Sunday, November 27, 2005
So Many Unanswered Questions
Can we talk about the Spears-Federline family for a second?
I ask this on a daily basis, perhaps even an hourly basis, but being passe and repetitious has never stopped me before, so...Why?
The Britney/Christina feud/"We're not in a feud!"/"We're totally in a feud" is way famous and awesome: Popstars (one talented, one...fun), their fans who hate each other, breast implants (obvious and rumored), bad weaves, etc. The only thing missing was a dis song and I'm grateful we never got one, because I'd have asphyxiated from the awesome.
I mean, sure, technically the feud was one-sided (I maintain that this is because Britney is not always functioning enough to carry on a feud) and sure, Christina feuds with everybody from Mary J. Blige to Pink to Kelly Osbourne to Jennifer Love Hewitt, but still, wouldn't you do the same in her position? Anyway, even if she wasn't as, er, vocal about it, you know that Brit hated Xtina because she won the Grammy and she had a better voice and has been planning revenge. This form of revenge is so diabolical and somewhat clever that I don't know that it's entirely possible, but I know that Brit's raging hatred for Xtina will cause her to do crazy things like that. Can we talk about Xtina for a sec? Her wedding was so awesome and over the top and her, and I just adored it. PLUS! Justin Timberlake was there! Bwah! Considering that she looked gorge, had Brit's ex at the wedding and married someone normal, I think Chrissy won this round, cover of People be damned.
Can someone--anyone--answer that for me? Because I don't get it.
I mean, it's admirable that Britney wants to teach new moms how to look hot again, but I'm a little wary of taking advice from someone who went out in public looking like this...without the excuse of being pregnant. Um?
If I wanted to lose baby weight, the person I would want tips from is Heidi Freaking Klum. She just had a baby and she looks like that! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!
I know that Kevin "Freeloader" Federline is spending all of her money, but she has to have enough left to get that shit taken care of. There is no excuse for that. None.
Okay, I like Britney. "Slave 4 U" and "Toxic" are gifts to the human race on par with the invention of electricity. But nobody--nobody--nobody can claim with a straight face that Britney can sing. She can't. She just can't. I don't think she even remembers how to pretend to try. And that's okay. I ain't mad at ya, Brit. She usually sticks to what she knows (heavily synthesized vocals covered up with skimpy outfits) and works it. So whyyyyy is she thinking about replacing Christina Applegate in Sweet Charity? WHY?! Is her desire to one-up someone named Christina A that great? Does she want to sabotage herself that badly? I can't believe that she is seriously entertaining the thought of singing in front of people? That is so far out of her league that I can't even wrap my mind around it.
I know that nobody will have an answer for me, but I keep looking for little glimmers of sense and am coming up empty. Maybe he cleans up nicely for photographs?
No amount of therapy will ever make that picture right.
He's not good looking, so maybe he makes up for it in other ways? I turned to GQ for confirmation (Aside: Why is 50 Cent a man of the year? Unless society has become appreciative of bulldog looking bitches and I haven't been informed). GQ was, as ever, a help.
Since he's ugly and untalented and unemployed (as excellent a trifecta as there ever was), he surely has to be a doting housekeeper!
Details: Picks up after himself?
Kevin: Sometimes. You know how it is. Guys don't really pick up after themselves.
Details: Excels at some household task?
Kevin: Pressing the TV buttons. Yeah, dude. That's like the number one thing.
Hmmm...well, since he's ugly, untalented, unemployed and slovenly, he must be willing to let Britney do things she enjoys, right?
Details: Sits through Sex and the City without complaint?
Kevin: She'll watch the reruns even after she's seen the damn thing a hundred times. And I can't watch that. I'll sit there with her, but I ain't paying attention.
Details: Relinquishes control of the car stereo?
Kevin: That'd be one of them where the fights come in from time to time. I can't listen to Hilary Duff and Kelly Clarkson all the time
Huh. Well, then he must be romantic, definitely.
Details: Performs thoughtful gestures, such as buying flowers?
