammys are the red-headed stepchild of awards shows. In a world where Oscar is King, SAG is highbrow, and the Golden Globes come with booze, the Grammys just can't compare. Any award show that contains vast amounts of Fergie and Usher and doesn't even have the common decency to give people in the audience a flask of liquor and/or a barf bag is just not right.

    That said, I am intrigued in spite of myself--well, I say that as though I have standards of any kind and did not stay up too late last night watching General Hospital and The Young and the Restless--by the race for Record of the Year, which features the Gorillaz, a rapper with a Jesus complex, a woman who thinks she's Hello Kitty, a drag queen and a band that made whining cool again. Fun! Let's look a bit deeper, shall we?

    [Aside: a commercial for the Grammys just proclaimed that Kanye West and Jamie Foxx performing together is a "once in a lifetime" event. The hell? Do they not remember "Slow Jamz"? If I have to remember it, they should too!]

    MARIAH CAREY We Belong Together


    There are times that I don't believe Mariah Carey is for real, just because it worries me that someone who believes so strongly in unicorns and glittery rainbows is allowed to roam free, since she could harm herself and others. But there she is, with the mental capability of a twelve year old who plays MASH in order to find out who she will marry, who decorates her locker with pictures of Hello Kitty and Strawberry Shortcake and who dots her i's with hearts. She is completely and utterly detached from reality, in a way that I both disdain and envy. From frolicking in the water (I know the word frolic is used quite often, but there is no word to describe it except for maybe prance) to having someone hold her drink for her, Mariah aka Mimi aka Princess Sparkle McBonBon Flutterton is operating in a world of her own.

    Which would be fine if she didn't keep making new music in my world. In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Daydream was the first CD I owned and that many hours were spent singing along to "Open Arms" and "Forever" into a brush in front of a mirror. I'm not proud. Old School Mariah (identified by her singular wind machine and multiple layers of clothing) was cool. When I turned 15ish, I grew out of my Mariah Carey phase, as I had finally grown older than her (and, fine, it coincided with when she started dating Derek Jeter and the snide comments she made about him being dim only exacerbated my animosity).

    Then she went all spazzy and carried around nineteen wind machines and wore an entire horse farm on her head and Glitter and now she's back with the biggest album of her career and she's all legitimate and shit, and I'm sorry, but what she does on this album is not singing and also, why is it called The Emancipation of Mimi, because I was under the impression that Mimi Caterpillar had already been emancipated via metamorphosis in the Butterfly album, but I digress. Anyhoo, "We Belong Together" is notable only for the video starring Wentworth Miller. The vocals are sort of whispery and willowy and the lyrics, well...

    When you left/I lost a part of me/It's still so hard to believe/Come back baby please, 'cause/We belong together/Who else am I gonna lean on/When times get rough/Who's gonna talk to me on the phone/Till the sun comes up/Who's gonna take your place/There ain't nobody better/Oh baby, baby, We belong together


    I swear, that is cribbed directly from a sixth grade girl's note to her boyfriend (does it count as being a boyfriend if all you do is walk to the bus together?)

    Verdict: No

    GREEN DAY Boulevard of Broken Dreams


    FIRST OF ALL, I don't understand why the Grammys have a billion loopholes in their rule book. I don't get why this is allowed to be nominated this year when American Idiot was nominated for awards last year.

    SECOND OF ALL, I don't understand why this song is so popular among the living. People looking to slit their wrists, sure. But really--the droning. What is with the whining? Just because Janice on Friends got some laughs because of her whine doesn't mean that entire songs need to be whined and droned and ohmigod.

    I walk a lonely road/The only one that I have ever known/Don't know where it goes/But it's home to me and I walk alone


    Yeah, alone except for every person who shops at Hot Topic and buys into this bullshit. This song is just way too emo for my liking. Emo and needy and no, I don't feel bad for you, Billie Joe Armstrong, because there's probably a reason people shun you.

