Thursday, August 17, 2006
Um, Ew
I take things very seriously. It is probably my single biggest character flaw. I can't even count the times I have stormed away from the dining room table in tears because somebody made a joke at my expense, usually pertaining to the size of my head or the fact that Derek Jeter looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.
But for once, I don't think I am overreacting when I wound up seething and crying after reading a magazine article.
Details brings us the article Why Fat Is Back In Hollywood. Huh? I read trashy magazines like it's my job and in none of these magazines did I see actresses and other celebrities who looked fat. But I am often oblivious, so maybe I'm wrong.
So, apparently, the curvy figure is back in style. I am uncomfortable with the idea that a body can be in or out of style since it's so, like, possible to change the one you have. But whatever. I'm all for appreciation of curvy women, even if the entire article has that smarmy sort of feel to it, like, "by saying this, I am proving I am sensitive and sucking up to the majority of women in the country and I am soooo going to get laid" which, ew.
I do, however, have problems with the following:
Bwah! If you're bigger than an Olsen twin, you are a fattie which means you are like a pig in ugly heels. Hilarious
is a fattie.
Somewhere along the line I remembered that Details in and of itself is a waste of my time so I should not spend any more time being irritated with it, but I can't help it because (1)I am oversensitive (2)I like to complain and (3)whoever wrote this has a better job than I do and that is just not fair.
While I am in a horrible mood, I might as well register my disgust that the delightful and adorable Allison was kicked off of Project Runway so that Vincent could stay.
Okay, Allison's garment was hideola and that insane hair choice was not helping
But Vincent has brought us not one, not two, but four horrible creations and if he is not stopped soon, weeks of our lives will be ruined by having to view the insanity that he considers high fashion
I think he needs a rabies shot.
What the hell, Heidi? You're the world's most adorable person and I could listen to you mangle traditional pronunciations all the live long day, but you crib Elle McPherson's nickname and then you try to turn the whole world blind by making us deal with Vincent every day?! On top of his hideola designs, he makes repeated references to what "gets [him] off" and EW! EW! No! Stop! Seriously! EW!
If he doesn't go next week, I am filing a class action lawsuit.
And! The Yankees get rocked by the Orioles. Nothing is going my way today! Is this Tom Cruise's way of exacting revenge on me for all of the times I have made fun of him? Is Xenu truly that powerful?
Honestly, how do they let Jaret Wright pitch in the major leagues? I'd much rather have Ron Guidry out on the mound or maybe even Don Larsen. This has got to stop.
Mallory at 8/17/2006 05:38:00 PM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Ew, Timberflake
I've been feeling dreadfully old lately, because all of the hard-hitting journalism I read is talking about things like the new season of Laguna Beach and Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler breaking up and I am pretty much speechless because I know nothing about either of those things. What the hell is a Moakler? I always prided myself upon being hip and with it, but right now I'm, like, a step above my father who once asked me what David Beckham's wife if famous for, and when I had a fit and started screaming incoherently about the Spice Girls, he asked if that was a band.
But it's nice to know that no matter how old I get, Justin Timberlake will still be a douchebag.
Justin Timberlake is not in awe of Taylor Hicks’ talent.
“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket,” Timberlake told Fashion Rocks, a supplement of Vanity Fair. Timberlake also thinks that Hicks’ fame is fragile. “If [Hicks] has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he’s gay, and if all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like [then he takes on a thick southern accent], ‘Oh my god, I voted for a queer!’ It’s just too much pressure.”
The “Justified” singer has mixed feelings about “American Idol,” the show made Hicks famous. “I have a strange relationship with that show,” he said. “I despise it, yet I’m completely fascinated.”
What the hell? Firstly, who on earth cares what Justin Timberlake has to think about anything? Well, okay, I care about what he thinks about Britney's descent into Federdom, but no carbon based life form would want to know his deep thoughts on anything else ever. Actually, no, I am sort of interested in hearing if Cameron Diaz's skin is really as bad as everyone says it is, but that aside, nobody cares about his thoughts, ever.
Secondly, "if, God forbid, he's gay"? Shut the hell up, you curly-haired skeeze. Were that many people wondering if Taylor Hicks is gay that Justin Effing Timberlake has to bring this up in interviews?