Kevin: Oh yeah. I'll call up the fucking florist before I get a hotel room for us and have them stock it with flowers and a card saying something. You've got to keep it interesting, man.
Oh. Well, since he's ugly, untalented, unemployed, self-centered and oafish, he at least makes a concerted effort to spend his wife's money on reasonable items.
I designed our backyard. We've got a pool, a grotto, a barbecue area. But the key piece is the shark tank. It's probably like 600 gallons. A flat-screen TV comes up in front of it. It's like a tropical paradise back here, man!
Why are women so willing to let him impregnate them? I am honestly wondering if Bobby Brown wouldn't be a step up for Britney.
It's becoming increasingly clear to me that Britney has turned into the parody she played way back on Saturday Night Live when she was clean and cute (It was on E! last night, I don't have SNL sketches memorized and categorized in my head [except for the Derek Jeter episode because that was brill cubed]). There was a sketch called Morning Latte, where she played a stank ho ex-Mouseketeer complete with dingy wig. Who could have known then that we were actually looking into the future?
Mallory at 11/27/2005 01:20:00 PM
Sunday, November 20, 2005
All Hail The Queen
Before I was allowed to graduate from college, I had to take a performance course. Nobody could explain to me why it was a requirement, only giving me the vague explanation that it is part of the school's history and that the nuns valued it (?), but cheerfully pointed out that I didn't have to take an acting class, I could take Oral Interpretations of Literature, which was much better because you don't need costumes and it sounds vaguely pornographic.
Traditionally, the class was about teaching you tools with which to properly read aloud poetry, drama and literature, but my particular class was taught by an adjunct, which everybody knows is just a keyword for "renegade". And since he had already planned on not coming back, he threw caution to the wind and mainly we spent a semester telling stories and doing one somewhat literature-oriented project about Hamlet, which was observed by the head of the English department and which led to a near hysterical spiel of mine in which I likened George W. Bush to Claudius and passionately denounced his love of chicken fingers and confetti. It didn't make any more sense at the time, don't worry.
One of our final assignments was to be given a random word of the professor's choosing and discuss its meaning and importance and relevance, all of which would be fine if it didn't have to be done onstage and if my chosen word wasn't salacious. Other people had interesting words (popsicle and beans are the only two that I remember at the moment) and there I am with salacious. The most important thing to note is that I am one of the least salacious people on the planet. Plainly speaking, I am uptight. So acting out salaciousness was not going to happen, because I am just not wired that way, and I decided to just talk about being salacious. So what could I do, I wondered. I didn't want to spend the entire time talking about The Wife of Bath, because I wanted people to be awake, and then it hit me. Who is the most salacious, provocative and amazing person of all time?
MADONNA!
Okay, fine, so she doesn't have anything to do with literature. Whatevs. I told the class that I loved Madonna and would choose her over anyone in the universe, and they all laughed, but I was being completely and utterly serious. I then ran down her greatest and most salacious moments, including
And so on. I was met with equal parts amusement and confusion, but that's how most people view conversing with me.
What was the point of that vignette, besides serving as therapy for a months old trauma? To ramble about Madonna, of course. For those of you who haven't yet picked up Confessions on a Dance Floor, you have to. Immediately. Like, seriously. It's everything you could ever hope a pop album would be, it's the kind of music that makes you want to just drop everything and dance, which is problematic if you are listening to it in public. The woman (who is 47OMG) looks better in hotpants and fishnets than most of us do in regular clothes. She's astounding.
Olivia recently had the privilege of seeing her perform in person (I sketched out an elaborate plan to fly to London and steal her identity in order to go myself, but my passport wasn't in order, damn it) and confirmed that she is beyond amazing. Brilliantly, she summed it up with "It was so bizarre, like she's Madonna and she's fabulous anyway, but watching her go, in a footstep, from Madonna to....MADONNA, head high, doing the Madonna stride onto stage, was just...magical." And despite my not being present (as I shake my fist at fate), I know exactly what she means.