    VERDICT: No

    GWEN STEFANI Hollaback Girl


    I like Gwen Stefani. I think she is cute, and I love that she is willing to take risks with fashion and cosmetic choices and that she's okay with looking like a fool. The video for "Cool" is unspeakably pretty. Sure, she is as needy as Green Day and she has a Mimiesque third grade thing going on with Love Angel Music Baby (did she just pick girly words out of a sparkly hat?), and her fetishization of Japanese culture is so not cute, but I have to stay on Team Stefani (Please shoot me the next time I say Team _______) because:

  • The woman has tricked an entire world into listening to her vent about her failed romance with Tony No Doubt. Think about the brilliance of that. Every single song she has written is about that breakup, and the public keeps eating it up and she is using US as her therapists and not only is she saving money on therapy bills but she is MAKING MONEY OFF OF IT. That is GENIUS.
  • I love drag queens

    But Hollaback Girl? Seriously? No. I have not met one person who is willing to go on the record stating that they enjoy this song, and I know some maladjusted freaks. I mean, it is the type of song that you are morbidly fascinated with, but to nominate it for an award is just...

    I heard that you were talking shit/And you didn't think that I would hear it/People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up/So I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack/Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out/That's right, put your pom-poms downs, getting everybody fired up


    There is something wrong with her.

    And this is saying nothing of the bizarre "B-A-N-A-N-A-S" part of the song. The first time I heard it, I thought I had stumbled upon Sesame Street or The Big Comfy Couch. I feared for the world when I learned it was a for real song.

    VERDICT: No. A million times, no

    KANYE WEST Gold Digger


    We've all heard it. We've all imitated Kanye's strange dance moves. We've all screamed out "WE WANT PRENUP" in a crowded public place. The song is catchy as hell. And you all know that I love Kanye, Jesus imitating and Cosby sweaters notwithstanding. But there are two things extremely wrong with this song and, as such, I don't feel right giving it an official endorsement

  • Jamie Foxx. Would you please let Ray Charles rest in peace? I was all about the Foxx last year and I wanted him to win the Oscar and he did and I was happy and Ray was brill but seriously, I think he may have had a psychotic break and no longer realizes that he is not Ray Charles, and I am pissed that Kanye is stringing along his delusional ass
  • The following
    My best friend say she use to fuck wit Usher/I dont care what none of y'all say I still love her


    WHAT

    THE

    FUCK

    ?!??!

    Nobody deserves Usher's sloppy seconds. Nobody. Not a chipmunk cheeked, sweater vest wearing egomaniac. Not Joel Stein. Not the creepy man who works at the deli next to my job. NOBODY.

    If I may be so bold as to suggest legislation that needs to be brought to the Senate immediately, I think that Usher needs to be quarantined. Sent to an island somewhere with nobody to keep him company except for Jermaine Dupri and Dominic Monaghan. The internet should have all pictures of him erased. I don't know why he looks like that. It is scary enough to have to look at somebody with a tiny head, or with a penis shaped nose, but when you combine the two and then add in skeeze? No words.

    On Seinfeld when Jerry found out his girlfriend was dating Newman, he was understandably freaked out. That is a normal reaction. But for Kanye to brazenly claim that he still loves this girl after hearing that she...knew...Usher? No. That is just the wrongest thing ever.

    Did he just need someone whose name rhymes with "Busta" and "her"? I mean, it's hard, for sure, since the only name I can come up with "Burr" as in Aaron and you know, if we're being honest, I'd rather that than Usher.

    VERDICT: USHER?!

    That leaves us with Gorillaz and "Feel Good Inc." by default, but which is a deserving song in its own right, so yay.

    And while I know that the Grammys mean nothing, I do hope Kanye wins big and if John Legend doesn't win at least Best New Artist, I am going to need to lay low at one of your houses after the mass murder I will surely commit. Fair warning!

    Mallory at 2/07/2006 09:24:00 PM

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    Thursday, February 02, 2006

    Say It Ain't So, Sammy Jo

    Ohmigod! Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are getting divorced. What the dissolved unions of Brad and Jen, Nick and Jessica, Paris and Paris couldn't do, this did: made me sad.

