Sunday, November 13, 2005
The Gadfly's Guide To Celebrity Siblings
As the old saying goes, nepotism ain't no thing (--Aristotle 334 B.C.). Throughout the course of history, people have been getting plum assignments and cushy jobs based on who their father or sister happened to be. It's not like this is a particularly groundbreaking development or anything, but the nepotism running rampant in the industry today is just amazing, particularly because the siblings who benefit from their more famous brother or sister are even less talented than the one who came first. I mean, at least Robert F. Kennedy turned out to be good, you know? That made it sting a little less. But now it has led to tragedies like Aaron Carter's career and I can't get behind that.
Lame celebrity siblings are hard to tell apart, so I thought I'd keep you informed of this pressing issue, should it ever come up in conversation. We'll go in alphabetical order to be fair. These sad creatures need a break sometimes, you know?
Aaron Carter
Brother: Nick Carter, member of the Backstreet Boys; the "cute one"
Claim to fame: Being the center of the feud between Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff
Oh, Aaron! I am morbidly fascinated with the young Mr. Carter because it's so rare to find someone so repulsive on every level. I mean, you start with the fact that he and his brother live with their mother on a compound, as evidenced on Cribs. Compounds are only for cults and Kennedys, everyone else with a compound is just freakish. The family itself? Icky. Mama Carter is almost positively a meth addict and their sister was arrested for shoplifting jewelry from a drugstore. I know the Backstreet Boys got screwed over by their management, but Nick couldn't give the girl some dough to get a bracelet at Claire's? Secondly, his music, as it were, is the nadir of, like, humanity.
It's like boom (boom)/I put it in the hoop/Like slam (slam)/I heard the crowd screaming/out jam (jam)/I swear that I'm telling you the facts/Cuz that's how I beat Shaq
He's also delusional
I've been seeing a couple of people. There was a Hawaiian Tropic model I was seeing named Monique....we're just friends now. I'm not going to tell you, "Oh, looks don't matter." If you don't look good, get away from me!
I'm thinking he should not be so quick to bust out with the ugly calling. He's also famous for being friends with Michael Jackson which...yeah. I don't know that he has a career to speak of anymore ("That's How I Beat Shaq" is seriously the only song of his I know of), and he's basically coasting on being the lothario who got with Lindsay and Hilary, who, I'm sorry, should kiss and make up and unite in order to destroy this vermin who played both of them. He's the type of guy you pretend you never dated, let alone instigated a feud because he cheated on you with someone. Shudder.
Ashlee Simpson
Sister: Jessica Simpson, singer and star of Newlyweds
Claim to Fame: Do I even need to go there?
Packaged as a punk rock (?) version of her sister Jessica, Ashlee started her career like all true punk rockers do: as a cast member of 7th Heaven. Too punk rock for the Camdens, Ashlee ditched the blonde hair and came back with a new black 'do and a screechy, caterwaul filled album that was a hit (?). Apparently, Americans like to be reminded that, no matter what their faults, there is someone less talented than they are. She even had a reality show, just like her sister Jessica where she wasn't quite as dumb as Jess, but wasn't as bright as the manila folder on my desk right now. Now a big-time sleb, Ashlee is asked to be on SNL where, well, we all know what happened. She then got booed when she performed at the Orange Bowl.
AND YET. She did not remain the laughingstock of the world. How is that possible? I don't know. We live in a time where people turn a blind eye to lies about weapons of mass destruction, so I guess we can also look past lip synching. Though, if she's going to lip synch, couldn't she have gotten someone to sing for her? I don't know why the Simpson girls think what they do (Ashlee--screeching, Jessica--screaming) qualifies as singing. Anyway, Cosmo was all over that shit and named her their Fun Fearless Female of the Year for 2005 because that's something that, as women, we should all aspire to. O...kay? As Jessica gets more famous and sleeps with the entire cast of Jackass, so too does Ashlee, who had another #1 album, proving that one should take an IQ test before purchasing music. Hilariously, the new trend Ashlee is attempting to usher in is being mean to food service people.
Bitch, stop talking to me! I'm nice!
Is, like, poetry. Better than all of her songs combined.
Bijou Phillips
Sister of Chynna Phillips, daughter of John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas
Claim to Fame: Wino
Bijou is a weird case, as she's not technically famous because of her sister, but since Chynna brought the world "Hold On", I think she has coattails worthy of being ridden to fame. Bijou is a drunk, sleazy freak. That about sums it up. She's BFF with Paris Hilton, she dated Sean Lennon and she wears dentures. As a kid, she needed dental work and her parents were too strung out to send her to the dentist, so her teeth rotted out and she got dentures. That's sort of tragic, I think, but it doesn't make her any less annoying. She gets into bar fights a lot. I'm a lover, not a fighter, so I don't think that's quite the best way to pass the time, but I don't know what else she'd do. I guess a hobby is a hobby.
Dannii Minogue
Sister of Kylie Minogue
Claim to Fame: "I Begin To Wonder"; appeared in the touring Grease: Arena Spectacular
My love for Kylie knows no bounds and nobody can touch her, not even someone who shares her DNA. While some of her songs are catchy, Dannii is just simply not what her sister is, will never be, and she should learn that, move on and go by her given name, Danielle, and not this bastardized nickname. What next, Dannnniiiiyyyyeee? Please. She posed for Australian Playboy right around the time that she had massive plastic surgery. Smoove, D. To sum up: KYLIE4LIFE!