I tried one day to look back upon my life's events and trace the genesis of my obsessive Madonna devotion and came up empty, as far as a particular moment goes. I think that it is just in my blood, though. I was born a year before her infamous VMA performance and I had parents whose brilliant idea of hands on parenting was to put MTV on and let me watch it, so one of my inspirations as a toddler, even, was Madonna. She was just an ever-present constant in my life. As I got older and more aware of things besides myself (well, to a degree), she was still everywhere. At camp in first grade, our group did a dance performance to "Like a Prayer", which basically consisted of standing like the choir from the video and clapping, with the occasional twirl tossed in. She was in A League of their Own which was and still is one of my favorite movies. And as my peers veered more and more into the world of new music, I remained firmly entrenched in the 80s, continuing to listen to her even when everybody else (in the tony suburbs) was repping Biggie and Tupac. I think it has something to do with being named after Mallory Keaton or osmosis, or something. I also distinctly remember sitting next to my radio for hours waiting for Z100 to play the world premiere of "Frozen", forgoing plans with friends and dinner, but that is more sad than anything.
I think she is just so important and so tremendous and I once had a near thesis length essay about "What Madonna Means To Me", but then I realized that some things you can't even put into words, and that's how I feel about Madonna. She's just so amazing, and so good at music and just being a celebrity and she seems so smart, and savvy and, well...go buy Confessions, and maybe you can understand if you don't already and if you do understand, you should have purchased it already!
I think we should also take a moment and pour a 40 on the carpet for Lisa, the possibly alcoholic and definitely crazy contestant eliminated last week from ANTM despite having the most consistent portfolio of anyone and being miles better than Kayla. Haters may point out that she looks to be approaching sixty and that she urinated in a diaper, but still. Let's remember Lisa for the brilliance that she gave us: "Have a Cookie"
Indeed we will, Lisa. Indeed we will.
Speaking of Top Model did anyone else watch the Tyra and Naomi throwdown on Tyra's talk show? Talk about anticlimactic. For someone so fierce and insane, Naomi was subdued and didn't fall for Tyra's high schoolish ploy to fight. I suppose that's what they mean when they talk about "taking the highroad" and all that. Oh, well. Maybe one day there will be the catfight I've waited for for so long, instead of this bizarre hugging and "We're all sisters" stuff. I'm just saying that Tyra should look out when she's in the dark.
Mallory at 11/20/2005 12:15:00 PM
Sunday, November 13, 2005
The Gadfly's Guide To Celebrity Siblings
As the old saying goes, nepotism ain't no thing (--Aristotle 334 B.C.). Throughout the course of history, people have been getting plum assignments and cushy jobs based on who their father or sister happened to be. It's not like this is a particularly groundbreaking development or anything, but the nepotism running rampant in the industry today is just amazing, particularly because the siblings who benefit from their more famous brother or sister are even less talented than the one who came first. I mean, at least Robert F. Kennedy turned out to be good, you know? That made it sting a little less. But now it has led to tragedies like Aaron Carter's career and I can't get behind that.
Lame celebrity siblings are hard to tell apart, so I thought I'd keep you informed of this pressing issue, should it ever come up in conversation. We'll go in alphabetical order to be fair. These sad creatures need a break sometimes, you know?
Aaron Carter
Brother: Nick Carter, member of the Backstreet Boys; the "cute one"
Claim to fame: Being the center of the feud between Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff
Oh, Aaron! I am morbidly fascinated with the young Mr. Carter because it's so rare to find someone so repulsive on every level. I mean, you start with the fact that he and his brother live with their mother on a compound, as evidenced on Cribs. Compounds are only for cults and Kennedys, everyone else with a compound is just freakish. The family itself? Icky. Mama Carter is almost positively a meth addict and their sister was arrested for shoplifting jewelry from a drugstore. I know the Backstreet Boys got screwed over by their management, but Nick couldn't give the girl some dough to get a bracelet at Claire's? Secondly, his music, as it were, is the nadir of, like, humanity.