    I am completely neutral on the subject of Mr. Sambora, but I just adore Heather Locklear and I am automatically suspicious of people who don't like her. Those people will often offer up "But soap operas are lame!" in their defense, which is akin to hate speech.

    There are many reasons why Heather Locklear is better than most people, including:

  • Holding on to her dignity despite playing a character named Sammy Jo on Dynasty
  • Proud enough to rock the big hair in the new millennium
  • Pretty!
  • Is actually funny and willing to make fun of herself. Self awareness is so chic!
  • Digs irony, as evidenced by taking on roles in Uptown Girls and that Hilary Duff movie with Det. Mike Logan*

    There was another reason why I love Heather...oh, now I remember

    SHE PLAYED AMANDA MOTHERFUCKING WOODWARD! Seriously, one of the best characters ever. A fan of mini-skirts and catty one-liners, she was truly an inspiration and consistently entertaining, even when paired with Kyle McBride, played by Rob "Watch this manilla folder be more interesting than me" Estes.

    And, oddly, Rob Estes and Josie Bissett, who played Jane on Melrose just announced that THEY are divorcing after 14 years of marriage. What is happening to the world??? Let me just state, for the record, that if my favorite Melrose Couple Doug Savant and Laura Leighton get divorced, I will require therapy. I wish I were joking. [They looked cuter than cute at the SAG Awards]

    One last Melrose comment: I think we should start a fund to get Thomas Calabro back in the limelight. I mean, as much of the limelight that he was ever in. Perhaps the starring role as a smug lawyer in a Lifetime movie?

    SPEAKING of Lifetime movies, if you have not yet caught A Little Thing Called Murder, you need to, like, now. I'm begging you to. And I rarely, if ever, beg. If blind items are to be believed, Judy Davis is a shrieking hell beast, and boy did her real life issues help her here. She was awesome. Unhinged, evil and with the most cheesy set of wigs in recent memory. The Real Lucky from General Hospital also did well. Will Raven acquit herself as well in her upcoming Lifetime movie? Not even I, she of little taste and an addiction to cheese, will be tuning in to find out.

    ***


    One of my favorite people the lovely and talented Tanis over at Geek Chic posted a response to my Brad Pitt hateration, coming down in the firmly anti-Aniston camp. It's a great read, even if she is wrong because Brad Pitt sucks on several different levels. If you don't have her site bookmarked, you are missing out on a lot.

    ***


    I had a whole discussion about the Oscar nominations floating around in my head---incidentally, that sounds much more mentally ill than I mean it---and I have forgotten most of it. I will make the following comments:

  • Munich for Best Picture was a nice surprise
  • George Clooney getting three nominations made me squeal, if only because it probably made Bill O'Reilly cry**, as I imagine Ludacris winning a SAG Award did. Anything that upsets O'Reilly is fine by me
  • Terrence Howard looks too much like Eva Pigford for me to even have the ability to think about him rationally. The Oscars will no doubt be spent screaming "PIGFORD!" at the tv screen. Yes, I am a simple person, despite my efforts to hide that
  • Reese better get off this 1950s kick that she's vibing these days because it just doesn't work on her and I would be so disappointed to see her frumping it up on Oscar night. I love Reese to death, like, adoration squared, but if she wins over Felicity Huffman, I will be very sad.
  • I hate Judi Dench

    I am, as ever, excited about the show and will be blogging it live again! Woooo! It's a labor of love, but the only thing that would keep me away during the honorary award bullshit. Will this be the second year running that the host of the Oscars sends me and Negi a shoutout? Only time will tell. And if Jon Stewart feels as positively about me as I think he does***, I think we may be good to go.

    *I have no evidence that she took those roles ironically, but believing that helps me sleep through the night
    **For more O'Reilly hateration, please watch Keith Olbermann lay the smackdown
    ***We have never met, which I think equals positive feelings. Tabula rasa and all that.
    ***


    I literally just realized this, which is pathetic: How weird is it that Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman are BFF and their exes are procreating with Dawson's Creek stars? I don't know why that amuses me so. Probably because of the aforementioned simple thing.

    Mallory at 2/02/2006 08:34:00 PM

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