Thirdly, "earnest"? "Can't carry a tune in a basket"? When did it become 1953 again?
Fourthly, I think Justin's a little jealous of the mega success American Idol has. I would be too, I guess, if I were him. After all, he had to spend lots of quality time with Lou Perlman, so he definitely paid a high price for his fame.
Lastly, "SexyBack" sucks. Like, seriously, sucks, like, violently awful. And I don't have high standards when it comes to music, either, because I love Mandy Moore and Xtina and ridiculously cheesy awfulness and I would rather drive into oncoming traffic than listen to "SexyBack" all the way through.
Someone just needs to kick him in the face. I will start a PayPal collection and bankroll this random act of violence. Perhaps I will post a craigslist ad to see if anybody is willing to help in this great cause.
In other news, the late, great Joe DiMaggio was afraid of Tom Cruise before it was fashionable.
I want to marry and have a million babies with this piece of gossip
"He'd show up at baseball-signing shows and wait for Joe to come out," says the source. "One time, he waited outside a restaurant for him for three hours. [DiMaggio] called him 'a short little guy.' He didn't like it. He felt like he was stalking him."
I mean, can you blame him for being freaked out? Imagine a leaving your house to go to work and finding a dwarf in your front yard, overlaughing and jumping around. You'd be scared and you know it. Poor Joe.
How awesome is Project Runway? I think this is the best season thus far, if only for Michael and Laura, who are just awesome. Kayne and Robert are quite funny, but not on their level. Can you imagine being able to be as disdainful as Laura is? I may not have many goals in life, but reaching her level of coolness is certainly one of them.
From the ridiculous to the sublime: The lovely and amazing Janelle has a new blog Too Fat For Fashion. Do check it out! You won't be disappointed.
And a PS: I have made a deal with myself that I cannot have a Frappuccino until I get back to updating regularly, which means no more two week breaks before furiously writing a hysterical missive. The CEO of Starbucks just started crying and he doesn't know why...
Mallory at 8/16/2006 04:05:00 PM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The Return of The Random
Whenever I pop in to do a monthly update, as seems to be my habit (which I will be stopping, because I made an August resolution to update regularly, like, for real, as God is my witness, and I will also never go hungry again), I feel like an inattentive mother remembering that she has a child. I think this is mostly because I am insane and also watch too many soap operas.
But an awful lot has happened lately, hasn't it? I can't believe that I didn't make a post solely to praise Emily Blunt for showing the world the most perfect examples of bitchface and eyerolling in recent memory. She needs a monument in her honor, I think.
Since my as yet undiagnosed and entirely made up ADD prevents me from remembering events that happened more than a week ago, I am going to reserve my comments for things that happened relatively recently.
All this means is that the contracts of the above will be extended, they will be given raises and even more horrible people will make their way onto the roster. Such is life.
I am also looking forward to being able to make jokes about troll dolls every single day, because that will never get old for me (tragically, I am being completely sincere on that count).
= 
Uncanny!
"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse."
The blatant ploy for sympathy at the end aside (if he had written that on instant messenger, it would have ended with an emoticon of sorts, like :o''( or something), I love how he says he said things that he does not believe to be true. You can get me drunk enough that I need to get my stomach pumped, and I wouldn't start screaming things that I don't believe to be true, like that Kevin Federline is handsome, or that Sienna Miller has great fashion sense. Nice try, Gibson, but we can't be fooled.
And I know I am falling right into the producers' clever trap in saying this, but Keith: honestly. Enough. Enough with the Keith. He's almost beaten Daniel Franco on the list of most horrible reality tv contestants; I don't think a day will come when I loathe someone more than Franco. But anyway, everything about Keith just screams "I'm better than you and I know it", as if he were a fashionable, thin version of White Goodman from Dodgeball, with more questionable sexuality and an inability to keep his eyes open. What is with that? Is it drugs, or does he just not think the general public is deserving of him making eye contact with us? I do wishe he'd stay around for a while, if only to cruelly mock Angela, who I think is a serial killer of sorts who they attempted to reform and now she satisfies her evil urges by creating ghastly garments.
It has been pretty much awesome these last few days, suffocating and painful heat wave aside. Yay!
Mallory at 8/02/2006 04:06:00 PM