It's like boom (boom)/I put it in the hoop/Like slam (slam)/I heard the crowd screaming/out jam (jam)/I swear that I'm telling you the facts/Cuz that's how I beat Shaq
He's also delusional
I've been seeing a couple of people. There was a Hawaiian Tropic model I was seeing named Monique....we're just friends now. I'm not going to tell you, "Oh, looks don't matter." If you don't look good, get away from me!
I'm thinking he should not be so quick to bust out with the ugly calling. He's also famous for being friends with Michael Jackson which...yeah. I don't know that he has a career to speak of anymore ("That's How I Beat Shaq" is seriously the only song of his I know of), and he's basically coasting on being the lothario who got with Lindsay and Hilary, who, I'm sorry, should kiss and make up and unite in order to destroy this vermin who played both of them. He's the type of guy you pretend you never dated, let alone instigated a feud because he cheated on you with someone. Shudder.
Ashlee Simpson
Sister: Jessica Simpson, singer and star of Newlyweds
Claim to Fame: Do I even need to go there?
Packaged as a punk rock (?) version of her sister Jessica, Ashlee started her career like all true punk rockers do: as a cast member of 7th Heaven. Too punk rock for the Camdens, Ashlee ditched the blonde hair and came back with a new black 'do and a screechy, caterwaul filled album that was a hit (?). Apparently, Americans like to be reminded that, no matter what their faults, there is someone less talented than they are. She even had a reality show, just like her sister Jessica where she wasn't quite as dumb as Jess, but wasn't as bright as the manila folder on my desk right now. Now a big-time sleb, Ashlee is asked to be on SNL where, well, we all know what happened. She then got booed when she performed at the Orange Bowl.
AND YET. She did not remain the laughingstock of the world. How is that possible? I don't know. We live in a time where people turn a blind eye to lies about weapons of mass destruction, so I guess we can also look past lip synching. Though, if she's going to lip synch, couldn't she have gotten someone to sing for her? I don't know why the Simpson girls think what they do (Ashlee--screeching, Jessica--screaming) qualifies as singing. Anyway, Cosmo was all over that shit and named her their Fun Fearless Female of the Year for 2005 because that's something that, as women, we should all aspire to. O...kay? As Jessica gets more famous and sleeps with the entire cast of Jackass, so too does Ashlee, who had another #1 album, proving that one should take an IQ test before purchasing music. Hilariously, the new trend Ashlee is attempting to usher in is being mean to food service people.
Bitch, stop talking to me! I'm nice!
Is, like, poetry. Better than all of her songs combined.
Bijou Phillips
Sister of Chynna Phillips, daughter of John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas
Claim to Fame: Wino
Bijou is a weird case, as she's not technically famous because of her sister, but since Chynna brought the world "Hold On", I think she has coattails worthy of being ridden to fame. Bijou is a drunk, sleazy freak. That about sums it up. She's BFF with Paris Hilton, she dated Sean Lennon and she wears dentures. As a kid, she needed dental work and her parents were too strung out to send her to the dentist, so her teeth rotted out and she got dentures. That's sort of tragic, I think, but it doesn't make her any less annoying. She gets into bar fights a lot. I'm a lover, not a fighter, so I don't think that's quite the best way to pass the time, but I don't know what else she'd do. I guess a hobby is a hobby.
Dannii Minogue
Sister of Kylie Minogue
Claim to Fame: "I Begin To Wonder"; appeared in the touring Grease: Arena Spectacular
My love for Kylie knows no bounds and nobody can touch her, not even someone who shares her DNA. While some of her songs are catchy, Dannii is just simply not what her sister is, will never be, and she should learn that, move on and go by her given name, Danielle, and not this bastardized nickname. What next, Dannnniiiiyyyyeee? Please. She posed for Australian Playboy right around the time that she had massive plastic surgery. Smoove, D. To sum up: KYLIE4LIFE!
Elle Fanning
Sister of Dakota Fanning
Claim to Fame: Being Dakota Fanning's sister
She's like Dakota Fanning, except younger! She's been in several of Dakota Fanning's movies! I don't know why this somehow makes it okay for Us Weekly to bold her name while discussing her, but there you have it. Expect her to be trotted out when Dakota becomes more of an irritating know-it-all than an adorably precocious kid. I think she's wearing a poncho in this picture...
