Thursday, August 17, 2006

Um, Ew

I take things very seriously. It is probably my single biggest character flaw. I can't even count the times I have stormed away from the dining room table in tears because somebody made a joke at my expense, usually pertaining to the size of my head or the fact that Derek Jeter looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.

But for once, I don't think I am overreacting when I wound up seething and crying after reading a magazine article.

Details brings us the article Why Fat Is Back In Hollywood. Huh? I read trashy magazines like it's my job and in none of these magazines did I see actresses and other celebrities who looked fat. But I am often oblivious, so maybe I'm wrong.

So, apparently, the curvy figure is back in style. I am uncomfortable with the idea that a body can be in or out of style since it's so, like, possible to change the one you have. But whatever. I'm all for appreciation of curvy women, even if the entire article has that smarmy sort of feel to it, like, "by saying this, I am proving I am sensitive and sucking up to the majority of women in the country and I am soooo going to get laid" which, ew.

I do, however, have problems with the following:

  • The description for the slideshow, which says PLUS: A visual smorgasbord of the sexiest plate-scrapers ever. Plate-scrapers? PLATE-SCRAPERS? At the risk of looking like a hysterical myspace teen OMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTF?
  • The url for the slideshow in questions is details/features/slideshow/v/072006FATTIES' ?!?! So are these women sexy and wonderful or are they fatties? Fatties doesn't exactly seem like a glowing endorsement, does it?
  • The hilariously clever (except NOT) photo which accompanies the article:


    Bwah! If you're bigger than an Olsen twin, you are a fattie which means you are like a pig in ugly heels. Hilarious
  • The list of curvy women that the article presents ranges from reasonable (there is no other word for Monica Bellucci than curvy, except maybe "holyshitsmokinghot") to the "I don't really think so, but compared to her tiny costar, o...kay" (Katherine Heigl) to the "Seriously, what the fuck are these people talking about?" (Evangeline Lilly). Seriously, what the fuck are these people talking about? And if they are curvy, this means that they are a pig in ugly heels, which means they are a fattie, which means that this person:


    is a fattie.
  • The fattie slideshow itself includes Romola Garai (who...has a noticeable ass? I guess. That's the only reason why I can think she'd be on here), Blair from The Facts of Life (way to stay current, guys), Kristin Davis (?!?!?!) (?!?!?!), and Miss Piggy.

    Somewhere along the line I remembered that Details in and of itself is a waste of my time so I should not spend any more time being irritated with it, but I can't help it because (1)I am oversensitive (2)I like to complain and (3)whoever wrote this has a better job than I do and that is just not fair.
    ***


    While I am in a horrible mood, I might as well register my disgust that the delightful and adorable Allison was kicked off of Project Runway so that Vincent could stay.

    Okay, Allison's garment was hideola and that insane hair choice was not helping

    But Vincent has brought us not one, not two, but four horrible creations and if he is not stopped soon, weeks of our lives will be ruined by having to view the insanity that he considers high fashion
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.usImage Hosted by ImageShack.usImage Hosted by ImageShack.usImage Hosted by ImageShack.us


    I think he needs a rabies shot.

    What the hell, Heidi? You're the world's most adorable person and I could listen to you mangle traditional pronunciations all the live long day, but you crib Elle McPherson's nickname and then you try to turn the whole world blind by making us deal with Vincent every day?! On top of his hideola designs, he makes repeated references to what "gets [him] off" and EW! EW! No! Stop! Seriously! EW!

    If he doesn't go next week, I am filing a class action lawsuit.
    ***

    And! The Yankees get rocked by the Orioles. Nothing is going my way today! Is this Tom Cruise's way of exacting revenge on me for all of the times I have made fun of him? Is Xenu truly that powerful?

    Honestly, how do they let Jaret Wright pitch in the major leagues? I'd much rather have Ron Guidry out on the mound or maybe even Don Larsen. This has got to stop.

    Mallory at 8/17/2006 05:38:00 PM

    6comments

    6 Comments

    at 12:11 AM Anonymous Anonymous said...

    OH MY GOD.

    First of all, you're my hero, because you know how I think about these things so it was all very well-said. Second of all, you should send that to "Details" (though whether it would ever do any good is completely debatable... you've nothing to lose in showing them how stupid the whole thing is). A bunch of us should. Because even if it amounts to a hill of beans we can at least know we said something... although douchebags will be douchebags. Trying to navigate a path through lad-mag-media-doucheocracy can be frustrating and tedious but it can effect change sometimes.

    Also, speaking as a heffa, I have better tastes in shoes than that pig. Jackasses.

     
    at 3:51 PM Blogger Claire said...

    Go Miss B! I was totally shocked and appalled by that article when it came up on the OTZ - I don't read 'Details' usually, but now you can just colour me incensed. What a load of bulltwaddle. People really worry me sometimes.

    Cxx

     
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