Sunday, November 27, 2005
So Many Unanswered Questions
Can we talk about the Spears-Federline family for a second?
I ask this on a daily basis, perhaps even an hourly basis, but being passe and repetitious has never stopped me before, so...Why?
The Britney/Christina feud/"We're not in a feud!"/"We're totally in a feud" is way famous and awesome: Popstars (one talented, one...fun), their fans who hate each other, breast implants (obvious and rumored), bad weaves, etc. The only thing missing was a dis song and I'm grateful we never got one, because I'd have asphyxiated from the awesome.
I mean, sure, technically the feud was one-sided (I maintain that this is because Britney is not always functioning enough to carry on a feud) and sure, Christina feuds with everybody from Mary J. Blige to Pink to Kelly Osbourne to Jennifer Love Hewitt, but still, wouldn't you do the same in her position? Anyway, even if she wasn't as, er, vocal about it, you know that Brit hated Xtina because she won the Grammy and she had a better voice and has been planning revenge. This form of revenge is so diabolical and somewhat clever that I don't know that it's entirely possible, but I know that Brit's raging hatred for Xtina will cause her to do crazy things like that. Can we talk about Xtina for a sec? Her wedding was so awesome and over the top and her, and I just adored it. PLUS! Justin Timberlake was there! Bwah! Considering that she looked gorge, had Brit's ex at the wedding and married someone normal, I think Chrissy won this round, cover of People be damned.
Can someone--anyone--answer that for me? Because I don't get it.
I mean, it's admirable that Britney wants to teach new moms how to look hot again, but I'm a little wary of taking advice from someone who went out in public looking like this...without the excuse of being pregnant. Um?
If I wanted to lose baby weight, the person I would want tips from is Heidi Freaking Klum. She just had a baby and she looks like that! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!
I know that Kevin "Freeloader" Federline is spending all of her money, but she has to have enough left to get that shit taken care of. There is no excuse for that. None.
Okay, I like Britney. "Slave 4 U" and "Toxic" are gifts to the human race on par with the invention of electricity. But nobody--nobody--nobody can claim with a straight face that Britney can sing. She can't. She just can't. I don't think she even remembers how to pretend to try. And that's okay. I ain't mad at ya, Brit. She usually sticks to what she knows (heavily synthesized vocals covered up with skimpy outfits) and works it. So whyyyyy is she thinking about replacing Christina Applegate in Sweet Charity? WHY?! Is her desire to one-up someone named Christina A that great? Does she want to sabotage herself that badly? I can't believe that she is seriously entertaining the thought of singing in front of people? That is so far out of her league that I can't even wrap my mind around it.
I know that nobody will have an answer for me, but I keep looking for little glimmers of sense and am coming up empty. Maybe he cleans up nicely for photographs?
No amount of therapy will ever make that picture right.
He's not good looking, so maybe he makes up for it in other ways? I turned to GQ for confirmation (Aside: Why is 50 Cent a man of the year? Unless society has become appreciative of bulldog looking bitches and I haven't been informed). GQ was, as ever, a help.
Since he's ugly and untalented and unemployed (as excellent a trifecta as there ever was), he surely has to be a doting housekeeper!
Details: Picks up after himself?
Kevin: Sometimes. You know how it is. Guys don't really pick up after themselves.
Details: Excels at some household task?
Kevin: Pressing the TV buttons. Yeah, dude. That's like the number one thing.
Hmmm...well, since he's ugly, untalented, unemployed and slovenly, he must be willing to let Britney do things she enjoys, right?
Details: Sits through Sex and the City without complaint?
Kevin: She'll watch the reruns even after she's seen the damn thing a hundred times. And I can't watch that. I'll sit there with her, but I ain't paying attention.
Details: Relinquishes control of the car stereo?
Kevin: That'd be one of them where the fights come in from time to time. I can't listen to Hilary Duff and Kelly Clarkson all the time
Huh. Well, then he must be romantic, definitely.
Details: Performs thoughtful gestures, such as buying flowers?
Kevin: Oh yeah. I'll call up the fucking florist before I get a hotel room for us and have them stock it with flowers and a card saying something. You've got to keep it interesting, man.
Oh. Well, since he's ugly, untalented, unemployed, self-centered and oafish, he at least makes a concerted effort to spend his wife's money on reasonable items.
I designed our backyard. We've got a pool, a grotto, a barbecue area. But the key piece is the shark tank. It's probably like 600 gallons. A flat-screen TV comes up in front of it. It's like a tropical paradise back here, man!
Why are women so willing to let him impregnate them? I am honestly wondering if Bobby Brown wouldn't be a step up for Britney.
It's becoming increasingly clear to me that Britney has turned into the parody she played way back on Saturday Night Live when she was clean and cute (It was on E! last night, I don't have SNL sketches memorized and categorized in my head [except for the Derek Jeter episode because that was brill cubed]). There was a sketch called Morning Latte, where she played a stank ho ex-Mouseketeer complete with dingy wig. Who could have known then that we were actually looking into the future?
Mallory at 11/27/2005 01:20:00 PM