Haylie Duff
Sister of Hilary Duff
Claim to Fame: Playing Summer in Napoleon Dynamite
I can't even coherently talk about Haylie Duff because I am so irritated by the fact that she claims to be two years younger than me. She looks ANCIENT. I know it's not her fault that she has that nose, but she could at least invest in anti-aging cream or something, because she looks twenty the way that Janice Dickinson looks fresh faced and natural. Haylie's CV is tragic
has appeared in several episodes of Lizzie McGuire, which stars her sister Hilary Duff. She has also appeared on another Disney Channel show, That's So Raven, and on other TV programs including Joan of Arcadia, American Dreams, Boston Public, and Chicago Hope. She wrote two songs for her sister's album Metamorphosis, "Sweet Sixteen" and "Inner Strength", and she also sang with Hilary on a 2004 cover of The Go-Gos song "Our Lips Are Sealed".
That's so sad. I can't believe that appearing on That's So Raven is now being used as proof that someone has a career. Wherever Hilary is, Haylie's with her, usually carrying a rat dog and being annoying. Everything about her is just so...very. Very old and very icky.
Jamie Lynn Spears
Sister of Britney Spears
Claim to Fame: Freakish Britney doppelganger; star of Zoey 101
You know for damn sure that Lynne Spears thanks God every night that she had another daughter to trot out once Britney gave her the finger and married Kevin Federline. When Britney's bank accounts are drained by K-Fed's do-rag budget, she'll still have residuals from Jamie's show on Nickelodeon to survive on. Which...is kinda good. If you are into the Nickelodeon thing. It's not, like, wretched or anything, which is more than I can say for most of the people on this list. She does look just like her sister, right down to the dye job and heavy makeup.
Lynda Lopez
Sister of Jennifer Lopez
Claim to Fame: CBS Local Weekend Anchor
It must suck to have a sister like Jennifer Lopez who does EVERYTHING, making your appearances on VH1 shows and E! News Live seem sort of like starring in a community theater production. Such is the life of Lynda Lopez. She has an awful lot of teeth, doesn't she? As anyone in the tri-state area knows, Lynda is damn near annoying. She also dated Chris Booker, from the TV Guide channel, which is embarrassing, yet still a step up from Marc Anthony.
Nicky Hilton
Sister of Paris Hilton
Claim to Fame: Dancing on tables; Vegas wedding; "handbag designer"
It's sort of unfair to lump Nicky Hilton in with these wannabes since she and Paris became famous as a team, The Hilton Sisters(TM), but when Paris got well known she left her sister behind. Nicky is...well, okay. Paris is striking, you know? Using the Newsradio definition as well as the fact that she just looks odd. But she's noticeable. Nicky, though? Well, she's got pretty hair. Shame about the face. Anyway, as Paris started to sleep with everybody and videotaping it, Nicky wanted to be noticed too, damn it. She started by dyeing her hair brown. Edgy! She then started designing handbags. Those bags are worth hundreds of dollars like Haylie Duff looks twenty. When that didn't work, she got married to a man named Todd Meister who looked like the sleazy guy who watches you work out at the gym. Ew! They got an annulment. Now she is dating the brother from Unhappily Ever After while Paris boozes with Greek shipping heirs worth billions. It's sad, but so fitting for a celebrity sibling.
Solange Knowles
Sister of Beyonce Knowles
Claim to Fame: Getting knocked up
Sure, it sounds vulgar when I put it that way, but who the hell knew who Solange Knowles was before she got pregnant? A whole lot of no one, that's who. Her Wikipedia biography is the sort of biography one would write for the playbill of the high school production of My Fair Lady
Solange also appeared on the Destiny's Child holiday album "8 Days of Christmas", (released in 2001), singing back up vocals on "Little Drummer Boy".
The album debuted in the top 50 of the U.S. Billboard 200 albums chart.