Elle Fanning
Sister of Dakota Fanning
Claim to Fame: Being Dakota Fanning's sister
She's like Dakota Fanning, except younger! She's been in several of Dakota Fanning's movies! I don't know why this somehow makes it okay for Us Weekly to bold her name while discussing her, but there you have it. Expect her to be trotted out when Dakota becomes more of an irritating know-it-all than an adorably precocious kid. I think she's wearing a poncho in this picture...
Haylie Duff
Sister of Hilary Duff
Claim to Fame: Playing Summer in Napoleon Dynamite
I can't even coherently talk about Haylie Duff because I am so irritated by the fact that she claims to be two years younger than me. She looks ANCIENT. I know it's not her fault that she has that nose, but she could at least invest in anti-aging cream or something, because she looks twenty the way that Janice Dickinson looks fresh faced and natural. Haylie's CV is tragic
has appeared in several episodes of Lizzie McGuire, which stars her sister Hilary Duff. She has also appeared on another Disney Channel show, That's So Raven, and on other TV programs including Joan of Arcadia, American Dreams, Boston Public, and Chicago Hope. She wrote two songs for her sister's album Metamorphosis, "Sweet Sixteen" and "Inner Strength", and she also sang with Hilary on a 2004 cover of The Go-Gos song "Our Lips Are Sealed".
That's so sad. I can't believe that appearing on That's So Raven is now being used as proof that someone has a career. Wherever Hilary is, Haylie's with her, usually carrying a rat dog and being annoying. Everything about her is just so...very. Very old and very icky.
Jamie Lynn Spears
Sister of Britney Spears
Claim to Fame: Freakish Britney doppelganger; star of Zoey 101
You know for damn sure that Lynne Spears thanks God every night that she had another daughter to trot out once Britney gave her the finger and married Kevin Federline. When Britney's bank accounts are drained by K-Fed's do-rag budget, she'll still have residuals from Jamie's show on Nickelodeon to survive on. Which...is kinda good. If you are into the Nickelodeon thing. It's not, like, wretched or anything, which is more than I can say for most of the people on this list. She does look just like her sister, right down to the dye job and heavy makeup.
Lynda Lopez
Sister of Jennifer Lopez
Claim to Fame: CBS Local Weekend Anchor
It must suck to have a sister like Jennifer Lopez who does EVERYTHING, making your appearances on VH1 shows and E! News Live seem sort of like starring in a community theater production. Such is the life of Lynda Lopez. She has an awful lot of teeth, doesn't she? As anyone in the tri-state area knows, Lynda is damn near annoying. She also dated Chris Booker, from the TV Guide channel, which is embarrassing, yet still a step up from Marc Anthony.
Nicky Hilton
Sister of Paris Hilton
Claim to Fame: Dancing on tables; Vegas wedding; "handbag designer"
It's sort of unfair to lump Nicky Hilton in with these wannabes since she and Paris became famous as a team, The Hilton Sisters(TM), but when Paris got well known she left her sister behind. Nicky is...well, okay. Paris is striking, you know? Using the Newsradio definition as well as the fact that she just looks odd. But she's noticeable. Nicky, though? Well, she's got pretty hair. Shame about the face. Anyway, as Paris started to sleep with everybody and videotaping it, Nicky wanted to be noticed too, damn it. She started by dyeing her hair brown. Edgy! She then started designing handbags. Those bags are worth hundreds of dollars like Haylie Duff looks twenty. When that didn't work, she got married to a man named Todd Meister who looked like the sleazy guy who watches you work out at the gym. Ew! They got an annulment. Now she is dating the brother from Unhappily Ever After while Paris boozes with Greek shipping heirs worth billions. It's sad, but so fitting for a celebrity sibling.
Solange Knowles
Sister of Beyonce Knowles
Claim to Fame: Getting knocked up
Sure, it sounds vulgar when I put it that way, but who the hell knew who Solange Knowles was before she got pregnant? A whole lot of no one, that's who. Her Wikipedia biography is the sort of biography one would write for the playbill of the high school production of My Fair Lady
Solange also appeared on the Destiny's Child holiday album "8 Days of Christmas", (released in 2001), singing back up vocals on "Little Drummer Boy".
The album debuted in the top 50 of the U.S. Billboard 200 albums chart.
You know damn well that album debuted at #49 and sank to #163 immediately.
Poor Solange. Her father busted out all the stops for Destiny's Child and ignored her. Aww.
So there you have it. The near definitive list of wannabe celebrities. Just in case it ever comes up in conversation. I live in fear that Eva Longoria has a sibling with an even more insane desire for fame than Eva, which means that there will be two Longoria's on every magazine page, billboard and television show in the world which is scary.
Mallory at 11/13/2005 12:35:00 PM
2 Comments
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at 5:17 AM
Rayanne Graff said... The fact that there is a second Fanning chills me to the core.
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at 8:49 PM
CLC said...
Indeed, you are so right, Ashlee Simpson is so, so wrong. And it seemed like her wrongness, fugliness and talentlessness would actually send her hoe-downing off into the obscurity she so richly deserves ... and yet, she's still here. Bigger, badder and blonder than ever. Why?
Arrested Development (may it rest in peace - my heart also breaks)gets cancelled because no one watches it, but Ashlee Simpson has the number 1 album in America? Oh yeah, it is all so clear now.
I also had no idea there was a Fanning-lite. How is it that she manages to look even creepier than her older sister?
Haylie Duff just makes me sad. Weren't she and Paris supposed to get into some throwdown about a song each wanted to record on their respective albums? Yeah, people are rushing out to buy those. Actually, I shouldn't joke about it. Those Ashlee Simpson fans will be trolling iTunes for additional "music" at some point.