You know damn well that album debuted at #49 and sank to #163 immediately.
Poor Solange. Her father busted out all the stops for Destiny's Child and ignored her. Aww.
So there you have it. The near definitive list of wannabe celebrities. Just in case it ever comes up in conversation. I live in fear that Eva Longoria has a sibling with an even more insane desire for fame than Eva, which means that there will be two Longoria's on every magazine page, billboard and television show in the world which is scary.
Mallory at 11/13/2005 12:35:00 PM
Friday, November 11, 2005
Vitriol
I don't have the most discerning standards in the world when it comes to certain things including music, movies, television, and magazines. My taste in food and men, however, is impeccable.
(This is not the time or place to make fun of Hostess SnoBalls or the size of Tom Brady's head, okay? It's just not)
My taste in literature is a little questionable. As an English major, I have learned to appreciate most of the classics, and there are certain highbrow books that I will defend to the death. At the same time, I am not saying that I am above reading fluff as a way to spend the time, because I theorize that reading dense classics all in a row will cause brain damage and lead to an early death. I also think that something like Shopaholic Takes Manhattan is more fitting for a trip to the beach than Anna Karenina is (Let's pretend just for the moment that I actually enjoy the beach. Work with me). Chicklit, as they call it, I guess since cutesy books deserve cutesy names, is generally not worth stressing over.
However.
There are some books that are so wretchedly awful that it actually infuriates me that they were published. Patently offensive and poorly written? SIGN ME UP! I feel the need to rant about some of these books to you because a well meaning soul gave me one yesterday and I nearly had a heart attack when I was finished reading it (in one sitting, as I kept turning the pages in horror, assuming that the author would finally admit to creating a parody).
Elegance, by Kathleen Tessaro seems promising at first glance. The premise is that a woman finds a copy of a manual for achieving elegance from the 1950s, when such a book was all the rage. The narrator, Louise, decides to make it her new bible (and refers to it as such). We then track her progress as she goes from frump to fab. Isn't that exciting?
I wasn't expecting Fitzgerald, you guys, I really wasn't, but I don't understand why any author would create such an unstable, unlikable character and hope that readers will be interested in what happens to her. Louise is frumpy, self conscious and surrounded by models. That's semi-relatable, at least; we all know the feeling of being with people who seem really perfect and make us feel dowdy in comparison. She's emotionally and physically distant from her husband, who, as it turns out, is gay. In their climactic breakup scene, Louise takes what could be righteous anger and turns it into nonstop cruelty. You...go girl? Louise then makes herself over, and reads Vogue in order to get fashion inspiration, becoming both prostitute-like (wearing a micromini and gold glitter to the Ritz) and cruel (being mean to her roommates who only want to help her) in the process. Which you could almost, almost, almost explain away if the character were young, but she is 32. That's the type of age where it's sort of mandatory that you become aware of what is going on around you.
The supporting cast of characters is poorly written and highly stereotypical, from the gay best friend to the shrewish mother-in-law to the dim but pretty new friends that Louise acquires after making herself hot; no pretty person would ever willingly associate with a fattie, don't you know? The character being miserable while fat (we don't know her exact size but we know she's big enough to be mistaken for a pregnant woman in a "hilarious" scene) and only when she loses weight and can wear Pucci knockoffs is she happy.
Peppered throughout are mentions of looking like one has Down Syndrome with improperly applied makeup (that's...what?), repeated references to looking special needs and multiple uses of the word tard. What? I...am I too PC or something? Because that makes me sort of uncomfortable. Perhaps in an effort to combat the chicklit rep, the author throws in deep backstory for Louise, including an eating disorder, her parents unhappy marriage, her mother's suicide attempt and her abortion. And spends two paragraphs, maximum, on them which...why bother mentioning at all? It's sort of jarring to go from twelve pages of searching for a hat to wear to Ascot to "When I was sixteen, I had an abortion". Buh?
But--there's always a but, isn't there?--bad as it was, it can in no way compare to the crime against humanity known as Jemima J.
I say this with all the power I can muster: FUCK JEMIMA J.
If I stop writing in the middle of a sentence, you can safely assume that I have stroked out or something due to the vitriol I feel for this book, its author and the publishing world for allowing people to read this atrocity.
Jemima J is similar to Elegance in that it follows a self conscious heroine as she transforms into a beautiful butterfly. Jemima, the protagonist, is MORBIDLY OBESE. She has at least twelve chins and her ass hangs off of her seat because it is so big. She's huge! And then you find out that she's 5'7" and 217 pounds.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's not Daria Werbowy, but it's also not the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That's slightly overweight, not horrifically obese. Let me take a deep, soothing breath before I go on.
Jemima is not a virgin, but she might as well be. She lost her virginity in a dark closet, which had to happen because men are so repelled by her obesity that she just can't be seen in the light of day. And male attention? Puhlease. Only if it is of the jeering variety. She spends her free time cutting out pictures of supermodels, hating herself and pining over the suave and amazingly handsome guy she works with.
Then, with the help of a meddling (thin) friend, she discovers online dating. Intriguing! She falls for a man who, as it turns out...is a health guru! LOL! WACKY! But wait...just wait for it. A health god as tanned and buff as Brad (I think) would never hang out with a fattie! So MeddlingSkinny emails a photoshopped version of Jemima to him and he loves it! Then he says he wants her to fly out to California to meet him! HAHAHA! But what will Jemima do???
Obviously, she goes on a crash diet and starts to live at the gym. In the span of three months, she loses 100 pounds (I swear, that's what the book says) and becomes GORGEOUS. It's like diet porn. Readers get a detailed look at how she lost the weight and how her body looks now, with page long descriptions of her concave stomach). Of course, the man who works at the gym is concerned about her (Oh, yes, there are these random passages told from someone else's perspective, I don't know why) but everyone else is just too impressed with HottJemima to care. So HottJemima flies out to California to meet Buff Brad and they have lots of sex...when it's light out! Because she's so sexy!
There's an odd subplot where it turns out that Brad has a fetish where he loves fat women (?) but I am sketchy on the details, because I am too blinded with hate for the fact that the dreamy love interest only notices Jemima when he sees how thin and blonde and beautiful she is. She was a buddy when she was fat and smart (worst combination evah), but she's only worth marrying when she's thin and smart. YAY FOR HAPPY ENDINGS!!!!
I generally don't ask for much, but I am calling upon all of you to go to your local library, find Jemima J and stick a note in it that says DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. It is our duty as human beings to save people the pain of reading that wretched, unfunny and poorly written book.
And to make me even more angry and depressed, Arrested Development is officially gone. That sound you just heard was my heart breaking.
Mallory at 11/11/2005 01:05:00 PM
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Oh, Britters
Could it be? Could Britney Spears have a spare brain cell rolling around in her frappuccino addled head that encouraged her to make a positive decision? Because some outlets are reporting that she kicked Kevin "Freeloader" Federline out of their mansion in order to get breathing room. A more reputable news outlet, E!, had an item about Britney and Kevin on their little scroller thingy this morning but I was too wrapped up in watching their THS Investigates: Murder and the Media while I got dressed for work to pay any attention and only saw, "Spears and Federline have been married since last year". What could this mean?! Could she really have that much sense? Did Mama Lynne finally get through to her? Was Kevin actually bringing his tricks back to their home instead of discreetly meeting them in the backseat of parked cars? I wonder...
IN BRITNEY'S FAVOR
POINTS AGAINST BRITNEY
I probably shouldn't go on. Logic dictates that the girl ain't bright, but part of me really wants Britney to be a hidden mastermind, plotting the systematic humiliation of Kevin Federline and Justin Timberlake (perhaps even simultaneously), being outed as the real White House leak and embezzling from a Fortune 500 company. That is the same part of me that likes her greatest hits album and watches UPN sitcoms. The dim, delusional part.
I was discussing Sienna Miller with a co-worker the other day. Well, maybe discussing isn't the right word.
Mallory: You know, from some angles, Sienna Miller looks like Camilla Parker-Bowles.
Co-Worker: Who?
Mallory: Um, the Duchess of Cornwall?
Co-Worker: No, I knew that. Who was the other one?
Mallory: Sienna Miller. She was in Alfie? She got cheated on by Jude Law? She was on that show Keen Eddie?
Co-Worker: (Blank Stare)
Mallory: She's blonde? She insidiously stole the style of Kate Moss and is lauded as an icon for it?
Co-Worker: Kate Moss the drug addict?
Mallory: Focus!
Co-Worker: The girl who wears the leggings?
That conversation encapsulated so much about the celebrity of Sienna Miller and that one sentence--the girl who wears the leggings--summed her up entirely. WHY IS SHE SO FAMOUS? In their story on America's Next Top Model (or lack thereof, the New York Times offers this critique from a fashion industry insider:
"Vogue is going to run a cover of Sienna Miller...As far as most Americans are concerned, this woman is famous for dating a man who made three flops in a row...She's roadkill but these editors still insist that she can sell more magazines than a picture of Daria."
And I died of laughter. Seriously, I out and out cackled when I read that, raising a few eyebrows in the process (people at work are not used to my showing positive emotion of any kind). It's so true! She's nothing! Less than nothing! Let's investigate:
Kate Moss did it first and Kate Moss did it better. I, personally, feel uncomfortable living in a world where a girl who hardly ever wears shoes is lauded as fashionable, I'm sorry. M-K Olsen also does the boho look but cleverly mixes in the oversized, bag lady part of it, making it more unique. Sienna? Derivative.
Can we just talk about the girl's C.V. for a second? She was on a failed FOX sitcom that aired for 13 episodes, and she was in two movies that nobody saw: Alfie (which, fine, I did see) and Layer Cake, and she has a high profile role in Casanova, coming soon. Which...okay, you guys? If she is this famous, where is the mass tabloid love for Linda Cardelini, huh? She was on a (genius!) failed sitcom and should be popular because of that. Is it the taint of ER that is keeping her out of the public eye? I mean, really. Two film roles and a bad TV show shouldn't propel you to the cover of Vogue.
Yes, she is. Very pretty, actually. I am notoriously shallow and like pretty things and, normally, would be pro-Sienna just for that, but no. Okay? No. There are other pretty people in the industry and they are not this popular. Can't we give our praise to Zooey Deschanel?
Is this what is getting her attention? You could say the same for Liz Hurley, I guess, except that La Liz is a)fierce and b)in possession of the dress.
In conclusion: Sienna is boring. Please, media insiders, take note of this and stop putting her on the pages of your magazines. The world will thank you.
I am afraid of what will happen when Rent hits theaters. There is a segment of the world scarily obsessed with that show and I am afraid of the prospect that people will be singing songs in the streets. I didn't see the original production, so I don't know if he did it then, but why is Adam Pascal all stilted and British in the trailer? Between that and that damn "525,600 minutes" song, the trailer is a nonstop assault on my fragile mind.
The Victoria's Secret fashion show is this Wednesday, which is notable for two reasons. Firstly, it is the last show Tyra Banks will do with them. Tear! Going off to focus on things like the treatment of the overweight in society, Tyra ends and long and lucrative career with VS and you know what? The woman is hokey as hell and really sort of annoying, but I can't help but like her anyway. It's probably residual love for creating ANTM.
Secondly, Caroline Trentini will be walking in the VS show and this disturbs me. For starters, the girl has one expression, which is bitchface. It's just going to be "Here's bitchface in a bra!" "Here's bitchface with ginormous wings on her back!" And--the girl isn't fit for lingerie modeling. In fact, there are few models less cut out for lingerie than she is (I am thinking of Jade Parfitt in particular, mostly because we'd all die of blindness if exposed to her wearing VS goods). Yuck.
Big ups to Not (That) Ugly for the new layout. It's bright and fun! Hurrah!
Mallory at 11/06/2005 03:24:00 PM